Am I In The Wrong?

[andrewcarlson1]

Facebook is becoming a real pain in my ass.

My SO got super jealous last night about my friends (of the female gender) posting messages on my wall saying, "Hey. I hope you have a great day sweetheart! Can't wait to see you next! xoxo" since I'm away from all of my friends pursuing my dreams.

She got super jealous because of that. We are still arguing about it because I just look at it as a friendly message. Most of my friends are either living in the south, or have lived in the south where they use that kind of terminology all of the time. When I lived in New Orleans, they'd call me "baby" or "babe" because that's how they were brought up/normal conversation with anyone.

Am I wrong for saying she's overreacting? I mean, she's still not happy and I already had to deactivate my Facebook wall (which is I think is way too damn extreme) because I think this whole argument is ridiculous. What is she going to do when I have to have an on-screen kiss for a film I'm acting in in about a month?

So I guess I just want to know if I'm in the wrong for saying she's overreacting?

[Rugger]

When your partner tells you her feelings on a subject, never say she's overreacting, even if she is. It's only going to make her madder and put her on the defensive. Also, if she wasn't raised in the south, she doesn't know how your friends were brought up. I personally would have a problem with another woman calling my boyfriend babe if I didn't know her, but then again I'm from New York. I have pet names for my male friends( I call my best friend Dirty Pirate Hooker), but nothing romantically based because to me, those names should be reserved for a lover.

As a woman, I can see where she would be mad. Try talking to her and explaining to her that even though your friends call you sweetheart, she's your only sweetheart. Does your SO call you sweetheart? I could also see a problem arising because if that's her pet name for you and someone else is calling you by it, it could be construed as a sexual thing.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I wouldn't say you're in the wrong. I think she probably just overreacted because she got a little jealous and jumped the gun a little. Just tell her that there's nothing going on between you and your female friend, and that's all that you guys are. Just friends. I hate it when girls automatically assume just because another girl's talking to a guy that there's something going on between them. Just assure her that she has nothing to fear.

[NaNi]

It's a bit extreme that you had to deactivate your Facebook wall, but I understand why the "sweetheart" part annoyed her. I wouldn't want to read that either.

[LeilaniJoi]

Coming from the South I can tell you that "sweetheart" or "sweety" or "babe" can be taken either way. Mostly though, for friends it's very harmless. I did manage to get one of my male friends in trouble with his girl though when I called him "sweety" once lol She settled down once I explained to her, but still... from their standpoint I can see where it would bother someone. To me, as my pet name with my SO is "honey" that's what I would get upset about.

In any case... yes it's a stupid argument, but saying that if it truly bothers her then you have to understand and work around that. Hopefully she will be trustful enough of you to understand it's harmless, but at the same time it's not worth an argument. There are far bigger things to argue about out there and facebook has been the downfall of many couples sadly.

[Haley53]

Both my partner and I agreed that we would be bothered if someone posted on either of our walls referring to us as "sweetheart," especially coupled with the "xoxo" (though strangely, the "xoxo" alone would have bothered neither of us). I think it's primarily because of our association with said pet name. "Babe," "Babes," "Baby," and other variations of it seem to be quite common amongst social groups regardless of their relationship to one another; I don't use it in relation to my partner, nor he to me, and so perhaps that wouldn't have bothered either of us, either. But because we use "sweetheart," or because it's been said in intimate situations... Does your girlfriend call you by that name? Do you call her by that name? Rugger has a point with that, there.

But though I feel deactivating your wall was an extreme thing for her to have you do, and for you to allow her to "make" you do, other than that, I can see where she'd be upset. Maybe it is a cultural thing of having grown up in the south. For example, my partner sees it as having poor boundaries, whether you've grown up that way or not. I think it's all dependent, really, on different people and the way they view different situations; whereas one person may feel strongly about one thing, for example, someone completely different is going to blink and stare when that person reacts to it. Have you tried calmly explaining to her that that was the way you've been brought up? Reassuring her that nearly everyone there uses pet names etc., or at least letting her on to the fact that there's nothing going on between you and this girl? Perhaps you could even talk to this girl and tell her not to post such things on your wall because it upsets your girlfriend and you want to respect your girlfriend's feelings about it. I do think you should be able to reactivate your FB account, however, as I genuinely think she does/did not have the authority or right to ask you to do so.

But I would take a day or two to cool off about it. Suggest you both do. Breathe, relax, do what you need to do to get the feelings out, and then when all's said and done, go back and talk about it with her. See what she's willing to compromise on, see what she's not willing to compromise on, and you state the same. Once done, you can both look at what sacrifices you're willing to make and come to a compromise between those, as well. Best of luck.

[andrewcarlson1]

I guess I also forgot to say that most of my friends are age 35 or older and I'm like 20.

But regardless, I understand where you all are coming from. I tell her she has nothing to worry about because all of my friends are at least a 7 hour drive away (1 of them) the other ones live on the East Coast as I'm here in SoCal.

Anyway, thanks for your perspective everyone. I appreciate it.

[kteire]

Oh man, are you dating my sister by any chance? :P She and her SO have had this fight time and time again and she's made him deactivate his wall a few times...
It's a tricky situation, because the fact of the matter is, you can't control what people post on your wall. I'd be a bit upset too if someone else was calling my SO babe or sweetheart on his wall, but a lot of my SOs friends are the same saying sweetie and babe. In the end, it puts you in an awkward situation because there's no way of you being able to contact every friend and tell them not to call you those things on your wall, and you shouldn't have to anyways. Just reassure her that they're just friends. It's on her to learn not to be upset by it, that's what I've done!