honeymoon phase

[Minerva]

I've only had two serious relationships, and neither was very healthy. On the other hand my current relationship feels so right. I've never felt this way about a man before, I trust him completely, and I know he loves me. I never thought I'd feel this secure and happy with someone.

The thing is, we're a new relationship, only 4 months old (even though we've known each other for years). I'm beginning to worry this is a honeymoon phase, and I think he's already starting to fall out of it. He loves me, he tells me all the time, and I can tell by the look on his face he means it... but he doesn't say the little things he said to me even a month ago, and he doesn't seem to feel the need to connect to me the way he did at the start.

I'm old enough to understand relationships evolve and secure enough to know he still loves me very much. But as I've never really been through a real honeymoon phase, I don't know... should I worry about this? Because my tendency is to worry, to think everything is a sign It's Over. I don't want to do this to him. I can be exhausting, and I'm trying to learn not to be.

So how does it feel to fall out of this phase, compared to a relationship that might be on the rocks?

Gah. I'm going to drive myself crazy one of these days.

[lucybelle]

Just read through your own post. He tells you he loves you every day. You can tell he means it when he says it. Your relationship is still very much alive! If you miss the little things, then you start again. Send him a sexy card in the mail. Or remind him slightly "remember when we used to do this every day? let's start again!" I've never had a super serious relationship (longest was 1 year but I was only 18/19-- no offense youngins) but I believe the key to keeping a relationship working is to never let it fall out of the honeymoon stage. Think of new fun things to do and say. It's only been 4 months, there's no way you've done and know EVERYTHING, right? Keep it light and exciting. Good luck

[Malaga]

I'm also like that. I had only unhealthy relationships before, and I'm the anxious type. I get caught up in the moment and tend to panic thinking such a moment defines our whole future. If he's grumpy tonight, he must be fed up with me, if he's paying more attention to something else, he must've lost interest, etc. Don't focus on those momentary things. It all comes into perspective with time. Patience is key, I don't have it but I know 99% of my worries would be gone if I did.

Our relationship also changed at say 4 month mark. Looking back now it wasn't anything big, but at the time it felt huge and upsetting. He wasn't as flirty anymore, he wasn't paying me as many compliments anymore. He wasn't proclaiming love for me anymore the way he used to. His other interests started to get back into focus, suddenly I had to share him with things and people I wasn't used to sharing him with, sometimes it felt like I had to compete for attention. At the time it felt scary, like he was slowly distancing himself from me. Like he was losing interest. I couldn't understand how come he was perfectly fine with a bit of distance when I was as loved up as before. I felt like he was slipping away.

Also, like you, I knew the honeymoon stage had to finish sometimes, but I was too caught up to distinguish whether what was happening was normal or was it the beginning of the end?

And still, while this was happening, we were in touch every single day. He never asked for space or god forbid a break, never ignored me, never failed to reply to an email. He may have been distracted or grumpy sometimes, but he was never rude or cold. He still initiated contact about as much as I did, and while our chats usually weren't as exciting and smooth flowing as they were in the beginning, he found the lack of excitement - relaxing. He introduced me to his friends and family, planned future visits. And he still managed to do a few incredibly romantic gestures in that time - but instead of reassuring me once and for all, I foolishly saw them as contradictory...
These were the things I would regularly fail to acknowledge properly in all my worrying, because if I did, I could never think he was losing interest.

I've found that phases repeat themselves. I mourned the honeymoon phase for a while, I thought it was gone forever, but in the last couple of months we've hit this purple patch and honestly sometimes I feel it's better than it was in the beginning. And the romance occasionally hits the heights of our honeymoon stage.

Also I understand your SO is English, so is mine. English guys are just special, sooner or later it shows. I was laughing when an English girl friend of mine told me about it. But now I'm not laughing anymore :P
(I don't mean anything bad, I hope nobody is offended, and yes it's just a generalization.)

[Haley53]

Just read through your own post. He tells you he loves you every day. You can tell he means it when he says it. Your relationship is still very much alive! If you miss the little things, then you start again. Send him a sexy card in the mail. Or remind him slightly "remember when we used to do this every day? let's start again!" I've never had a super serious relationship (longest was 1 year but I was only 18/19-- no offense youngins) but I believe the key to keeping a relationship working is to never let it fall out of the honeymoon stage. Think of new fun things to do and say. It's only been 4 months, there's no way you've done and know EVERYTHING, right? Keep it light and exciting. Good luck

This.

To me, the most simple difference between a relationship that's "falling out" of the honeymoon stage and one that's crumbling into itty bitty teeny tiny pieces is, more or less, the nature of the relationship when the honeymoon phase is absent.

For me, it's important to for me to be able to be comfortable with my partner. Yes, romance is nice, and don't get me wrong, I love his little romantic gestures and he loves mine as well, but we've been together a little over 6 months, unofficially for a little over 10, and, though he has argued my "I love you"s still tend to stir him up something fluffy and happy, not every little "I love you" brings on the butterflies the same way those words did in the beginning (after we'd said them). They still mean a lot to me, and of course he still does those "little things," but not everything is as about infatuation as it was to begin with, and sure, there's a certain element of ourselves that's gotten comfortable with one another. For example, he no longer feels compelled to shower and shave before our Skype sessions when before, he always wanted to look his best and his cleanest. :P I also used to worry and fret about my hair or about what I was wearing, when I could care a little bit less now. It's things like this that simply happen the more comfortable the relationship becomes.

