I am worried

[bmccartt]

Hi, my name is Bill and I am new here but I figured I need to be able to talk to someone about this that can come from an unbiased perspective since my emotions will always trail my thoughts with my girlfriend...Let me begin...

I am a first year medical student living in a town about 1.5 hours from my girlfriend. We began dating at the end of June and were absolutely inseparable until I had to leave at the end of July. We usually talk regularly on the phone and text one ano-ther very frequently but it seems that something has changed. She and I have both confessed our love for one another (she even sent me a text today saying "Love Love Love you...") but I was blind sided two weeks ago. When I drove up to see her she revealed to me that she knew that before we started going out I had slept with one of her friends. It really caught me off guard because in the beginning of the relationship I tried to be upfront about anything and everything that could possibly infringe upon our new relationship (I told her things that imo are wayyyyyyy worse and stuff that I haven't even revealed to previous long term girlfriends), but she didn't make too big of a deal about it but I feel like she just buried it because when I told her I felt immensely guilty about it she only replied with "Its done with, but I just don't know if you have slept with more of my friends". Basically I think she was just giving me a quick jab but buried her resentment for the situation because she felt that it wasn't fair to blame me for something that happened prior to our relationship. Anyways, this made me very hypersensitive to our relationship because I had never felt something come between us. I think it threw me off in the wrong direction because the next weekend the time we spent together seemed "off", even though the talks leading up to that weekend seemed great (there were other problems occuring in her life) and I believe she felt like I pressured her into the weekend even though I just wanted to see her because I wouldn't be able to for like 2 more weeks because of exams. I am just worried that I am starting to see the signs of her ignoring me and because I am so hypersensitive to the situation that it makes it awkward. She is a very strong, confidant woman and I don't want her to perceive my anxiousness as a red flag of future problems down the road. I guess I am looking for advice on how to continue, because when I know that things are "right" between she and I then I don't worry and I am able to survive my studies on minimal contact between us.

Anyway I probably have left something out so if you would like me to explain further just ask and I will elaborate.

Thanks
Bill

[Bethypoo]

Hey Bill! First of all welcome to LFAD. I think the best way to go about it is to ask her. Let her know that you feel like something is off and that you feel that she is upset about the whole friend situation. See what she says. Maybe the distance is getting to her and things are no lonnger "like the were" and that is scaring her and being a reason that she feels she can push you away.

If that is the case and she is just scared then you need to reassure her that you love her. If there is more going on, and she has some trust issues happening then there needs to be more of a conversation and maybe take a step or to back. Discuss what your issues are with one another and what you are expecting out of your relationship. Women get weirded out over things that we thought we were fine about. Just give her some space and then talk to her. LDRs are all about communication and really be honest.

Hope that helps and that things will work out

[bmccartt]

Thank You for the reply!

Well I mean she still calls me and tells me she loves me (everyday actually), I am just worried that it actually isn't an issue with her and that I am now making it into an issue. Which if that is the case I don't want to be the boy who cried wolf if you know what I mean. I was going to talk to her about it last night but she didn't answer my phone call, so I waited today for her to contact me first which she did with the text message above which I replied lovingly. It is probably something I am doing to myself but I just found out she is having problems with her phone via facebook wall post so maybe technology is also to blame for my anxiety.

[Mara]

I definitely think you should talk with her about this. From what you said, it does seem like she was upset. I don't think this is a huge issue, but something the two of you should discuss. If there was a reason you didn't tell her [which I'm assuming there is] then confide in her about it. If I were in her position I would definitely feel a bit like you purposely concealed that information and feel a little hurt.

[JennyRW]

Welcome to LFAD
I think that if she calls you and tell you that she loves you every day there is not reason for you to feel insecure relax en enjoy your relationship

[HollzHeartsChris]

Welcome to LFAD Talk to your SO about the matter. You'll find in LDRs that communication is key, and that the best way of solving problems is talking your way through them. I would feel a little hurt if I had been your girlfriend too, but there must have been a good reason to hide away your secret. Perhaps you were trying to protect her feelings, or put the past behind you. Whatever the reason, you need to talk to her about this

[bmccartt]

I didn't tell her because I didn't think it was important because I had NO IDEA that the two of them knew each other, if I had I would have been very upfront about it and I know she knows that is true. I don't think she would tell me that she loved me if something was bothering her and we did discuss it but I am just afraid that it is still in the back of her mind but maybe I am just paranoid. We are very busy people, she is a nurse who works 60+ hours a week and I am a med student.

