Weight...?

[LeilaniJoi]

I agree totally with Rosebud. Feeling good about yourself is a journey we each take within ourselves and one I still travel on a daily basis. The fact that I am happy with me in the here and now does not change the fact that if someone I loved told me I was unattractive to them due to my weight that it wouldn't be deeply hurtful and cause alot of pain. Alot of that acceptance came from being with someone who accepts me as I am, without asking me to change one thing that isn't my idea in the first place.

It IS an issue that is a sensitive spot for many people, men and women alike. It's human nature to want to be accepted and loved even when society dictates that extra weight is automatic cause to assume that someone is lazy or sloppy.

[kteire]

Most overweight people CAN control their weight. It's something you CAN change about you in order to gain a healthier life and feel good about yourself. Getting overweight doesn't happen overnight, it happens because people don't take care of themselves. No-one goes to bed being thin and wake up the next day weighing 200lbs more. It's a long process and people allow it to happen even though they can see where it's going. It's sad in my opinion.

That is the case in some situations, but that's not always so. People can gain weight rapidly (and not be able to lose it) for tons of reasons - genetics, body type, medications, health problems, thyroid problems, slowing metabolism with age, hormones, depression and mental health issues, etc. In a lot of situations it can be controlled more easily and can be the fault of the person, but it varies too much to say it's always someone not taking care of oneself.

That being said, of course I think it's beneficial for people to lose weight and be at a healthy weight, but I just think it's a difficult position to put an SO in. It may not be a sensitive issue for everyone, but it is for a lot of people. I guess not knowing the OP's SO, I don't know how he'd react.

[ILoveYou123]

I think he's very attractive in the face and chest area but his belly isn't the sexiest thing in the world. I've mentioned him working on it in the gym and he just says it wouldn't work because he's so big atm or something. Ugh ~_~

[Dauntedpoet]

Wow.. I've been hurt by some of the insensitive assumptions and generalizations made in this post. I can only imagine how I'd feel if my SO said them to me. Just WOW.

[Trethsparr]

Wow.. I've been hurt by some of the insensitive assumptions and generalizations made in this post. I can only imagine how I'd feel if my SO said them to me. Just WOW.

This exactly.

[Mara]

Wow.. I've been hurt by some of the insensitive assumptions and generalizations made in this post. I can only imagine how I'd feel if my SO said them to me. Just WOW.

I apologize if anything said hurt you Dauntedpoet [even if I wasn't the one to say it] and the same for you Trethsparr.

I think what it comes down to is a case of physical attraction for most people. I do feel you should be attracted to your SO and whether that has to do with their weight, height, facial features, etc I feel that's your right to feel that way or not to feel that way. I would not enter into a relationship with someone or continue a relationship with someone that I wasn't physically attracted to. I also wouldn't ask someone that I was in a relationship with to change a physical aspect so that I would be more attracted to them physically.

It might be shallow, but everyone's first judgment of someone is based really simply on their looks alone. When a man approaches a woman it's because he finds her physically attractive and vice versa.

[MadMolly]

I'm actually amazed at how sensitive people seem to be in this thread! Really amazed! The only person who should be able to make you feel bad is YOURSELF. If someone says something hurtful to you, why let it bother you?? What right does anyone have to offend you? I don't understand how anything anyone has said in this thread could be taken as a direct, genuinely hurtful insult. That's just bizarre.

[kteire]

I'm actually amazed at how sensitive people seem to be in this thread! Really amazed! The only person who should be able to make you feel bad is YOURSELF. If someone says something hurtful to you, why let it bother you?? What right does anyone have to offend you? I don't understand how anything anyone has said in this thread could be taken as a direct, genuinely hurtful insult. That's just bizarre.

Well, it's good that you won't be bothered by things people say, but not everyone is thick-skinned, particularly when it comes to such a personal issue. Things people say over the internet can still be hurtful, hence why cyber-bullying is a real issue. I can completely understand how some of the things here have been hurtful, even though I believe the people posting didn't intend that. I don't want to specifically say because I don't want to point fingers.
Getting to the point where nothing negative anyone else says makes you feel bad is rather difficult.

