EDIT: Sorry for those that might be pained by my long post, skip to "Now" to avoid all of my backstory!
Hi, everyone. This is my first post. I came to these forums because I'm in a really difficult position and no one in my life can relate to or even understand what I'm going through. Not that I blame them, though...
To start, I really just want to give the basics so that this doesn't turn into a novel and bore all of you. If anyone has questions about anything, I'll definitely give more details.
Background...
My boyfriend and I met in February of this year in my hometown of New Orleans. He's from Austria and was basically just passing through, taking a road trip from California back to his friends' place in Florida. We were both really intrigued with each other and had budding chemistry, so we continued to stay in contact with each other even after he left. A little over a month later, I flew to see him in Florida. We had a dramatic/fun/crazy/unbelievable week vacationing in Key West and Miami. We really started to become rooted to and invested in each other. At the end of March, however, he had to go back to Austria to avoid overstaying his visa. He had reassured me that he would come back in about four weeks, but that ended up becoming two months. Not only until I saw what he went through when coming back to the US so quickly did I feel guilty for all the hell that I put him through, nagging him to return ASAP...
He was grilled for hours on end by immigration control asking him why he had come back so soon and if he had a girlfriend. (Thank god he knew well enough not to admit to that, because he would have been banned from entering for God know's how long!) They stamped his passport for exit with the date August 24, 2011 and told him that AFTER THAT, they didn't want to see him again before May of 2012. Although it wasn't the original plan, he ended up staying with me for nearly all Summer long. We went through a lot of ups and downs, but finally seemed to find harmony in living together. I didn't want him to leave and he didn't want to go. We had that dreaded date looming over our heads and we came really close to doing something about it...
We had talked about marriage casually a few times before, but now it was basically our only shot to prevent being torn apart. We went to the courthouse, paid for the marriage application, made a date with the pastor. Holy crap, this was really hitting us. However, there were several dilemmas: I couldn't tell my parents that I was doing this. They would meet me with vehement opposition. They felt they had a right to have a say in this decision. A say which is "HELL, NO, YOU IDIOT!" They're extremely judgmental and cynical people and would not sympathize with the urgency and circumstances of our situation. Also, I'm in my last semester of college and can't even handle the demand of an average part time job with my current course load, so I don't have enough income to sponsor his visa on my own. On top of that, if I got married, I would be dropped from my dad's health insurance plan, which I've been on my entire life. I have diabetes, so not having health insurance would be putting my life at risk. I don't think my dad would turn a cold shoulder to me in finding another health insurance plan if/when I need to, but it would obviously be much more expensive for someone with pre-existing conditions looking for healthcare in this market and would be disrespectful forcing him to do so in such a frantic manner.
We realized our backs were up against the wall. Reality was mounting against us. We just couldn't get married. Since August 10 (our wedding day that never was) we began the process of painfully accepting that we may be separated for about 9 months. From then on, he has become increasingly distant. I can't help but think that deep down he has a little resentment toward me in his heart. He's going back home practically broke. He spent nearly every dime he has coming back to see me so quickly. He has to face everyone in his hometown having heard that he's married to a girl and living happily in America, and wondering why he's back home. I think he feels like he's taken a big risk in loving me and trying to be with me, and it hasn't paid off.
Now...
He's constantly flaking off on me. He says he will call me on Skype, and then doesn't show up. I'll call his cell phone (which is expensive) and ask him why he isn't keeping his word. It seems like he's trying to distance himself from me emotionally. His excuse is that he's gone back with very little money and has to work long and hard hours to try to stabilize himself again. He's busy and when he's not busy, he's too tired to keep his eyes open. But it's been over a week now and we haven't talked. He doesn't respond to my e-mails at all. The only time it seems that I can get any communication with him is when I call his cell phone. There have been days when I try to talk to him and he says he's having dinner by his mom (even though he blew me off and didn't message me about his change in plans) or he's hanging out with his friends, or he's going to see his brother. Wow, he can do all of that, but he doesn't have the energy over the course of an entire week to talk with me on Skype? I've tried telling him that this is damaging our relationship and that we're not going to make it if we can't maintain some consistent communication. I know he doesn't want to be on a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I agree that it's best to maintain a certain amount of emotional distance so that we don't go insane. However, even if you don't want to grow a forest, you still need a minimal amount of water to keep a plant alive.
I've yelled, cried, begged, pleaded, debated, demanded. It seems like no matter how rational or irrational my approach, he's just not being as responsive. I do believe he still loves me, wants to be with me, and will remain faithful to me. However, him pushing me away constantly makes me feel like every day is a groundhog day of heartbreak. I don't think I can handle swallowing a poo sandwich of emotional pain every single day for the next nine months. I'm so miserable and upset that he's not meeting me halfway on things. I wish I could just move on from him just for the sake of not going through this misery, but I'm too emotionally invested in him. The love I have for him is just too strong to die, but I feel like it's killing me in the process.
P.S. I've taken a lot of care to explain to my dad how much this relationship means to me. He was reluctant at first, but I think the fact that we're toughing it out through this separation makes him have a lot more respect for us. He agreed to support me visiting my boyfriend in Austria after the semester ends in early December.
If anyone has any thoughts/opinions/advice/experience, it would be greatly appreciated!
