is he holding me back??

[thompsongazelle1]

this fall, i started my freshman year of college here in ohio. i love it here. it's everything i thought it would be. i go out with my new friends on the weekends, work out at the rec, and study during the weeknights. i even want to join a sorority next semester and plan on studying abroad in france my junior year (it's also required for my major to study aborad).

my boyfriend of over a year is back home in michigan. he's still at the restaurant where we met while i'm at college. i'm excited because this weekend he's coming down here to visit!! but.. that's not my point.

we text, call, yahoo im, facebook, send snail-mail, and email very frequently. we're always texting each other, which i don't mind. but he's very very concerned about me meeting other guys. i always reassure him that i'm not interested in looking for other people, but he constantly brings it up. he's always expressing concerns about our relationship, mostly pertaining to me having doubts, which i wasn't having in the first place but since he brings it up it almost makes me have doubts!! he is always saying that he's scared about our relationship and feeling insecure. he's also saying that he gets the feeling that when i tell him i love him that it's just mindless words, which is so not true.

i love him to death, but i think he's holding me back.

i spend most of my weekends in my dorm texting him, while all of my other friends are going out dancing and just doing college things. i have no interest in other guys and i would never cheat on him, and i don't drink a lot so i make sure that i don't do something stupid when i'm drunk. i want to go out and do things with my friends and eventually join a sorority, but i feel like it's going to cost me my relationship with rob, which makes this situation hard. i'm not even going to get into the study abroad thing..

is rob holding me back?? i love him, but what should i do with our relationship?? breaking up is the very very last option for me, and i really don't want to do it because he makes me the happiest girl in the world. how can i help fix this so he feels secure about me yet i can go out and have fun with my girl friends?

[snow_girl]

I think only you can answer that question. Talk to him and reassure him that if you go out with friends that you are not out to scope other guys and you are completely happy with him. You should be able to manage your relationship and go out with friends. Set certain times on the weekend to talk and leave the evenings open to go out with people. If he contiunes to have major trust insecurity issues then making you feel guilty and staying in does hold you back.

[Mara]

I think it's just a decision he has to make to trust you. If he can't trust you then eventually, no matter what you do, your relationship will be destroyed by his lack of trust. It's easier said than done, but if he never even tries to start trusting you to go out how will you ever be able to? You can't just sit at home every weekend to make him happy and secure. It's unhealthy for you both. I think the more you go out though and the more time passes the more secure he will become. Right now, everything is new and different, but I think once he's used to you going out and being away from him it will be fine.

[Ms.Justine]

Well I think that he is new to the LDR and is maybe still adjusting. Those feelings of insecurity and anxiousness are completely normal. Just talk to him and express that this is a new experience for you and you want to get the most out of it. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. It may take some getting used to but you could even help him out - when you go out maybe send him 2-3 texts just letting him know you're having a good time and what you're doing. Or when you get home if you can call him and let him know what you did. Do this until he feels secure and trusts you enough to go out without texting him or calling him.

Suggest that he goes out with his friends too, being in a LDR means that a lot of the time you are more independent. When it comes down to it a relationship should be a positive aspect in your life that makes it better not worse it should enhance your life.

Talk it out.

[Zephii]

That's the hard part about commitment - once you are responsible for another person's emotional wellbeing as well as your own sometimes you're going to miss out on shit. That's how it is. However, what you give up is supposed to be outweighed but what you gain from being in the relationship. I get the feeling you're not totally ready for this, and that is completely ok - but I can see why your SO feels insecure and I think perhaps you could do more to make him worry less.

Ms.Justine has good advice.

Maybe you can take a few photos of your day for your emails too. It only takes a few seconds but it shows him you really were doing what you said you were (don't do it for every activity every day though lol)

Tell him he's the only guy you think of - before he brings up his insecurity. Saying it response to his worries has a whole different feel than just saying it because you really feel it. And when he brings up the doubts he thinks you have, stop him and correct him. Make it very clear that if he keeps it up he'll likely convince you that a problem exists.

Remember that it's really hard to be the one left behind too. His life is the same - but suddenly there's a whole lot less you in it and that's hard. You need to be compassionant about that.

[floridaellen]

I could have written this post.
My SO and I broke up right before college due to that very reason - wanting to be independent and feeling so constrained in a relationship even though I loved him. I did that single girl thing for a while. And it sucked. I needed the man who I loved, who loved me, even if it meant sacrificing some crazy partying. We got back together and are working on our trust issues. I still go out but not every night. I wear a promise ring and just be careful. We text often but not all the time. We try to let each other be independent. So far it's working!
Just don't make a rash decision. Discuss it with your SO. The single life is less appealing than it seems. Don't give up just to do the single thing.
However, the lack of trust needs to be addressed.
If you need anything, you can message me! I know how it is being a college freshman and dealing with those issues.

[lucybelle]

Wow this sounds exactly like my life when I was a freshman in college. I believe you two should find a balance between your friends and each other. I think all the advice given already is great. I just want to add that you really shouldn't reject invites to go out just because of your SO's insecurities. That's what I did my freshman year and I totally missed out on the "freshman experience". I didn't make as many friends as other people. I went home every weekend to hang out with my (then) boyfriend. I really regret doing that. I should have put MYSELF first.

Good luck.

