I may get slammed for this...

[LeilaniJoi]

but I hope not In an attempt to not sidetrack another thread where the term "relationship" was being questioned, I have to ask this.

At what point do you start to call what you have with your SO a "relationship?" If trust is not given, even just a bit..is it really a relationship or is it just a healthy infatuation with each other until you see where it's going? I see so many young posters especially here talking about their relationships when they don't know so much about the other person. Is this even healthy? LDR's by nature take alot of time and attention, are people cheating themselves out of socializing on a normal scale by jumping so rapidly into an LDR.. is it now the "cool" thing to do?

I have to ask this and I'm not trying to be combative, but as a mother of a 16 year old soon to be 17, I encourage my daughter to go out and meet people, date, have boyfriends and learn to socialize outside of a computer. Yes she has friends online and if she had a serious friend online that she felt like she was falling for I would support that, but at the same time I wouldn't want her to focus all her attention on that because quite simply, being into someone that deep at that age or even a bit older doesn't give you the chance to get to know who you are and what you really want from life.

Wow, ok all that to ask again... when do you consider it a "relationship?" What defines that? If you don't know details about your SO how do you put so many hopes and dreams into a future with someone that you really don't know?

I know in my case, we met and BAM.. it was instant. We held back some personal details because at the time we were both involved with others and it wouldn't have been right, so it stayed online solely until such time as we were both free... then the information flowed freely (about a month into our "thing") at that point is when I considered us having a relationship. Before then, who knows what it was lol but had he wanted to hold back information at that point I would have been very cautious simply because too many people like to play games, "I love you" is very freely given and said now without much meaning by many. So how do you know you've crossed the line from "something" into a "relationship"? Do you feel that word is overused much like "love" is now and too freely thrown about?

Again not combatant.. just curious what others are thinking here and if it's just me being strange about it?

[snow_girl]

I think its going to be different for everyone. When I was 14 a relationship was established by the simple fact that he liked me and I liked him and he asked me to be his gf even though I was so shy we hardly talked about much. Sure by my standards now it isn't a relationship but back then it was very real.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I understand what you mean, Leilani, a lot of people think I'm a fool because of my LDR, my faith in it and because I don't go out as much as other people my age do, but I'm just not really the partying type of person. Don't get me wrong, I like going out occasionally with friends and everything, but I'm a pretty private and quiet person by nature. A lot of people say because Chris is two years younger than me that things are gonna fall apart, he's an immature person because of his age, I'm young and my faith in him is misplaced, what we have can go nowhere, blah blah blah. But what people realise is, they don't see the whole picture like I do. They don't know what it is that Chris and I share. We have complete 100% trust in one another, we're closer to each other than most kids our age will ever be in relationships even though we're LD, and he is as far from immature as I am. When I first met him, I honestly thought he was 18-19-20, something along those lines. At the time, he was 15 and I was 17. I was shocked when I found out. Chris and I clicked from the moment we met, and we just couldn't stop talking to each other. Yes, we still learn new things about each other even now, little details that we didn't know before. But that's the thing isn't is? You never stop learning, and you never stop learning about your SO. It felt like Chris and I'd known each other forever even after only a week. He touched me and made me feel like I'd never felt or been touched before. I knew then onwards that there was something about him....it wasn't long after that we started dating.

And I'm so very pleased to say, here we are today, still very much the soppy gits we were back then

[LeilaniJoi]

I agree snowbear, your perceptions of what is a relationship definitely change with time and age. That's why I'm trying to figure out if I'm off track or missing something here

Hollz - I understand completely. I had the exact same thing. Honey, I believe that is called finding your soulmate

[lucybelle]

I agree snowbear,

snowbear

Anyways, obviously relationships have different meanings. I have relationships with my family, coworkers, people I don't like, my SO, etc. I think a relationship is just two (or more) people interacting with each other. It how you decide to view the relationship and where to take it that matters most.

[Rosebud]

For me, being in a relationship is cemented by the fact that you both agree that you are in one, pretty straight forward. My boyfriend did literally ask me-So are we boyfriend and girlfriend now, and I had the opportunity to tell him no, let's get to know one another a little more first. But why? I, personally, have never been a fan of dating. It's just not a process that works well for my personality and I knew I had an instant attraction to him and wanted to spend more time with him and the idea of being exclusive was very appealing, so I said yes. It had nothing to do with being "cool" (even now my single friends who are looking for dates still subtly snub looking online as a desperate, last-minute attempt). Taking that step from being his friend to girlfriend did not mean I suddenly wanted to marry him. It just meant our relationship had taken an elevated status as we knew we were attracted to each and wanted to make that distinction as we further learned about one another and opened ourselves up. Some folks do this process with their partner when they're still just friends and that's fine, we did this process under the terms of a closed relationship and it has worked swimmingly.

