Help. please

[Miriam]

Hi guys.

I've been in a LDR for 4 months now. I'm from Germany, he is from Hong Kong. Things between me and my SO couldn't be any better. We talk frequently, support each other in our every day lives.
And best thing is, he will come to Germany in 2 weeks. (for one week) But there is something burden my mind. Our relationship is inofficial. At least to my friends. My mum does know and so does everyone he is close to. Here comes the reason why I kept it secret so far... It's one of the long stories, I would gladly appreciate if you can spare some time to read.

This is how it all started
June 2011: I had a bf (CD) for more than 3 years. I was not sure whether I still love him and I told him. We didn't break up immediately but agreed with "Let's see what time will bring". In July, I went to UK for exchange program. In that program, I met my SO. We fell in love deeply and I did cheat on my ex. I had to leave UK earlier than my SO. When we said goodbye we found out what we feel for each other is worth try having a LDR.
Back to Germany, I talked to my ex again. I told him I don't love him anymore but didn't mention that guy from Hong Kong. I didn't feel like it's necessary but would only hurt him more. And it was truth that I didn't love him and also the reason why I wanted to break up with him, already before the trip to UK. Anyway, we didnt officially break up. To show him respect, I let my ex decide when to tell our friends.
In these days, my SO was still in UK for couple more weeks. He came to Germany to see me again for two days. I didnt tell anybody but my mum about spending time with him. I even lied to my friends about what I was doing.
After short time sepeartion of my ex and me became official. But still nobody knew about my SO and everybody thought the reason for breaking up is not loving my ex anymore (which is actually not a lie)

So how can I make my LDR official now? I'm not brave. I'm not a good talker.
To me, it's unimaginable to tell my friends: Hi girls, some months ago I fell in love with a stranger from Hong Kong. I did cheat on my exbf and lie to you, and now I'm having a LDR. He will come in 2 weeks, wanna get to know him?

I feel like I'm a hopeless situation. I know I should have been honest from the start. But now it's too late, I cannot change the past. Any advice? Please. I've been suffering from it quite long time now.

[snow_girl]

Why do you have to make it official to your friends? It is YOUR relationship not theirs, you don't owe them any explanation. You are also not obligated to tell them everything. Just tell them you met him later then you actually did. They don't need to know you cheated on your ex and met him while you and your ex were together.

[NineInchNails_x]

That's what I was thinking too. You only live once. Do what makes YOU happy, what feels right to YOU. If someone else doesn't like it, its their problem. This is your life and you should be your top priority sometimes (:

[HollzHeartsChris]

Don't live your life for other people. Every second should be enjoyed to the maximum. You don't need to tell them you're official, just enjoy yourself and do what you're most happy with.

[Miriam]

First of all thanks for your replies. You are right. I've always been the type who worry too much about others. Thanks for making me realize I exagerate in my worries. Do you have advice for me how to deal with the situation when my SO is here? I am supposed to tell my friends lies about what I am doing. Do you think I should be OK with tellig lies to avoid trouble and enjoy the time most as possible?

[Bethypoo]

I agree... why does it have to be official. If you tell them about it and they ask for the details just tell them how it happened. If they make fun or have issues with it then that is their problem not yours.

Enjoy your time with him. And like I said, if people ask, and the two of you are on the same page out your relationship, then just tell them the truth. How they handle it is their business and now something you should worry about.

[Miriam]

Wow. It's my first time to discuss a problem in this community and I have to say I really love your support. It's a great help to talk to you. I should have tried more early

[HollzHeartsChris]

Haha, well we don't bite so don't be afraid to start a thread and ask us a question if you have any problem, we're all in pretty much the same boat and we can offer you all sorts of help if you just ask so yeah.

[Miriam]

Yeah I will definitely do so Thanks a lot

[Zephii]

You need to stop lying seriously. Every new lie is going to get you deeper in the shit. Don't lie, especially while he's there, he doesn't need to start thinking you're ashamed of him. Tell them you met him, and now you're both interested in it being a serious long term relationship.
It's not their business. You do not need to prove anything to them. If they say "why didn't you tell us sooner" tell them you had to sort out your own feelings first, if they push you tell them you wanted to deal with it privately and ask them to drop it.

