What should I do?

[ChrisMich]

How can I get my girlfriend to believe me? I've lied to her so many times in the past about me and stuff... and I've hid relationships I have had in the past from her. I want to make her believe that I'm not lying or hiding anything, but when I say that she doesn't believe me. Some advice please? I really want this relationship to work.

And yes, it's long distance.

[snow_girl]

Well first of all you shouldn't have lied. You've broken her trust, and honestly may never fully get it back. Tell her you know what you did was wrong and from now on will be 100% truthful, but it may take some time for her to trust you again.

[Gemini]

I agree with snow

I think time will tell for trust, you cant just gain trust back right there you need to earn it.

And i had my fiance lie to me as well in the past i still dont hardly trust him on things but i mostly understood why he lied. I think you need to show her you can be truthful. I think time will tell.

[Minerva]

Live your life as an open book with her. Don't push her to trust you. Don't get defensive if she questions you. Don't get angry at her if it takes time or if she never fully trusts you again.

If you've lied, it can take a long time to gain that trust back, if ever. And if you no longer lie, yet she never completely trusts you again, you might start resenting her for not forgiving you.

Lies are really destructive and it's really hard for a relationship to get back on track after a history of broken trust.

I wish you luck.

[kiara_silver]

Its hard to fully trust someone when they lie or keep secrets from you. And I think its even more the case when its family or someone you love. Because those are the people you want to have the most faith in and should be able to believe. So when they lie or hurt you it makes you confused and a part of you puts up a wall to protect yourself. It will take time to build up that trust again, and thats also my advice. Give her time, just keep being honest and faithful from this point on and show her with time that your true. Secrets and lies hurt.

[Rugger]

Trust in a relationship is earned. She gave you her trust and you broke it. Now you have to earn it back. Don't lie to her and come clean about everything you've lied about in the past.

[11MikesGirl21]

It's hard to get trust back once you've lost, or built it when you really have nothing there. Just give it time. Come through when you say you'll do something, be honest with everything. Just let it come. You can't do anything to make her trust you, you have to show her you're worth trusting and let her build her faith in you.

[Haley53]

I am imagining that your lies have been found out and clarified, and I imagine that you are putting in a significant effort to being honest with her now. What I think you need now is to be patient, because patience (and honesty) is what's going to get you through this.

As kiara_silver said, we put the most of our faith in our loved ones. As children, I think most of us tend to have this burning unconditional love for everyone and everything. I think before you reach a certain age, yes, kids can be mean - they can be mean as hell - but for the most part, you're willing to be friends with anyone. When you're in mad puppy love, you don't think about the complications that may present themselves in the future because you're "in love" and it's that simple. I think that when we fall in love as our adult selves, we tend to experience the same thing. I think when we fall in love, and I mean truly fall in love, we tend to surrender most logic to the fact that "we love each other and we will make it work." I think that being in love, most people don't often see the red flags or warning signs, and I think that most people do not expect to be blindsighted by their SO; I think this is true regardless of the history of the person. And I think when we get slapped in the face by the wrong doings of the people we're most in love with, it can send one reeling into a time and space that may be limitless, but you feel trapped, suffocated, etc. It is like everything you've ever known gets turned upside down, and you aren't sure what to make of the new information, how to let go of the old, if you can even think about moving past any of it. It is difficult to go through realising that the person you cared for and loved, the person you trusted with everything, was a lie, and it can tear you apart from the inside out.

This isn't to say that one can't move past it, that one can't forgive it, but it's unlikely to be something that she'll ever forget. It's unlikely that she'll be able to move so beyond this experience that she never questions you or your motives again. It's unlikely that she's going to be able to take an explanation for the truth immediately and straight off the bat. The quote goes that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but in a moment when you're hurting like she is, feel as betrayed as she does, and are feeling a conflict of emotions - love and hate and anger and fear and so on - sometimes it's better to be too cautious, and risk missing any beautiful opportunities, than to blindly step into the middle of a firing squad and hope that everyone misses; she's too vulnerable to take the worth-it chances and risks that come with relationships, not specifically yours or relationships that have gone south such as this, but in general. And you are going to have to live with that. You are the one who lied, you are the one who was dishonest, and if you had past relationships, were these while you were with her? Because if so, you were the one who was unfaithful as well, though I'd argue that lying to your partner no matter the lie is, in and of itself, unfaithful. It is going to take more than an apology and an oath of honesty to win back everything you lost. Life does not work that way. There are consequences, whether positive or negative, to your actions, to the choices you make and the decisions you act on; this is your consequence for the choice that you have made here.

I would sit down and talk with her about it. I would be open with her, tell her that you are sorry, that you regret it, assuming this is true, and tell her that you do want to make an effort to be honest and open with her about whatever she would like to know. However, this does need to be within reason. Earning back her trust does not mean letting her go through your phone when you're together in person, letting her have the passwords to your e-mail, Facebook, and other social networking sites, letting her go through your things at will, and so on simply because you "have nothing to hide." In the end, I think this level of openness actually fosters mistrust or at the very least provides a false sense of security. She needs to realise that unfortunately, her consequence to staying in this relationship, if she so decides to, is going to be that she needs to put in ample effort and a significant amount of work as well. She is going to need to learn what questions are appropriate to ask, about what and whom, and she's going to have to accept that you violating her trust does not give her the sudden authority to question every breath that you take or to snoop through things you wouldn't previously have given her access to. That would be taking the easy way out and it would only serve to prolong the problem.

I do agree that you should be open with her from here on out. If she asks a question such as "where were you last night?" don't get defensive. Don't get angry. Don't get frustrated. If you get any of these things at her, I want you to take a deep breath (or two or three) before responding to her question. Answer it as far as you feel comfortable, but don't answer it so vaguely, for example, as saying "out" as this will only arise further suspicion. Saying "I was out with my friends" and then talking about the good time you had while at suchandsuch location would be the better way to go about it.

Other than that, there's not much you can do but be patient. Talk to her and ask her how she feels. Does she want to make this relationship work the same way you do? And if so, what does she think her needs are going to be that you will have to meet so that you can both start working through this?

[ChrisMich]

Thank you all for your help. I'm sure I can work this out with her.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Trust isn't easily gained. Once you throw it away over lies, it's hard to get back. You're gonna need to really work hard to earn her trust once again.

[Sharon Q]

Along with what the others said, you also need to remember that actions speak louder than words. You need to show her that she can trust you with your actions.

[Moon]

Understand that she may never trust you again, but all you can do is be 100% honest, wait for a long time, and hope for the best. Trust has to be earned, and that's not easy when you've repeatedly lied. Some people are more forgiving than others, and everyone places different levels of importance on things in a relationship, you have to hope that she's willing to give you a clean slate to work with. I think you two need to have a serious, heart to heart discussion about your past dishonesty and how you realized how stupid it was and that you're sincerely looking to change. Good luck

[Jgui]

you shouldn't of lied in the 1st place.. it's hard to have someone gain their trust in you after you've lost them.. if you really want her to trust you and believe in your words, you're going to have to work really hard and show her you're determine to gain her trust again.

Good Luck