Hi, everyone. This is my first post. I came to these forums because I'm in a really difficult position and no one in my life can relate to or even understand what I'm going through. Not that I blame them, though...
To start, I really just want to give the basics so that this doesn't turn into a novel and bore all of you. If anyone has questions about anything, I'll definitely give more details.
Background...
My boyfriend and I met in February of this year in my hometown of New Orleans. He's from Austria and was basically just passing through, taking a road trip from California back to his friends' place in Florida. We were both really intrigued with each other and had budding chemistry, so we continued to stay in contact with each other even after he left. A little over a month later, I flew to see him in Florida. We had a dramatic/fun/crazy/unbelievable week vacationing in Key West and Miami. We really started to become rooted to and invested in each other. At the end of March, however, he had to go back to Austria to avoid overstaying his visa. He had reassured me that he would come back in about four weeks, but that ended up becoming two months. Not only until I saw what he went through when coming back to the US so quickly did I feel guilty for all the hell that I put him through, nagging him to return ASAP...
He was grilled for hours on end by immigration control asking him why he had come back so soon and if he had a girlfriend. (Thank god he knew well enough not to admit to that, because he would have been banned from entering for God know's how long!) They stamped his passport for exit with the date August 24, 2011 and told him that AFTER THAT, they didn't want to see him again before May of 2012. Although it wasn't the original plan, he ended up staying with me for nearly all Summer long. We went through a lot of ups and downs, but finally seemed to find harmony in living together. I didn't want him to leave and he didn't want to go. We had that dreaded date looming over our heads and we came really close to doing something about it...
We had talked about marriage casually a few times before, but now it was basically our only shot to prevent being torn apart. We went to the courthouse, paid for the marriage application, made a date with the pastor. Holy crap, this was really hitting us. However, there were several dilemmas: I couldn't tell my parents that I was doing this. They would meet me with vehement opposition. They felt they had a right to have a say in this decision. A say which is "HELL, NO, YOU IDIOT!" They're extremely judgmental and cynical people and would not sympathize with the urgency and circumstances of our situation. Also, I'm in my last semester of college and can't even handle the demand of an average part time job with my current course load, so I don't have enough income to sponsor his visa on my own. On top of that, if I got married, I would be dropped from my dad's health insurance plan, which I've been on my entire life. I have diabetes, so not having health insurance would be putting my life at risk. I don't think my dad would turn a cold shoulder to me in finding another health insurance plan if/when I need to, but it would obviously be much more expensive for someone with pre-existing conditions looking for healthcare in this market and would be disrespectful forcing him to do so in such a frantic manner.
We realized our backs were up against the wall. Reality was mounting against us. We just couldn't get married. Since August 10 (our wedding day that never was) we began the process of painfully accepting that we may be separated for about 9 months. From then on, he has become increasingly distant. I can't help but think that deep down he has a little resentment toward me in his heart. He's going back home practically broke. He spent nearly every dime he has coming back to see me so quickly. He has to face everyone in his hometown having heard that he's married to a girl and living happily in America, and wondering why he's back home. I think he feels like he's taken a big risk in loving me and trying to be with me, and it hasn't paid off.
Now...
He's constantly flaking off on me. He says he will call me on Skype, and then doesn't show up. I'll call his cell phone (which is expensive) and ask him why he isn't keeping his word. It seems like he's trying to distance himself from me emotionally. His excuse is that he's gone back with very little money and has to work long and hard hours to try to stabilize himself again. He's busy and when he's not busy, he's too tired to keep his eyes open. But it's been over a week now and we haven't talked. He doesn't respond to my e-mails at all. The only time it seems that I can get any communication with him is when I call his cell phone. There have been days when I try to talk to him and he says he's having dinner by his mom (even though he blew me off and didn't message me about his change in plans) or he's hanging out with his friends, or he's going to see his brother. Wow, he can do all of that, but he doesn't have the energy over the course of an entire week to talk with me on Skype? I've tried telling him that this is damaging our relationship and that we're not going to make it if we can't maintain some consistent communication. I know he doesn't want to be on a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I agree that it's best to maintain a certain amount of emotional distance so that we don't go insane. However, even if you don't want to grow a forest, you still need a minimal amount of water to keep a plant alive.
I've yelled, cried, begged, pleaded, debated, demanded. It seems like no matter how rational or irrational my approach, he's just not being as responsive. I do believe he still loves me, wants to be with me, and will remain faithful to me. However, him pushing me away constantly makes me feel like every day is a groundhog day of heartbreak. I don't think I can handle swallowing a poo sandwich of emotional pain every single day for the next nine months. I'm so miserable and upset that he's not meeting me halfway on things. I wish I could just move on from him just for the sake of not going through this misery, but I'm too emotionally invested in him. The love I have for him is just too strong to die, but I feel like it's killing me in the process.
P.S. I've taken a lot of care to explain to my dad how much this relationship means to me. He was reluctant at first, but I think the fact that we're toughing it out through this separation makes him have a lot more respect for us. He agreed to support me visiting my boyfriend in Austria after the semester ends in early December.
If anyone has any thoughts/opinions/advice/experience, it would be greatly appreciated!
Give it 2 weeks and then re-evaluate your feelings on the whole matter. You might be surprised with what realizations come to the surface.
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