She's got no time for me

[Laura_N]

In another thread I said how I feel as though my SO's job is the number one priority she has. That's right, but after our conversation yesterday I really got the impression that I'm on the very bottom of her priorities. This is gonna be long, I'm sorry...

We haven't had much communication in weeks, just some e-mails every day that are typically very short. All we talk about is "how are you?" "I'm fine, you?" "Fine too." She might sometimes even use just one single smiley to answer me. And what's really bothering me is that she won't tell me if something is wrong. I raised the subject over a week ago, and she said we would talk about it later. That one week passed, we still hadn't talked about it, so I raised the subject again yesterday. I wanted her to come online but no, she insisted I'd just tell her what it is by e-mail.

Basically, she said that once I live there she will have more time for me. That it will be easier. I reminded her that we're living in the present, and her answer was just that things won't always be like this. When I asked her how will she have more time for me when we live closer to each other if she won't have more time for me now, she said that it's different. Then her job came along. She said she works about 12 hours a day, sometimes 13,5 hours a day. Then she spends time with family, eats and watches TV and goes to bed. Fine, so I know her job is important to her, and obviously I understand she's tired after a day like that, but for me that just sounds... too much. On top of that I know she sometimes brings work home. I've been worried about her because I think she'll eventually burn out. So when I carefully asked her if she's ever considered she's working too much, she immediately put on her defense and seemed kinda angry.

Over a week ago my suggestion was that we'd set time aside for the two of us every week, like one or two hours, because we really do nothing but e-mails nowadays. When I reminded her about this she asked do I want my one hour Saturday or Sunday.

I feel really crappy. I didn't answer to her anymore because I just don't know what to say. I never thought I would almost have to pressure her to give me one hour from her week, because it looks like she's not very interested in the idea at all. Is that really too much asked? I care about her deeply and I don't want to lose her, and I'm not considering a break-up or anything like that. But I have to say that I know that if I have to wait almost one year (and in the worst case more) until we close the distance, and if it's going to be like this, I'm not gonna be very happy. This thing has been bugging me for a few weeks. I feel like this means less to her because we are LD, as if I only exist when we'll be CD.

I'm clueless...

[Malaga]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. I've been following your threads and posts and this seems like a consistent problem. I don't want to be negative but to me it seems you're just not a priority to her. She does sound like she's under a lot of stress by the way you're telling this, and I realise it's hard for her to open to you. But the truth is, if you are important to someone, they'll find a way to make time for you sooner or later. It's not even giving in to your demands. It's that they feel the need to spend quality time with you, however rare or short it is.

Maybe she takes you for granted. You seem like a patient and rational girl and maybe she feels she can put you on the backburner with no backlash and solve more urgent matter. But this doesn't seem like a temporary thing - say, until she meets a deadline or something. It looks like she created this lifestyle for herself and if you want to be with her you'll have to fit in with her schedule and adjust to her lifestyle.

Don't you think she needs to give you some reassurance before you close the distance? I assume you'll be the one doing this big life transition to be with her. What makes you think she'll suddenly change and start paying you more attention once you're there? I guess she thinks your physical presence will make up for lack of communication. Maybe you're down with that, maybe you aren't.

Forgive me if I'm too presumptuous. But I think you deserve better.

Good luck xx

[Laura_N]

I guess you could call it consistent, yes. But things weren't always like this. We used to talk a lot until towards the end of this summer when she started having more pressure at work. I remember how she used to end her days at work around 4-5 PM in July and after that we'd often speak while she was on her way home, and then again later that day, but now she can work up to 8.30 PM. She's always tired because of her job.

You're most likely right about the thing that she takes me for granted, that's kind of how I see it too. I'm patient and I've never gotten angry with her, because I try my best to understand, so I'm thinking perhaps I should have showed some of my frustration before. However I don't doubt that she cares for me, I'm sure she does. I believe it's her job situation that has really affected on our relationship, but she won't really admit it or understand my point of view. To me she seems like a workaholic but it's not really my place to say if she is or isn't. All I know is that nowadays her job is her everything (it was always important for her), and I feel really left aside. I'm sad and frustrated and kind of confused, because things used to be good between us.

