He doesn't tell me much?

[laura95]

I'm just getting really annoyed lately at how much my boyfriend doesn't tell me. What sparked this off was when someone in his family got rushed to hospital, & I only found out 3 days later off my mum. When someone in my family went in hospital not so long ago, I told him almost 10 minutes after it happened! I feel like he isn't telling me anything important. I would've thought he'd tell me as soon as possible if something like that happened, just like I did with him?!. It's like we don't have a proper conversation between visits until I see him (every 2 weeks). I try to start them. I text him, facebook him, ring him, always me first & never him starting the conversation. Quite a lot of the time I don't even get replys to texts. I want to talk to him more, know stuff he's been up to that day, anything interesting that's happened etc etc, but instead he seems to turn invisible between visits?!?! I don't know what to do. Is this a typical male thing (I doubt it is) or do I need to have a word with him? It feels like all the effort is coming from me & if I just stopped, we'd never talk at all.

[floridaellen]

I'd definitely talk to him. For some relationships it's normal and others it isn't. If it is bothering you, you should speak to him about it. That would definitely bother me!

[Madge]

I think you should talk to him but also as hard as it is maybe let him do the contacting? I do this with my SO sometimes (kinda of like a game of chicken) and he actually perfers it when I don't call him as it makes him wonder what I am doing lol.

But you should talk to him in regards to not telling you the important things! I would be annoyed if my SO kept stuff like that from me.

[LizH]

I'm going through the same issue with my boyfriend.

I do this with my SO sometimes (kinda of like a game of chicken) and he actually perfers it when I don't call him as it makes him wonder what I am doing lol.

I do the SAME thing. Last week I got really PO'd that he wasn't making an effort to talk to me and I completely stopped initiating conversation for a few days. I can't say that's the healthy response, but he noticed! We set up a Skype date and talked about it...after the Skype dates...because the first Skype date was intimate and the second was basically stupid silent studying so I got upset that we hadn't talk about it and messaged him crying before bed. Lol. It's been a tough couple weeks.

[FadedSunrise]

I'm going to go against the ladies in previous posts and vouch for the boyfriend.

Unless, of course, this is new behavior and he has been expressive in the past. I notice your tracker says you've been together for nearly 3 years? Definitely judge by whether this is a change or he has always been like this. I don't think you mentioned in your post which it is, so I can't really judge as an outsider.

For me personally, both my SO and I can get to be like this. It really has to do with how we were raised. Although his mom is free thinking his dad is traditional Asian parent, and wanted his sons to achieve and be a traditional man. He was abhorred at the idea of me paying even when we were just friends. For me my parents always stressed being logical, taking your emotions out of things, and being self sufficient. The by product of both things is that we tend to not want to bring negative emotions or events onto each other, and sometimes if something has been going on with either of us we'll force cheer until it happens, and keep it from each other at all costs.

Not to say it is healthy, but it could be completely ingrained if that was how he was brought up.

[Bethypoo]

Let him know that it bugs you. Honestly there needs to be a happy medium and it shouldn't always fall on you.

[maja_marky]

my advice is let him know what you feel...with regards to contact, sometimes let him initiate the contact..it doesn't have to be
you all the time...

[kiara_silver]

@Madge and LizH
I wonder if thats a girl thing? Maybe its not right but when im upset or he hurt my feelings or im feeling neglected, ill just log off and not talk to him until he talks to me. And he does, cause he knows something he did bugged me. lol poor him has to put up with so much.

But I do think communication in a relationship should be a two way street. It shouldn't be one sided who initiates all the contact. I would tell him how you feel, its good to share your feelings or else things like this build up and can turn into resentment. Find a compromise. With his family being rushed to the hospital maybe he was stressed? Or didn't have a moment to share it? I would be upset with him over that, but talk to him, i still think communication is key in any relationship.

[LizH]

@Madge and LizH
I wonder if thats a girl thing? Maybe its not right but when im upset or he hurt my feelings or im feeling neglected, ill just log off and not talk to him until he talks to me. And he does, cause he knows something he did bugged me. lol poor him has to put up with so much.

It's a people thing, I think!

