Temper Tantrums

[bananabrain]

I'm 19 years old, but Diana told me I act like a three-year old. I always throw a temper tantrum whenever things don't go my way. I plead guilty to cursing and yelling at her, and throwing things on the ground. This is mostly when: a) she canceled or postponed our plans due to illness, random chores, or simply wasting her time with naps and Facebook, or b) I felt as though she didn't care about me when I was struggling. The former was absolutely frustrating when I went to America for just three weeks, and I had to make every single second count.

It's annoying how I have more responsibilities than her, and I'm the one who has to do all the work to close the distance. I always have to pay for the trip, and I'M the one who has to look for a job in the future. I've had many conflicts with my parents in the past, and I don't have many close friends in Japan yet. I worry about a LOT of things outside the relationship. Still, I guess I don't have a proper excuse for my behavior.

I know for a fact that if this persists, we won't be together. I've already hurt her enough, and I can only see myself causing worse problems. But what should I do...?

[Zephii]

Uhm, I guess all you can do is grow up and handle your problems like an adult. There are lots of self-help books out there, but counciling is also an option. A councilor will help you understand and utilize more effective means of relasing your emotions and getting what you want/ dealing with not getting what you want.

In the mean time, just think before you act. You obviously know you're doing it, so if she cancels on a date or whatever just STOP and think.

I also think that you have a self-centred attitude and you may not actually notice the effort she does put into the relationship. perhaps you could keep a small journal, and when she does something nice, write it down, or brain-storm a list of things she does contribute to the relationship even if she's not the one who will be moving.

[Moon]

I know for a fact that if this persists, we won't be together. I've already hurt her enough, and I can only see myself causing worse problems. But what should I do...?

Honestly? Stop being a brat and handle your frustrations like an adult. Throwing things and name-calling is NO WAY to get your point across! My 6 year old nephew does that. I don't mean to sound harsh, but seriously, you can't act that way and expect to have a healthy relationship, if the conversation becomes heated, it's time to walk away and continue when you feel more in control of yourself. Your frustrations are legitimate, you just need to learn how to express them and work on them properly, and maybe she does to. Have you investigated good fighting tactics? The web is full of them. Once you learn how to fight fairly, you'll find the compromises fall more into your direction than they are now.

[books]

There's a very good chance that your behavior could be considered as verbal abuse. And throwing things on the ground is also considered to be threatening behavior, as it implies "this could be you next". I say this as someone who has spent 7 years working with domestic violence victims. Not trying to be your social worker/counselor here, but I definitely think your behavior displays many red flags. Personally, if I was in a relationship with a guy who displayed this kind of behavior (especially so early on in the relationship), I would leave. It's great that you're recognizing this behavior is not healthy, however, I believe that simply referring to it as "temper tantrums" is minimizing the seriousness of it. It would definitely be a good idea to seek professional help to work on developing healthy ways to deal with your anger. Maybe take a break from your relationship while you do this. At the end of the day, acting this way is definitely a choice you are choosing to make.

[lucybelle]

The only way you can help this is by getting some sort of anger management program. You seem to flip out at the smallest things. Either read a book, look on the internet, or talk to a professional. If you don't learn to control yourself then this won't be the only relationship you'll ruin.

[Laura_N]

The others already mentioned what I was going to say, that you should find some sort of anger management and balance your behaviour. But, you also mentioned that you always pay for the trip and feel like you are the only one making effort - if you feel that way, try to talk with your girlfriend about it. But no tantrums, yeah? A well considered conversation would proably be good.

[GG6]

Well you seem to realize here that you have a problem and it's already a good step!
Acting the way you do definitely won't help you and your relationship. You can't treat her like that. Everybody has their way to deal with the relationship. If she wants to take some time for herself and take a nap or go on Facebook, let her and don't get upset so quickly. And why do you say you're the one who has to find a job? Doesn't she have to also?
You really need to learn to control yourself. It can get dangerous with time. Have you thought about meditation? Yoga for example?
You seem to have issues with yourself and to be a bit overwhelmed with what happens in your life in general. Relax and keep being positive She doesn't deserve all that and if I were dating someone with your behaviour, I would be scared...
As people said above, you can start by seeking some advice on Internet. If you can't find, maybe seek for professional help before it's too late.
Anyway, as I said it's already a first step admitting you have a problem and I wish you good luck to solve it (quickly!), for the sake of your relationship, for herself and yourself

[HollzHeartsChris]

For both your sakes, I think you need to toughen up and control your temper a little better. There's no need to throw tantrums. You can do this, you just need to change your attitude a bit and control yourself better. Counsilling, talking through things with your SO, finding things that will relax you, going out and doing hobbies like sports, they'll all help you to calm down. And if you do feel the need to actually do some damage, hit your pillow. It works lol.

[JennyRW]

That is not a proper excuse for your behavior. I'm sorry the realtionship is like that, that is not fair, but instead of acting in that way you need to talk to her about that in a relationship both need to work in equal parts, if she doesn't do something about it ater you explain that to her, then just leave the relationship because it doesn't make sense to be with someone that doesn't move a finger to be with you, like she doesn't care...

[Tigertray24]

it sounds like you just don't have the discipline for a LDR right now...a lot of it is waiting, waiting, waiting...you're not always going to get what you want and it may take years to get what you ultimately want...there will be a lot of times when you're just going to have to eat a big slice of humble pie...

i've been in two long distance relationships...the reason(s) why the first one ended weren't all my fault, but i did cause some irreparable damage because i was whiny, dramatic, and undisciplined...if you don't learn to discipline yourself soon, your g/f may start to weigh her options and decide that the relationship is just not worth the hassle...you're already thousands of miles apart, so try your best not to make things worse...if you can't control your reactions, call her back later when you are more level-headed...

EDIT: btw, 私は日本語を勉強していますよ。よろしくおねがいします!

[Kerry]

LDRs are tough. they can be extremely frustrating, especially if things are 1 sided (ex: 1 person is making all of the sacrifices). maybe this kind of relationship isn't for you.

[bananabrain]

Thank you everyone for all the harsh criticism. As of now, I don't know what I should do though... of course I am going to look for anger management courses, but I don't know if I should leave this relationship or not.