He won't give me his address?!

[xo_Kayla]

It's still early in our relationship, but I'm kind of bumming on this.

My SO's birthday is coming up soon, and I asked him for his address. He got kind of defensive about it and asked why. I said just in case I wanted to mail him something. And he said stuff like "My parents would be weird about it" or "They're really over protective."

I just don't get it. He lives in Canada, and I live in the US, so I guess I can get how his parents would question it, but I thought maybe getting something physical from me would be worth the questioning? (I'm soon to be 20, and he's turning 19, btw)

I told him "So, are you never going to let me send you anything?" and he completely changed the subject. I don't get it. Should I be upset over this or what? I just don't know what to think about the whole situation. :|


What do you think?

[Rosebud]

Well, it really depends on how long you two have been going out since if it's only been a few months I can understand. Don't be too upset, my boyfriend was the same way about his address and it took even longer until we started texting, much less calling one another. Trust me, I absolutely, completely, 100% understand your frustration as I felt the exact same way you do and I didn't see why it was such a big deal. But bringing it up only ever lead to arguments and so much only suggestion is to just wait it out until he feels comfortable giving it to you. Does he have your address? Perhaps telling him it might put his mind a little more at ease.

[JennyRW]

How long have you been together?

[Laura_N]

I can relate to that. My SO and I have been talking for a year and a few times I have tried to ask for her address, but she won't let me have it because her ex turned into a crazy stalker. She also gets quite defending about it. I'm sorry, I don't think I have any good advices except that talk to your SO, because I have yet to figure how to convince mine that she's not going to find me behind her doorstep with an axe during (or after, if that happens) our relationship... But at least you know you're not alone.

[Zephii]

Ask him to get a PO box?

[Silvaria]

My SO also lives in Canada, and me in the U.S., and he was very much like this at first...in fact, he used to be incredibly secretive about all his personal information.

The way I handled it was that I wrote him an email that basically said, "I have a very small favor to ask...I want your address. I know, you're probably going to say no, but, I want to send you something for your birthday. It's nothing big, just a little something that you can look at and hold and know that it came from my heart. Please consider granting this small request from me...it would mean the world to me if you would allow me to do this for you."

Much to my surprise, he actually agreed, and he was very happy when he got his present.

Your SO may live with his parents, but, he's old enough to be getting mail from anyone he wants to be getting it from, so what are they going to do, kick him out of the house for getting a piece of mail from someone in the States?

However, if he does refuse, then you'll have to simply ask yourself if this is worth making a big deal over, or if you're willing to simply let it go for now.

[Joyce:)]

i'm guessing his parents know know about you?

[LilyChiba]

I've been with my SO over a year and a half and I don't have his addy. Or his cell number. But then, I haven't asked for either. No point in the latter coz we can't call. But yeah XD It is kinda weird that he isn't letting you have it, but hey, he can't complain if he doesn't get anything for his bday then.

[Sierra]

To be entirely honest, I could never be in a relationship where I didn't have my SO address or telephone number. These are major red flags to me and I would have to pay attention to them. In order to be in a relationship you have to build trust and communication. I know not everyone may be able to make calls, but still knowing a number or having an address gives you extra security that they are who they say they are. Skype and webchatting, does not.

The internet is full of people pretending to be whoever they want to be, and I understand not wanting to give you address or phone number to an online friend but to someone you're claiming to be in a relationship with? I don't get it.

I guess this is partially why I waited to meet my boyfriend before starting a relationship, although I had his address long before that I did not have his phone number until we were close to meeting that first time.

I have to say that you ladies have much more faith in your SO than I would ever put in someone I met on the internet, I guess it's a good thing.

[Haley53]

Though he was not my SO at the time, I didn't get his address until a couple years into our friendship and he didn't get mine until I wrote it in the return address bit of the envelope! Depending on how long you've been dating and on how long you've known/been in contact with one another, it's understandable. I do consider what many people do/how many people feel about the internet to be scaremongering, in ways, primarily because I think there are ways to be safe about the internet without fretting about what could happen if you let someone know even the mere country you live in (I have seriously had someone flip out on me because I asked where they lived. They finally gave me their country and go, "that's all you're getting." I was like "okay???"), but that doesn't mean that other people, namely his parents (maybe even him, too), don't take what's broadcasted on the news seriously.

