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**HollzHeartsChris** · October 3, 2011, 09:28 AM

I can tell you a few things I've learnt from personal experience on this matter. I've been emotionally blackmailed by guys in the past. I've had them take advantage of my feelings and hurt me. About 2 years ago, I was with someone who wanted nothing more than to bring me down. To make me feel insecure, unhappy, unloved and very unwanted. He tried to mold and control me like you wouldn't believe and I was young and naive enough to not realise I was being hurt a lot. Emotionally. I was "in love". I didn't think. He then progressed to physically abusing me when he realised that he had control over me. I was blind enough and foolish enough to close my eyes to it but I paid for it later. I eventually saw my mistake when my family and I went on holiday and invited him along, and he treated us all like dirt. In the end, my dad sent him home and I knew I had to end our relationship because I was just going to keep on getting hurt. The reason I hadn't wanted to let him go was because I'd cared for him a lot. It hurt. I cried. I moaned a lot. But at the end of the day, I felt better for what I'd done and given time the hurt faded and I moved on.

If you ask me, you've done the right thing. I really hate to say it but walking away from someone who is going to keep on hurting you emotionally is the best decision you could have made. I know you love him a lot, I can see from the amount of time you have both been in a relationship for and the amount of hurt this has caused you, but ask yourself this: Is it really worth all the emotional stress and heartache when he's just going to keep on hurting you? I can see a lot of red flags here. In my opinion, someone who keeps hurting you emotionally is just going to keep on doing it again and again, no matter how many apologies have passed.

You yourself have expressed your doubts that this isn't going to work out. You already have your answer. You might love him, but you can see his flaws and I have to admit, they are pretty big ones. I think the best thing you can do is walk away, move on and allow yourself time to grieve. It might kill, it might cause you a lot of pain, but trust me the other option will cause you even greater pain in the long term. Because to me, this is just a vicious and painful circle that's not going to end any time soon. You'll just keep on getting hurt.

I'm really sorry. I hope things work out better for you. Best of luck *hugs*

**kteire** · October 3, 2011, 11:03 AM

I do not believe that abusive behaviour can be overcome, but it is possible for a person to learn to control it. The urges to lash out don't go away but they get to be easier to contain with time and a lot of effort. It has to be his decision to decide he needs to get help, and he has to be completely aware of the fact that what he does is abuse, and completely willing to change it.

You did the right thing by getting out. Emotional abuse is very serious, and can have much more detrimental longterm effects than physical abuse. It's incredibly hard loving someone who abuses you, I know. He has to be the one to realise what he's lost, and to realise he needs to make the change. In the mean time, try to move on with your life, and try not to hang onto the idea that he will change for you, it honestly might not happen. You should tell him that what he is doing is abuse, and tell him that you hope he'll talk to someone about it, if you feel comfortable doing that. Otherwise, cut contact and focus on yourself.

I hope you're doing ok, and if you need to talk at all, feel free to message me. I know what you're going through.

**LeilaniJoi** · October 3, 2011, 11:08 AM

In a relationship for 12 years married to a man that was very emotionally abusive to me and the children. Get out and stay out. Even with therapy he may improve but it probably won't disappear. It's not worth your long term peace of mind and trust me, it is extremely hard to overcome the scars it leaves behind....I still struggle with mine even now.... 10 years after that relationship ended.

**heylittlekrissy** · October 3, 2011, 11:22 AM

From watching my parents over the years, I would personally say get out and stay out. Even if you really love and care about him, your feelings are important, too, much more important. It's probably not going to get any better. He may learn to control it some over time, but will probaly never overcome it, and in times of hardship, will go back to that abusive nature. I've seen it happen for years now, and being best friends with my mom, I've got to see how it truly affects someone. It will only get harder for you to get out of the relationship later, and even if you love them, you still need to take care of yourself too.

**JennyRW** · October 3, 2011, 11:31 AM

Run away!!!!! I was in your situation before, my ex was like that! And when I ended the relationship on the begining I felt like you, like he could be my soulmate. 2 Years after let me tell you he cannot be my soulmate at all, he was just really good manipulating me and making me believe that! Don't believe him! My ex even told me he would commit suicide if I don't go back with him, guess what, I ignore him and 2 years later he still alive... It's just manipulation, psychological abuse! so seriously just run away and don't look back! Now more than anything you need your friends and family support! If you can travel, study, work, work out, keep yourself busy all the time so you don't think too much!
Now that I have an awsome bf I can see that what I had with my ex was not a healthy relationship at all! I know for you is not easy to see it now, but you will eventually see it.

