Opposite sex roommates

[LizH]

My boyfriend and I go to different colleges and are in our third year. We've been dating for almost 4 1/2 years. We've been having communication issues lately because we've been so busy with schoolwork now that it's midterm season. That's almost over...but signing up for off campus housing also happens around the same time. My first option was to live with my best friend but she needs to work as an RA because money is tight. My only other option for living off campus came from a female friend of mine.

In this situation, I'd live in a 4 bedroom apartment with 4 other people - my female friend, a male friend, and two younger guys from his fraternity that I have met briefly. I'm not close with any of the guys. My male and female friend and I each get our own rooms and the two younger guys share. Each room has its own bathroom if we get the unit we want. I want to live off campus because many of my friends already live off campus - I live in a single and eat most of my meals alone. This apartment is brand new, closer to campus, and cheaper than where I currently live. I made the plans to live in this situation very quickly because the application is due tomorrow, so I only spoke to my female friend who invited me and my mom about it. I didn't bring it up to my boyfriend because we weren't talking at all that night - I was so busy writing papers that I didn't have time. I brought it up today and he says he's completely not okay with it, but says it's "not that he doesn't trust me". The only explanation I can get from him is "I don't think its appropriate to live with guys thats it". I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up my housing situation, I don't think I should have to ask him for permission (especially because I have my own room and girls' bathroom) but I don't want to hurt our relationship.

[megfashion]

i think he is just worried. when my SO said about going into a mix-sex flat, i instantly was thinking "what if the girls are hot and make a move on him... what if he gets lonely and said girl picks just the right time to make a move...." etc.. etc..

i think you should just let him know that no matter what, youll still be his, no man can take you away

[snow_girl]

Thats such a bogus excuse 'its not your I don't trust" So what if a guy makes a move, he is basically saying he doesn't trust you to not do the right thing and turn him down.
Anyway, I lived with two guys and a girl, it was no big deal no sexual attraction, quite the opposite, they were disgusting pigs! Living with guys should be no different then living with girls. They will know you have a boyfriend, just cause a male and female are in the same room doesn't mean sparks will fly and you will be attracted to the other. I can understand why maybe your bf wouldn't be keen but if it saves you money and it is something you want to do, don't let him stop you.

[Laura_N]

Well, my SO is a woman and so am I, and I live with two female roommates. She has sometimes asked something about it but she isn't too bothered. I think if she asked me to move to live alone in a single room, I would tell her I wouldn't agree to it, mostly because I'm good with the way I'm living now and wouldn't want to stay in a single room. Instead, I'd point out she is the only one I want to be with and reassure her the best I could. I think that's all you can try to do with your guy. Or perhaps he could come and see you there, and meet your roommates? To see they are not a threat?

[lucybelle]

They will know you have a boyfriend, just cause a male and female are in the same room doesn't mean sparks will fly and you will be attracted to the other.

Totally agree.

[LilyChiba]

To be honest, it is a trust thing to me. I live in a house with 3 guys. And one of them is the ex that I broke up with to be with my SO. He's not comfortable with it, but it's the best place for me to be. It's affordable and it keeps me from living with my mum. Plus, two of the guys are good friends, but both of them are like brothers (including my ex). We all look out for each other like a family. Fact of the matter is, we broke up for a reason. Grew apart. I don't ever see myself with him again, no matter how lonely I get. I only feel like a normal person around my SO. So I think it should be fine for a girl to live with guys, because some girls in the end, just don't like living with girls anyhow.

[Madge]

Instead, I'd point out she is the only one I want to be with and reassure her the best I could. I think that's all you can try to do with your guy. Or perhaps he could come and see you there, and meet your roommates? To see they are not a threat?

^ This. I can see why your guy might be weirded out by it but he has to TRUST you.

[WakeUpSusie]

I was in a situation my senior year where I had to move out of my apartment suddenly and had no place to go for a while. My best guy friends had an empty room in their place and I almost moved in with them... and my boyfriend was really sad when I didn't haha. He is good friends with them now and knows they love and take care of me like their sister. He said he would have felt good knowing they were there.

It didn't end up happening bc my old housemate and I found a place, but needless to say we trust each other. It should be like that in just about any relationship.