[Joyce:)]

Welcome to LFAD. I am/was in literally the same situation with my SO, only the other way round. When love is there, things work out, you get over things, you feel better about situations the more times go by. Don't stress it, this happened before you ever even started dating, you have nothing to feel bad about, and she knows that, even though the situation might kind of hurt her a bit. There is nothing you can do if not remind her you love her, and do whatever you can to make her feel special, basically what you should be doing anyway
Welcome again!

[bmccartt]

Well I talked to her last night even though I probably was borderline pestering so that I could finally get her attention to have this conversation. I was right about it bothering her because even though she tried to bury it again at first it was definitely fleshed out and she said she couldn't believe I would sleep with her. She said that had she known that I had slept with someone in her circle of friends she never would have started dating me in the first place. I am pretty sure that she sees this girl on a regular basis so it is a constant reminder that I am not as good as she hoped for me to be...She said that she doesn't know how to forgive me and that she is trying. I told her I was sorry for making her look like a fool in front of her friends because she was bragging about me but one already knew i.e. the girl. I told her I was sorry for not revealing it to her when I figured it out (which was 4 days before she told me, I noticed a picture of the two of them together on facebook) and that the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. She says that she is very very hurt because she feels lied to and that she just needs time. It has taken all my willpower to not talk to her from that moment and she hasn't attempted to contact me. I know the worst thing I can do right now is try to talk to her, and the best thing is just wait for her to want to talk to me again. It is very hard for me though because it is all I can think about because I care about her so much and it is starting to interfere with my studies. Any type of advice and support would be greatly appreciated.

[lucybelle]

So did you sleep with this friend while the two of you were together? Or before? If it was before, I don't think this should be a big deal. Yes it's a little awkward, but you did nothing wrong. You even said you didn't know they were friends.

Now if you cheated on her with the friend, then I definitely think you're right in giving her space for now. Let her work things out in her head and move on. I think sending a short text or email saying "I love you" is what you should do. Just to let her know you're there for her when she's ready.

[bmccartt]

I NEVER EVER done anything while I have been going out with her, the problem isn't mainly that I previously had slept with one of her friends, it was that she feels like she was lied to imo. I have always tried to be totally honest with her and I would have told her had I known that she was a friend of hers. Most of the people I have talked to about it all say that they can't believe that she would be upset about something that happened before her but I think she has warped the situation into not necessarily the cheating aspect but the fact that I knew for a brief period of time that they were friends and I wasn't immediately upfront about it (granted the only bit of information I had was that there was a facebook picture of them together 4 days before she revealed she knew to me). She is just a very strong person and trust is HUGE with her because her parents were constantly cheating on each other. I think my problem is that somehow I have broken her trust, even though it was never my intention and in my opinion I have been nothing but an ideal boyfriend. I just want her to forgive me...

[lucybelle]

Man I really don't think you've done anything wrong. Forgive you for having relationships before her? I don't know... strange to me... I guess just wait it out, but geeze I feel like she's turned an anthill into a mountain...

[bmccartt]

I think part of my problem is that this girl is insanely beautiful and smart, she is constantly receiving attention from guys (one time in Kroger she was hit on 3 times while I was off trying to get bread). She is used to having it her way and that is usually fine because normally she is a rational and caring person but I am pretty sure she had made up a rule with herself about her friends and seeing as it was revealed to her after talking to her friends it hurt her ego. I think she is just embarrassed because she sees the friend on a daily basis. I feel like I am not helping the situation because I am at her beck and call and so she doesn't ever worry about whether her being mad at me about this would make me leave (I am too forgiving...). She is who I want to be with and this is honestly the only thing that has ever come up between us. I just don't know how I can make her change her thoughts from "I can't believe he did that" to "I don't want to lose him over this". She said last night that "I want you, I will always want you. You are the guy I dreamed about. But I have to know I'm getting the full truth always. And it scares me when I feel like you lied to me."

[lucybelle]

Man you didn't lie!!!! That's just ridiculous. It's not like she out right asked you "did you sleep with so and so?" you denied it and then later she found out through the grapevine about it. I just don't get it. She needs to realize that you're a catch too. That she needs to deserve you as well as the other way around. I would be blunt and honest about this. Say "look I understand you're upset and embarrassed but we need to move on from this. I didn't lie to you, I never have lied to you, and I never will."

Seriously, sometimes a little tough love will go a long ways...

[bmccartt]

Thank You for the responses. I am trying to make my stand its just I can't change the way she feels about it. I am a little angry that she will not just accept my apology, I feel like if she really was ready to forgive me she would try to ease my fears...

---------- Post added at 05:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:28 PM ----------

BTW my apology consisted of I am sorry that this happened and I wish that I could take it all back and not have put you through this. I did not mean to cause this and I don't want this to come between us because I know that it is sitting in the back of your mind. I think partially she is worried that this is setting a precedent for lying, which she seems to have huge trust issues.