[Minerva]

I've not been hurt I by anything in this thread, but if my SO assumed my weight gain was due to overeating and lack of self control, and if he told me because of it he wasn't attracted to me anymore, it would hurt. People see the outside of a person and without knowing anything else about them think it's ok to make moral judgements.

In the last 3 years I've gained weight and I hate it. My weight gain had nothing to do with calories in/calories out. I was on a med that caused me to rapidly gain weight. I feel horrible about it, and the assuptions people make about why I've gained the weight make me feel worse. Having people judge you day in and day out over something you can't control has a cumulative effect. And I might note that if one is already fat, self esteem has probably already taken a hit, so judgement is felt even more.

If your self esteem is healthy enough to withstand constantly hearing something you don't like and can't control about yourself is a sign of weak character, then that's laudable. Have a bit of compassion for those of us who aren't quite there yet.

[NaNi]

Meh, if you really love him you shouldn't be bothered by his weight. You might be concerned about his health, but simply because he doesn't look good enough for you? That's just horrible. If you really love him he should be beautiful in your eyes.

[LeilaniJoi]

I would not enter into a relationship with someone or continue a relationship with someone that I wasn't physically attracted to. I also wouldn't ask someone that I was in a relationship with to change a physical aspect so that I would be more attracted to them physically.

This exactly. When you fall in love with someone there is a huge element of trust there and that comes down to physicalities too. You are trusting someone with all your insecurities and potential hurts... weight is no different. I can't imagine staying with someone that would come to me and say "I love you, but I don't like this physical thing about you." If you are focused so heavily on the physical, then you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons.

I've not been hurt by anything that was said, but I feel so badly for anyone that would have this happen to them. It's just wrong coming from someone you love and trust.

[Moon]

Everybody has brought up some pretty good points in this thread, but to me, the time to decide if you're physically attracted to someone is in the very beginning, and you make your decision from there on if you can be with that person or not. I don't think it's fair to have someone fall in love with you first, then tell them they need to change their physical appearance because you aren't attracted to them sexually all of a sudden. I DO think it's fair game if your partner changes during the relationship, 'cause that's not what you paid for, so to speak. In other words, if you started going out with a guy who was fat right from the start, and he's happy with himself, then so be it, unless he wants to change. You can give him your concerns gently about his health, but it's not right to go into a relationship with the intent to change the other person.

If you're partner starts putting on the pounds while in the relationship, then you have the right to be concerned. If you aren't attracted to big guys, and he wasn't big when you met him, then that's fine. In that case, he should absolutely hear about it, because for everybody, there are just some traits you can't get past, even if you want to. While ideally love shouldn't be about what someone looks like, realistically you need to be physically attracted to your partner, or you're just friends. To some people, weight isn't important, and for others, it's a deal breaker. I think it's a much bigger deal to younger people that to those of us a bit older, but that's just how it is. I absolutely HATE all the emphasis that's put on weight and how worthless society makes you feel if you don't fit the Hollywood ideal, but what can ya do? Keep in mind, after you hit 30 (in women) your metabolism doesn't work as well as it once did, and just smaller portioning and working out doesn't produce the results it used to, so have a little sympathy people, OK?

For me, I'm not attracted to short men, I'm just not. The irony is, I'm short myself There are so, so many short guys that are awesome people, but I know if I dated one, I just wouldn't be able to keep the physical attraction going, so I don't. Shallow? Maybe, but I'd never lead someone on when I know the end result wouldn't be good. I realize height is different, you can't change it, but it's just an example. If you aren't attracted to bigger men, don't date them, you have the right to date whom you like, for whatever reasons work for you. If looks honestly 100% mean nothing to you, then you're very lucky, you have your pick of many wonderful people out there waiting for you. Be kind to your potential partner, and be wise in who you choose, don't pick someone and expect them to change, it's not a healthy way to start a relationship.