An unhealthy relationship, in my opinion, is when you not only don't see the nature of the honeymoon but the nature of your partner who he was throughout that honeymoon period. For example, if he started showing you a very nasty, vindictive, unpleasant side, or if he started mistreating you, and the list goes on. It's if the honeymoon phase dissolved to leave you with a mess of problems that seemingly showed up out of nowhere, perhaps developing even overnight! It's if the honeymoon phase is replaced by red flags that you don't want to pay mind to. But unless I'm mistaken, these don't seem to be too present in your current relationship. :P As you said, he tells you he loves you and you can tell that he means it and it seems as though you're both very in love with one another. It's simply that you've both gotten comfortable with the other to not feel like if you show a little bit of your human side, things are going to slip away. For example, maybe he texted you every night and morning in the beginning and that's dwindled a bit now; this doesn't mean he loves you any less but rather that he trusts you and the relationship to know it's not going to fall apart if he doesn't. Naturally I think everyone "drops the ball" at some point in their own little way, because there comes a point it's not about infatuation and impressions but about love, comfort, and security/stability.

If you miss the little things, though, there's nothing wrong with working to rekindle that! I know that if sometimes I want a little bit of lovey-dovey time from my partner, I'll initiate it by saying, as lucybelle said, "remember when...?" or I'll simply write something sweet and simple and occasionally lengthy and post it to him.

But don't think there's anything wrong with your relationship simply because it seems to be leaving its honeymoon stage. You still seem to have a secure and solid relationship and that right there should be comfort enough. If anything, you should be proud and thrilled at the fact your relationship does not need the constant romance to survive! I have seen some relationships where the honeymoon phase was almost obligated because of the insecurities of both parties if that stage were lacking; there was a constant pressure to keep up with what they thought the honeymoon phase should be. :P So there can be too much of a good thing, tehe; being in the honeymoon phase constantly isn't always ideal either! But rather, it's important to find the balance, and I think that making the transition from honeymoon to a normal, stable relationship is about where you start finding it, so don't look at it as the ending of one stage but rather as a transition into another exciting adventure that you have to embark on and learn about together!

[kiara_silver]

I think the honeymoon stage does fade. But I think with a LDR it can easily come back. Because with meeting, each time is exciting, and with a LDR you appreciate the little things. So I think it fades at times, but then comes back just as strong. In my own personal experience. We're comfortable with each other, we are at that comfort stage but at the same time, he still gives me butterflys and goes out of his way to do the little things. And this is 2 years later. Don't get me wrong, there has been periods where we've had things die down, and less talkative. But I think its about working to keep things alive. I think when you start to feel to comfortable, both sides stop doing those little extra things, or forget to say i love you in the morning or little things. I think working to stay in that honeymoon stage helps. So yeah I think its normal to fall out of the honeymoon stage, but i think you can easily fall back into it. Theres always ways to keep the spark alive..... a bit harder in a LDR i think... but still not impossible.

[11MikesGirl21]

My SO and I have been together for 11 months on the 21st. I think we're still in and probably always will be in that honeymoon "I love you, gushy" stage. I mean, we're both "gushy" when it's called for or when we want to be. It's usually when we're alone or when we're talking privately. But we have been known to gush about each other to people, he's the most guilty in this. That's just how we are. But we have fallen out of the "I need to be around you all the time to feel loved" stage. Having to go long distance and just natural time did that. And that's how it should be really. I know that the distance thrust us back in that "longing" stage, but being at the point where I didn't have to be next to him all the time, but just prefered it has made going long distance that much easier. The more I look at my relationship from the outside the more I can't believe how well it works.

[Bethypoo]

You obviously know he loves you. And it is hard because that honeymoon phase is so great and it is hard not to feel like things and feelings are fizzling once it is over. But things come in stages and as long as you know he loves you thats what you need to keep reminding yourself of. Maybe do something sweet for him like you would have in the beginning. Who knows, maybe it will spark things back up a bit and you will feel a bit better.

And we all worry and I think we will all drive ourselves crazy eventually if we haven't already

[HollzHeartsChris]

You know he loves you You don't any more comfort than that haha. I think every relationship goes through the stage where everything is new and fresh no matter how long you've known each other beforehand and it's just wonderful and oh so romantic. It's what's left afterwards that counts, but I wouldn't worry, 'cause I can tell your SO loves you very much

My SO sent me this quote. I think it pretty much wraps up everything:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness. It is not excitement. It is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love", which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away and this both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two..."

[Kerry]

I think I understand what you mean. the newness of being together is wearing off. they say there is such a thing as a honeymoon period in a relationship- usually the 1st 6 months. feeling like that is great! I'm in this stage with my bf and he tells me that we're never going to leave it. I hope not! I love feeling like this! I say try to relax. he's still expressing himself to you and telling you how he feels so both are good signs. when he stops that may be a sign of trouble.

[Minerva]

Thanks everyone. *hugs*

He does love me, I have no doubts, and he shows it in so many ways (not just by saying "I love you" but all the little things he does prove it even more). I am truly a lucky woman.

I'm neurotic, and not in that cute Meg-Ryan-in-a-rom-com way. Being able to come here and ask others about these issues crashing around in my head helps so much -- and it spares my SO some of my neurotic antics. You all have really helped clear my head on this one, and today I see my relationship in a new light. Pretty damn amazing, that.

Thanks again everyone.

=)