And honestly, I think it's just your personality type as well. I know this is going to sound terrible but even after 2 years of being with him and loving him wholly, he still knows I have trouble trusting him. I don't believe he's going to come stalk me or hurt me or whatever, it's not that kind of trust. It's an internal trust issue linked to my own self esteem that causes me not to trust in everything he says about me. It doesn't mean I don't love him and it doesn't mean I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, and yes it does as times cause turbulence on our relationship. But that doesn't mean our relationship isn't going to work or that it isn't strong. No two people have the same type of bond as another set of two people and one way isn't more valid or right than another. We are, and have been, making it work just as others have, even if we did jump into the relationship head first.

[LilyChiba]

I think knowing a person takes time. It's not going to happen in a year or two, no matter what age you are. It takes a life time. Because as is, you are already trying to play catch up on so many years of their life (unless of course you knew them as kids). There's a reason people say they want to spend the rest of their lives getting to know their SO. Sure, the most relevant stuff pops up first. Dreams, aspirations, common interests, and the important stuff. I personally don't need to know a lot of things, but if we're both comfortable, we ask. I've heard stories from his childhood and about his ex's. He's heard the same from me. It just happens, rather than asking for it most of the time.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Hollz - I understand completely. I had the exact same thing. Honey, I believe that is called finding your soulmate

Haha Yeah, I asked one of friends at university today what she thinks. She's 34, has 2 kids and got married to the man of her dreams a long while ago. I asked her what she thought about LDRs and whether she thought it was possible that we could find our soulmates at my and Chris's age and she said "Why not? It does happen." I agree with her. I didn't used to, but I do now My parents don't agree, but that's partly because things for them didn't work out when they both got married to different people, way before they knew each other, when they were only 19. I'm only 18.

[ArchetypicalIdiot]

Having actually made the mistake of casually throwing words like 'love' and 'relationship' around during my time I can and will say that yes, I think they are just because I think there is a tendency, in an online relationship in particular, to gloss over the more casual aspects of dating. From my own point of view, I can and will own up to being very open with my thoughts, feelings, opinions and principals more so through text than I would be face to face. I think there's something very comforting in that level of intimacy because it skims past a great deal of social awkwardness. It also coaxes people out of themselves in that way so I think an online personality or person online (and yes, I do draw the line between the two in some cases...) is much more instantly accessible. Everything can seem to develop more quickly.

As for deeming something a 'relationship'...for the dude and I this was a very gradual process. He was, as I've before stated, a lunatic guy who popped up seemingly from nowhere determined to form a kind of friendship with me. I was with someone already and had no intention of betraying my then 'SO'. Through my friendship the Icelander, aside from anything romantic, I found someone who genuinely made me laugh. I found someone who readily told me anything and everything I wanted to know. Personally, I never asked anything other than his name and bits and pieces about his life. In return, whatever information he gave me, I gave him. We were friends for over a year before my then boyfriend cheated on me. What I remember about the Icelander at that time was this guy who sat there, listened to me rant and rave, told me everything was okay and made me feel normal. He made me feel as if everything was okay and he made me smile again. He became quite honestly one of the best friends I have ever or will ever have, I'm convinced of it. I guess I just got a gradual vibe from him and I suppose he must have seen something similar in me. Information was given gradually and we were never 'in a relationship' until after we'd met. I told him straight out: no bull****, no promises and no bleeding hearts. We met, we had some very adult no strings fun and then somewhat comically I fell for him. He then told me he'd wanted me for a long time...blah blah blah...blush blush blush O.o In any case I trust this guy not only with my life but my emotions. And unless something goes tragically wrong (please, God, no thanks!) even if we break up I know now that I always want the loon in my life. He's a gangly, smelly, nutso and yet fantastically gorgeous, witty, funny, random guy and I think he's pretty damn cool <<<DISNEY MOMENT!>>> This essay-like response is really what it took for us, personally, to gather that trust. It’s probably different for many other people.

