Handling Discouragement?

[Haley53]

I am incredibly frustrated at the moment.

I can't even remember how it came up but my partner and I got on to the topic of Visa's. Him being from Ireland and me being from the States, he can stay here for 90-days at a time with nothing but a passport (the same restrictions apply to me, as well); anything longer than that, and he needs a Visa. Sure, there's the option of bringing him in on a K-1, but seeing as you have to be married within a span of 90-days... I'm under the impression that it's important to live with one another for an extended period of time pre-marriage. That brings us to the option of a work Visa, and I'm assuming an H2B, though correct me if I'm wrong, seeing as he has obtained neither a BA nor MA (H1B requirements, as I understand it).

Here is where the issue comes in. Due to reasons I do not feel would be appropriate/fair of me/respectful to disclose, he did complete his secondary school education but did not sit for his Leaving Cert. Though I am unaware of the school system there, from what I have found via Google, that Leaving Cert is essentially America's equivalent of a high school diploma. And in America, you are more or less required to have a high school diploma for even work at a McDonalds. Now, my partner does have potential leads for work here, in America, but each would require a high school diploma or the equivalent. He is willing to figure out what he needs to do to obtain this, but quite frankly, I'm sitting here and I am absolutely miserable.

The thing is, I'm aware that I shouldn't be. I wouldn't expect him coming to live/work here until at least 2014, simply because I feel it's important to have more visits, spend more time with one another IRL, etc. Though I would love for him to be able to come here/arrive tomorrow, I do not, in any way, shape, or form, want to rush this decision. The thing is, too, that I'm also aware that if our relationship progresses to such a point we are seriously considering taking the next step (as in, putting the paperwork together), then we will find a way to make it work. The problem is that not only am I an anxious person about relationships in general, but I'm scared to be too lax about it seeing as things for LD couples - and especially international LD couples - take time. And no, it's not like we don't have it, but I don't want to ride on "oh, we have time" for years and years and nothing gets done. To be frank, I don't want to still be in a LDR 10+ years from now. I would love to have the gap closed in 5-6 years or less, and he shares the same want for the same timeline.

I also feel incredibly guilty. I feel guilty and horrible because there is not a thing he could say that would cause me to leave or to want to leave school. I am on a very set path to grad school, and though I may take a gap year, I would in no way, shape, or form sacrifice my education for a relationship that should be able to respect my priorities, which encompass the requirements for the career I want to pursue. I feel guilty and horrible because no matter how many times it's explained to me, the European school system, no matter which region, is not something I understand, and I certainly don't understand US equivalents, even though I can guess or have found tidbits of information on Wikipedia. I feel guilty and horrible because I don't want him to have to sit something he shouldn't have to or wouldn't normally (at least not at this time) and so on and so forth. And it seems no matter how much he tries to reassure me... I feel like the more he tries to reassure me that he will do it if it's what's required for him to take these leads, that he will do it if it means coming to the States and working here and living here with me, etc. that isn't the reason I want him to do it.

I suppose when it comes down to it, I don't want him doing any of this for me or to come live with me. Maybe a part of this is because I'm not sure what it entails, because there's no way we can share this 50/50, but gah... I want him to do it for him, because it's what he wants to do. In America, a high school diploma/GED/equivalent is going to be required to work and to attend school/college here if desired and so on, but I don't want him to do it for that reason. Yet I get that he has to abide by the rules of the country he's going to live in. I get that he's going to have to adapt to them anyway. I get all that. Yet I still can't shake the fact I don't want him doing something for me, for us; I want him doing whatever he does for him. One of my better friends recommended some higher education programs that look good, but I haven't brought them to his attention and likely will not unless things go horribly wrong and maybe not even then. I would not ask him to go through a program for an occupation he has no interest in simply so he can get a job that he'll be unhappy doing so he can live here in America, with me, until we decide to get married or not. We basically went over where he would start or at least go looking for information, and I suppose it's something he's going to look into. I don't want to sway his decision one way or the other, even though I know this can only benefit him (as in, it won't/wouldn't hurt) even if he were only doing it for me, whether he moved to America or not, but again, gah.

I guess I'm feeling miserable tonight because it seems like no matter which route we go, there are massive complications and because, let's face it, if he has no work here, no references, etc. which he cannot get without the equivalent of a high school diploma, then there really is not going to be a life for him here, if immigration were to even let him in to begin with. :/ He says we'll work it out, he's confident we will and that things will be fine and that we'll both do whatever we need to do, and deep down, I know if it's meant to work, we'll find a way to make it, but how do you handle being so bloody discouraged? How do you handle hitting what feels like such an intense roadblock that all you can really do is resign to sitting down, curling up, and having a good cry? :/

Edit: We spoke even further today (21/9/11) and he told me that he's never expected that I would be the one to move because I have so many ties here. He said he knew what he was "getting into" when he entered this relationship and that he would be the one to move and that he has no ties there, so it's no problem. I feel a bit more at ease about things, for the moment, as far as I no longer feel guilty, but I won't say I'm not still discouraged/frustrated. I suppose that this is somewhat normal to experience at times?

