She's Dying.

[beckychan]

I'm sorry to hear that.. It's a tough thing to deal with. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my dad's death AND my dog had to get put down yesterday as well so I am definitely feeling the sadness as well. Unfortunately the only thing that helps it get better is time and lots of love from friends and family.

[Haley53]

Thank you to everyone. I'm trying my hardest to be there for him and to be supportive of him, and I do hope seeing my therapist will help provide me with an outlet and support so that I don't end up burdening him with even more he doesn't need. ><

[sarahrosestevey]

I am so sorry to hear of his loss. It will be extremely tough on him and you for awhile. My mother too passed away just over a month ago, and the only advice I can give you is just offer kind words of support and reassurance that you will always be there for him, and will be there to help him during this hard time, but I know you are already aware of this! You sound like an extremely supportive and involved girlfriend, and I know having you there will help him immensely. Sending my love to him, his family and yourself during this hard time. If you need someone to talk too, I'm always here, because I know having to be strong for him may take it's toll on you also. Xxx

[Haley53]

Thank you for your support.

It's only Sunday night and already it's been extremely difficult. I'm a mess. I've been crying non-stop and it was so, so hard not to collapse into his "arms" as soon as he got online. As emotional as it was, I'd like to think I didn't, however, and I remained strong for him. He did seem to leave a little bit happier and he continuously reminds me of how much I help. He'll be staying with family for the time being and he brought the stuffed dog and some of the other gifts I've given him; he says they help a lot, too. And he's been telling me how well aware his family are of how important I am to him. They are buying him credit for his phone so he can call me, and one of his cousins has offered to let him use her phone (when she's around/they have time) for MSN. Even though our communication has suffered over the past couple days and likely will for the next week - he's temporarily going to stay at a home with no internet access, so we will be limited to using the phone, which is pricey - we've managed it and we still send each other little text reminders throughout the day. It reminds me that our relationship is as strong as it is...

But it is still so hard. I have been sobbing almost non-stop. I am not sleeping. I am exhausted. I am having nightmares. I feel resentment at our situation. And I HATE myself for feeling even the slightest pang of jealousy. He mentioned something about how he hopes his friends will be able to support him at the funeral, and I felt jealous at it and I hate myself for it. It wasn't an overwhelming sense of it, and it has nothing to do with his friends. If it came down to his family/friends "or" me, I would say them. I would say he needs his family, especially, because they don't have a father and they both need someone to step up and be the adults of the situation... But I'm so bitter and resentful at the fact I can't be there. And I feel horrible for it! I feel horrible for feeling horrible! Here he lost his mother and I'm sitting here feeling angry I can't be there, despite the fact he's in good hands with friends and family? A part of it may be some stupidly selfish sense of entitlement, because I'm the one who's been here for him through thick and thin for three years and this is the first time I can't be, because it would require me being physically there, and the funeral is Wednesday and air fare is almost a thousand and I'll only have 500.00 and that's by the end of the month. IF I even make that. But I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now that it's absolutely unbelievable. This digs up repressed emotions from some shit I went through when I was younger. It of course brings the emotions welling up that I have simply because he's my partner and we're connected. And it makes the previously bearable distance almost impossible to handle. There's a lot more on top of this and I'm simply wondering how much I can handle.

Of course I will be there for him. I will do whatever he damn needs me to do. I've taken some sharp comments he's almost instantly taken back. I'm not willing to be his punching bag, but I am willing to understand his emotional fluctuations. This isn't easy and I am prepared to do everything he needs from me and be everything he needs from me. He provides me with the reassurance that he loves me and misses me and wishes I were there (this one shatters me) and that he still wants me forever and that he promises I won't lose any part of him through this and that I make him feel safe and like he's going to be looked after and like he'll be okay... He says all these wonderful things to me but I still hurt. I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't have anyone here supporting me, because I feel like I have to be the strong one. And I'm terrified I won't be able to. He knows something is up. He always knows when something's wrong. I can say "Typo n.n <3" one day and "Typo n.n <3" the next and he can guess which one I've said when I'm upset. We're connected on such a deep level and gah. I love him with everything that I have, he is my soul mate, and I am suffering from the want to do more, more, more, and I think I'm sacrificing myself trying. But how do you take care of yourself, too, when someone needs you that much? How do you not lose yourself in becoming everything the other person needs?

EDIT -- I'm sorry for the "explosion" of emotions here, but I literally do not have many people to talk to about it, other than one friend (who has not been online all day; she lives in Canada, and doesn't have a phone) and other than my cat. I promise/swear I am not burdening him with any of these emotions. I would never. Hence, LFADers, you get them tonight, lol.

[blankita719]

My SO's mother passed away last November, and I was unable to go up because I'd just been there and I'd already purchased tickets to go up in December. I completely understand how you are feeling right now.

