body image issues

[Minerva]

Over the last 3 years, I have gained about 40 pounds due to medication. I've been off the medication for a long time now, so it's not an excuse to still be overweight. But no matter what I do, I can't motivate myself to workout and eat well for longer than a couple of days at a time. I've tried everything.

But NOT being able to lose the weight isn't my issue. The issue I have is that I'm not used to being this heavy, and I hate how I look. I feel very ugly. I feel lazy. My SO says he loves my body, and when we were together, I could tell he really enjoyed it. But I can't keep that in my head. When we skype, I find myself angling the camera to more flattering angles, and not being able to accept his compliments. Today he said he loves my breasts, and while I think they have a nice shape, I know that they're very soft and not firm at all, and if I ever lose weight, they'll lose their shape.

And not only am I overweight, but I've had a child and my stomach and breasts took a beating from that. Even if I lose weight, I'll still have all that excess ugly stretched skin on my belly and my breasts will be soft and droopy.

If anyone was talking to me about this, I'd tell them their SO obviously loves them and their body, and they need to learn to love themselves. And I do know my SO likes how I look. I just hate how I look, and think about when I was younger and my body was better and I wish he could have seen me then. He's not getting the best of me, and I'm not happy with that.

Anyone have any ideas how to overcome this? I am trying to workout more and eat right, but my motivation is that I hate my body, which isn't working. I want to get in better shape, but more than that, I want to be able to accept my body as is.

[kiara_silver]

This one is a hard one for me. I also can tell others to love themselves and that there SO's love them and they don't need to worry about it. Which is true. But for myself I struggle with this. For me I had lost nearly 50 pounds, so im always self concious now, because i lost it fast and so i have stretch marks and insecurities. And I obsess at times. But truth is, you won't be happy with yourslef no matter what weight you are unless you love yourself. Keep reminding yourself that your SO loves your body. Thats helped me a ton, because before we met I was so scared of what he would think when he saw me, and I hated my body, but after him showing he really does think im beautiful, its helped me not to stress so much. As far as loosing the weight, for me it helped to have weekly weigh ins. I did this with a group and lost 15 pounds in less than 3 months. Just the fact that I knew I would be getting weighed in at the end of the week helped. It gets easier with time, the first week or two is always the hardest, but once you get the ball rolling its easier to lose it. I think this issue is common with most woman. Its hard to love our bodies, and can always find the flaws. But focus on the positives, have fun dressing up and find clothes that flatter your figure, i always feel good when im wearing something that compliments my shape. Start slowly, with cutting out sweets and soda only, and drink more water. Then add a little excersise here and there, till you can handle more. Sorry all this is jumbled up and im rambling but hope i offered a little help.

[Ms.Justine]

Damn girl - I hear this everyday. (I work in a lingerie and bathing suit store) So not only am I turned off from having kids, but it's also given me some confidence as well. Because I am able to see a lot of different body shapes and the sizes they come in and more often than not they're not super models. So feel good about that.

In Canadian sizes I am roughly a plus size girl. Whereas, in American sizes I'm 'average' size. But I do feel uncomfortable about my weight as well - not to mention my breast they are 36 FF Canadian sizing and 36 DDD American sizing. I mean my SO absolutely loves them - but I still get self conscious and frustrated when trying to clothes shop. Luckily since I graduated three years ago I've been able to lose about 30 pounds. I basically think I did it this way:

- If you find it difficult to go to the gym - have a buddy this helped me a lot.
- Watch what you eat - you don't need to go on a diet just be conscious of the types of food you are eating and it's all about PORTION SIZES. If you have a junk food or a comfort food eat it - just in smaller portion sizes.
- If you consistently watch what you are eating and have smaller portion sizes and combined with working out even a couple crunches, sit ups, push ups, light weights at home your body will tighten up as your muscles are expanding and becoming stronger and more used. (Thus, preventing sagging and loose skin - build that muscle)

Finally, be thankful you have a man who appreciates you and loves you for your body! I find myself in the same position as you but at the end of the day I think you know what - I've got someone who loves me for me. If he/she can see the beauty in yourself...maybe try looking at yourself through his eyes.

[rsvpnj]

Very good advice Ms.Justine!

[Zephii]

Well first I want to say something about that softness - softness is beautiful and inherantly feminine. Women are soft and warm, nurturing, loving accepting... squishy both inside and outside. Whereas men (yes, excuse my sweeping generalisations, I'm drawing on my religion for this and religion is all about generalisations!!) are harder. Their muscles underneath their skin firm up and stay firm so much easier than ours - and they are supposed to carry 25% less fat than women. Men are hard, strong, protective "the rock" inside, even when the outside starts to fall apart a bit.

