I'm rather confused...

[screammaayday]

I need help. \: Last night, my SO and I got into a fight. Usually, I wouldn't worry much about this because we fight a lot anyway, but we're always stronger when we resolve it. Last night, she got angry with me because she was posting things to Twitter/Facebook and wouldn't reply to me. (I had a really stressful/bad day yesterday; she knew about it) and I asked her why and she got angry saying that if she didn't want to talk to me, she didn't have to and I had no right to try & make her. I'd only sent her one text, which read, "I miss youu.. where'd you go?"

This week, we've not talked as much as we usually would. We usually talk every day whenever we can. Now, she's been gone a lot and I don't quite know where or what she's been doing so we've only talked about an hour to two hours a day maximum. Long enough for us to maybe Skype or talk on the phone to say goodnight and for me to wake her up in the morning for school.

Anyway, back to the argument we had. We stopped texting for awhile so she could cool off. Then, she texted me saying she was sorry she flipped out, but she wasn't the only one in the wrong. I said sorry, too because I should've just let it go and not bothered her.

Then, after that, she doesn't reply for probably another two hours. I get a call from her. She asked me a question about some computer tech (I'm the geeky computer nerd) and I answered it for her. However, the whole time, her tone was really irritable and she snapped at me when I told her I was with some of my friends playing board games. I asked her what was up and she said nothing and became even more hostile. Then she told me she was going to bed and I could either Skype with her then or not at all. So, I told her I couldn't skype with her because my friends were here. So she said goodnight and hung up. Did not say "I love you" or anything like that, which we have a rule: never leave without letting the other know you love them, because if something happened to them, you wouldn't forgive yourself.

I texted her after that which, I admit, I probably should've left it alone. I asked her what was wrong because she was really testy with me and she said she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to and she could handle it on her own or with her therapist (I wasn't aware she had one, I know she'd mentioned briefly but never pursued it). This was dumb of me and probably is what constitutes it as my fault, but I said, "what kind of relationship are we going to have if you can't tell me anything?" and she said again she could handle it on her own. This is her mentality. She doesn't want to let anyone in. She then told me I don't tell her anything, but in reality, I tell her if something's bothering me and I've been especially working on that to make sure she doesn't feel like I'm closed off from her like she used to. I told her that, I do tell her things. She got mad and started swearing at me and saying things like "f*ck you, f*ck off, you f*ck, you idiot" and things of that nature. After I told her all I was trying to do was be there for her, she said she's going to bed and she broke her phone charger so she wouldn't be able to talk to me for a week and she won't have an alarm clock for school in the morning. I told her, leave Skype up, I'll wake you up. And she said I was an idiot and the computer would go to sleep and it wouldn't work. I told her that if I called her, it would wake her computer up and tell her so. She argued and said no. I told her to just go head and go to sleep, I'd talk to her later. She said "Fine, bye. I'll never text you again." and I asked if she was breaking up with me and she said "Why not? I won't be able to talk to you for a week anyway and you don't want to talk to me." I said I couldn't believe she was doing this and that's the end of the conversation. She didn't reply after that. I've heard nothing from her.

I don't know if she's okay and I don't know if she made it to school okay. I don't know what's going on!

What do I do??

[Rugger]

Does she had an e-mail address? You could e-mail her to make sure she's okay. Otherwise I would let her cool off for a bit.

[screammaayday]

She does. If I don't hear from her by tonight, I'll do that. Thanks for the help. <3

[Dauntedpoet]

I would let her approach you. She owes you an apology for her behavior.

[screammaayday]

I'm afraid I won't get one. It doesn't really work that way, usually. \:

[Haley53]

Though I'm not doubting that your relationship does have its highlights, is it really a relationship if you're constantly the one to have to apologise for her behaviour? There's going to come a point you deserve an apology. No one is right 100% of the time. It's not fair of you to have to essentially grovel at her feet and say you're sorry and play her games until she decides to stop punishing you for her wrong doing. It is incredibly unhealthy, and even at the risk of a break-up, I would put your foot down and start being more firm about it. Hold her accountable, tell her you'll apologise for this or that but you won't apologise for that because you didn't deserve the way that she treated you and you'd appreciate it if she respect you enough to acknowledge it. Being a doormat is no way to keep a relationship, being perfectly frank, because you're putting yourself through suffering you neither need nor deserve and it will ultimately be the downfall of the relationship.

I would leave it. Let her contact you when she's cooled off, because frankly, given what you've said here, I wouldn't put it past her to be holding out until you come crawling back; she needs to learn that life and relationships don't always work that way. Keep your mind off it, keep busy, hang out with friends, etc. Do nothing involving her or involved with her until she comes to you and apologises for the ludricous and abusive way she treated you during this argument.

