Desperate need of afvice - Please read

[Softy]

it's been 8 months and you still didnt meet her in person?

[Black_Halloween]

Dude, STOP PRESSURING HER! If you can't handle it, let her go.

[Moon]

While I understand that she was in an abusive relationship in the past, at what point will she stop taking it out on you, and realize you aren't him? I think it's a bit unfair to you, to be honest. I don't think that after more than a year, according to your postbit, asking for a meeting is unreasonable or too much pressure. If she did actually love and trust you, she'd let you come, even if it was to just buy her a burger at McDonalds. At this point I'd have been questioning if it's worth it anymore, and maybe it's time to let her know that you need to meet by a certain date because you also have needs in the relationship that should be met (not talking sexual).

It's time for her to, and pardon the expression, shit or get off the pot.

[redapple]

Just wondering have you seen her on camera?

[D.4C]

i would say you need to give her more time to get comfortable with you...you haven't been together that entirely long...and coming out of an abusive relationship...you can never push her...for anything...she has to be comfortable with you...and know that you can be trusted...you need to take things slow...if you are happy talking on the phone and utilizing messengers...i would stick to that for a while yet...and keep reassuring her that you are there for her for the long haul...and will be patient with her...

[Bbth]

Ah, I think she needs help. Some therapy maybe? Has she ever considered it?
And I think you should wait for her to come to you. I agree showing up can only make things worst.

[Sharon Q]

If Shes been in an abusive relationship you pushing her has just made it worse.

Youve pushed and pushed and pushed no wonder Shes scared. I would be too.

Think about it from her side. " I know this guy only online and over the phone. I know only what he tells me and what i see on camera/ in pictures. How do i know he wont hurt me? How do i know if he keeps pushing me? Im scared and him pushing just makes it worse."

That is a high possiblity of what she is thinking. Not saying she is but its highl possible. Ive had friends who.were in very abusive relationships and it took a good while for them to trust anyone. Let alone someone who Shes only known and seen online. And keeps presuring her. The first time she even mentioned being pressured you shouldnt have brought it up again.

All you can do now is wait and see be patent dont push her again. Youll just shove her back into the shell youve been trying to help her out of.

[Schon]

How easy do you think it is to just wait around and never hear a word if she is getting closer or not?
You talk as if it is the easiest thing in the world to love someone, to talk with them 8 -10 hours a day (yes), and to not even mention, EVER, if they are closer or further away from coming?

It's not like i have pushed her every day, I've just hit points ever 2-6 weeks that I had to know something, anything, and I understand how that can be percieved as pressure, but come on. This is a two-way relationship isn't it?

If you asked me now and 6 months ago: when will she come? The answer would be the same from me: I have no idea, it could be 3 weeks and it could be 3 years, i do not know. Living with that kind of uncertainty is incredibly demanding. I just wish there was a way I could help more without ruining by pressuring her.

50/50 here say ultimatum and wait. That about sums up my thoughts the last 6 months, but I am scared of the reaction i might get for either

ultimatum might scare her away, but waiting might end in her slowly drifting away from me. There is no right path here

And yeah she should probably use therapy, or a support group, but she is shy and doesn't want to. She feels like she is psycho if I even mention it and that i consider her a "nutcase". How would i get around that??

[Moon]

How easy do you think it is to just wait around and never hear a word if she is getting closer or not?
You talk as if it is the easiest thing in the world to love someone, to talk with them 8 -10 hours a day (yes), and to not even mention, EVER, if they are closer or further away from coming?

It's not like i have pushed her every day, I've just hit points ever 2-6 weeks that I had to know something, anything, and I understand how that can be percieved as pressure, but come on. This is a two-way relationship isn't it?

If you asked me now and 6 months ago: when will she come? The answer would be the same from me: I have no idea, it could be 3 weeks and it could be 3 years, i do not know. Living with that kind of uncertainty is incredibly demanding. I just wish there was a way I could help more without ruining by pressuring her.

50/50 here say ultimatum and wait. That about sums up my thoughts the last 6 months, but I am scared of the reaction i might get for either

ultimatum might scare her away, but waiting might end in her slowly drifting away from me. There is no right path here

And yeah she should probably use therapy, or a support group, but she is shy and doesn't want to. She feels like she is psycho if I even mention it and that i consider her a "nutcase". How would i get around that??