[Zephii]

I'm sorry people are getting so upset by this. Like Molly, I don't really get that. There's no need to internalise the things you read. It's not about you, so don't take it on board, you know? Everyone here knows their own unique circumstances and thus know if they are just lazy or are holding onto weight for another reason, and I assume that everyone actually communicates with their SO and thus their SO knows too. Your SO, more than anyone, should know your unique circumstances. If you are on meds, or have a known medical issue, or something psycological that you're working through, or whatever - Your SO should already know. And then, if that person comes up to you and says something nastily about your weight, yes by all means punch them in the face and move on - because it's not something you can control at this time and it is an issue and they should be sensitive.

On the other hand if you can't say no to your fourth bag of chrisps today and you let your gym membership lapse then regardless of how you feel about it, really it is your fault. People don't deserve to be babied just because they don't like themselves. We are all accountable for ourselves, we need to own up to the shit we're doing wrong to our bodies, take some responsibility and do something about it. Yes, I know it's hard to lose weight, and if you're trying and not doing as well as you'd like that's entirely something else. You're trying, so good on you! The guy the OP is speaking about ISNT trying - at least not with his belly.

I think it's about trust. I trust my SO not to lie to me. If this dress makes my butt look big, I really want to know. When he gives me compliments I never have to wonder if he's just saying that to make me feel good or to get into my pants, and that alone does great things for a person's self esteem. So many people can't take compliments, or can't believe them - why's that? Because we all want SOs who will lie to make us feel better. Why can't people see they are shooting themselves in the foot with this?
If someone is nasty to you, sure leave them. But if they are just being honest and they are making an effort to kindly word what they are trying to say and you leave them because it's offensive? That's totally your loss. Most of the time it's not what you say, but how you say it too. No one is suggesting anyone go up to their SO and say "Lose weight or lose me" they are saying "I would be more attracted to you and thus happier in this relationship if you could make a few little changes for me"

And we make little changes for our SOs all the time. When Obi tells me to stop leaving the canisters open in the kitchen, or asks me to wear earings or dresses more often or asks me to sleep on skype with him and it's 4 in the afternoon - I'm changing my lifestyle for him. It's no different from when he says "while you're at it, your bum needs help too" (Except he would never say it as mean as that, I'm paraphrasing.) I make my SO shave several times a week, and brush his teeth and all that because I find it unattractive if he doesn't. Sure, other bad things happen when you don't brush your teeth, but the one that most concerns me is the stinky breath. These are changes he makes for me. Are you going to tell me "If you loved him you wouldn't care that his halitosis makes him impossible to kiss"? No, you'd say "Miriam, talk to that boy about brushing his teeth." It's the same thing. (And yes, there are people out there who are just as sensitive about their teeth as others are about their weight)

[LeilaniJoi]

@Moon - I totally agree with your post I was never really attracted to short guys either, but my SO's height wasn't even an issue (I have 2 inches on him unless he's in boots). He is so far out of my "norm" that it's not even funny, but he's my heart and soul and if all I focused on was the physical then I would have missed the beautiful person he is on the inside. I fell in love with HIM on the inside, not a visual I had in my minds eye. The fact that he's damn cute with gorgeous dark hair, deep chocolate eyes and a kiss to die for is just icing on the cake.

@Zephii - I don't think anyone is internalising. What is happening though is that those of us that have fought this battle for years understand that sometimes it's more than it being as simple as it sounds and there were a few posters that were a little harsh about it. I don't think it's taking it personally so much as it is being defensive for someone that we can totally relate to. Asking someone to wear dresses or earrings more, or to let their hair grow long is far different than saying that you don't find them attractive because they have some extra weight.

You can't judge someone totally on their weight, there are more factors that go into the whole picture. This boils down to the OP not liking the "visual" and I think that is what is getting people riled up about it.

[Zephii]

The OP has listed several things she does like about him. There's just this one little thing she wants changed. I don't recall anywhere she said there was nothing attractive about him because he's fat - rather that his larger size is getting in the way a little of his other good qualities.

If you're saying you don't find them attractive, or something is making you find them LESS attractive, it doesn't matter what that thing is because people are insecure and sensitive about a whole range of different things. I don't think weight should be in it's own special untouchable box.