She kissed someone else but I feel like she's hiding more...

[mojojojo]

I'm wondering, though, if she's rewarding it. Responding even only occasionally is going to encourage him even more than responding every single time would! Intermittent reinforcement is proven to be the strongest form of it. :P So if she's telling him to stop, stop, stop, then may say something else, about having feelings or needing time to sort it out etc etc... Well I've seen members of LFAD struggle to give their SOs space and I've seen it on another forum that I'm on. No, he's not her SO, the OP is, but if she's juggling with his feelings the way she seems to be, then space is likely to be hard for him too, and there is an element of "risk-taking" when it comes to the person you have feelings for playing hot and cold.

To the OP, I would recommend ringing her about this, or talking to her on Skype, even. I wouldn't recommend having the conversation over text, not only because texts can be left/ignored (not saying you can't hang up the phone or hang up Skype and walk away) but because text can so easily be misinterpreted. It's also difficult to write long, well thought out texts, especially in emotionally charged moments, simply because of the general 160 character rule and also because of those blasted buttons (though I realise some phones have more frustrating keypads *eyes hers* than others). I would wait until she's back at home and you can both discuss this in your own time. I'm not sure if you've waited until she's at home, or if you're texting her while she's out. She may want to keep her private matters private and if she's out with friends or if she's at school or if she's at work... She may not want to deal with it right about now.

Hey, what do you mean if she's rewarding it or not?

[Haley53]

Hey, what do you mean if she's rewarding it or not?

By "reward" I meant respond. For example, I tend to give a warning and then that is it. If I'm in an argument with a friend, say, who's completely unwilling to talk, I will get to a point where I will say "You need to stop yelling. If you don't, I will leave, and we can take some time to cool off and reconvene to talk about it later." If they don't stop yelling, then I follow through, and I leave. If your girlfriend is telling him to stop texting her, however, but then turns around and responds, that is rewarding and encouraging his behaviour. If she really wants him to stop texting her, unless he's got something seriously wrong (and most people do not), then she'll ignore his texts and e-mails. You can't play hot and cold with someone and end on the note of "you're annoying me. We need to part ways" and then respond or it will continue. It won't stop immediately, but unless she's responding, it will trickle out. And even if she's saying "stop texting, I told you," it's going to do nothing but encourage him to text her further. If she's not responding in any way, shape, or form and if she's deleted him out of everything - phone, Facebook, e-mail, etc. - then she's not rewarding the lad; if there's any form of contact, positive or negative, it's encouraging him.

[mojojojo]

By "reward" I meant respond. For example, I tend to give a warning and then that is it. If I'm in an argument with a friend, say, who's completely unwilling to talk, I will get to a point where I will say "You need to stop yelling. If you don't, I will leave, and we can take some time to cool off and reconvene to talk about it later." If they don't stop yelling, then I follow through, and I leave. If your girlfriend is telling him to stop texting her, however, but then turns around and responds, that is rewarding and encouraging his behaviour. If she really wants him to stop texting her, unless he's got something seriously wrong (and most people do not), then she'll ignore his texts and e-mails. You can't play hot and cold with someone and end on the note of "you're annoying me. We need to part ways" and then respond or it will continue. It won't stop immediately, but unless she's responding, it will trickle out. And even if she's saying "stop texting, I told you," it's going to do nothing but encourage him to text her further. If she's not responding in any way, shape, or form and if she's deleted him out of everything - phone, Facebook, e-mail, etc. - then she's not rewarding the lad; if there's any form of contact, positive or negative, it's encouraging him.

Alright I get you.

The guy has been VERY attached to her and she really has done nothing to stop it to be honest in the past couple of months. He's been telling her all his problems and we ALL know that he loves her. He's depressed and is on anti depressants and hasn't had a woman...ever and he's over 30.

She's using the excuse that she was drunk and that he was depressed. I asked her if there was any feelings and she said she felt sympathy for him and so because of that she felt on one level...

We talked about this last night but I thought nothing of it and tried to be the understanding guy. Told me he was depressed and I completely understand...but I really think I was being too soft on her.

[Haley53]

Alright I get you.

The guy has been VERY attached to her and she really has done nothing to stop it to be honest in the past couple of months. He's been telling her all his problems and we ALL know that he loves her. He's depressed and is on anti depressants and hasn't had a woman...ever and he's over 30.

She's using the excuse that she was drunk and that he was depressed. I asked her if there was any feelings and she said she felt sympathy for him and so because of that she felt on one level...

We talked about this last night but I thought nothing of it and tried to be the understanding guy. Told me he was depressed and I completely understand...but I really think I was being too soft on her.

If he's depressed and he's on antidepressants for it and he's not seeing a therapist - medication is most effective when a) there's a placebo effect involved as well, i.e. someone who believes the medication is going to work (there are a lot of antidepressants who will not work for people who do not believe that they do) and b) it's cohabitating with regular therapy - then it's likely he's going to form something of an attachment/dependency on her simply for listening. From experience and from my studies, I can say that it's a very good thing to have emotional supports (friends, relatives, a SO, etc.) but it's also a very good thing to have somewhere you can go on a weekly basis to unload, somewhere that's a safe, private place which is where you can say whatever, do whatever, etc. Therapy is where you go where you don't have to set the boundaries because the therapist will set them for you. People aren't always great at setting boundaries themselves, and that is what he (and most people, really) will begin to take advantage of if your girlfriend is not careful.

