He won't give me his address?!

[squeeker]

Yeah I think you should wait a couple more months at least before you ask again. I remember when my SO first asked me if he could have my address because he wanted to send me a Christmas card. We weren't dating at this time, we started talking in October 2009 and it was that Christmas, so it couldn't have been very long after we started talking that he asked me. We did talk a lot every day and I was still wary of giving my address because I had never gotten to that point with any other online only friendship I had, and I had it on my back of my mind to be careful online, and not to give out real life addresses. But I think we had gotten to talking on webcam at this point and I knew he didn't seem bad at all, but I had to ask my parents but then we realized since we had a PO Box there was way less scare factor so it would ease my parents worries, I was 19 at this time, my SO was 20 so I guess pretty much your situation but a couple years ago! haha... So I ended up giving him my PO box, I think he might have already given me his telephone number (though I didn't share mine right away at first and wasn't going to text or call him using the phone but it was nice to have.. especially as a backup in case we couldn't get online I guess, and so that built trust as well. I'm sorry I can't remember exact timelines on how long we'd been talking before actually exchanging addresses because it was 2 years ago, but I just wanted to share that just because he is avoiding giving you his address, doesn't mean he's hiding something, it might just mean you got to be slower and build more trust with him. If you haven't started webcamming yet, I suggest you both get a webcam and try it out! That would help build trust as well (though it took me awhile to be comfortable using webcam..) And ask again in a month or two but keep it casual, maybe just tell him how much you really wish you could get him something for his birthday but can't. But it might be too soon, if that's the case, just make him a really nice e-card or something. And wait until he feels comfortable sharing his address or getting a PO Box. There's always next birthday....

[Rosebud]

As others have said to the OP, 1 month is a little soon to be asking for his address depending on how long you've known one another beforehand. I don't think this necessarily has to be a red flag however, or that you two jumped into your relationship too soon. This situation sounds a lot like my own relationship where we really only knew one another about a month before we declared ourselves a couple without ever having met in person. Things were rocky for awhile and as I mentioned before it was also a struggle when asking him to give me his address or phone number. But we just passed our 2 year anniversary and will be meeting for a whole week in just a few days. Difficult, yes, but our relationship didn't fall to pieces from these "red flags".

[Haley53]

Whoopsies, I meant friends for two (our relationship developed similar to yours the way you describe it, I think). I think I was stuck between saying "we were friends for two years" and "we've known each other for three (well, nearly three)" and combined the two. I know you didn't point out that inconsistency but I wanted to apologise for any confusion it may have caused. x:

@OP - One month is a little early/soon. I would give him some time and as someone else mentioned, maybe drop hints closer to Christmas, but don't push him about it. Let him approach you. :]

[LeilaniJoi]

I've read this thread a couple of times now and the same question keeps coming up... how can you consider yourself in a "relationship" if you are not willing to trust the other with information that is easy to find online if they just looked? We jumped into our relationship early as well, as you can see by the dates on my signature, but I'm not sure that it wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me if I'd have asked for an address or phone number and been refused (I actually had his motorcycle tag numbers before I had an address lol from pictures.. and when I pointed this out he said "I trust you explicitly"...) If I had asked and not been given address or phone BIG RED FLAGS would have come up because I've been down that road before... and got hurt very badly over it.

Hell I had his social security number and drivers license number for a rental car before we met in person the first time. You are in a "relationship"... you should be able to trust with rudimentary information like an address. You are trusting them with your heart and emotions and plans for the future and if at that point you can't trust with something as simple as an address I see more of an infatuation or interest rather than a relationship. If you are hesitant for whatever reason to share that then I would question if the "relationship" tag was not given a bit too early to the whole thing.

Maybe it's just me... that just sounds bizarre.

[kiara_silver]

We jumped into our relationship pretty fast, but we were still cautious. Because since it was online, you can't rush certain things. I didn't give him my address right away. More part of it was because my parents didn't know. And there was no way I could get a P.O box. And I recently found out that he gave me a fake address at first! lol he moved after and gave me his real address, but the first couple of months we both were cautious. A month in the relationship is early on. Doesn't mean its not real, or that its fake, but as pre-caution i think is part of it. And then if both parents don't know thats another factor in it. I don't think theres anything wrong with waiting a bit. And I don't think it means its not a real relationship. When you date someone you dont rush to have them meet your parents, or invite them in your house on the first date always, you get to know them first. And in a LDR it takes a bit longer. And its what builds up trust and leads to a serious deep relationship. So i wouldn't be to upset if this early you haven't got his address yet. But let him know how you feel, and maybe you'll get it soon. Does he have yours?