[Ms.Justine]

With me and my SO I found the connection almost quite instant it took a matter of I think 3-4 dates which was about...two weeks and he asked me to be his girlfriend. However, I don't believe that once you guys say you're boyfriend and girlfriend it doesn't "cement" the fact that you are in a relationship. I think it is somewhere in between that - as well as being able to feel comfortable with letting people know about your partner, having some level of trust in your new partner, and when you've reached a level of "comfort" with them in some sense.

I'm sorry but I just don't feel that saying someone is your boyfriend/girlfriend really makes it a relationship. I mean kids in grade 4 have boyfriend's a girlfriend's but are they in relationships? No it takes a combination of a number of elements in order to make a relationship. Kind of like baking a good cake...it's not a cake just with the frosting.

[LeilaniJoi]

snow_girl... snowbear...d'oh!! *facepalm*

[Sierra]

I just rambled my butt off in the other thread about this so I'm just going to copy and paste my response here. I'm probably going to be ripped a new butthole, but I hope that people actually take the time to see where I'm coming from.

To be completely honest, I kinda don't believe you can be in a relationship during that getting to know you stage online. I believe that you can make a commitment to one another to be monogamous and not date other people until you meet, and that you can have a deep, meaningful, even loving interpersonal relationship with someone you've met online, BUT without meeting in person I don't really consider that a true romantic relationship.

I realize this is going to offend a million people, if not everyone here, but hear me out because I'm not invalidating anyone's feelings for each other, or anything like that, I see people with meaningful relationships (interpersonal) but there is no guarantee that in person, the feelings will be the same, or that anyone will even get along. And maybe I'm living on a different planet, but isn't that the eventual goal for everyone - to bring the relationship out of cyberspace and into the real world?

When I was younger, I had several online "relationships", but given my adult perspective, looking back, I realize they weren't romantic relationships at all. Sure I had feelings for the other person, but the time spent "with" them wasn't time spent with them at all. Do you see what I'm saying?

I believe that true, romantic relationships can grow out of online "relationships" easily when the people have put in significant time getting to know one another, and when they are truly a good match for each other, but yet again, this is something that can't be known until meeting in person.

I could easily say that my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for two years, but we haven't been. We've known each other for 3, had feelings each other for two, we didn't see anyone else for these two years - actually that's a lie, I went on two disasterous dates early on, but I was very committed to attempting to make a relationship between us work, as was he. We spent more than two years getting to know each other and building trust. We agreed that despite our feelings for each other, that when we met in person it might not play out. That's a reality that everyone who has not yet met their SO needs to face. We decided, together, that if things did work out we would pursue a long distance relationship.

I don't expect everyone to do things the same way as I do, I do like people to be realistic about their online loves though because I believe if you aren't you may be set up for a complete heart break. Just like I said before to the OP, if she doesn't protect her heart, who will? I'm respectful of other people's relationships on this forum despite my own feelings and offer encouraging advice all the time, which I know you've seen. Like I said before, different strokes, different folks. People on this forum are involved in "relationships" that I would never call actual relationships, but I respect the way that they feel about their situation and their commitment to their significant other.

I've not met my boyfriend's family or been to his house, but we are very much in a romantic relationship. I'm not saying you have to visit the person (as in have two visits, one to see them, one for them to see you) in order to be in a relationship, I just try to encourage people to look at things realistically.

This forum tends to be very lovey dovey, which is fine, but you know what, the internet is full of predators and we ALL do need to protect ourselves. That's the reality of the situation.

[LeilaniJoi]

As I said in the other thread, I agree 110% Sierra...on all counts.

[Sierra]

I just try to be a realist. I've never been one to get caught up in romantic notions or ideas. I've seen so many of my friends get hurt time and time again because of this. You aren't going to marry every man/woman/person you meet.

[Rosebud]

With me and my SO I found the connection almost quite instant it took a matter of I think 3-4 dates which was about...two weeks and he asked me to be his girlfriend. However, I don't believe that once you guys say you're boyfriend and girlfriend it doesn't "cement" the fact that you are in a relationship. I think it is somewhere in between that - as well as being able to feel comfortable with letting people know about your partner, having some level of trust in your new partner, and when you've reached a level of "comfort" with them in some sense.

*shrug* relationships have different levels of intimacy just as relationships aren't all the same. For me, it DID cement us as being in a relationship as we decided to be exclusive, we both knew we had strong feelings for one another, had managed to cram in a lot of time together in a short amount of time pushed only by our attractive and want to learn more about the other, etc. It's fine that others do not feel the same but don't dismiss someone else's feelings for their partner based on your own perception of what makes a relationship.