How to talk about money?

[Laura_N]

Our financial situations are totally different. My SO has a job that pays well, she's got money to do stuff and so on. Whereas I'm a student, I live on my small student allowance and the occasional help I sometimes get from my mom. Basically, I have very little money to use and I usually get what I need and not what I want. Getting a job at this point is not an option.

The plan is she's coming here in December. Obviously I'd like to split all the costs but I'd rather not stay in a hotel because they are a bit expensive. Whereas that's what she'd like to do, but I'm honestly not sure I can afford that because I know we are going to be eating out and doing things together. I just don't know how to tell her that I don't have that much money because it's a bit of an awkward subject for me. And I definitely wouldn't like her to pay the whole hotel bill or something.

How do you guys usually talk about money..?

[ioanna]

talking about money can make you feel uncomfortable, but it doesn't have to be. you shouldn't be ashamed of your situation, and i'm sure your SO will be supportive

when you talk about it, ask her why she'd rather stay in a hotel. it might be be very important for her, and therefore she'd be willing to go through with it even if she'd be paying for it 100%.

splitting costs 50/50 might be what comes to mind first, but with different financial situations sometimes it's normal that it can't be achieved. one thing you can do is that each one of you takes responsability for a part of your vacation. for instance she takes care of the hotel and transportation, you take care of food and you both split activities.
my SO and I went on a trip last year. he payed for our flights and hotel while i payed for our food and transportation. he ended up paying three times what i did but it worked for us, each one of us took full responsability for each item he was providing for, and we both felt eaqually responsible, and our contributions were important.

good luck with your planning

[nicole]

I think you are just going to have to bite the bullet and straight out tell her. I'm in your situation, I don't have nearly as much money as my SO, and I used to be very cryptic about what money I had and try and dodge the conversation. But then when we are planning trips to Europe and such, I had to straight up tell him, I can't afford to go halves with you. He was fine about it, I mean they can't really be mad at you for being honest and knowing your financial limits. I know it's a bit of a knock to the pride ( I HATE relying on other people), but once you take the plunge and talk about it, it makes these conversations a lot easier and a lot less stressful- maybe you can come to a compromise as to what you can both afford?

For example, my SO has payed for our trip to Paris in December, I am paying for a more-upmarket dinner one night and his tickets to get into the sights. It's not equal by any means, but we're both paying for what we can afford.

Good luck with this anyway, I know it's hard, but the conversation needs to be made eventually.

[Dziubka]

It depends on the length of your relationship and other things.
My boyfriend knows exactly how much money I have. I don't think I've told him straight out "I make € xxx and I get € xxx in scholarships/grants, so that's xxx and then rent, gym, phone is like xxx so I have xxx", but I share my joy about my paychecks and scholarship processes. We also discuss visits and how much I can spend on trains or flights together.
I've been brought up with the "You don't talk about money"-attitude. It's very strong in my family and like even when my grandparents would give me money, they'd always do it very discreetly, in closed envelopes or in such a way that you couldn't see how much it was and we never talk about it. My mum's a not that extreme, but she still doesn't like to discuss money.
But I figure... if I can't talk to my SO about money, then with who? Having (no) money is nothing to be embarrassed about. She knows you're a student and don't work, so she should be able to figure out what your finances look like anyway.

Tell her that you know she'd like a hotel and you would love to do that, but you just can't afford it at the moment.
Good luck and have a great time together

[Zapookie]

When my SO came over here, we split the cost of his flight. He didn't come over with too much because he hasn't worked and he had a little bit of money from other places. I had a few thousand saved up from my job which I had to quit earlier in the year due to medical reasons. While he was here, he paid for all his own stuff until he ran out of cash, and I covered the rest until he left. He really didn't want me to and felt awkward about the situation, but I told him its okay. I love him and I will support him as much as I can when he doesn't have the means, because I know he'd do the same. He's back home now and has had a few job offers, while I'll be starting studying in january. Money is always going to be an issue I think in LDR's (unless you're a lucky one who is well off), so I think its important to talk about these kinds of things. If you eventually want to be CD, you're going to have to discuss finances anyway as you'll be sharing your lives together.

[Ms.Justine]

Oh my goodness! I know exactly how you feel! I am 20 years old a full time student paying my own way through school with no help from my parents and working about 20 hours a week making a little over minimum wage! Whereas my SO has a career and a GREAT salary for his age, he is established and I am always so broke I feel disgusted with myself that I can't treat him and give him everything I want to. And how much he spoils me and treats me like a princess.

Let them know, how it hard it is for you. Sometimes I found it is better to share numbers so they have a clear idea of what you're dealing with. Makes it easier for them to show empathy. Sincerely express your feelings. Talk it out it'll help.

[Haley53]

I would say I have a bit more leniency, financially, than my SO, simply because I'm a fairly established tutor. I earn a private pay rate of 50.00-60.00 an hour, though 11.00 an hour if I'm tutoring someone paid for/governed by the state. I am currently being looked at for employment by a school and another tutoring company. He was being paid to be a carer for his mother. However, even then, though he helped with some of my air fare, I paid my way there and throughout the majority of the holiday. Though we split the costs pretty evenly, there were a couple times I covered him simply because I had the money and he did not. For example, he lost 50e at one point and so I paid for food and any extras beyond our planned activities throughout the day. There were several other times I covered him as well. Now, I will say that it was a bit of a battle to get there. When it came to the morning he lost 50e, he was very reluctant for me to cover food costs, but we hadn't eaten, we were both hungry, and we were stopped at a McDonalds, so it wasn't too big of a deal. For him he said it wasn't so much his pride that got in the way, but the fact that he did not want to be seen as taking advantage of me or the situation.