[thompsongazelle1]

We got back together and are working on our trust issues. I still go out but not every night. I wear a promise ring and just be careful. We text often but not all the time. We try to let each other be independent. So far it's working!

i'm wearing a promise ring too!! it has stopped some college guys in their tracks about persuing me. since i've been here i haven't had much of any guys persuing and/or flirting. the only things i've gotten is if i'm at the dance club and some drunk guy says hey then spills his beer on me. so unattractive. i always tell my SO that i'm not attracted to guys like the one i've just mentioned.

thanks for all of the advice guys!! i just wanted to let this out without telling my friends or family because things get around :P

[floridaellen]

It's mostly an issue of trust. But the promise ring does help with the stupid drunk guys!
I love to go out with my friends and play pool. My SO just has to accept that. And he does.

[Bethypoo]

I agree. This is something that you need to decide. You are young and if you need time to do your own thing then that is what you need to do. This is what we all do at one point in time in our lives and it is necessary to do it. Whether or not he should be involved is up to you.

But really think about your decisions and whether you really want to leave him or if it is just a phase. But remember, alot of LDRs stem from college distance. Its all personal on how you choose to deal with it.

[thompsongazelle1]

ok.. so last night my SO went out to a halloween party with his friends (which are all girls mind you) and he didn't get too drunk and everything went perfect last night. i spent time with my roommate. my roomie and i ordered a pizza, hung out, then went for a walk uptown and saw all of the drunk girls wearing slutty outfits. i told my SO that at he was perfectly ok with it. but tonight, i got invited to go with some girlfriends to dress up and go dancing then go to the hookah bar. i really want to go but i'm afraid how my SO will react. as you guys know, he's the jealous type. i plan on telling him my plans before i go out. if he gets mad, i'm going to be like umm ok that's unfair. it's ok for you to go out (with all girls) but it's not ok for me to go dancing with my girlfriends? i already know that he doesn't mind me going to the hookah bar. but i'm still afraid to tell him my plans..

[Semperfikindoflove]

I'm also a freshman in college and I've been through quite a few long distance relationships. I'll give you some advice that my now boyfriend gave me when we were still just best friends (situation regarding my ex):

"In any relationship, you need to have two lives. You need to have your life together and your life apart. As a college student, you need to be able to go out if you want to, party if you want to, and have your own life. He needs to be able to go out and have fun as well if he chooses to. But when you two are together it needs to be about you two. Do you remember when we were dating? We'd text every few hours during the day, we'd talk on the phone a few nights a week, weekends we'd Skype after we both had a chance to hang with our friends. It meant a few late nights but we were able to be ourselves. Never once have I not trusted you, you've always trusted me, and never once have we tried to change each other. With him, he wants you to not hang with your guy friends, not go out to parties because he's afraid you will do something stupid when you have given him no reason to not trust you. I adore you and love you because you are my best friend but he is holding you back from being yourself and doing your own thing. You have to choose if that's what you really want out of life and if you want to miss out on all the fun things in college."

That's the smartest thing he ever said to me, it made me think how unhappy I was with the fact that I was always controlled my phone. I felt like I always had to respond when my ex texted even though he would never actually respond immediately when I texted him. He always asked me where I was or what I was doing and constantly said I would find someone else. In the end it destroyed us nearly to a point where we couldn't be friends. You just need to figure out if you feel stressed having to stay in your room while your friends go out, if you feel stressed always having to be by your phone, and how you want your overall college experience to be. You shouldn't be doubting yourself if you know you are not that kind of a person. He should trust you. Good luck hun! Let me know if you need something!

[Sharon Q]

A promise ring helps, I'm still waiting for my SO to get the money to buy his, but I have mine.

Try doing little things to surprise him. That would help a lot with the issue.

It may not be a trust issue so much as a self-worth issue he seems to be questioning " Am I worthy of her, do I deserve her? She could find better than me "

Because I used to be the same way when my SO and I first started dating again and was for a little while after the move, I felt as if he could do better and tried to push him away.

I'm past that point now and things are going good but it takes reassuring on his part and a little each day wont hurt.

[floridaellen]

I don't think it's wrong to not party. All the parties I've been to in high school and college were drunk makeout fests. Not really something a person who is taken is into. I still go out with my friends, yes, I just don't party per say.

In regards to your situation, he is setting a double standard and it is completely unfair. My SO and I decided together that instead of going partying on Halloween, we'd have a virtual date. But we decided that together and are both doing it.

[Swederica]

Have there been any event previously where you've mayhaps made a mistake that ended up hurting him for one reason or another?
I know that I wasn't jealous at all until my former girlfriend danced, grinded, with another guy and then tried to hide it and I had to find out on my own. After that I had terrible problems with jealousy.
However if there hasn't been, his behavior is contradictory. He hangs out with alot of girls while at the same time you can't hang out with guys? That doesn't add up for me.
One thing that might help is if he gets to know your friends and can talk to them and see how they are. I mean some just have the "I'm young and shouldn't be held back at all so I can do all these crazy things and I'm gonna tell my friends to do the same", my former girlfriend had one of those. I mean if he knows your friends and can trust them he got additional people "keeping you in check" so to speak.
Also I would probably advice that if you get close guyfriends that your bf at least get the chance to talk to him or get to know him just a bit so he knows what to deal with.
Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you have to have the exact same friends but just so he knows who your friends are and how they behave and vice versa.

Also I'm interested in the whole sort of mandatory need here in US to go out, get drunk, get crazy in college. I mean if you're single I get it big time, but in a relationship I figure there's gotta be different ways to hang out and have fun. I mean if you go to college with the intent to live the college life of sort, why be in a relationship? No offense intended, it was meant generally speaking