I agree with you, Schon. You shouldn't have to wait around forever, and her excuses were OK and valid for a while, but I think that time has passed. If she can't trust you enough after a year, she might need more help than you can ever give her, and it could be time to move on if she won't agree to meet. People telling you that you're being too pushy are ridiculous, it's been OVER A YEAR, you should absolutely have an expectation of meeting. I would tell her you need a firm date, or you'll have to go. This isn't a pushy ultimatum, it's meeting your LDR girlfriend after dating for a long time, this is NOT an outrageous request! There is no valid reason to just go on and on forever, without a plan, it's not fair to YOU, which is what some other posters aren't realizing. The fact that she was in an abusive relationship is sad, but you weren't the abuser, and you've been more than patient with her. Good luck.

[Schon]

Ok, I tried to take this discussion and had a HUGE fight, she ended up breaking up with me and proclaiming that I had completely broken down her trust by going from "I will wait as long as it takes" to "I need to see change or I cannot wait"

In the end, she called me back a little later and begged me to take her back. She was completely apologetic and so humble. Apologizing over and over again for not being ready now and that she WANTED to.

End of the story so far is that I did take her back. We agreed on a much more open communication about what worries her so that i get to contribute more. I basically convinced her that she needs me to get through this. Also we agreed on several activities for raising her self confidence: training, exercises (i have course material in it from work), volunteer work with animals etc. She said this gave her a wake up call on just how much she loved me and that she could not live without me.

I hope, believe and pray that this will be something we can build on and reach a point were she is no longer afraid. I also have hope that this won't take _that_ long (3-6 months) and I am certainly able to wait for someone i love that much.

[j0yce3]

Hello, Schon! I'm not sure if you still need to hear this, but I just thought to share my own personal experience. I'm a Filipina, btw. Anyways, before I met my hubby, I've been in a 3 years of very abusive relationship. Physically, mentally, verbally, economically, industrially-- name it, I experienced all those. It was a very traumatic and horrible experience that made me built a huge wall. Yeah, I became a walled person!

It so hard for me to trust completely. I always had a doubt that every guy I'm going to meet were a-hole. After I got out from that relationship, I find it hard to trust and yeah, to love again.

I've dated a few, but each time they would open something serious, I panic! It made me ran as fast as I can--out of their life. Even the sex thingy, during that time, I disgust it. I thought before sex was only for women to serve.

Until I met my hubby. He was the most patient guy that I ever met. He didn't try to break the "wall" that I built, nor climbed it-- he let me know him better. He let me feel at ease. He let me feel that I could be mad, I could be sad, I could still be scared-- but he would never leave me. I knew there were times that I got so unfair on him, but that didn't stopped him from showing me that he's willing to wait for me till I open the wall that I built all by myself. And I did!! One morning, I finally realized that I was still scared, but I'm more scared on losing him. I take him in my life-- and hey, we're now blissfully married!

I guess the only way is to take your time. Show her that not everyone is like her past, most specially not you! I wish you all the best, buddy!

[Schon]

Very nice to hear from someone who actually has comparable eperience.

If you have any more advice on how I can help her relax and trust me I am open for suggestions.
All I know for sure is that I want her to be the most important part of my life.
Any tips are greatly appreciated!

[Malaga]

Can you even say you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you about the basics even after a year?
"I love you baby." "I love you too, but you know, I worry you might be a violent stalker." Some relationship...

Good luck Schon. I hope the therapy etc works for her. You've tried to prove your trustworthiness during the course of the year, but if she still can't move past her experience, then there's nothing else you can do for her. She shouldn't be pressured to do anything she's not comfortable with, but she's not treating you fairly by stringing you along, knowing she's nowhere near ready for a normal, full time relationship. And this is what you want. Don't back down on it.

[Irina_Linn]

hey! i actually believe in folowing: abusive relationship means she was under control,to speak straight.therefore,give her control.make her feel she is controlling situation and your relationship.know let her be the so-called commander and decide for example,when to call,about what to speak etc.ask for her advice,listen to her.make her feel like strong woman.because i guess she is still being in a state of a victim in her mind,you gotta change that.make comments (when it is suitable tho) how well-organized,self-confident,s trong will-powered she is.i dont say you have to tell it 24/7 but u know,at right time or situation.guess that might help

[Schon]

make comments (when it is suitable tho) how well-organized,self-confident,s trong will-powered she is.i dont say you have to tell it 24/7 but u know,at right time or situation.guess that might help

Hey and thx for reply
I already do that to some extent (cause she really is good at it at times) I will make an effort to look harder for things to say something positive about