Desperate need of afvice - Please read

[Schon]

Hi all,

Let me just try to sum up the background for this question as briefly as possible. I will try to keep it short, but a lot has happened to I am not sure if I'll be able to:

I met this girl online about 2,5 months ago. She was beautiful and funny and we hit it of immidiately. Unfortunately, she lived across the country (2-3 hour flight) so even though i have a rule of no chatting over 2 weeks without a meeting, we didn't meet up at the beginning.

After about 2-3 weeks of chatting that gradually became more and more intense (from 1-2 messages a day to 15-20), we ended up on the phone; a LOT.
The last 2 months i have probably spoken with her on an average of 5+ hours every day. Yes, almost EVERY day. When i am not on the phone she's on msn with me (i'm at work, she's at home due to a lengthened sick leave caused by her back).

As you might imagine, over these 2 months things have gotten intense; phone sex, "i love you", planning christmas, new years, next holidays etc, etc. BUT every time i bring up her coming to me, or me coming to her; she freezes. Time for a little more background: I found out after 3-4 weeks that her last boyfriend hit her and cheated on her. Not only hit, he more or less beat her to a pulp before she left. She left him about 1 year ago and hasn't been with anyone since, nor had sex (besides phonesex with me). I've pushed her two times on why she doesn't want to come/me to come and her explanation is that she really wants to, but she just "panicks" inside when she thinks about it.

The first time i got angry with her, cause i had no background info and the second time (first after 3-4 weeks, second after 2 months) she suggested a break after 2 days of moping and cold shoulders. "She understood exactly how i felt and why I wanted her there, but she just couldn't give me that now, and then maybe it was best I just left her...". I told her that I wouldn't leave, I had no intention of doing it and that just having her on the phone is a million times better than a break.

Several times after this I've suggested coming as in a party, an event, anything. She always ends up saying "i'll think about it" and then it doesn't happen. I am at my wits end here. She seems to genuinely love me, and i love her too. She dedicates the vast majority of her day to talking to me every day and tells me everything in her life. I've tried saying come to me, I come to you, come to me and stay in hotel so we can "take it slow", I come to you and stay in hotel... etc. Her answer is that that isn't it, when she comes she doesn't want to stay in a hotel, it just freaks her out when she thinks about it.

So PLEASE, someone! Tell me what to do, I am completely lost here. I need to know if she will "ever" have the courage to come. I am growing increasingly frustrated by the day at waiting!

[Schon]

Thank you very much for the response. I Have already told her multiple times that i am willing to do anything; pay for ther trip, live in an hotel, etc etc.
I've also told her I want her to trust me and feel safe with me.

This is something I haven't thought of though, I'll try it.

[liv4cause]

Hi schon,

Although I didn't have quite such a horrific motive or reason to panic, this is similar as to how my relationship started out. For me it was going to Egypt, trusting someone I had never met before, whose first language is not English, whose religion is not mine and whose culture is so vastly different from mine that I can't even begin to understand it from a distance. But what made it possible for me to see my SO was that I made a trip which was not about him. I made a trip which was about volunteering at an orphanage, I had other people around me at all times in the beginning and I never had to be alone with him if I didn't want to. I made sure (mainly because I was 18 and my parents were at first very reluctant to let me go, especially at this unstable time) that my parents knew exactly where I was every day. I had to let them "interview" him and even one of my father's Egyptian friends talked to him for 2h so as to find out what sort of a guy he is. He offered passport copies, police background checks, a CV, to have his mother speak out for him to my father's friend, ANYTHING to make it alright for me to come and to show us he is trustworthy. I already knew, I talked to him much the same as you do with this special woman. I already felt that he was trustworthy and that he would not harm me. But to have OTHER people assess him and knowing that I have other people in the city I can turn to if something happens, it really lifted such a weight off the situation. If it hadn't been for my parents' approval and knowledge (at least of the general happenings ) I would not have had the courage to meet him.

So what I am suggesting to you, is that you show you are willing to talk to perhaps a friend, or that you suggest she could make a visit for another reason except seeing you. This makes it a lot more casual. Perhaps she could come over with family or friends who know about the situation and will make sure she feels safe, but who will also give her the space to get to know you and have some alone time. At least for the first meeting, having some back up for her might really help. It diffuses the pressure a bit. I really really hope this works out for you two. I think she really needs someone she can fully trust and feel so comfortable with. Tell her this. Tell her your main priority is to make her feel comfortable around you. And if that means she would rather have a 3rd person with her when she meets you, then so be it! If this relationship is special and you feel it is worth it, there should be nothing you are not willing to do to make this first meeting possible in a way that you will gain her full trust.

I know our relationship would not have been possible without this initial step that he made to make me comfortable about meeting him. He did not expect anything back and did not press me to do anything. This way, I feel free to give him all of me.