I do think things need to change before I move over there. I'm working on a uni application, it was my dream to go studying there even before we started talking about closing the distance, but to be honest the process has been really tough and I don't feel as motivated as I was. It's what I asked from her, why does she think she'll have more time for me when I live over there when she doesn't have time for me now - and all I got was that it will be easier. I'm just not quite sure about that, because her working hours are getting longer and longer, and our communication lacks. If this is the way to go before I possibly get in to university and move over there, then I really don't know...

Thanks for taking your time answering me.

[JessicaT]

I understand how busy she is. What kind of "time" are you looking for? Telephone? Text? IM? If it's texting and IMing, she can do these while eating and watching tv. If It's talking on the phone, I can understand a bit more because that takes total concentration and brings you away from everything else. With your hour this weekend, ask her which day would work best for her; that way she can't say, "Well, that's a bad time for me."

On your part, sending emails with pictures of your life and going on might be a good idea. Express how much you love and miss her in every email. Say something that will make her want to cry (happy tears) either in email, but it might have a big effect verbally. Be supportive of her. I can imagine she needs a lot of mental hugs. Make everything about her until she's a little more stable. This job sounds like it's relatively new so she might be a little overwhelmed at the moment. Also, a good idea might be to send her a stress-relief care package (bubble bath, candle-aromatherapy, incense, chocolates, music, movies, etc.). If you don't know her address, find it out!

Best of luck! (P.S. I'm a busy girl, my SO is really super supportive and I really appreciate it)

[Laura_N]

Not telephone, but something like MSN. Playing games, going on an online date sometimes, anything would do me as long as it's not e-mailing... I am sending her photos, telling her I miss her (can't remember the last time she told it to me back...) and all that, trust me. I have tried to be the perfect supportive SO but I'm starting to feel tired not getting anything back. She has even started to ignore some of my e-mails. The last time I sent her photos she didn't even let me know if she had received them. I also sent her a video but I don't think she ever watched that one either, because she hasn't got time. And usually she says she'll look at them later. She isn't the only one being stressed, because I'm having hard time with my life too. I don't want to sound selfish, but I feel like I'm the only one seeing any effort for our relationship at the moment.

She has had this job from May, and worked on the field for at least two years. So it shouldn't be about everything being new that overwhelms her. For me it just sounds like she has a bond so strong to her job that she doesn't know how to let go every now and then and relax.

About the address, you don't know how much I would love to send her something like that. However, she is having a little bit of trust issues and I haven't got her address. Her ex-girlfriend turned out into a stalker, so I assume it's still affecting on her. And talking about trust, yesterday she asked me if I have found someone else because I had rised the subject about our time. Thanks for your answer.

[Moon]

I'm sorry you're going through this. In an LDR, making time for each other is mandatory, it's not an option, it's not really negotiable either. I understand being busy and work commitments, and sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your time for them, but not all of it. You are totally being taken for granted here, and that's not acceptable behavior, you deserve much better than that. My guy and I have a 7 hour time difference, we both work in a fast paced career in a company that's high pressure. When I get home from work, it's 1:00am there, and he is always waiting for me, no matter how tired he is. Even if we only have a few minutes, we make each other a priority, that's how LDR's should work.

She's always saying that once you move there, it'll be different, but why would you move to another country for someone who can't be bothered with you? Her responses to you really aren't good and I think it's time you force the issue a bit, so what if she doesn't want to hear it. I hate to say it but there are SO many red flags I'm seeing, trust issues or not, she wants you to move there but she still doesn't give you an address? That's just not normal, we've all got trust issues one way or the other, and you're in a completely different country, so stalking her would be difficult at best.

I'm really sorry Laura, but the more you write about her, the more I think there's something very wrong here If she won't talk to you NOW, and you don't resolve some of these issues, I think it's probably time to reassess the whole relationship.

[LeilaniJoi]

Definitely agree with Moon on the red flags coming up here. Its never fun to be taken for granted and that's exactly what she is doing...you're there when she wants to bother with talking with you but can't be available when you need her. That's not a give and take relationship, it's a take relationship and sooner or later you will run out of things to give.