Sometimes, people may change after losing a loved one. My SO didn't talk to me for several days because he just couldn't. I gave him space, although it killed me to do so. So be prepared if he says he just can't talk about anything. Just remind him that you may not be there physically but you are there in spirit and always will be, whatever he needs. If you want to talk more, send me a pm - I know how difficult this time is right now.

[Haley53]

Thank you, I may take you up on that.

There's a part of me that's waiting until after the funeral/this week, because then most things will have been taken care of and we'll finally be presented with a routine, a new routine, yes, but it won't be so up in the air and guess and check. But there's another part of me that's terrified this is going to be a repeat of my childhood. When my grandmother passed away when I was 12... My mother disappeared almost completely. We lived in the same house but neither my sister nor I ever really saw her. She took up nighttime drinking. I became "mom." So much shit happened that I am terrified it's going to be a repeat, because if nothing more, at least with my mother, things got better; if nothing more, at least with my mother, I wasn't reliant upon online contact. So far, I feel like it's only fear. I don't feel like it's something my SO is going to do. He's very, very big on making time for me, simply because he wants that time too, and during this experience, it's been no different. We've both been working on ways, as I mentioned in the other post, to contact one another throughout this week/until he's back somewhere with internet. I do know that he's been very open to talking to me about it - since we met I've been one person he's been comfortable being open with and talking to - and he's open to crying and working through it and so on. I do hope that does not stop. It never has in the past, but I hope it doesn't now and I'm terrified it will, because I have seen firsthand how the death of a loved one can change someone you thought you knew so well...

A part of me is worried I don't have the strength to go through this again. I dealt with this from 12 to 14, and then from 14 to about 17 because my parents got divorced (though rightfully so, and this was a blessing) before anyone had sorted through what had happened with my grandmother. I did not have a childhood - neither has he, really - but I do feel like I've forgotten how to be that person. I suppose it isn't a choice, though, in the end. :/ I suppose when you hit survival mode, you hit it because you're in such a crisis you can't survive being in any other mode but that one. I simply hope that's not what it comes to and I hope his family continues to be supportive, because he needs to cry and be the kid, not the adult he's had to be for so many years. I get terrified I'm going to lose him through this. He's promised me I won't - he feels the same way about me I do about him - but words are only words. I'm so, so terrified and heartbroken and feel at such a loss for what to do, because I feel like I'm trying to handle his emotions while also experiencing my own. I guess we can only take it one step at a time and do the best we can. :/

[bananabrain]

Please accept my condolences towards you, your significant other, and his family members. I will always be here to listen to you, because I understand it is impossible to go through this tragedy by yourself. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help, please let me know.

[Haley53]

Thank you. The support of this community is touching, it really is, especially since I may need the additional support at some point. :/ <3

[Xanahtas]

Omg im so sorry to hear this My thoughts are all with you and your SO's family, i cant imagine how hard this must be for you right now *hugs*

[Haley53]

Thank you for your support. <3

[ioanna]

i'm so sorry... please accept my sincere condolences...
it is so hard to lose a loved one, and even harder to feel helpless in front of the situation...

[Haley53]

He's sent me some really sweet and reassuring text messages today. They've helped a bit.

Everyone here has too. <3

[Minerva]

*hugs* to you. I wish I knew more to say. I'm glad you've had some words of comfort.

[Haley53]

Yes, I expressed some insecurities and he said that even though he's not sure when things are going to be settled (there has been some expected drama with his father) as in he's not sure when he'll be able to have regular/stable access to a computer again, he's not going anywhere. He says for as hard as it is, nothing's going to come between us. He says that I make him so happy and that he's mine forever and for always and that I am perfect and an amazing girlfriend and that we will talk properly soon. And he says after the funeral, we can talk on the phone as often as we like. And he's been sending text messages throughout the day and goodnight ones with a summary of his day etc. It does mean a lot, and he says the text messages I send throughout the day, whether or not he has time to respond, also mean a lot and make him extremely happy. And he promised that everything's going to be okay and nothing's going to change between us. The little reassurances mean a lot and actually give me quite a bit of strength. I miss him desperately, of course, but being reassured that we're still fine and that I make him happy and feel safe and looked after and at peace with the situation etc. makes me feel a little less helpless/powerless. He's confident he can lean on me and that we'll do it together, and I'm confident of the same. It's simply very wearing.

But like I believe I mentioned, I am going to be seeing my therapist again (tomorrow, in fact) and I'm hoping that she will help me cope with the repressed memories and feelings this is bringing up. They've made me not want to get out of bloody bed. :/ I ended up bailing early (school), because on top of everything, I've come down with a cold. If anyone has any recommendations for how to deal with a sore throat (other than honey; it hurts my teeth xD), please share; mine is killing me. But I'm going to take a hot bubble bath soon and try and get some sleep. I appreciate everyone letting me use this thread as more or less a place to vent. :P

[Laura_N]

I'm really sorry to hear about this too, sending you big hugs. Take care, Eclaire, and if you ever feel like talking you can always send me a message over here.