**books** · October 3, 2011, 12:40 PM

I want to start by saying what an extremely hard first post that must of been for you to write.

While there is no simple answer to your question (as it is something so personal), the clear answer for me is NO. I spent 8 years as a social worker in a domestic violence shelter and am now working for the largest domestic violence agency in the US in an administrative role. That plus I unfortunately witnessed my parent's very abusive relationship from a young age. I say that so you know I have a fair amount of experience on this subject and what has always stood out for me is this- Domestic violence is NOT about anger management, it is about power and control. That said, overcoming an abusive nature (ie. a desire to yield power over someone else) is much more difficult to accomplish than managing angry outbursts.

Maybe checking into your local domestic violence agency would be a good place to start if you feel like you need help working through some of your feelings around leaving. I have to say the advice given in this thread, specifically by those who have lived through an abusive relationship, is pretty spot on.

**Minerva** · October 3, 2011, 12:56 PM

I agree with everyone else. Don't stay in this relationship. I'm another been there/done that woman with abuse in my past, and it doesn't get better. Watched my mom go through it with my dad (he never changed), and I went through it with an ex (he never changed in the time I was with him). Can people change? I think some can, but not enough do, and they certainly don't change when still in a relationship. It's not worth the risk to your psyche; he most likely will never change.

Take care.

**Haley53** · October 3, 2011, 01:25 PM

I disagree that emotional abuse can have more consequences than physical abuse - I believe that both leave significant scars that do require time and healing - but I also disagree that physical abuse is worse than what many people go through with emotional or mental abuse.

My father was an incredibly abusive man, in all senses of the word, and as it turns out, girls really do sometimes "marry their fathers." And this became a pattern; not of marriage, of course, but it was even present in my friendships. One, whom I'm convinced was a Borderline case, I will leave out, and will merely turn to discussing the other.

We were introduced to one another through a mutual friend. They had been friends for years before losing contact and had recently reconnected (I should note that it was not until later, when I confided in her about what he'd put me through, that she shared her own horror stories of what he'd put her through), and she wanted to introduce me to this man she'd fallen in love with when they were 13 and 14. He and I hit it off almost instantly; we spoke more than even she and he or she and I! At one point she brb'ed (this is someone whose "brb"s can be for hours at a time), giving us more interrupted talk time. He ended up having to go, but he added me on MSN before he left. He was quite shy/nervous/insecure about it, really, but of course I accepted, and that of course led to us talking the next day, and the next, and the next... We could speak for bloody hours at a time, about everything, about nothing, about everything and nothing all at once! We would speak from the wee early hours of morning to the late hours of night, sometimes skipping sleep completely simply to chat to one another. We connected on a level on which I had never connected with anyone before! And gradually, feelings began to develop, though that gradually happened over the course of the first week; it turns out that he felt the same.

The thing was, though, that he didn't want to do a LDR. He'd tried it with the girl we'd met through, tried it and failed and said it scarred him from ever doing a LDR again. I accepted this, rather unhappily, but it didn't stop the feelings from bubbling forth on either end. This continued for the rest of the summer - a true summer fling, in all senses! - and then he went off to university. Perhaps like the naive 16-year-old girl that I was (he was 18), I believed the promises he made to me when going off to college. He "didn't want anyone else" despite that we weren't in a relationship. He was "in love" with me. He promised "he'd make time for me no matter what." Well it wasn't the third week of college that things started to go south. Oftentimes, he would come on the computer and I would act affectionately and he would reject those affections. To everything I said, he would respond with "whatever." If I asked him about it, it was always he didn't "want" or "have time" to talk about it, so I miserably resigned to being coldly casual until he finally blurted out that he had found a girl to call his girlfriend.

I was hurt, yes, very very hurt, but I wanted him, more than anything, to be happy. I asked what she was like, and he responded "mental?" and launched into a rant about her issues and problems and how difficult she was to deal with. I listened, tried to be supportive, tried to provide him with insight, but it seemed that there was always something wrong with her no matter what I recommended or suggested, no matter how many times he told me I was going to make a brilliant psychologist; he wasn't happy, and looking back, I don't think it was down to her but rather down to the fact he, himself, rarely was ever happy. But he would oftentimes come home and tell me how he'd "accidently had sex with her again" and detail things I oftentimes told him I would rather not know, which would make him angry or cold and he would stop speaking with me until I resigned to letting him tell me all the nitty gritty details he desired. There were times he would try to convince me to cyber sex with him. I remember at one point I flat-out said "you have a girlfriend" because I wasn't about to become the "other woman," even online, and his response was "shit." He broke up with her over Christmas break, said he loved me and wanted me, and things were good again.