[uniquefem]

It happens to me sometimes.. and after a conversation about how i feel not so important by him being so discreet about things in his life he said he promise to tell...

Well he sometimes still "forget" to tell and did try to dodge by saying "i haven't told you about this?no i did! you forgot to remember!" (this is when he forgot to tell me that he will go back to Russia for 2 days just for interview)lol but from the sound of he trying to convince me, i know he's feeling guilty... and thats enough for me

Men can not read our thoughts... they do sometimes need a tiny reminder convo about how this what they say small things means a lot to us!

[heylittlekrissy]

Is this a new behavior of his though?
Honestly, some people just aren't very good at, or very comfortable with, opening up, about anything. I'm the kind of person who opens up right away about most things, and whether that's a "girl thing" or a personal trait, that's how I am. My SO, on the other hand, isn't quite so open. It's taken me almost 4 years of knowing him for him to open up to me about most things, and I know there's still things he hasn't yet, but that's just the kind of person he is. I've discussed it with him, to let him know that I understand he doesn't like to open up about a lot of things, but that I'm here to listen anytime he wants to, and I do my best to try to encourage open communication between us. It seems to have helped a lot, but I think because of the kind of person he is and has been his whole life, there's always going to be a part of him that isn't comfortable with sharing everything.
If it really bothers you, I would talk to him about it, and encourage him to be more open with you. Don't try to force him to tell you things though, because it will have the opposite effect.

[Haley53]

I also want to note that it could be a difference in the way you handle things, too.

For example, my boyfriend's mother recently passed away (last Saturday). He was in charge of the funeral. Throughout this, he told me he would not stop talking with me, that as hard as it was, it would not come between us, etc. The funeral came and went; it was Wednesday. He was cold to me that night but I pegged it to being tired. When he didn't respond the following day, however, I started getting nervous. I sent a text saying to at least let me know he's okay (as he can be)/nothing's happened, and he responded shortly. Not coldly, but shortly. When I responded back, he explained that he simply had not foreseen how much me-/alone time he would be wanting/needing. He didn't want me to be upset; he couldn't take any more on board. I reacted rashly and thought he was breaking it off with me, to which he said he wasn't and he loves me, but he's going through too much (understandable) to meet any of my needs at the moment. I will admit that I am a bit stung, because I have always drawn so much closer to him for comfort, but some people really need that "alone" time. And it's not even that he's a closed person! He's actually very open, but the amount of grief he's in is, understandably, unfathomable, and I have to accept that right now what he needs is some time to come to terms with it. He's said we will talk and he's not going to leave me or stop talking to me and that he loves me, but he's not sure when he'll feel fine to talk, and I am counting that as him upholding what part of his he can uphold (in regards to our relationship). I will do my part and wait for him to be ready and let him take the reigns as far as contact. It's been hard on both of us, but I have to meet his needs even if they're not what I want.

If you say this was sparked by one of his family members being admitted to the hospital, maybe it's similar? Maybe it's something he's taking time to process. What was wrong with said family member? Have they been released? Are they okay? etc. It's possible that one or more or all of these things come into play here. I don't think it's a guy thing. I do think it's a people thing. I think some people have the natural tendency to draw closer to people for comfort and some have the tendency to isolate themselves for a while, same as some people like therapy and some don't and same as some people are more open to friends, family, hell, even strangers!, and some only talk to a select few. If this is recent behaviour, sparked only after the hospital admittance, it's possible that that has a lot to do with it and I think that for as hard as your feelings are to experience, you need to lay off a bit. This is something I've been learning I've needed to do. I haven't been burdening him with anything negative (though I cried when I thought he was ending things) but I've realised that even my simple, happy, loving texts may make him feel worse if I'm sending them daily and he doesn't have the energy to respond, because he really doesn't want to hurt me and he also doesn't need to feel obligated to do any more than what he needs to do. If this is related to the hospitalisation, then perhaps you need to let him work through it the way he's going to work through it and deal with it the best you can outside of the situation. This doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel what you are - of course you do and I think anyone would - but I think you need to make a sacrifice/compromise and let him do what he needs to do, if this is in fact related to the incident.

If it isn't, then disregard everything I said above, and I would talk to him and let him know how important it is for him to initiate communication as well.