As a straight woman, you're likely attracted to that rock-likeness on some level. That manly strength. That comforting knowledge that no matter what happens this person's going to be strong and able...
You're not likely attracted to that softness that's feminine. And because you're not attracted to it it's hard to truly believe that anyone else is. That warmth and softness is their ideal.

That softness is comforting and beautiful - womanly. Don't be embarrased by it! I'm quite thin, but my SO still grabs me and rubs his face into my squishy bits and tells me "I love how soft you are". So, I can only assume that softness is something to be proud of!

As for the marks of being a mother? That's nothing to hide either. There's one thing that can be said for perfection.. well two things! Most of the time it's fake, and it's boring. I know I love my SOs flaws, and I assume I'm not the only one. I wouldn't make him perfect because he's more interesting how he is. Perhaps your SO feels the same.

That aside, have you looked into ways to dress for your shape? Sometimes looking into a different style makes all the difference.

The best motivation is that feeling of healthiness that comes from leading a better lifestyle, but unfortunatly you can't get to that in a short period of time. They say it takes 21 days to force yourself to form a habit. But damn it's hard to be good for that long!
I'm not motivated, so when I'm trying to control my eating I don't let there be junk food in the house (or if there is, Obi's got it hidden on a high shelf that I can't reach!) and I don't go shopping when I'm hungry/ will give my bank cards to someone else if I think I'm going to be bad and go buy junk food. Generally, I find not having a choice to eat well the only way to get past that first 21 days. After then my body adjusts and I don't crave bad food any more - I want the fruit and veggies and I'm in the clear.

[Bethypoo]

I think that realizing that he is with you for more than what you look like is a first step. I mean he knew what you looked like before and that didn't stop him. So keep that in mind. Second, don't beat your self up, stress does nothing for weightless especially in women. Third, if you do find it hard to go to the gym then take a friend who understands your situation. If you go with someone who is motivated, but not judgmental and that you are comfortable with, then you will be more inclined to go.

Most of all, remember than most women are not the ideal size they want to be or that society tells them they should be. Whether it is weight or a particular feature we all have insecurities. And men do to as i often forget. I dont take compliments well, at all. But sometimes i get defensive about them aswell. But it is a matter of being able to complement yourself. Look at your best features and realize that there is no one out there exactly the same (even if you are a twin). Do something that makes you feel the best. Because he already loves the way you look even if you dont. But when you feel good and you feel you are beautiful, then it is even harder for him to think otherwise. And remember, men dont think like we do. They dont see flaws until we show them by being insecure. So enjoy that he love the way you are and be sure he will love the new you that you want to be.

[Ms.Justine]

Very good advice Ms.Justine!

Thanks dear, I try! c:

Edit: Thanks for being so pretty lol I swear I am straight.

[LeilaniJoi]

Strange, I just had this discussion with my SO the other night. I am 17 years older than him and have had 3 kids. I have lots of soft bits O.o He's 26 and yes, oh boy does it bring up insecurities with me body image wise... but he loves me for me first and foremost. Part of my signature is something he posted to me after we had the "why are you with me" discussion. I try each day to remember his eyes are the only mirror I need and as long as he's happy with me, then I'm happy with me.

I kind of feel like this is a song lyric but can't find it lol oh well, I wanted to cry when I saw it
You look in the mirror, you don't like what you see, don't believe it.
Look in my eyes, I am the only mirror you're ever gonna need.

[Malaga]

Everyone gave good advice.
+ 1 what Zephii said. I would just like to add another problem with perfection - it's a hell of a burden. For both people in the relationship - for you to maintain it and for him and his self-confidence. Because being with someone who you might think is out of your league in any department, looks being the most obvious one, can easily be a lot of stress. It makes you worry about your own appearance, whether you're good enough for them, what the people might think, all sorts of things.

This is one of the reasons why very beautiful women are often alone and/or unlucky in love. It takes a vvvvvery self assured person to be with someone who is so good looking and not feel that pressure or threat. And this is why he likes your flaws and imperfections. Not only they're charming and have character, but they also make him feel feel better about his own flaws. The more "normal" you are, the more relaxed he can be, and more confident to be himself and be accepted.

[lucybelle]

I think the above advice is all fantastic. I just want to reiterate "dress your body". Never be ashamed of your body, but dress to compliment it. A 120lb girl, a 150lb girl, and a 200lb girl all have different styles that make them look great. I am a big fan of What Not to Wear, and they make those ladies look FABULOUS. I really think it is about finding well made clothes that compliment your body shape. None of us are millionaires, but you'll just look nicer in clothes that aren't from Target. Maybe invest in one or two really nice outfits that make you feel sexy. You can build a wardrobe from there.