*I tend to be a fair bit too generous with my money, to the point a couple of my friends from university one year had me pay for a meal that landed in the 40.00-60.00 price range - can't quite remember - claiming they couldn't afford it/didn't realise it'd cost that much - I'd told them I'd cover dessert, because I believe one was going through a break-up at the time, and had not promised dinner, but I ended up paying for it, only to go to Borders with them later and watch them spend quite a bit on leisure reading. Another time I loaned a friend 60.00 that she has still not paid back, and I've decided to cut it as a loss. I usually pay for meals and movies etc. when going out with my friends and so on. He did not want to be seen the same way I have seen some of these people (I have only recently begun setting boundaries).*

However, though I can understand not wanting someone to pay for you (I loathe people covering me, simply because I then feel I owe them something in return), coming from someone who paid for her SO at several points throughout the trip, I can tell you that it's left no scar on me or our relationship. I was prepared to spend the night in a hotel for 209e and pay for all of it, until I learned I wouldn't be able to afford that and so he pitched in and we halved it. We halved the room service as well. But the thing is, I have found that for the most part, people don't spend money they don't have or aren't willing to spend. If you told your girlfriend, for example, that you can't afford halving a hotel, I highly doubt she'd offer to foot the bill if it weren't worth it to her. There were times in my budget over there where I had to decide "this or that or something else" and that's more or less an illustration of the fact that sometimes people don't have the money to do everything, but they can figure out a way to budget for what they truly want.

To me, talking about money has never really been an issue. It's not like I'm rolling in dough. :P Tutoring brings in a solid amount but it's not a stable job with promised hours. Even with "the regulars," students come down ill and there are school holidays and people sometimes need a break come midterm or finals weeks etc. So there have been times I've had to say "hey, I can't afford this." In fact even recently I told him I couldn't afford to fly him out here in February and the summer. :/ I had originally wanted him to save his money so he could stay here comfortably over the summer with enough to go to Disneyland! But it wasn't likely to happen with my projected income at the time. So we agreed that we would likely pass on the two-week trip in February and instead save for summer, and he would help me pay for the air fare to get him here. He has also always been very honest with what he can and can't afford. Money doesn't have to be an awkward situation, and you don't have to bring up what she wants to do that you can't pay for. Instead, why not start the conversation telling her that her plans sound great, and you're going to try and meet what you'll need financially to make her stay perfect and fulfill everything she's wanting to do, but you also want to put it out there that you may be on a stricter budget because of... and then list your reasons.

[kat4301]

I don't think anyone else has mentioned this, but have you talked about not getting the hotel the entire time? Maybe just a night or two. Whenever my SO and I go places I always want to do something romantic, where his idea of a vacation is staying with family somewhere so usually we try and compromise. But yeah from my experience once you are living together discussions about money are going to be very important because its very likely that you and your SO will never be perfectly equal money-wise.

[Fyrestar]

/removed.. dare I offend someone.

[floridaellen]

I am on the opposite side as you are. My SO struggles very much with money. His family struggled. His mom kicked him out at 18 when his child support stopped. His father lives too far to live with him. He lived with his friends for a while but the rent was too high. Thankfully his mom let him move back in and pay her low rent. Unfortunately, although he works two jobs, he can barely support himself.
On the other hand, I grew up in a family with money. I still worked two jobs at a time throughout high school even though I did not have to. My parents still enstilled a hard work ethic into me. However, my parents still pay my bills while I'm in school. I have a lot of money in the bank and a small part time job during school. I can afford to spend more money on myself though.
My SO gets upset sometimes. He wants to get me presents and such but I tell him not to. He wants to pay for everything but I tell him he doesn't have to. We fight sometimes over money issues.
I think you basically just have to lay it all out there. Money isn't something to be ashamed of. In fact, sometimes people with the least money are the ones that work the hardest.

[Engel]

Me and my so didnt discuss money at first, but nowadays we know exactly how much the other spends per motnh and how much the other has left

[Laura_N]

Thanks to all of you for answers again.

For me, money just is a rather sensitive subject. When we met in July for the first time, she did not only pay our dinner but also my train ticket... I tried to tell her I didn't need money for the train but she just kinda wouldn't take no for an answer, heh. It's rather sweet and I know she can afford things like that, but I have never had much money to use and I feel bad every time someone else uses their money to me. I feel bad even when my mom buys me something or gives me money. But I suppose what I have to do is just tell her directly that my financial situation isn't too good.

[DemonxOisin]

Hehe... I´m on the other end. I´m the one working and he´s the one with student bills to pay, so I usually bully him into buying his plane tickets and such :S I only do it cause he deserves it, and we have a mutual understanding that when the roles are reversed and he´s the one with the big bucks, he will be the one helping me.