But yes, stop lying!! You don't have to make excuses. Just be yourself, and if you fuck up, admit it, apologise and move on - otherwise sooner or later you're going to make a name for yourself as a lier, and no one will trust you or have anything to do with you.

Bright blessings!

[Haley53]

I feel that it depends on your relationships with them.

If you're more acquaintences than anything, then my feeling is it's not any of their business. If you're close to or good friends with them, then no, I don't think you should lie all over again about who you're out with and where you've been. This doesn't mean, however, that I think you should go spilling out every personal detail; again, it's not their business as that business belongs to you and your SO.

I do occasionally manipulate truth. For example, I have someone who toggles between an acquaintence and a friend in my life; she tends to have a "say it like it is" attitude, but is the sort who does not believe that "saying it like it is" can't also be diplomatic and who uses it as an excuse to be critical, judgmental, and occasionally to kick you when you're already down. Because of this, I don't tell her everything. I sometimes leave some things out, or I present it to her in a different way. Am I going to sit here and defend this as ethical? No, but I don't think it's unethical either. Perhaps this is something you could consider when it comes to your friends. What would be wrong with telling them you've met someone and you have feelings for each other and he's coming out? If they ask how, say you met him on your trip and have been talking ever since. You don't have to go into detail about how you cheated on your ex-boyfriend with your partner, and you don't even have to claim that it's official yet. You could, or you could tell them you're both together "now" after he leaves when they ask how it all went.

[Haley53]

You need to stop lying seriously. Every new lie is going to get you deeper in the shit. Don't lie, especially while he's there, he doesn't need to start thinking you're ashamed of him. Tell them you met him, and now you're both interested in it being a serious long term relationship.
It's not their business. You do not need to prove anything to them. If they say "why didn't you tell us sooner" tell them you had to sort out your own feelings first, if they push you tell them you wanted to deal with it privately and ask them to drop it.

But yes, stop lying!! You don't have to make excuses. Just be yourself, and if you fuck up, admit it, apologise and move on - otherwise sooner or later you're going to make a name for yourself as a lier, and no one will trust you or have anything to do with you.

Bright blessings!

Also, this.

My ex never wanted to introduce me around, to his family, to his friends (though there was one I refused to meet for reasons I will not go into, but I sure as hell should have seen that one as a red flag and didn't), etc. He was almost ready to skip his father's birthday because I would be there during it! Our relationship wasn't a complete secret by that point, but to many, it was. It had nothing to do with me, but it didn't feel like it.

With my SO, in his last relationship, he'd been "trained," more or less, to pull away when s/he ran into people s/he knew with a girl who wanted to keep him on the DL. There were a couple times we ran into people, and he pulled his hand out of mine or his grip loosened. It was incredibly painful because I felt like he was ashamed of me. He felt horrible, told me he hadn't even realised, explained why he'd been doing out (past conditioning), and made an effort to stop, and he did want to show me around to all his friends and family, but logic doesn't win out sometimes. :/ So I agree with Zephii on this point especially.

[Miriam]

Yeah you two have a point there. Of course I dun like lies. If I didnt have problem with telling lies, I wouldnt have call my situation a hopeless one or ask for advice but just kept on hiding. So I think I will tell my closest friends, the ones who I trust the most. But I will also consider how can I cause less trouble. which is to say not tell every detail. And just like you Eclaire, I have a friend who has a very special attitude. When telling her, I will especially take care what I tell.

To my bf, he pretends not to have a problem with keeping it secret. And actually it didn't influence or relationship so far... Anyway, I better change sth, before it does and I make him suffer like you did!

[Miriam]

Thanks a lot Eclaire!!!

[Mara]

Honesty is best, but only with those closest to you. I would never include someone in my confidence that I did not trust to keep it. If those closest to you truly care for you they will not judge you for your decisions or be angry with you for not telling the truth. We all fib sometimes and I'd just come out and tell them that you didn't want to tell everything at the time that it was happening, but you'd like to be honest now. *hugs*