She Needs time to think =(

[Lannation]

First off I will give you some background on us.
We started dating in may of 2010 (we were good friends for about a year before we started dating) and we were CD up until she left to go to Purdue in Indiana. Im in Fort Myers, well we both knew that we loved each other so much and we wanted to make this work. We have never gone more than a week without physically seeing each and usually we were talking everyday when she was gone.

Well now after about 2 months of being LD she is really wondering if this could workout between us. We have had some troubles while she has been gone. First off was that she liked to hang out with a lot of guys and I really didnt like it. Second was that she wanted to go to parties and drink, and personally I don't think that someone should go party when you dont have a trusted friend with you. Well we argued about that for a while because I just didnt think that she was being safe about how she was going to parties. And also the parties that she was going to, consisted of her going to a friends brothers apartment off campus. The first party that she went to she ended up staying the night on a couch because some of her friends did not want to walk back to the dorms.
And recently we have been arguing about making time for each other to talk.

I know that I have overreacted to many of these arguments and have now have apologized for my major mistakes. Recently she has just seemed distant from me and not really wanting to talk because she has been kind of depressed about the doubts that she has been having about us. And today she told me that she needs time to think about how/if this is going to work. I told her that I am here for her and will wait till she wants to talk it all out. I am just scared that she does not want me anymore and that she will give up on us

We have a planned trip that I am going up to see her in two weeks for a few days. And I hope that while there we can talk everything out in person and so I can bring back the assurance that we can make it because we both love each other very much.

I just need some advice on how to handle all this Im just so scared and I also could use some encouragement

[HollzHeartsChris]

Well I can understand why you would react to these arguments. I would too. Back in December and then in July, I went partying with my classmates and my SO was extremely worried about me. He wanted to make sure I was alright, and I promised him I wouldn't get too drunk. He eventually relaxed at my reassurances and I put his mind at ease by messaging him occasionally whilst I was partying. Well, I kept my promise at Christmas time, but in July I got quite drunk but I was still in control and I kept myself safe. The thing was I trusted those around me, there were a lot of my friends there too and there were teachers there as well, so I was alright. My SO thought it was quite funny when I came home drunk, laughing and singing :P . What I'm trying to say is, you should try and get her to take a group of friends with her so that they can keep an eye on her and make sure she's alright whilst out partying. Of course you're entitled to voice your worries. It's only natural to worry about her. Talk to her about your worries, tell her how it makes you feel, and see if you can both come to some agreement to ensure that something like this doesn't happen again. I don't like the sound of what happened, but I'm sure if she had some other friends, who'd really keep an eye on her, with her they'd make sure that wouldn't happen again. I don't really think you can stop someone from wanting to enjoy themselves, but you can endeavour to ensure she's safe.

Going LD after being CD isn't easy. I've never experienced it, but I can understand it. I understand this is hard for you both, but if you both really care for each other which it sounds like you do, then you need to stay strong and keep the faith. If she's feeling depressed, her drifting away isn't going to help. Be there for her as much as you can, talk to her about how she feels and also how you feel, and if you both have a planned trip, then don't worry about it. You're going to have her in your arms before you know it, and it's always something to look forward to. Tell both yourself and her that it won't be much longer before you're together again, this should help. If you need more encouragement, on things that you can both do to help each other cope with the distance better, read through the forums for ideas and also the list of 99 things to do. Also, have a look at the quotations page and see if you can get some motivation from there.

Good luck

[Lannation]

Thank you I cant wait to hold her in my arms again. I really hope this visit will assure her that we can make things work. I just dont know what to do about her being unsure of us right now. What do I do about her saying that she needs time to think if it will work out

[HollzHeartsChris]

Thank you I cant wait to hold her in my arms again. I really hope this visit will assure her that we can make things work. I just dont know what to do about her being unsure of us right now. What do I do about her saying that she needs time to think if it will work out

I understand I haven't yet met my SO, we met online, although we have seen each other and spoken directly to each other on webcam many a time, so I can understand how hard this must be for you guys. I'm going through a little rough patch of my own, basically because of a lack of physical touch. You should realise that you're lucky to get to see your SO at all Some of us in an LDR aren't quite so lucky. It's gonna be at least 2-3 years before I can meet my SO, so don't fret. 4 days is better than nothing at all, and it should bring you guys closer together and strengthen you.

