Weight...?

[Trethsparr]

I don't think anyone is internalising. What is happening though is that those of us that have fought this battle for years understand that sometimes it's more than it being as simple as it sounds and there were a few posters that were a little harsh about it.

I can't speak for DauntedPoet, but this hits the nail on the head for me.

If your self esteem is healthy enough to withstand constantly hearing something you don't like and can't control about yourself is a sign of weak character, then that's laudable. Have a bit of compassion for those of us who aren't quite there yet.

[lucybelle]

@Moon - I totally agree with your post I was never really attracted to short guys either, but my SO's height wasn't even an issue (I have 2 inches on him unless he's in boots). He is so far out of my "norm" that it's not even funny, but he's my heart and soul and if all I focused on was the physical then I would have missed the beautiful person he is on the inside. I fell in love with HIM on the inside, not a visual I had in my minds eye. The fact that he's damn cute with gorgeous dark hair, deep chocolate eyes and a kiss to die for is just icing on the cake.

I think the OP has already done this as well. She says she loves her SO, she just thinks she would find him more physically attractive if he lost some weight. She has already loved him for who he is. Now she wants to love the outside too. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

If you're saying you don't find them attractive, or something is making you find them LESS attractive, it doesn't matter what that thing is because people are insecure and sensitive about a whole range of different things. I don't think weight should be in it's own special untouchable box.

^^This. Physical is Physical. If it's height, weight, eye color, skin color whatever. People have preferences.

[LeilaniJoi]

She has already loved him for who he is. Now she wants to love the outside too. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

How can you only love part of someone? They are who they are, all of them. She mentioned the "visual" meaning when she saw him she was turned off. That to me is not true love, sorry I just don't buy that. I think that is what has everyone up in arms.. not that he's unhealthy, but that she is objecting to the visual of it. I wouldn't want to be with anyone that was ashamed to be seen with me.. just wow.

FWIW I'm not upset or angry by the conversation, it makes a good debate is all Apparently I'm not alone in my thoughts however and as was said, if you are secure enough to have someone you love and trust point out something like a big belly or a fat ass on yourself and say that is unattractive to them then more power to you. There are other ways to go about this and if.. IF.. it is that big of an issue with you, then break up with them so they can find someone that appreciates them for themselves 100%. Anything less is extremely shallow.

I'm reminded of an ex that told me once I'd be perfect if I didn't have freckles.. wtf? talk about insecurity issues because I knew to him I wasn't perfect... and there is a very good reason he is now an ex.

[lucybelle]

I'm reminded of an ex that told me once I'd be perfect if I didn't have freckles.. wtf? talk about insecurity issues because I knew to him I wasn't perfect... and there is a very good reason he is now an ex.

Well that's something you can't control and I feel is just mean to say. But the guy in question is already going to the gym. He's already working out. He's already trying to lose weight. The OP wants him to work on his belly. Why is it so bad to bring up?

[Mara]

Well that's something you can't control and I feel is just mean to say. But the guy in question is already going to the gym. He's already working out. He's already trying to lose weight. The OP wants him to work on his belly. Why is it so bad to bring up?

It doesn't seem from the OP's last response that he's really willing to work on his belly and I'm not so sure from what she's said about the type of exercises this guy is doing that he's really trying to lose weight. At least, not the correct way. I've known some bigger guys though and the ones who weren't really bothered by their size did really focus on lifting weights, building strength, etc etc. It doesn't seem like [from what the OP has said] that her boyfriend's true intent is weight loss. If so, he needs to do more than what she says he's doing.

At any rate, OP, I'm not going to call into question your feelings for this guy, but I will ask you a question, if he were never to lose a pound would you be able to stay with him and accept him the way he is? I mean that's really what this comes down to. I do agree that whether you are physically attracted to someone is something that you should decide from the beginning, but things were different in your case with the two of you meeting online. I would really take some time to decide if you are fine with him the way he is before continuing the relationship.

[Rosebud]

Well that's something you can't control and I feel is just mean to say. But the guy in question is already going to the gym. He's already working out. He's already trying to lose weight. The OP wants him to work on his belly. Why is it so bad to bring up?