But things, again, went downhill from there. It became a roller coaster of a relationship. Whenever he was lonely or single, he wanted me. Every break, he wanted me. And I was too stupid and naive to believe that he didn't, that this wasn't meant to be, that only if the distance weren't there... I didn't accept the fact that this was who he was and who he would be even in person; it wasn't like him to not cheat or to not stab a girlfriend in the back in some cruel way. It seemed there was a new girlfriend or a new fuck every month, things I heard about after he sweet talked me into swooning over those precious words and those generous "I love you"s I loved to hear so, so often. It eventually got to a point where we were fighting in between those lonely, and lovely, times, and then to a point where I had to perform sexually to get an "I love you" at all.

He became heavy into alcohol, started in on hash, and I would suffer the effects of each. It seemed he was lovely and cuddly when drunk but during the morning, I'd receive the cold shoulder. He would almost completely ice me out and would tell me he hadn't meant it; when drunk, it was always something like "I can't say these things when sober." Later, when I went through an experience that changed my outlook on sex on what I felt like would be forever, he would tell me how he, or most guys, wouldn't wait 3 months for me before packing up and leaving because I'd "waited too long," even knowing my history. He would start telling me how he'd stopped caring, how he didn't have the energy for me. Everything in our relationship, and sometimes even outside of it, would always be "my fault." He would stop responding to me, yet would get angry if I didn't respond. He would start icing me out, shrugging me off, and then loving me once more. He would start making me feel like I was merely an objectification of his desires and that sexual favours were what I needed for any man to ever love me. He would start criticising me in every sense, making me feel emotionally and mentally inferior. For example, if he taught me an advanced mathematical concept that I picked up on immediately (math is a strong suit), I would show him, excited, and he would tell me I was wrong or didn't see it, even if I got the approval of math tutors and teachers who were surprised I'd gotten it at all. He made me feel worthless, stupid, like I could do nothing right, like I was worthless, and worse, like I deserved his treatment, like he was the best I could get... but worse than even that, he made me feel like he was my everything; worse than that, through all the abuse and the shit that he put me through, and I haven't even touched half of it, he made me feel like he was the most vulnerable, most perfect thing on earth, and if he could only change this one aspect...

(cont'd -too long)

**Haley53** · October 3, 2011, 01:25 PM

(cont'd)

But the thing is that most of the time, they don't change. My father is still the same person he was years ago. I haven't seen him for years, yet I imagine what my sister has said (she stopped seeing him only several months ago) and what my mother found out by running into him was the truth. The woman I stated who I'm convinced was Borderline, she was the only person I tried to reconnect with; disorder or not, her behaviour hadn't improved and if anything, it had worsened, and she had completely manipulated our story and again, made me feel like shit the longer/more we talked. The man I described above, I've considered e-mailing him, apologising for the part I played in our arguments, as I do believe it takes two to tango, but why put myself through that? He'd said flat-out he wasn't interested in changing and that he couldn't even if he wanted to. I doubt he's anything more or less than the same person he was, and I don't need that in my life.

I'll admit that that was one of the hardest conclusions to come to, with all three. I think cutting each of them out was harder than drifting from people I'd actually liked and gotten along with. Because they had, in some odd and strange way, shaped and formed me into something I'd come to recognise as safe, something I'd come to recognise as me, but it was merely this casing of me that they'd sculpted with their less-than-tender hands. It was merely a shell, an identity that I'd accepted, something that I'd come to know and feel safe in. Without their presence, I didn't even recognise the shell, or maybe I did, but it felt hollowed and emptied out; I felt lost, like I had no being, like they were the reasons for being here, the reasons I existed, like I loved them and only them and like we were meant. But I think having a chance to break out of that shell and re-emerge at the self that I'd lost, through that experience, was perhaps the most beautiful thing that I have ever been through. Being able to break out of it and find my wings was worth the tears and pain that the loss of their relationships caused. These days, I won't tolerate that behaviour, and I'm now with someone who treats me a hundred times better, the way I, or anyone, deserves - including you.