I think I'd seriously be evaluating things and wondering if I was willing to move that far for someone that couldn't make me at least a priority in her life, if not THE priority. It's never fun to be an option for someone and I'm sorry, but if watching TV comes before talking to someone you supposedly love then there is a much bigger problem at hand. If you read any of the "difference in relationship after a move" threads you will see that many (including me) said that conversation definitely dropped once the distance closed. In LD you have to talk, it's your only way of communicating really. In CD you get caught up in the day to day and yes you talk, but not nearly as much. At the rate you are going with this relationship that doesn't give good vibes about it.

Please evaluate where you are and what you deserve from someone that says they love you. I seriously feel for you but you deserve so much better from someone. I think if it were me I'd just cut contact completely for awhile and see what happens. You deserve so much better than to be ignored honey. <Hugs>

[Laura_N]

Thank you for your replies. They really made me think. I suppose I can't just give up anymore when I'm talking to her and let her avoid the subject.

I just don't get what went wrong between the two of us... We really clicked the time we met, and just some time ago we used to flirt and have fun conversations about actual things, not just those two-word discussions about how we're both fine or tired. Rationally thinking if she didn't want to be with me anymore she should have said so or then cut contact for good, so I just can't believe it's really that either. And I'm still doubting myself about this. Maybe I'm just making it look like a big deal when in reality it's not? Rationally thinking nobody's relationship should be like this, but my head's messing with me.

[Laura_N]

OK, just an update. We managed to talk online last night and I think we have a compromise, but I'm still not quite happy. I'm not sure she got my point.

What I realized is that her whole life really is all about her job. Even our conversation last night revolved around it. I swear, her job was mentioned in every other sentence at least! But basically, she thinks she has nothing to talk about to me because she cannot talk about her job because she says I don't understand her job or that I'm not interested. I tried to explain her that of course I am interested in what she is doing and apologized if I have made it seem like the opposite, but it was like telling it to a brick wall. I also tried to point out that I'm worried because she works so much. She said to me she is always tired and always stressed, so I thought it would be alright to mention it. She only said I make her sound like a freak.

The compromise we made sounds like a custody agreement, seriously. We talk more every weekend, I try to pay more interest to her job and she will tell me when something is wrong and won't keep me in the dark. I, honestly, doubt this is going to solve much, because the conversation kept going in circles and lead us nowhere other than that. But for the sake of it I want to try it. She still says she's crazy about me and that the interest she has hasn't gone anywhere. And I refuse to let go before we try to fix things...

But after that we also talked about another matter. Like I said in a previous post, she asked me if I have found someone else. That wasn't the only time, so I asked her if she really thinks I would do that to her. "I don't know..." Apparently she thinks I would do with someone younger or with someone who gives me more time. I tried to reassure her, and then stupid me, rised the address question, saying I'd like her to consider it. Well... She said she can't give it to me because of what happened with her ex and that I should just respect it and let the whole trust thing be. I apologized because I don't want to push it any further.

I know her ex hurt her, but what's a relationship without trust? I have never done anything to give her a reason not to trust me, so it kinda hurts me now. I don't know what to do with the trust issue. She doesn't trust me and our communication is going to h*ll.

[Malaga]

I'm really curious now what this job is!

*hug* I realise how hard this is for you. You can't have a relationship without communication and compromise and she seems unwilling to budge in. It's clear she has her priorities set elsewhere and while it feels good to have you around, it's as long as you fit into her schedule. She's paranoid about you meeting someone else as it would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. And the address thing... Without this basic trust you can't move anywhere.

You've been very patient and accommodating and at some point you have to draw the line. You can't pull for two, especially as it seems a permanent fixture. Your needs are valid and reasonable. If she can't or is unwilling to acknowledge them, it really isn't worth your time or the heartache.

I understand you want to give it another shot. If I were in your place, I would draw the line and say, "this is as far as I go. If you care about this relationship, you'll meet me at this point. I won't accept less than that." And then stick to it.
Don't be afraid of conflict. Unfortunately when people take you for granted, you have to show them the teeth to be taken seriously.
Then if you have to walk away, only good things can happen to you. You'll be free to meet someone who'll try hard to meet your needs and treat you like you deserve.