What rubs me the wrong way about it is the fact that he is already going to the gym, as you stated. This implies to me that he's already unhappy with the way he looks and so is taking the steps to change it, so why does he need someone he loves telling him he also needs to improve (which, once again, is a very sensitive and potentially hurtful subject for many people no matter how much some don't "get it")? OR, that he's perfectly fine with the way his belly is so why should he need to change himself, when he is already content and not putting himself in harms way (this one I'll side-step because he very well may be unhealthy but as the OP is talking for visual reasons here then that's not the cause of her request)?

Not to mention, yes he may have his "excuses" as to why he's not working on his abs, but when it comes down to it, you can't target where you lose your fat from, the bemoaning true tale of thousands of women and men everywhere. Sure, if he agreed to it and up his game maybe he WOULD lose a lot of weight, but what if he's just built to carry his weight in his stomach, even if he is at a healthy weight? Trying to change your body type, especially getting a six pack is a LOT of extra work on top of regular working out and could be damn near impossible if he's just built to carry weight in his midsection.

[Minerva]

If you're saying you don't find them attractive, or something is making you find them LESS attractive, it doesn't matter what that thing is because people are insecure and sensitive about a whole range of different things. I don't think weight should be in it's own special untouchable box.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't put it in any sort of untouchable box. It's just this thread is about weight, so I'm talking about weight.

A couple of people have mentioned changing hair or wearing different clothes for their SO. Maybe I'm odd, but I wouldn't do that. I wear my hair to please myself, and if my SO doesn't like it, he can go jump. Same with how I dress. Now that's not to say I wouldn't wear something he found sexy, because I would love to do that for him. But I'm not about to change how I dress, wear my hair, what jewlery I wear just to please him. My style is mine, and I dress and style myself to please myself.

As it is, my SO has never asked me to change anything about myself. If he did, I'd be upset, as if having a different hair style was more important to him than who I am. I'd feel the same about being told to do something about my weight. Love me for who I am, not who you want me to be, y'know?

[LeilaniJoi]

A couple of people have mentioned changing hair or wearing different clothes for their SO. Maybe I'm odd, but I wouldn't do that. I wear my hair to please myself, and if my SO doesn't like it, he can go jump. Same with how I dress. Now that's not to say I wouldn't wear something he found sexy, because I would love to do that for him. But I'm not about to change how I dress, wear my hair, what jewlery I wear just to please him. My style is mine, and I dress and style myself to please myself.

As it is, my SO has never asked me to change anything about myself. If he did, I'd be upset, as if having a different hair style was more important to him than who I am. I'd feel the same about being told to do something about my weight. Love me for who I am, not who you want me to be, y'know?

Bravo. Exactly the point I was trying to make earlier. If they can't take me as I am, then they can watch me when I go. Love should not be conditional on a shape, body style, type of clothing, hair etc etc, either you love that person as they are or you don't. The decisions one makes for themselves whether it is clothes, weight or whatever should be made for themselves first and only, nobody else.

[screammaayday]

I've already put in a little bit of my input, but this how I feel.

You met him when he was heavy, granted, being in his situation (sort of), we know we're heavy. If he is anything like me, it hurts when people bring it up. I often become defensive and shut myself off from them. Sure, it's over reacting, but that's my response. I've been trying for years to lose weight and nothing has quite worked for me. My SO is understanding of this, she loves me the way I am, whether I be 250 lbs or 150. She worries about my health, yes, but her sole worry is just that. She doesn't worry about my appearance. I am the first to admit, my body is not perfect. Stretch marks and scars. She doesn't mind, though. And that's one thing that I've wanted from the day I started dating. Sure, she jokes about my weight. She calls me a chub and I call her a bony butt. It doesn't offend me because I know she accepts me.

As for me, I got lucky. My SO is 100 lbs, beautiful on the inside and certainly on the outside. She is a bit too skinny for her height, but like me in a way, she can't gain any weight! Her metabolism is too fast. I would love her, regardless of her 100 lbs or 250 lbs. Because to me, she is my girl and she's beautiful.