[screammaayday]

@Eclaire: I suppose you're right. I've tried to be firm about it, and it creates more arguments. We had a period where I tried to stand firm on things and she just would get angrier at me if I wasn't giving in.

[Haley53]

That will happen, but the thing is, you need to stand even through that. It's like setting a boundary; think teaching a child not to tantrum, or training a dog out of a certain behaviour. Using the example of the child who tantrums, if you give in, no matter at which point during that tantrum, the child is going to learn that if he or she cries and kicks and screams long enough, they will receive what they want in return for it. But if you give only as much attention to the child as is necessary (enough to state the ground rules, for example) and let them throw their tantrum without paying much mind to it, they will eventually learn that that is not the way to get what they want.

With some people, it may not work. I have had people I have had to cut out of my life for the sheer abuse they put me through and it got to a point there was no working through it because they didn't want to change. But they had to be given that choice: stop treating me that way, or they lose me because I deserve a hell of a lot better, and so do you. You need to put your foot down and you need to hold it down through her anger. Hell, don't even tolerate her anger. Write her an e-mail and if she comes back screaming and cussing, write her back simply saying, "I'm ready and waiting to talk to you whenever you want to talk, but I will not tolerate you cursing and yelling at me like this. When you're ready to discuss this like partners, civilly and maturely, then we can talk and I will wait for you until you are ready to do so." It will likely piss her off, but it will show her that you cannot be tread on and that you are a force to be reckoned with. Essentially discourage her behaviour by not putting up with/ignoring it, and if she's worth anything, she will learn that it is not a way to get what she wants. She will realise what you are worth to her, and she will apologise and want to change and work things through to better the relationship. And if she doesn't, well, you have to wonder how much of it you can put up with before it's not worth it any longer.

I think that's something to think about. As someone who's been in this position before, please, please feel free to PM me at anytime. <3 I'm willing to listen and give my thoughts and advice for as long as you're willing to talk. Hang in there.

[Bobbiejeanne]

Then say something about that! Like "The fact that when I hold my ground you only get angrier makes me want to hold my ground even more."
Also, even if she doesn't listen, send her an email (like stated before^^) and tell her what you expect, and that if she wants this relationship to work, she either has to open up to you about it, or get over it, because it's not helping anyone for her to be pissed at the world all the time.

[screammaayday]

Firstly, thank you so much for your input. It put in perspective to me that I'm enabling her behaviour. I've been dealing with this for about a year now. It's getting to be on it's last leg and I don't think there's too much more I can tolerate unfortunately. I love her, but I suppose sometime's that's not enough?

[Haley53]

Love is a two-way street. I'm not saying she doesn't love you, and I would never doubt your love for her, but we all come in to relationships with certain issues and behaviours and sometimes those things need to be changed. Yes, sometimes things will need to be tolerated - I walk around and drip on my shower floor whereas my boyfriend dries off on the floor towel before moving about - but when it comes to your personal happiness... If it's detrimental to your mental and emotional health and well being, which this is, then it's something you have to reconsider.

I think that it's hard sometimes for people to differentiate between when they're enabling something and when they're deserving of something. I think it's easy, too, to take on the blame when you realise you've been enabling someone's treatment of you, but this is where you make your choice, and refuse to take on the blame for something that isn't your fault. If you want to try working on it, you're going to have to be firm about it. You're going to have to stick to your guns, even if that may mean this relationship isn't meant to be.

You say you're on your last leg. It's time for you to decide, too, if this is something you want to even try/work at anymore. It's not an overnight process. It will take time, and she will test it. It will likely be periodic testing, too, even after you've made your initial stance. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can wait around even longer to see if she'll take the initiative to change or not. It's possible that you could even take a break, though given her behaviour, I'm not sure how well this would go over or if it'd be even beneficial to propose it. It may be one of those things where you accept that you're done with it. She had many chances and threw them away. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and if you're over it, you're over it. You can either plan on working through it, or you can decide that you're done with it completely.

[screammaayday]

Well, I still haven't heard from her. Not a single word. She hasn't been on facebook, twitter, Skype. Nothing. I'm not quite used to not talking to her like this. \:

[Haley53]

Is it possible she could have blocked you off where she knows you'd be able to contact her?

[screammaayday]

Possibly. I don't see why she'd do that though; I've done nothing wrong! I know her phone may be dead, but she's usually with friends on Friday nights so I'd figure she'd be able to charge it or shoot me a text from someone else's phone. I guess she doesn't think I deserve that courtesy.

[Haley53]

But you says you both left off with her screaming and shouting, yes? It's possible she's still working it off, or that she's waiting for you. In any case, I'd honestly let this go and try and busy yourself. It would genuinely shock me if she never contacted you again. My guess is she'd be likely to contact you when she started worrying/being convinced you weren't going to contact her, if that makes sense.