[kteire]

If he's willing to do his leaving cert to be able to work in the US, maybe that is just the way that you two will have to overcome this roadblock. My SO is Irish, so I only know a bit about the leaving cert from what he's told me, but basically they spend their last two years of secondary school preparing for it, and it's their final exam to finish secondary school. The mark on that determines what programs you can get into after high school. It is definitely possible to go back and do it (I have a friend that wrote it twice to get into medicine).
You both have to be willing to make sacrifices to be together. If he wants to make an effort to be with you, that's his choice, and he is doing it for himself as much as he is for you. It's not as though finishing it will have detrimental effect on him, because there may be times when he will lose job opportunities due to not writing.
As far as feeling guilty... I guess I have a bit of a harder time understanding that because I am not career-driven. Does that mean you're not willing to look into grad schools elsewhere because of the European system? It's really not that different in Ireland, and it's very easy for Americans to go to school there (I think 90% of the people I met at UCC were from the states). But if that's not something you're willing to compromise, and your SO is willing to make changes and make the move, maybe that's just what you'll have to learn to accept!
If you're willing to take a gap year, you could always go over to Ireland on a working holiday visa, live together for that time, and then do the K-1 visa? Maybe? That's basically what my SO and I are doing - we're both moving to the UK to live together, and then he'll be coming to Canada with me if his visa is approved.

[Haley53]

If he's willing to do his leaving cert to be able to work in the US, maybe that is just the way that you two will have to overcome this roadblock. My SO is Irish, so I only know a bit about the leaving cert from what he's told me, but basically they spend their last two years of secondary school preparing for it, and it's their final exam to finish secondary school. The mark on that determines what programs you can get into after high school. It is definitely possible to go back and do it (I have a friend that wrote it twice to get into medicine).
You both have to be willing to make sacrifices to be together. If he wants to make an effort to be with you, that's his choice, and he is doing it for himself as much as he is for you. It's not as though finishing it will have detrimental effect on him, because there may be times when he will lose job opportunities due to not writing.
As far as feeling guilty... I guess I have a bit of a harder time understanding that because I am not career-driven. Does that mean you're not willing to look into grad schools elsewhere because of the European system? It's really not that different in Ireland, and it's very easy for Americans to go to school there (I think 90% of the people I met at UCC were from the states). But if that's not something you're willing to compromise, and your SO is willing to make changes and make the move, maybe that's just what you'll have to learn to accept!
If you're willing to take a gap year, you could always go over to Ireland on a working holiday visa, live together for that time, and then do the K-1 visa? Maybe? That's basically what my SO and I are doing - we're both moving to the UK to live together, and then he'll be coming to Canada with me if his visa is approved.

The problem with attending grad school elsewhere is funding. Because the person funding my education now would/will not help fund my education abroad. He did promise me a semester/quarter abroad. I was going to spend half a year studying in Ireland. But he withdrew his promise essentially the minute I gathered all the paperwork. He's having me look into the financial aid office to see what help I qualify for, but based on who's paying my education, I qualify for very little financial help. I have a hard time with the idea of student loans primarily because I'm being offered what's essentially a full-ride through university/grad school, and unless I could find a way around this, it's hard for me to think about taking out loans when it's not do-or-die necessary. There's also the fact that I would have to have access to 7000e each year and subsequent year of study. And that's not including the expenses of the program/course or of housing, food, utilities, travel, and other necessities. I am simply not sure I can afford it without help, though it is something I've looked into and I am not discounting it yet. There are also references, contacts, and opportunities for me to think about here. I am an incredibly ambitious, academically motivated, and career-driven person, so although it's never taken precedent over my SO, it is one of those things I am not willing to sacrifice, though I have no issue seeing what works out where.

We spoke more about it last night - I shared this/my feelings with him - and he essentially said what you did, that it's a compromise he's willing to make if that's what would mean finding, and being able, to work here. He says if that is the difference between coming here and not, the difference between being able to find work here and not, the difference between being with me and not, he'll do it. He says he'll make an appointment to talk to someone about his options, see what the equivalent is/would be, and that he'll likely start it sometime next year at the earliest. I'm fine with this. As I said, I'm not looking to rush this. Being informed and knowing what would have/has to be done is good enough for me and brings the logical, practical side of my mind comfort.

I did intend on spending my gap year over there if I'm able. I have to look into the requirements for a working holiday Visa, but if I can pull it off, it's how I definitely hope to spend a better part of my gap year. Depending on the living arrangements at the time (he's 18, turning 19 in December, so still currently living at home), a K-1 Visa may be something to consider. I would like him to have his Leaving Cert by the time we applied for a K-1, though, primarily because it's going to be his doorway into opportunities in the U.S., and I still feel that, again, depending on the living arrangements, I would like a year of living on our own before deciding anything. Though having a situation where I stayed there/worked a year and he stayed here/worked a year would be grand, as well...

But I'm getting more ahead of myself than I intended to. If you can't tell, I am very much a head person and struggling with some of the heart situations/decisions that LDRs are keen to present. :P