[LizH]

I continued talking to him and it seems he's mostly angry because he just doesn't think it's "appropriate" for a person with a SO to live with housemates (roommates would be much worse) of the opposite sex. I know he doesn't think it's a trust issue, but I think the only reason it's inappropriate is because there's the possibility of sex or romance between the roommates. He's more annoyed that I didn't call him. I've been bugging him about talking more over the past couple weeks and this is my moment of communication weakness; he's mad I didn't call him to talk about it which I think is bogus because I make my own decisions. I think he's just mad that he didn't get the chance to convince me not to do it. The argument's over for now because he had to go, but it's a stalemate...I want to live there and he's just not okay with it. I am definitely not in the mood to tell him he shouldn't worry because he's the only one for me (even though it's true)...maybe later. Thanks for the replies everyone, I'll still read new ones too!

[Rugger]

My boyfriend just signed a lease with two female roommates. I'm okay with it. Why? because I trust him. He didn't go through a year and a half of long distance to move closer and cheat on me. Also the one of the girls he's moving in with is an old teammate of mine and other other is gayu.

Why not have your SO to visit and have him meet the guys you are living with so he can see they are not a threat?

[dub329]

Your boyfriend is probably worried because he knows what it's like to be a guy! Men often have simple desires and like the chase. So you can imagine that an appealing woman who lives in the same building but claims to be unavailable may be a temptation for them.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Your boyfriend is probably worried because he knows what it's like to be a guy. Men usually have simple desires and like the chase. So you can imagine that an appealing woman who lives in the same building but claims to be unavailable may be a temptation for them. This is also why some men act erratic with attractive opposite-sex friends: they are conflicted.

Am I the only one who thinks this is incredibly sexist? Men have "simple desires"? What about a girl living with an attractive guy, wouldn't she be tempted too, or is it because men are hormone-addled simpletons who only think with their smaller heads?

I don't mean to jump on you specifically, dub, but it's a trend I've seen on this forum that I find a little disturbing. Men and women are humans with personalities, not stereotypes from Cosmo's sex advice section.

[beckychan]

Hmm I currently have a male roommate. We have separate rooms and bathrooms, so we only share a kitchen/living room. In my situation I hardly EVER bump into my roommate. We usually keep to ourselves. My SO at first was worried about it, but I had already signed the lease to move in with him before we started going out, so he had no choice but to put up with it.
He never said things like your SO did, but it was obvious he wasn't happy with it. But over time it just became something he doesn't even worry about. I mean, I'm either spending my time talking with my SO, or I'm in class OR I'm doing HW, so there's really no room for him to think I'm up with something with him or anything. So I mean, he might be upset right now, but given time he might change how he feels about the situation.

[LizH]

Am I the only one who thinks this is incredibly sexist? Men have "simple desires"? What about a girl living with an attractive guy, wouldn't she be tempted too, or is it because men are hormone-addled simpletons who only think with their smaller heads?

I don't mean to jump on you specifically, dub, but it's a trend I've seen on this forum that I find a little disturbing. Men and women are humans with personalities, not stereotypes from Cosmo's sex advice section.

I completely agree! Yeah, dub, no offense to you. When I talked to my mom about this problem she gave me a lot of anti-male opinions like that men can't control themselves, think about sex more than women (that's been disproved), and tend to misread cues the majority of the time. I'm a feminist and I can't stand anybody perpetuating myths about any gender.

So anyway...he got so upset about it that he says he's going to mull over it for a couple days and said he probably won't be very talkative besides "hellos", "good mornings", "good nights" and "I love yous". I'm going to give him his space to think but I honestly can't believe it was such a big deal...I can't wrap my head around it. I get my own bedroom and bathroom. He trusts me. Why is this such a big deal? My parents are both going to give me the same sexist crap mentioned above and I'm not sure I can argue with culturally pervasive ideas on gender, like how men are "unable to control themselves". Please.

I am concerned that I don't know the two younger guys, though. These a fraternity men...my mom's main concern is that they'll bring some unfavorable characters around, which I understand.

[Kerry]

my bf lives with a female roommate and her adult son. I trust him completely. she even tried early on to break us up by expressing her disapproval in me (w/o ever knowing me) but he shut her right down.