If she wants some time to herself, give her some space to consider things, but make sure she knows you're here for her whenever she needs you. If she really wants some time to herself, there isn't much you can do but wait until she's ready.

[Lannation]

okay thank you, and yes I know that I am very lucky that I will get to see my girlfriend every month or two.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Every month or so? Don't worry so much, it's something wonderful to look forward to. It should give you both the strength you need to keep on going. If you want to, feel free to message me, if you ever want to talk about things.

[Lannation]

UGHHHH im so worried that she wont want me anymore.

Im such a paranoid person

[Zephii]

That parranoia will destroy your relationship if you don't get a hold of it. It's not a far jump from parranoid to controlling and many of us have to guard against that (I sure as hell do lol).

Hang in there.

[Haley53]

I agree with Zephii.

I think that if anyone tried to control the sex, gender, or even the direct friend[s] I spent time with... That would come close to being a dealbreaker. And it would be the same if someone tried to control when I went out or where. In the end, the key components to a LDR are trust and communication. For example, I get along better with men than women. Because of this, I tend to have more male friends IRL, whereas I've acquired more female friends online than male. If he didn't trust me with these friends, I'm not sure I'd be able to remain in the relationship. I could understand to an extent if any of these male friends continually pushed their boundaries, but the last time that happened was in a previous relationship of mine and he got the boot for being so completely inappropriate despite my firm warnings to stop. I would imagine that your girlfriend, depending on the strength of your relationship, holds up her end of the deal, as in, she's clear about her boundaries; if she's not, then those are issues within the relationship, not with her male friends, that need to be worked on. Her hanging out with male friends could be anything from she gets along with men better to that she's simply missing having that male energy (you) in her life, so she's surrounding herself with it. It doesn't mean she's doing anything inappropriate.

And it doesn't sound like she's partying inappropriately, either, at least not in regards to a relationship, though even then... You say she spent the night on the couch as opposed to going back to the dorm? Whether or not she outdid her limits is moot here; what's important is that she made the decision that was best for her at the time. Let's say she was driving but did not go with a sober sitter. If she spent the night at the party she went to, with her other friends as I'm understanding it, should she be condemned for not getting in the car but rather spending the night? I think the same thing applies to her not wanting to walk. If nothing inappropriate happened with anyone at the party, then I don't see why you should be trying to control when she goes to parties, with whom, etc. Yes, I get that you believe people should not attend parties without trusted friends. I, personally, despise alcohol, it is the bane of my existence, and if I could eliminate it, I would. The feelings it rises in me are like bile a hundred times over, but I am not going to stop my partner from having a drink or two when he goes to a birthday party, or from drinking at his grad party. I simply do not have the right or authority. If it was something I couldn't handle, again, I wouldn't be in the relationship.

Being completely frank, I can see why she'd put distance between you. With my first boyfriend, with whom I was also long-distance, he rose a similar issue with a male friend of mine. Even if the issue was resolved the same day, it put a significant amount of distance between us for a while. I wanted nothing to do with him or the relationship for a while after and I did go through a period of reconsidering things. Perhaps your girlfriend is in the same place. Same as in a CD relationship, I did not want someone who was going to interfere to that extent with my life outside the relationship; especially being as she's in college, perhaps your girlfriend wants the same. I would honestly respect the space and distance she's craving right now. You've apologised, now it's time to show her that you mean it, but beyond that, don't push her. Let her come to terms with her own thoughts, feelings, and doubts; it's all you can do, really. As Zephii said, the paranoia will begin to destroy your relationship, so it is something you should work on within yourself, as it is not her issue and I don't feel she should have to deal with it anymore than I did.

Best of luck.