She kissed someone else but I feel like she's hiding more...

[mojojojo]

It wasn't that time.

That night she was drunk and he made a move on her. She did nothing.

Another time. She had no where to stay and he was staying in a hostel in a private room. He invited her. She was very upset, started crying, they hugged, he wiped the tears from her face, he reassured her. She then fell asleep. She woke up in the middle of the night to him kissing on her cheek. She turned around and kissing him back and then they slept together. She needed comfort during that time and he provided that for her.

[mojojojo]

I got very angry at her and said a lot of things I shouldn't have said. I have put her in MUCH more pain and she now completely and utterly hates herself. I have completely forgiven her, I have told her that I love her and she said she LOVES me as well but she doesn't want to be with me or anyone because she doesn't want to hurt anyone ever again. She thinks no one deserves her and and she is complete scum. She has closen herself off completely and she is telling me to go on with my life.

I don't know what to do. I love her still and I am willing to work this through. She LOVES me as well but doesn't want to be with anyone. I can't stand seeing her in so much pain. Pain that I have contributed greatly.

She LOVES me and it is very clear. Even in that email which I snooped around in it was VERY CLEAR that she loves me. I asked one of her friends over there on facebook chat, she loves me no matter what she is being. She is completely killing herself in the mind because she has betrayed me and my trust. I have forgiven her but she doesn't care because she doesn't want anyone.

I don't know what to do. She was talking about suicidal thoughts. I am VERY worried about her.

I love her and I am willing to wait forever til she wakes up. Her heart will ALWAYS be with me.

[Malaga]

Just consider this: is she upset because she cheated or because she got caught?
If she were so ridden with guilt, why didn't she come out clean with you? Instead of mailing her 'friend' about how she loves you very much yet somehow she is 'confused and conflicted' and needs to 'make a decision about you'.

[Minerva]

She lies to you and cheats on you, and somehow she has you blaming yourself? Look, it's your choice to forgive her, and if you do, you're a better person than I, but she's the one who cheated and lied, despite how much she says loves you. She's co-opted your hurt for her own, acting out all her grief and guilt -- and you should be the one feeling hurt. I don't know her, but seems to me acting so upset is a great way to manipulate a man who loves her into forgiving her and making him feel terrible for being upset in the first place.

Look, it's your life, and if you want a manipulative, lying cheater in your life, best of luck to you. But even if you forgive her, how on earth will you ever trust her again? How can you have any relationship -- let alone an LDR which requires even more -- without trust?

I know you don't want to hear this, but this thing seems doomed and you're just too in love to see it. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am because you seem like a good guy.

[mojojojo]

She has not lied AT ALL.

She is currently in Canada going through A LOT OF stuff. She is over there until December and is trying whatever she can to extend her visa. She has went around back and forth gathering evidence against our landlord because she stole our deposit. But the landlord has been playing a billion mind games with her and it wasn't til she found out that she was a con artist with the police that she stopped playing games. This is on top of everything else. She has been trying to find jobs, visas etc. And in the midst of all this she has lost her wallet which contained her passport, SIN number and work permit. I was giving her a lot of shit during this time as well because she was taking it out all on me and I took it personally. This was VERY stressful and she broke down in tears with that guy and needed comfort.

When that guy made a move on her the first time, she felt nothing. He pulled back to which she said she loved me and he was embarrassed and disappointed.

Now recently, her parents have turned against her for some reason and are not letting her back into their house in Calgary. She is in Banff. Her plan was to quit the job Saturday because they could not sponsor her to stay in Canada. But her mother thinks she is not doing all she can to stay in Canada after all the effort her mother has put in getting her over there the first place. Her plan was to move back to Calgary and wait for her passport and permit there. But now she has no money for a home and no job. She has no SIN number or work permit to get a job.

---------- Post added at 03:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:26 PM ----------

I should be the one feeling hurt. I was DEEPLY hurt and VERY angry and I expressed that to her completely.

[mojojojo]

She needed to come to a decision about me because she was shocked at herself at what happened and didn't know what to feel or do about it. She didn't think she should be in a relationship because she allowed that to happen. It left her confused and conflicted about everything.

[Minerva]

I'm at the point in which I don't understand what happened. You say one thing, and then you explain it further and it makes less sense (she kissed a guy and lied, no, she slept with him, no she didn't lie about it, no she didn't cheat). I honestly don't get what actually happened, if she actually cheated and now you've forgiven her and reclassified it as not cheating because of her tough circumstances... I mean, I don't know.

This whole situation seems really convoluted and hard to understand, and further explaining doesn't really help. All that matters is what's between the two of you. If you're ok with what happened, then you are. Trying to convince strangers on the internet that we should agree with you is another matter.

I hope this all works out for you. It doesn't seem like any of this easy. Truly, best of luck.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with Minerva. I think you're too in love to see the whole picture.
People cheat for many many reasons, and I think before you make a decision on what you do next, you need to disentangle yourself from her life, and think, in terms of your own life, whether you're ready to take on her pain as well as your own. Because all this baggage that she's telling you about... it sounds like she'll need a lot of emotional support from you. What if it gets too much again, and she needs some more comfort?
Dude, regardless of all the horrible things that have happened for her, she still did the wrong thing.

[Sierra]

I agree with Minerva too. I think you're buying into her excuses. If you buy into these there will be more in the future.

There are plenty of times when I need comfort too and my boyfriend isn't here, but you know what? I don't go to another man and sleep in the same bed with him, and kiss him. Sorry. Her circumstances and stresses are no more difficult than many of the ones facing most of us.

It's ok to love her and move on, but fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Best of luck!

[Minerva]

Just like alcohol is no excuse for cheating, neither is emotional turmoil. I get how it can happen, but it's still no excuse. I also understand how someone can be so in love that they ignore red flags and manipulation and abuse from the one they love.

OP, you've asked for advice in this situation, so I'm going to be brutally honest and hope you don't take it the wrong way: this is not a healthy relationship and it never will be. This girl cheats when stressed out and lonely. That's not what most people do. You may forgive her, but you're never going to forget this happened. Be a friend to her if you have to keep her in your life, but get out of the relationship. She doesn't love you as much as she loves comfort from men not you. And you not being there for her isn't your fault. Stop trying to save her and making excuses for how she's behaved and look for a woman who will appreciate a devoted, loving man.

[Haru]

I've tried to read through all of this but I've picked up the following things:

Being drunk is no excuse to kiss someone else. Otherwise, I think it would be considered a form of rape if she didn't really want it. And did I pick up they did it too? Again, could be rape if she didn't really want it. Hell, it *would* be rape.
Was she lonely? That's no excuse either. For a month I had bad depression because of the 4,000 mile distance between my SO and I. But I didn't go out with another man because of it. Because I am *loyal* to my SO. I would die for him if I had to. If she wasn't willing to hold on until you two were together then maybe she doesn't love you as much as you thought and hoped.

You make think you're the better person but you have betrayed her trust as much as she has betrayed yours by reading her e-mail. I have the password to my SO's MSN but I haven't looked at his e-mail to see who he's talking to; because I trust him enough to not be cheating on me.

Forgive her, but get out of the relationship before it damages you.