Based on his response, though, I'm assuming it has less to do with his paranoia of not wanting to receive a package and more to do with the fact that he's keeping you a secret from his parents. If my SO were to keep me a secret, unless it were to remain out of a dangerous situation (such as we have not told his father and do not plan on it), I think I'd be more upset over that than if he didn't let me send him a birthday gift.

EDIT: Sierra, you're not alone. :] I see Skype and camming as more secure than using MSN, and I see being able to talk/call on the phone, both mobile and especially land line, as more secure than Skype/webcam. I find an exchange of addresses even more so, because then I'm at least certain they live exactly where they say they do. I don't think I would have flown to meet my SO if we had never spoke on cam, Skype, over the phone, etc. I would have been negotiable on the mail/address, but it so happened I had it before I went out to visit. I also found it was much easier to transition to an IRL situation than if things were primarily done online, especially since it gave us more than pictures and actual face-to-face time (Skype/cam). And having his numbers, and him having mine, made things feel a bit more secure in general, though I couldn't tell you why. The fact, too, that he was willing to trust me with his address added a genuineness to his persona. This is on top of being friends for three years, but hey, I've known people who've known someone for a year plus who was not at all who they said they were, so I understand your caution and think it's important to take precautions.

[xo_Kayla]

Well, it's only been a month, but it feels longer than that I guess! We fell for each other very fast and have been talking to each other non stop since the first day we met. I was just kind of startled and put back that he wouldn't give me his address. Neither of our parents know about each other at this point in time since it's early into the relationship. I do get where all of you are coming from, it probably is too early for him to be okay with giving his address to me. Perhaps I'll ask again around Christmas?! Thanks for the advice!

[HollzHeartsChris]

It took my SO around 2 months to pluck up the courage to ask me what my address was, and after I told him, he told me what his was. Give him some time. Let him be the one to tell you because if you keep asking him for the address then he might not like it and consider not telling you for awhile longer. Drop the occasional hints, but don't make it too obvious. 1 month is a little soon, don't fret. He'll tell you when he's ready.

[GoddessDivine]

I can understand if he doesn't want his parents to question it. He'd have to worry about trying to get to the mail first to make sure they don't see it and whatnot. And if you haven't been together for very long I could see him not wanting his parents to know quite yet. I think everything is easier about long distance relationships, if you still live at home with your parents, to tell them about your SO. So I would see if he would be open to doing that? And then if he does and his parents are fine with it, there should be no problem with you mailing something to him.

[JennyRW]

Well in only 1 month I wouldn't give you my address either...

[Sierra]

...


EDIT: Sierra, you're not alone. :] I see Skype and camming as more secure than using MSN, and I see being able to talk/call on the phone, both mobile and especially land line, as more secure than Skype/webcam. I find an exchange of addresses even more so, because then I'm at least certain they live exactly where they say they do. I don't think I would have flown to meet my SO if we had never spoke on cam, Skype, over the phone, etc. I would have been negotiable on the mail/address, but it so happened I had it before I went out to visit. I also found it was much easier to transition to an IRL situation than if things were primarily done online, especially since it gave us more than pictures and actual face-to-face time (Skype/cam). And having his numbers, and him having mine, made things feel a bit more secure in general, though I couldn't tell you why. The fact, too, that he was willing to trust me with his address added a genuineness to his persona. This is on top of being friends for three years, but hey, I've known people who've known someone for a year plus who was not at all who they said they were, so I understand your caution and think it's important to take precautions.

My boyfriend and I talked for two years online before we took our relationship any further, started flirting, and then eventually we met. It wasn't until we were in this period that we exchanged phone numbers and addresses. I had feelings for him long before that but I didn't want to scare him away and lose his friendship.

I just don't know that I could be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't give me their address, like I said, it's just a huge red flag for me. OP, will he give you his phone number?

Anyone can be whoever they chose on the internet, you do have to be careful who you choose to trust, and maybe it's just that I'm older than the OP, but this wouldn't go down easy for me and would probably be a deal breaker. If he got a PO box that would be fine, but I would still want to be sure I had his phone number.

I tell everyone, IRL and online, be careful with your heart, you're the only one who will protect it.

Well in only 1 month I wouldn't give you my address either...

I also wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I just met online a month ago. It's just too soon for me. My boyfriend and I spent all day every day talking for two years before we jumped into anything, and even then it was only after meeting in person. For me one month of talking to someone can fizzle fast, I want to make sure how I feel is real.



ETA: OP, I'm not attacking you in any way, I hope you don't take it this way, but why not ask him if you can send it to a friend?