I think I might have scared him

[bethanymkeegan]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. I'm in California and he's in Nova Scotia, Canada (4000 miles, 4 time zones). We've small-talked here and there about who would move where, but it was never anything serious. We just didn't think the time was appropriate and we didn't want to rush anything.

On Wednesday, I told him that I made a financial plan for myself. 36 months to be debt free and have a rather large amount of cash in savings. Afterwards, it took me about 45 minutes to bring up that after those three years, I'd like to move there to be with him.

I must have scared him, because we didn't talk much yesterday and today he sent me a message that said "I know you want to move here, but I can't ask you to do that. What if you don't like it here. What if we don't work out. There are too many unknowns. 3 years is a long ways away and we don't know what will happen between then. Honestly, I've been thinking about us for a month or so and I do love you but something I don't even know if that's enough. The distance is extremely hard on both of us and it feels like sometimes we are just glorified penpals. I know you're going to get upset, but I'm being honest."

Two scenarios popped in my head:
1. He's not ready for the commitment he thinks I'm proposing to him (because I wasn't proposing a damn thing, actually. No marriage, to engagement...)
2. He doesn't want me there.

And then I called. He didn't answer (work), but texted back with, "Don't get upset. I'm not saying anything negative. I'm just saying at times I have felt like that. I don't now."

He just called to say goodnight, sweet like normal. He told me he would call tomorrow to say Happy Birthday to my daughter and then he told me he loved me and sweet dreams.

I don't want to "fix" anything, however I am that type of person. When my ex-husband dropped off our daughter, I broke down to him telling him that I wasn't happy here in California and he said "home is where your heart is" and I welled up with tears and I said "my heart isn't here". He told me to go. Go and get settled and he'll send my daughter. He said go as soon as I want to go and he'll send my daughter when I have an apartment and a job.

I'm not going to marry Ryan to get into Nova Scotia, but it seems like that's my only option. They don't want me (I don't qualify for what they're looking for in a skilled worker). I could apply for an extended stay visa or a travel visa, and be there for a few months, but that's not my intention. My intention is to be able to rent an apartment with the money that I bring with me and then get a job to support myself. I don't expect Ryan to want to live with me, and I want to do this for two reasons:

1: The environment is amazing (people, markets, scenery, schools (!!!), everything) and I felt like it would be a great place to raise my daughter.
2: Ryan. I wouldn't care if we lived 20 miles away from each other... We COULD see each other whenever we wanted (instead of now where the distance is getting to the both of us.)

I need advice. I want to move there to improve my quality of life (because I can't manage to have no financial obligations in California other than rent, and still not manage to get ahead), and the quality of life for my child. Additionally, I want to be near the one person I've committed myself to.

Thank you,
B

[xo_Kayla]

My SO gets the same way. He also lives in Canada and I live in the US. Every time I bring up the future like moving in together and stuff like that he gets kind of "distant." He says stuff like "Let's just see how things go for awhile and take it day by day." I can't help but look into the future and think things through of how they're going to work out. Sorry I don't have any good advice for you. I just thought I'd let you know you're not alone.

[Ms.Justine]

Oh jeez, I was the same way with my ex...I was always looking into the future and he really wasn't at all. I know he said he wasn't trying to be rude with that message but "glorified pen pals" yikes! That hurt me reading it...I hope that he gets out of this rut asap and has a clear decision that he wants to be with you and the wait is worth it. Although, as tough as it may be i'd try to stay away from talking about the future just give him some space to think about it. If you keep bringing it up he may feel as though he is being attacked or trapped into a commitment (which most men hate) I'd say just take it day by day, and keep the though of the future in mind and in process just on the back burner of the oven if you know what i'm saying.

Not to mention if this makes you feel any better I live in Canada and i'm saying your a Cali girl lol he should be proud to be bringing in an american girl

[MadMolly]

I don't understand how you can be in a LDR without first establishing who will move and when that might happen. Otherwise what is the point? LDR forever?

He really needs to talk this over with you I think!!

[Haley53]

I don't understand how you can be in a LDR without first establishing who will move and when that might happen. Otherwise what is the point? LDR forever?

This. This is something I, very nervously, spoke of with my SO. I didn't want him to see me as being pushy or as moving too fast, especially when I wasn't proposing much of anything!, but based on the circumstances of our situation and the nature of our relationship, the conversation needed to happen. I'd been in a LDR prior to this one with a boy from London, and one thing that did end up putting a strain on the relationship was that no one had discussed the future or ways to see each other more often (there was a lot more wrong with the relationship than that, but that was a big issue for a time). I did not want to go through that again with my current boyfriend simply based on the nature of our relationship. So I told him, I said, that I would likely be unable and even somewhat unwilling to move. I'm on a set path to graduate school, have my doctorate in mind, and due to field studies and internships, and general opportunities and contacts, my life is/will more or less be established here, not to mention that I am extremely bonded to my mother and sister and highly connected to the area of where I am as well. There's a general energy about and magick of where I'm located, and as a practising pagan, that is also important to me. He needed to know that if our relationship ever progressed to the point of moving in together, I would not likely be the one to move. Although he explained that he understood this and never would have expected it of me to move, though he explained it was something he'd been aware of since the beginning and thus knew what he'd be getting into getting involved with me, I can still understand your SO's fears and doubts.