My point of my rambling: Good if you want him to lose weight so he's healthy. But if he's already healthy and you're asking him this solely for your personal gain, then you, dear, need to reassess your feelings. You obviously met him when he was heavy, as you've said, so you must've at least been attracted to him then, because let's admit, we all either do or don't feel an attraction to a person. So in that case, love him as he is, or I fear you may be going down a road that you don't want to travel down. And a road that your SO, most likely, will become hurt by.

I do wish you luck and I hope all goes well with anything you decide to do.

[Dauntedpoet]

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful…and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, 'Not bad. They're okay.' And then you get to know them and…and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful, Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met." ~ Amy Pond, Doctor Who, season 6 episode 10 "the girl who waits"

[Engel]

Thank you for the advice but this isn't about me (and if it was I would just like to point out that I'm not so stupid into not realizing that I personally have the "power" to change how I feel about myself, I find it ridiculous how many people assume those who are struggling with their body image have never had the insight into realizing such an obvious thing, as though it's really THAT easy), it's about the fact that the issues I mentioned are issues that countless people have to deal with, and that having someone they love tell them so bluntly they need to change in order to be attractive can be a very hurtful subject.

that.
i was severely depressed for a good while and put on a loot of weight. now i started a diet and am slowly loosing it. 2 weeks of diet and almost 2 kilos gone. but im still really, REALLY heavy.and not happy at all with my body. i know in the end im the one that can change it, and im trying to do it now. but is not as easy as it sounds, and i agree with you on everything else you said on your other posts on this thread.

---------- Post added at 02:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:43 PM ----------

also i developed a thyroid problem, and is one of the main reasons my weight went up, i just recently found out about it. hope the right medication will help me.

[Engel]

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful…and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, 'Not bad. They're okay.' And then you get to know them and…and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful, Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met." ~ Amy Pond, Doctor Who, season 6 episode 10 "the girl who waits"

this is just beautiful!

[Minerva]

I teared up when she said that, because it's about exactly how I feel about my SO. The more I get to know him, the more beautiful he becomes to me.

I dunno. Maybe it's just that people are wired differently. If everyone had to list what's important to them in a partner, I'm sure all our lists would be different. I can't quite understand such a strong emphasis on the physical, but maybe someone else can't understand why I must be with a man who has a great sense of humor. For me true attraction comes after love; I can look at a stranger and think objectively that they're good looking, but I'm not attracted to them. I felt the same about my SO when we were just friends. But as my love for him grew, so did my attraction. Now I find him just so sexy, I stare at him when we talk in Skype, and the last time I saw him in person, I got the jumpy stomach thing.

Or to take a page from Amelia Pond's book: he's the most beautiful man I've ever met.

[Moon]

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful…and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, 'Not bad. They're okay.' And then you get to know them and…and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful, Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met." ~ Amy Pond, Doctor Who, season 6 episode 10 "the girl who waits"

I love this, it completely reflects how I feel about my guy. Dauntedpoet, I think you've put a beautiful perspective on this thread.

[LeilaniJoi]

I teared up when she said that, because it's about exactly how I feel about my SO. The more I get to know him, the more beautiful he becomes to me.

I dunno. Maybe it's just that people are wired differently. If everyone had to list what's important to them in a partner, I'm sure all our lists would be different. I can't quite understand such a strong emphasis on the physical, but maybe someone else can't understand why I must be with a man who has a great sense of humor. For me true attraction comes after love; I can look at a stranger and think objectively that they're good looking, but I'm not attracted to them. I felt the same about my SO when we were just friends. But as my love for him grew, so did my attraction. Now I find him just so sexy, I stare at him when we talk in Skype, and the last time I saw him in person, I got the jumpy stomach thing.

Or to take a page from Amelia Pond's book: he's the most beautiful man I've ever met.

This. Minerva this said it very well... as I got to know my guy I realized how gorgeous he was, both inside and outside and I would do the same thing, just stare at him on Skype before we met Now, I sneak glances sideways at him all the time and am reminded each time just how lucky I am to have found this beautiful soul.

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful…and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, 'Not bad. They're okay.' And then you get to know them and…and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful, Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met." ~ Amy Pond, Doctor Who, season 6 episode 10 "the girl who waits"

This is deep and very fitting. Love it.