Good luck and all the best to you!

Liv

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble posting this.. no idea if this will be the third comment already or whether I deleted both ones last time.. bare with me..

Good luck!

[Schon]

That's ok hun, I saw it the first time and replied to it, thank you again

[Zephii]

I think you're moving and pushing way too fast. Back off and let her come to you, give lots of time so she can be sure. A few months is nothing compared to forever.

[Laura_N]

Three months is a short period of time even though I know it feels like a lot. You described she was in an abusive relationship, and I can understand why she might be vulnerable and nervous to meet someone new. My SO was engaged to a woman who after their break-up started blackmailing and harrassing her, and even though it isn't easy to cope with her trust issues, I suppose there is no other solution than to give her time.

I have no doubt of you being a nice guy, and I doubt your girl has anything personal towards you when she would like to wait to meet you. She is probably just nervous, and my guess is, feeling a little pressured too. My advice would be to back off a little bit, let her breathe and give her some time. Try to reassure her you don't mind waiting. If you two really click, she's not going to disappear, and you have all the time in the world to see each other. Your patience will be rewarded, I'm sure. Good luck!

[Schon]

I am positive she is feeling pressured. First time she said so i backed off for like a month before i asked, second as well.
And i feel like we really click, how else would we still have anything to talk about after 2,5 months of 5+ hours a day :P, we got our own humor and laugh a lot. I just really, REALLY miss falling a sleep with her and i'm afraid of attaching too much just to get a slap in the face eventually :/

[liv4cause]

Don't stress too much. Like everyone here has said, just give her the time she needs. It's all part of making her realise she can be comfortable with you. One really big thing for me was to know that he would not get impatient with me. The one thing I ask of my baby again and again is patience. I believe nothing happens without a reason. So when your SO says she feels pressured, see it as an opportunity for you to practise patience. It is something you will need all your life and is valued very highly. My baby and I say that our relationship should be based on these things: trust, patience, hard work and of course, love. See it positively.. because she is not ready, this gives you time to examine and work on yourself. Patience is obviously something you will need to practise and for her, she needs to regain trust. You can both learn from each other. Win win situation, even if (this sounds cold, sorry) it doesn't work out, you will both have grown and matured so much as persons. Hopefully you would be able to appreciate each other for this. And if things go well, then you have lost nothing. Because whatever you think, do not see this as a waste of time Make good use of it!

[Schon]

Update:

soon 2 more months have passed.
Things are as good as ever, but still no visit in sight. She professes her love for me at any given opportunity, and i love her back. We spend probably an average of 8 hours a day on the phone (yep).

She's having an operation for her leg in January, and i am more or less 100% certain she won't even consider a visit before that (even though she told me last night, that is NOT what is stopping her from coming to me). When I tried asking about it last night she told me that operation is the ONLY thing on her mind, and how could i not KNOW that.

I feel frustrated and confused as I do my best to support her both with the operation and everything else, and the moment i bring up her being a bit more specific about meeting up (she always answers something like "we'll see", "let's just do that first". ) she just freezes up and won't talk to me. Usually it ends up with her being miffed for a dayish then going back to normal (hasn't happened in a long while, since i haven't asked, but last night it just bursted out of me)

I've told her, I will be here, waiting, no matter how long. However, I of course prefer sooner rather than later. I know she's the one i want, and i am dieing to start my life with her in person, not just over the phone :/

[uniquefem]

An abusive relationship left not only physical scar, it left deeper marks inside the head of the victim it self. Abusive not always means physically but emotionally could also happens... and this left even more damage than the first one.

Its not easy to learn to trust someone again after you've been on the position. It is harder again to sometimes think and put in mind that you're different guy, not the same guy that hurt her. It surely take more than 3 months... and wow... 3 months and phone sex its a big thing because most of the victims also feel disguise with her self and to even think about having sex with someone else could remind them about the previous relationship.

Please slow down if you don't want to loose her. Just prove to her that you accept her the way she is, with her past also... by understanding that she need more time to get more intimate with you---intimate not only about sex.. but the nearness also sometimes a nightmare to these poor girls

This is what i learn when i work at Woman Crisis Center... just be there for her, and slow down a bit if she worth the wait then wait... when you got her trust then keep it... dont let her down!

[Schon]

I am trying desperately to do so, but it's been 6 months and i have NEVER even held her in my arms...
That is driving me crazy

[Tanja]

Have you tried video chatting? That could be an easier step for her to take and you could see and hear each other.

It's obvious she's not over the bad things that have happened to her. You need to give her time. If you love her as much as you say you do then you gotta stop pushing her because she's not ready. It can take months, even years to recover from an abusive relationship and trust someone again. You won't gain her trust by hurrying the visit, instead you'll make her panic and freeze and not wanna see you even more.