Prior to analysing the logistics of this current relationship and my life in relation to it, I had always thought that if I got into a LDR where one needed to move in order to be with the other, I would be the one to move. Why? Because it's almost better to be the one who'd be SOL than feel guilty for that role falling on someone you once, and maybe still do, loved and cared about. For me, moving would mean I, more or less, would be the one in control of what happened over me. It would be on my time and on my dollar and it would be up to me to fend for what I needed to get done; yes, my SO could, and likely would, help, but I would be in charge of my finances and of finding work and so on and so forth. I can say I feel a little bit better about my plan of doing things with my current SO - I believe in living together pre-marriage, so he will be coming here on a Work Visa - but if we were going straight to a K-1, I'd be a little bit intimidated. At least with a Work Visa, he's not entirely dependent on me.

You don't have this same luxury. You have a situation where you would likely have to marry your SO to get into the country. There's a lot riding on this. In America, I believe you have to remain married for 2 years (and living in the country) in order for the one to be eligble for citisenship (as I recall... I may be missing some minor detail). Not only would this effect my SO, but it would effect me. What are Canada's laws? Because it's not only you you have to consider. He may be someone like me, who's nervous about the idea of marriage after only x-number of time spent together in x-number of years. How much time have you spent with one another in person? This is all a huge contributing factor. I do think that LDRs have to do away with practical logic to an extent, but not so completely that you're moving up there to get married to get in to the country with only a chunk of change and no promising career or ways of financially supporting yourself once that fund runs dry. Maybe he's worried about having to financially support or sponsor you, too. There could be a number of things he's worried about, depending on how much in-person time you've racked under your belt and depending on the plans you have for your futures.

If I were you, I would consider applying for an extended stay. No, it's not your plan, but sometimes LDRs call for compromise/sacrifice. You say you want to apply for a Work Visa but don't match the requirements. What are they and why don't you? My SO had a couple options, one of which he does not qualify for and one of which he does. But my question is, if you don't qualify for work via a Work Visa, do you have the skills and qualifications required for what sorts of work will be available to you when you arrive there? Have you looked at what the current job market is like? Yes, it will have changed in three years, but there's nothing wrong with having an idea of what's available now, and if you would qualify for any of those jobs as a residence of Canada, what's stopping you from qualifying while on a work permit/Visa? If there really is no way of applying and earning a work permit, then I really would go back to the option of an extended stay; maybe you could live with Ryan during that time and if anything, you could see how you work together in a living situation, or you could temporarily rent out an apartment and simply see how you work together in day-to-day living. He may be more open to discuss a Fiance or Spousal Visa, for example, if he has those grounds to work off of.

I think the other thing, too, is you have both you and your daughter to consider, and you have to think of Ryan also. What if you move and Ryan does not work out? What if something happened to Ryan and you were left with you and your daughter? Would you be happy living in Nova Scotia? You say it's a great area that you've looked and researched into, but is it a great area because it has resources you can find here and is also close to Ryan, or is it a great area because it's a great area? You need to think about what would happen if it didn't work out. Would you be able to go back to America and be supported there if it called for it? It's always, in my opinion, good to be able to stand on your own two feet and have your own unique situation if your SO were all of a sudden out of the picture. Because as in life, there are no promises of anything. Of course I'd hope that it'd work out - I'm sure you do too! - but you have to be prepared in case it doesn't. Sounds like Ryan feels the same way.

My opinion would be to talk to Ryan and get his take. See what his feelings are on the relationship and how he feels if your relationship ever progresses to the point of where one would uproot themselves for the other, how would that, for him, ideally go? If you have yet to meet or have yet to spend a good amount of time together in person, this is honestly what I would discuss and think about before I started discussing with him the idea of moving there in three solid years. Best of luck!

EDIT: Read on your profile that you have met, and noticed your avatar. XD So ignore the parts of my post where I say if you haven't met/have yet to meet. <3

[DemonxOisin]

My SO does that all the time! OMG. He feels so guilty that it HAS to be me to move, and he hates that Iīm basically moving away from everything I know to be with him. He is always asking me things like "what if we break up, what if we donīt work out".

[Mara]

Honestly, it sounds to me that he isn't ready to make that type of commitment to you yet. I know you aren't asking him to make a commitment to you, but it is a huge life decision to move yourself and your daughter to where he is and from what I got of what he said, he's saying he's not ready for you to make that type of decision for him yet. I think he has a very valid point. The two of you haven't been together that long and things could very well not work out. If he were behind this decision 100% I'd say go for it and live your life, but if he's unsure [and that's what it sounds like to me] I would think about putting this decision off for a while longer.

I'd definitely have another conversation with him though and ask him why he isn't comfortable with you making this decision now and when would he be comfortable with the two of you having a serious conversation about when to close the distance.

[HollzHeartsChris]

All I'm gonna say is, wait until you're ready. If you take the plunge now, and you're both not quite ready to move in with each other, you'll end up regretting it.

[cybunny]

Yipes I live in Atlantic Canada and there is no work here... If I could leave I would. Not trying to scare you, but the job market in this part of the country is so bad, and if you are moving to Halifax then that is probably the worst city in all of Atlantic Canada(crime wise). The poor job market here is whats holding my SO and I back from closing the distance. I can't find a job which stops me from being able to sponsor him.