[Sierra]

I've read this thread a couple of times now and the same question keeps coming up... how can you consider yourself in a "relationship" if you are not willing to trust the other with information that is easy to find online if they just looked? We jumped into our relationship early as well, as you can see by the dates on my signature, but I'm not sure that it wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me if I'd have asked for an address or phone number and been refused (I actually had his motorcycle tag numbers before I had an address lol from pictures.. and when I pointed this out he said "I trust you explicitly"...) If I had asked and not been given address or phone BIG RED FLAGS would have come up because I've been down that road before... and got hurt very badly over it.

Hell I had his social security number and drivers license number for a rental car before we met in person the first time. You are in a "relationship"... you should be able to trust with rudimentary information like an address. You are trusting them with your heart and emotions and plans for the future and if at that point you can't trust with something as simple as an address I see more of an infatuation or interest rather than a relationship. If you are hesitant for whatever reason to share that then I would question if the "relationship" tag was not given a bit too early to the whole thing.

Maybe it's just me... that just sounds bizarre.

No, I'm with you completely. I don't think you should be in a "relationship" with someone if you cannot trust them with your personal information. For me too, these are HUGE red flags.

Like I suggested, maybe ask if he has a friend you can send a card to, if he still says no ... I'd be REALLY suspicious of this person. The internet if FULL of people who prey off each other and you have to protect yourself. Some of us here may have been lucky, but honestly, I know people who have been burned so badly.

Again, as I said, protect yourself, protect your heart, you're the only one who will.

[Rosebud]

I do think kiara_silver makes an excellent point that not wanting to give an address could be likened to not having your SO come and meet your entire family after just two dates within a close-distance relationship. Some people are fine with this and some people like to take an extra bit of caution and will hold off on this and this does not HAVE to mean something is wrong in the relationship. Sierra, you keep saying to protect yourself and I see this whole easing into the relationship in terms of giving out personal information as just that. I know one reason my boyfriend was hesitant to give me his address is because he didn't want me to send him anything when he was living at home as his parents didn't know about me-not because he was ashamed of his relationship but because he was afraid of their reactions and if they would cut off his communication with me. We started this relationship 2 years ago, when he was 19 years old and for some (if not many) folks, at that age it is normal to still be dependent on your parents as well as working on a relationship with them that differs from the one you had as a child, and passing out your address to someone you met online after just a couple months just isn't very responsible, even if you HAVE seen and spoken with them over webcam and have very strong feelings for them. Waiting to give your address is a way of protecting yourself and I understand that now even though I was very frustrated back then. Trust is something that is built within a relationship so I don't see why people have to enter a relationship knowing 100% about their partner-for me, that's what the beginning stages of being together is all about, taking those few months to learn and bond and trust built off the tug of emotion you initially have for one another. It's perfectly fine if others form their relationships differently but stating that such behavior is indicative of someone who is lying or out to hurt you is false.

[LeilaniJoi]

I can see the caution, but I don't know.. maybe for us it was just so quick. We met and just KNEW... there was no going back on it so it was a given that personal information flowed pretty quick. I moved 4 months after meeting him online, but it felt like I'd known him for years. Yes you are building trust but again, to me if you can't trust then it's not really a relationship. Maybe I just have some differing views on it or maybe it's the age thing.. I don't know, just brings up red flags for me. You are willing to trust him with your information when something is sent, but he's not willing to trust you with an address to send it. I've just seen too many games played by people that led people on in online relationships I suppose.. I wanted all my cards on the table up front.

[ArchetypicalIdiot]

I think it depends entirely upon the relationship and the people. Speaking as someone who was VERY cautious about giving out personal information, I can see the other side. Although, to be fair, my 'SO' turned out to be a 6ft infinity red haired lunatic who stalked me for about a year before we finally became 'intimate'. I use the term 'stalk' loosely, I must point out. I loved the bugger even when I wasn't 'in love' with him as such. I thought (somewhat correctly) that the dude was insane and would pursue me and so held off giving him that kind of info until we were about five months into our initial friendship and that was only because he said he wanted to send me a birthday card. (said card turned out to be a tiger plushy with a runic necklace as a gift XD).