Just don't be a doormat. It's not going to help this relationship at all. And the longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the harder it is to get rid of the emotional baggage and repair your self esteem.

Take care xx

[Laura_N]

Thanks, Malaga.

She works on HR, human resources. I don't think she really even notices what's going on, I don't think she is doing this on purpose. She just refuces to see the reality because she's so engaged to her job, and because she cannot move on from what happened with her ex. While I understand it, I just know that little by little I keep running out of patience, and it's not doing good for her or for me. I don't want her to get hurt either. I guess someone else in my position would have given up already, or would do it now... And I guess it would make sense. But I believe she just needs a wake-up call.

And I believe I'm repeating myself and making me sound naive, but... She just means so much to me.

[books]

I don't think it's fair how your SO is treating you. And it does sound like your making excuses for her behavior. I work a lot of hours too (2 jobs). Yesterday for instance I had a 15.5 hour day. I still managed to message my SO a few times and of course told him how much I love him before crashing into bed. I would never want him to feel neglected because of my work schedule. Point is, on the surface the having "no time" may seem like what's going on, but it's that your SO is not prioritizing you in her life. Communicating this to your SO is important, and if she doesn't help in strategizing ways to increase the contact between you two, it doesn't really seem like she's on board in the relationship.

[SquishyLove]

Wow, you are one patient woman and I know I for one wouldn't be so patient if my SO put me on the last part of his priorities like that. I really do think you deserve better treatment. I won't tell you what decision to make as it's completely up to you at this point, but I personally wouldn't have stuck around so much. It sounds like she expects you to continue being ok with doing all the work. As you said, you felt like you were talking to a brick wall. I think you have all your answers. While I admire your unwillingness to give up on your SO, because it shows that when you're in a relationship you're willing to work for it, I also feel from my point of view that it may be unhealthy for you. I understand you care about her, but at this point it seems like you barely register on her radar. I hope for the best for you, and I think you deserve much better! Also, I'm very much wondering how she expects you to make the big change of moving to her if she's barely putting any effort into the relationship now. How is it going to be any better in person? I also think it's not normal that she isn't giving you her address. Her excuse with the ex is just that, an excuse, and the fact that she's unwilling to bend on it and unwilling to discuss it with you further would be a red flag to me. All relationships require open communication to work, and she's basically putting her foot down and telling you how it's going to be with that, and I don't think she respects your feelings. I think if I were you I'd seriously evaluate if this person is worth relocating for before you completely change your life for her. As another poster said, when you go from being LDR to CDR, conversation becomes less because you get caught up in the everyday together, and of course that's ok and usually the trade off is you get to enjoy more activities together in person and also get to hug and cuddle each other and all that other fun stuff. When you're LDR, however, talking a lot, and daily communication is extremely important, and to me it's odd that she doesn't want to communicate with you daily, and only wants to give you one hour a week of her time. I think you're answering your own questions in your posts. I think you want it to be the way it was before she moved you to the bottom of her priorities. I think you hold out hope she'll change. I think she wants to hang on to you to have you around when it's convenient for her, and you're showing her that you're willing to be on the back burner for her. She's making partial "compromises" to partially appease you for now. Either way, I don't see a healthy situation, but I understand how it's hard to let go when you're attached to someone. I wish I had more comforting words, I of course don't know you but I can see how you're a nice person, and I think you deserve better. Whether to keep this situation going or not is up to you.

[Laura_N]

You all have brought up really good points and I know I would probably give someone else in this situation the same kind of advice as you do. Thank you, really, because your comments have meant a lot to me. Even just knowing that I'm not too needy for wanting to spend more time with her is comforting.

[SquishyLove]

No, you're not needy at all! You're wanting your partner to fulfill her part in the relationship, and that's completely normal. A relationship is a living thing, and it needs nourishment to grow. You're willing to nourish it and she's too busy it seems...and it takes 2 to keep a relationship going...so tread your own path, but tread wisely for yourself too - you deserve sanity! I wish you the best of luck in this situation!