I didn't meet my other half until after a year of talking and phoning and yes, it was HARD, so hard but it was worth the wait. Just like this girl will be but you can't heal her scars faster than she is able to. I suggest you back off and wait until SHE makes the first move towards wanting to meet you. Until then, make the best out of this situation and be happy that you've found someone who truly loves you. It's something special.

[Schon]

I know that sounds like the right thing to do, but what if it's not?
What if she needs someone to push her or break her out of her shell? What if the best thing to do is to just show up? (i don't think it is, i'm just saying, what if?)
Who says the best way to heal scars is alone? Wouldn't it be better to do that in my arms?

I am no psychologist, i have no clue, I just fear that I will end up 6-8-10-12 months from now hearing she changed her mind or found someone else or I don't know what. That would utterly break my heart. I would be torn apart. The problem is, I would feel the same if I tried to leave now. My only option is holding in there and trying to enjoy what we have, it's just SO BLOODY HARD.

And yes, we've tried video chatting, doesn't really help at all, i just miss her even more when i have to see her as well.

I don't know how far away you guys where. I can be there in literally two hours. It would not even be that expensive. So close, but oh so so so so far away

[Haley53]

I know that sounds like the right thing to do, but what if it's not?
What if she needs someone to push her or break her out of her shell? What if the best thing to do is to just show up? (i don't think it is, i'm just saying, what if?)
Who says the best way to heal scars is alone? Wouldn't it be better to do that in my arms?

I am no psychologist, i have no clue, I just fear that I will end up 6-8-10-12 months from now hearing she changed her mind or found someone else or I don't know what. That would utterly break my heart. I would be torn apart. The problem is, I would feel the same if I tried to leave now. My only option is holding in there and trying to enjoy what we have, it's just SO BLOODY HARD.

And yes, we've tried video chatting, doesn't really help at all, i just miss her even more when i have to see her as well.

I don't know how far away you guys where. I can be there in literally two hours. It would not even be that expensive. So close, but oh so so so so far away

Honestly, I feel like randomly showing up would be a terrible idea. I'm not sure if it would terrify me or piss me off more, and I think that needs to be considered.

I'm not going to say I immediately agree with the camp that some people need time after being burned. While that's true, if she needs so much time after that she cannot think of meeting you this far down the line, then my opinion is that she's not ready for a relationship. My opinion is regardless of what abuse does to you, if you cannot commit to your relationship within reason (for example, it's obvious if you've experienced abuse that you may be triggered by certain situations, but being triggered is different than not being ready to do anything entirely), then you are not ready for a relationship. And this is not coming from someone who has never experienced the "better" part of abuse, because I have, and it's because I have that I know how important it is to take time to heal before committing yourself entirely to someone else.

The issue here is that this seems almost like some bizarre take on a friends with benefits situation. It seems like what she wants is the relationship and its benefits without having to interact with you physically, and I can understand her feelings. I was very similar in my first LDR. I was more fine with the distance in that relationship than I am with the distance in this relationship because I got the relationship without the pressure of having to be present and there and physically with the person I was with. For me, there was something comforting about loving someone from afar, being in a situation where I did not have to talk and open up about my issues with sex or where I was not even put in that position. The fact of the matter was he was nice to me, he treated me kindly, and most importantly, he was safe, because he lived 5000 miles away. It's possible she's in a position where you treat her well/decently, she likes that, but it's safe with you being two hours away because it doesn't have to go much farther than someone who can compensate for the self-esteem that the abuse she experienced damaged. As harsh as it is, that could be the case, and you don't often recognise until you're out of the situation (as in, she may not even be realising it).

I honestly think that it's up to you to decide whether or not it's worth it to back off, stop pressuring her, and wait for someone who may never be ready, or if it isn't. While it's unfair to pressure her, it's also not fair on you if you're both wanting something so entirely different from the relationship that neither one of you could possibly compromise.

[Schon]

It's now 8 months later and she still isn't ready. The last "clash" we had about it I ended up promising her I would not even mention it until she did. I know she knows I'm hurting and longing, I know she WANTS to come, but I don't understand why she won't let me help in any way. If I even mention us going to a psychologist together or me talking to one to get tip or her talking to one she tells me she feels like a psychopath since she needs counceling.

She keeps looking for that feeling "now I am ready", but i doubt that she will ever feel that 100% I think she needs to take a chance at some point, can someone please enlighten me a bit more about this subject? How do I help her?? I've offered to do whatever it takes, but all I get to do is wait, with no info, just a constant hope and longing that some day she will tell me "I am ready"


I am alterating between bliss and desperate longing from day to day and this is really tearing me apart.
I need all the help I can get, and "if you love her wait" isn't really helping anymore.