My advice would be that no, he's unlikely to change. Why? Because he hasn't shown any signs or steps of wanting to. In my opinion, his potential to change would start with him coming to you, SINCERELY apologising, and then enrolling himself in a program, or seeing a therapist. He would do this without talking to you and without your influence. His capacity to change would start with utilising it, and he would find a way to do so whether or not he got you back in the end, because believe it or not, you're not the only woman he's ever going to treat this way. It's so much easier said than done to say "get out and stay out" but in this situation, that is really what you have to do. :/ I second books' suggestion. Find a counsellor/therapist or look into your local domestic violence centre - emotional abuse IS abuse and does count for domestic violence - and see what resources they have available to you to help you through this situation.

Keep your chin up. <3 PM if you ever need.

**Sierra** · October 3, 2011, 01:58 PM

I just want to share my experience with you.

When I was younger I was in a horribly emotionally abusive relationship. My ex had horrible self esteem issues that were almost always taken out on me. I put up with it for a year because I thought that I could help him through his issues, and I believed we loved each other. To be honest, now I just think his favorite thing to do was make me cry.

He treated me like garbage, abandoning me places without my cell phone for hours and in the end had me convinced I would never be able to do better than him. I really bought into that and thought that I deserved what he was putting me through, and well, that it was normal for a relationship. But it wasn't.

One night he snapped and the abuse went from emotional to physical. I left him once I was able to get more physical space from him as I was afraid. In my situation, I believe it was my ex's self esteem issues that made him the way he was and until he dealt with those, no he could never manage to be in a healthy non-abusive relationship.

Some people feel the need to control their partners and do so by cutting them down. You don't deserve to be treated poorly, and if that's how he's going to treat you, don't worry, someone else out there will treat you amazingly well.

After I broke up with my ex, I was heart broken, it was hard, but I quickly realized I had done the right thing without a doubt. You will too.

**floridaellen** · October 3, 2011, 02:26 PM

I watched my best friend suffer in a relationship where she was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. I have also been sexually abused. Abuse really stems from a need to have power. They need to feel that power and that need can only be met by controlling those around them. Without a severe treatment/counseling program, they will always have that need. They may be able to suppress it for a while (hence the 'cycle of abuse' theory) but the need will always be there.

**Miramaid** · October 3, 2011, 02:33 PM

Originally posted by Emsuu View Post

I feel bad that my first post here is asking for advice, but well, with my current situation I don't really have much of a need to post anything else on this site. :/

.

Hey I did not read all the comments, but i am in your situation and too broke up last night. Send me a private message if you want to talk

**kteire** · October 3, 2011, 02:40 PM

Didn't mean to imply that the effects of physical abuse are less than other types of abuse... I just meant that emotional abuse can be the more detrimental part of abuse in a lot of cases. It was for me anyways. I just wanted to try to emphasize that it's not so much an escalation to go from emotional abuse and psychological abuse to physical abuse. But sorry if I offended!

It really makes me sad how many people on here have been through so much abuse. *hugs everyone*

**Moon** · October 3, 2011, 02:46 PM

Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, I don't know, but I do know abuse of any kind makes a relationship not worth saving at all. My ex-husband was very verbally abusive, but in his past that abuse was physical. He was just SO proud of himself because he didn't beat up women anymore, instead he moved on to emotional and verbal abuse, though he refused to recognize that. I was afraid of him, and lived in fear for a long time, until my secret plan of getting him to leave me finally, finally worked. There was no other way, had I left him, he and his fucked-up family would have made life absolute hell for me and my daughter. Early into our "marriage", he was diagnosed with a brain tumor; 3 surgeries and radiation later left him a completely different person, except for the abusive part. Sadly, that's the one part of him that remained consistent.

Look, I know it hurts, but IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT, I promise you, it's not. If he treats you like this before you've even met, what do you think it'll be like once you have? I guarantee it won't be better. Every argument will he him getting meaner, if he gets physical, it will increase every time. He'll tell you he can't help it, he just loves you so much, but you make him SO angry, he can't control it and it's your fault. Just don't do this to yourself. Get out while it's still LDR and easier, he can't get to you. If you wait, and possibly close the distance, forget it, your life just got infinitely more difficult. Just block him from chat, FB, whatever else you have him in, delete any emails without reading them, just disappear from his life, no explanations, no nothing. If you let him talk to you, he'll talk you into staying, no doubt. Don't let that happen. Don't give him the opportunity to wreck your life, just get out now.

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Is it possible to overcome an abusive nature?

Is it possible to overcome an abusive nature?

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