In our case, or rather mine, I think we built up the trust gradually. I will point out that I'd been hurt terribly by a cheating so and so in a previous relationship which evolved into long distance and so that made me very wary. I can understand the caution that comes from something like that. But at the same time, our particular relationship gradually became a partnership. I will point out here though that he confessed his romantic interest in me well before then. I have to admit, he played his hand pretty well though and kept his cool until I was ready for more. I don't know how you and your guy operate, OP, but I do place a lot of emphasis on trust. Without trust, for me, there is no relationship just a casual courtship that could become something more. You're still building your bridges by the sound of it. Take your time and don't push him. If you like this guy as much as you seem to, hold off asking anything further until you're more sure of how the land lies between you so to say. That would be my advice Good luck! x

[Sierra]

I do think kiara_silver makes an excellent point that not wanting to give an address could be likened to not having your SO come and meet your entire family after just two dates within a close-distance relationship. Some people are fine with this and some people like to take an extra bit of caution and will hold off on this and this does not HAVE to mean something is wrong in the relationship. Sierra, you keep saying to protect yourself and I see this whole easing into the relationship in terms of giving out personal information as just that. I know one reason my boyfriend was hesitant to give me his address is because he didn't want me to send him anything when he was living at home as his parents didn't know about me-not because he was ashamed of his relationship but because he was afraid of their reactions and if they would cut off his communication with me. We started this relationship 2 years ago, when he was 19 years old and for some (if not many) folks, at that age it is normal to still be dependent on your parents as well as working on a relationship with them that differs from the one you had as a child, and passing out your address to someone you met online after just a couple months just isn't very responsible, even if you HAVE seen and spoken with them over webcam and have very strong feelings for them. Waiting to give your address is a way of protecting yourself and I understand that now even though I was very frustrated back then. Trust is something that is built within a relationship so I don't see why people have to enter a relationship knowing 100% about their partner-for me, that's what the beginning stages of being together is all about, taking those few months to learn and bond and trust built off the tug of emotion you initially have for one another. It's perfectly fine if others form their relationships differently but stating that such behavior is indicative of someone who is lying or out to hurt you is false.

On some level, when I was younger, I would have been more understanding of not giving out your address, especially when parents are involved, which is why I suggested to the OP that she ask if she can send it to one of his friends instead, if he again says no, to me that is a majorly bad sign. I agree with being cautious, but why should you be cautious with someone you're in a "relationship" with?

When you meet someone IRL do you give them your phone number? Yes.
Generally speaking do they pick you up for a date? Yes.
If it someone you met online, meeting at a coffee shop is always a great way to protect yourself, but to me if you've given your relationship (just interpersonal relationship speaking) the actual "RELATIONSHIP" title, you should not be withholding information. There's a difference between, "My parents wouldn't understand, please don't send me mail" and a flat out refusal of giving an address.

There's no need to go into a relationship 100% knowing that person is for you, and yes, it takes time to build trust within a relationship. However, generally speaking, and from my experience, it's a VERY bad idea to enter into a relationship with someone who you don't trust yet. You should spend time getting to know each other and building that trust outside of the relationship.

Like I said, I understand having to live under the constraints of a parent, I've been there, done that, but she should still be able to send him mail somehow. If there is no way, I would be HIGHLY suspicious and proceed with an extreme amount of caution. We all know that the internet is full of predators and people who pretend to be someone they aren't, what is wrong with cautioning her against that?

When I was younger I actually met a large number of my friends online, even though my mother didn't want them sending me mail, the ones that I trusted, I would not feel bad about giving my address too, I would simply say, please don't send me mail here, my mother isn't ok with it. However, I did find ways to get mail from people when they wanted to say it. All I'm saying is that when you really care about someone, friendship or otherwise, on the internet and you can trust them you find a way to make it work out. If you can't trust someone why are you in a relationship with them in the first place?

(all this is generally speaking, just in response to you Rose ... making conversation)

[Mara]

I agree with being cautious, but why should you be cautious with someone you're in a "relationship" with?

When you meet someone IRL do you give them your phone number? Yes.
Generally speaking do they pick you up for a date? Yes.

First to the OP, I don't think it's any big deal he won't give you his address. Things are still early on yet and he's just being cautious. Nothing wrong with that. I'd wait until Christmas comes around and see if he asks for your address to send you something.

And Sierra, I'm responding to you because actually no, I just don't randomly give my phone number to guys in real life. I did that a few times when I was very young and ended up stalked once and harassed quite a few other times. I usually give out my email [when I'm single] or ask them straight out on a date instead; that way if they're nuts I don't have to try to get my number changed because really in real life, how am I suppose to know if this person who just approached me for my number is crazy or not?