People will take for as long as you're willing to give. I think it's similar and true for all of us at many points in our lives. It's easy, for example, to go on about something that intensely upset us, regardless of the other person's reaction, for as long as they openly invite us to talk. It's easy, for example, to be lenient with your girlfriend because she's your girlfriend and because of the circumstances and it's easy for her to take advantage of (using this term loosely, because I'm not going to say it's a conscious act on her part) that leniency, and in turn, she'll exercise that same leniency, which he will also take advantage of (again, not necessarily consciously), etc.

Being frank, I don't think there's any issue of being friends with him, but there is going to be an issue if she can't have a hundred percent self-control. I understand the affection you feel towards the victim in most situations. When it's a genuine depression, it can almost make someone you loathe become something precious. It's very typical of anyone with a heart. The problem is that having such a heart can make you vulnerable to developing a rescue complex, which can sometimes inaccurately and unacceptably prioritise the "victim." And there need to be boundaries in place. For example, it's fine if she's there for him when he needs her, but it's not fine if he's calling her and waking her at 1am to rant every night and she's tired for school/work the next day. It's fine for him to turn the attention onto him/his problems sometimes, but it's not okay for him to be doing it every night that they're out. It's fine for him to have feelings for her, but it's not fine if he's constantly expressing them or initiating things like he did with the kiss.

Personally, I'd say the same is true for you. I think it's fine she remains friends with him if she can keep her complex balanced with self-control, but it's not fine if she starts letting the desire to be needed cloud not only her better judgment but her emotional judgment.

[Bethypoo]

Defiantly call her. It isnt something to talk about over text especially since it is something so important to both you and the future of your relationship.

As for sleeping in a bed with someone who I knew had feeling for me. NO. The no only time I would do that is if I had feelings for him back and was encouraging something to happen whether it be that night in bed or in the future. Its an invitation. He would have been fine on the floor.

[Sharon Q]

Being drunk is NOT an excuse. I had a friend get drunk and cheat on her husband and she used the " I was drunk " excuse and she didn't even drink that much. She let the guy tell her he loved her and they cuddled ( when she was sober mind you )

So no " I was drunk " not a good excuse by any means.


You two need to have a serious talk

[mojojojo]

She say's there was a little gathering, she was drunk and on the bed and she told him to sleep on the floor. He couldn't settle so he went over and tried to kiss her to which she said she loved me then he went out the room and slept on the sofa.

Ok, it wasn't just a kiss, it was a snog and I already asked her this when she first told me. She told me she was drunk and was about to fall asleep then he made a move on her. She was shocked and did nothing.

If she loved me enough she would have pushed him off. Being shocked isn't an excuse...

[Minerva]

OK, being drunk is not an excuse to cheat, I agree with everyone on that. But if things went down the way you described, if you trust she's telling the truth... eh. It's a grey area. The way she tells it, she was not the initiator, she was drunk and about to fall asleep, and he caught her by surprise. Alcohol is a depressent and it can slow reaction time. I'm not saying it's ok that she kissed him, but under the circumstances she describes, it might not have been possible for her to react more quickly than she did. If her brain was pickled, she's not going to have the same reflexes as when she's sober. Her brain could have gone, "oh this guy again. Oh he's kissing me. Huh, feels kinda good. WAIT! What am I doing? I love my boyfriend! I have to make this stop!"

I understand this was hurtful, and reading your other replies, it seems like there are some real trust issues going on. If it was just this one thing, I'd be upset but try to forgive her. But even setting aside what happened here, your relationship seems to have some deep issues that you need to fix.

Good luck.

[mojojojo]

She slept with him...

[kteire]

Ugh, I'm so sorry You deserve better than that. I guess you need to decide if you can ever trust her again after that, and if you can get past it. My SO would never hear from me again if he did the same. There's no excuse for that.

[mojojojo]

I love her but I don't know if I can ever trust her fully again..

[Minerva]

So she lied about what happened, what happened was she actually slept with this guy, and tried to blame it on being drunk?

Sorry, don't know how you can ever trust her again.

I'm really sorry. No one deserves to be treated the way you have.

[Mara]

I'm so sorry. She's added insult to injury by lying to you. I don't know how you could ever trust her again after this either. I've been cheated on in the past and it is very hard to come back from even when the other person is honest from the beginning.

[CanadianGirl]

You deserve better. I'm not sure what you'll make of this situation, but I'd personally move on and never look back.

[Bethypoo]

Yea, you defiantly deserve better. There is no excuse for sleeping with someone else when you are in a committed relationship. You deserve better and at that point and in my opinion there is no truest after that so even trying to fix it isnt worth it.