[Minerva]

I'm at work right now so I can only skim, but later tonight I'll come back and read these more thoroughly. Thanks for taking the time everyone. I really appreciate it.

[Haley53]

I feel I have a little bit of a different opinion.

I love the quote Leilani Joi shared - it's very touching - and I agree with others on that your SO loves you for you and for everything you are and you should do best to remember it, but I disagree with that "my SO loves my body" should be used as affirmation. Why? Because it's easy to then become dependent on your SO to believe that it's true.

Around 16 years of age, I was diagnosed with EDNOS, and I struggled with this eating disorder through the better part of my freshman year at university. Although I am in recovery, and have neither binged nor purged nor restricted (much) for a while, I still battle heavily with my body and my issues with its image. I feel that it's for this reason that I became so heavily reliant on my ex-boyfriend. I relied so much on his praise and attraction to me (anything from arousal to a flirtacious comment) that when our relationship ended, or during times of great separation, I immediately felt unattractive. Without his reassurance and without the reassurance I could feel, see, and witness in person, I felt ugly all over again. And it's strange to me, too, because I'm under the impression that flaws are the most beautiful thing, yet it's almost impossible for me to apply that principle to me, which is why I realised that I needed to change, so I turned to exercise.

The thing about it was, though, that I wasn't motivated. For one, due to circumstances beyond my control, a healthy diet is impossible to sustain at this point in time (for me), and for another, my motivation was the same as yours: I wanted to lose weight and stop feeling so ugly because I hated my body. The problem with this was that I had such a negative outlook that I only ended up exacerbating my situation. Putting a constant focus on losing weight only made me stress over what and when I was not losing. Being so focused and concentrated on my hatred of my body only ended up making what I hated that much more obvious, and I started nitpicking and finding what even exercise wouldn't/couldn't help. What I needed, and what I would assume you need as well, was a reframe.

For example, instead of looking at exercise as a reason to lose weight and shape up, look instead at it as something to help you feel better. Make a pact, maybe with your SO; have someone hold you accountable, or enlist an exercise partner. It doesn't have to be forever - it could even be for a week - but for the time that you agree to, make sure you're willing to work at it. I started out jog-walking (jogging, then walking, then jogging, then walking, etc.) and the progress that I made in a week, doing that alone, was incredible! It's also amazing how much it positively effected my sleeping and eating as well. Exercise does tend to be a way of making sure everything else falls into place, but you have to be willing to stick to it. Like with anything, forming a habit that requires effort (like exercise often does, haha) can be difficult, but it's worth it once you do. You simply have to look at it in a way that will encourage you to continue.

Right now, don't focus on losing weight, shaping up, toning up, etc. Don't focus on the benefits they promise on magazine covers. Focus on doing this for you, on exercising to create a healthier lifestyle for yourself. Treat your body, because you deserve it.

[rsvpnj]

LO...you're funny!

Thanks dear, I try! c:

Edit: Thanks for being so pretty lol I swear I am straight.

[Haru]

Eclaire, I know your post wasn't directed at me, but at the OP; but I have to thank you very much for it. I deal with body issues as well, so much so that when I take pictures for my SO I break down crying because of how big I look and feel. I'll take your advice to heart. Thank you!
Can we have thank you buttons on these forums please? T-T

[Minerva]

I just want to thank everyone. You've all given me things to think about, and today I feel a bit better.

Even when I was thin, I was curvy -- I'm a classic hourglass. Before I was married, I had what my mom called "cartoon" measurements: 36-22-37. I was super curvy, with full thighs, big boobs and hips, a bit of a tummy, but I thought I was fat -- because I didn't look like a model and clothes never fit me right. Now I look back and wish to have that body back. I never appreciated it. I gained weight with my son, but I'd lost it within a year, and I was too busy being a new mom and going through a divorce to think about my body. And then I had a few years in which I was almost OK with my body, decided to start dressing myself like a bombshell instead of Kate Moss, and finally learned how to fit clothes to my body, and then I gained all this weight and I'm lost again.

I always wanted to be this tall, willowy graceful woman, but that's silly because it's not who I am or ever will be. I am trying to recast my thoughts to accepting I'm round and soft and earth-mothery, and that works somewhat. It's just going to take time.

Anyway, thank you again. I'll probably keep looking back at everyone's words until I can make them really sink in, heh, so thank you for leaving them here for me.