And heck no I never let them pick me up from my house. I've dated guys for months that never knew exactly where I lived. It may come up in conversation that I live in a certain area of town or on a certain street, but I definitely don't let guys I've just met or started dating come to my home. Just not comfortable with that at all.

Also, I don't think being in relationship with someone means you need to trust them explicitly, not after a month anyway. Not trying to insult the OP, but a month really isn't enough time to know someone well enough to trust them fully with personal information especially if you met online and I'm assuming the two of you have not met in person.

[kiara_silver]

I think the word relationship is used when your exclusive as in not dating anyone else. And are investing time and feelings getting to know someone. Who you have feelings for, but I think you do have to protect yourself and be cautious at first. Sure I could have immediately gave my SO all my info about me and we would have been fine. But I was still getting to know him. I don't think you can be to careful within the first months of your relationship. And now were on our way to 3 years together still strong. I think maybe it goes more so for younger couples? Under 18.
I don't think it should raise a red flag, if its someone you never met. You hear and read story's all the time about people giving fake identity or people not being who they say they are. Doesn't mean your not in a relationship with them, and you could still trust them but you have to be cautious i think. Lol first time I gave my address was after my parents knew, and wasn't even my address was p.o box. That was also when he gave me his on the letter this was about 8 months into our relationship.

I don't see anything wrong with not giving it right away, especially when your parents don't know yet.

[Sierra]

First to the OP, I don't think it's any big deal he won't give you his address. Things are still early on yet and he's just being cautious. Nothing wrong with that. I'd wait until Christmas comes around and see if he asks for your address to send you something.

And Sierra, I'm responding to you because actually no, I just don't randomly give my phone number to guys in real life. I did that a few times when I was very young and ended up stalked once and harassed quite a few other times. I usually give out my email [when I'm single] or ask them straight out on a date instead; that way if they're nuts I don't have to try to get my number changed because really in real life, how am I suppose to know if this person who just approached me for my number is crazy or not?

And heck no I never let them pick me up from my house. I've dated guys for months that never knew exactly where I lived. It may come up in conversation that I live in a certain area of town or on a certain street, but I definitely don't let guys I've just met or started dating come to my home. Just not comfortable with that at all.

Also, I don't think being in relationship with someone means you need to trust them explicitly, not after a month anyway. Not trying to insult the OP, but a month really isn't enough time to know someone well enough to trust them fully with personal information especially if you met online and I'm assuming the two of you have not met in person.

Your behavior is far from typical. Most people would give out a phone number when expecting to go on a date, if you don't have a number how can you cancel? In real life you have no idea if someone is crazy or not, just like you don't know online either. Quite frankly, there's no way to tell if ANYONE is going to go stalker crazy on you until it's too late.

You are talking about people are you dating, would you say you're in a relationship with someone who's never been to your house? Because I certainly wouldn't. That's what I would call the getting to know you stage. NOT a relationship.

I just don't understand how anyone can claim to be in a relationship with someone without the exchange of personal information. That's a path I would never walk down, especially with someone I met online.

Different strokes, different folks. Just because this behavior would raise red flags for me, doesn't mean it does for other people. That's fine, we are all free to make our own choices.

I would also never continue dating someone that didn't allow me into their home after months of dating. This has been a major issue with my boyfriend and I, but it's been resolved. That being said, I had his address well before we ever began a relationship.

[Rosebud]

You are talking about people are you dating, would you say you're in a relationship with someone who's never been to your house? Because I certainly wouldn't. That's what I would call the getting to know you stage. NOT a relationship.

It's fine that you develop your relationships differently as other folks (hey, as you say, different strokes ), but I think it sounds like that just because you wouldn't consider this a relationship for yourself that you also don't consider others to be in a relationship either who don't do things your way. I WAS in a relationship even while I was in the getting to know stage, just as I'm still in it now even though I have yet to meet his family or visit his house.

[LilyChiba]

I'm glad mine isn't a matter of not wanting to give it, as with reading all of your posts now. To clarify for my situation, we both have each others phone numbers, though we can't use it. And he's said his address over the phone when he was ordering whilst I was on the mic. So it's not a lack of trust on our part. It's just neither of us have asked haha. It just doesn't bother us I think. I know where he lives, he knows where I live. -shrug- We just haven't officially given it to each other. I get nervous asking silly things like that, but that's just me lol. But nice to see the different opinions about the matter around.