Muddled

[Aussiesoftie]

The guy I love lives in another country. We've known each other for 13 years coming up, we've grown closer and formed a very strong love for one another and just want to be with the other. But closing that gap and even getting the means to visit is difficult for us both. He's currently studying and I'm about to be, so saving and having the time really isn't there.

Migrating is also a big issue, there's so many things you need to do and it's a rather lengthy process. I know he's who I want to be with ultimately, and if he were to propose, I wouldn't hesitate in accepting. But I find myself craving the human contact of someone and can't bring myself to do anything about it, even though I know he understands the need and would accept it. I'm worried all things may upset the relationship we've formed. He's offered to help with things though I've denied him..I don't want to put him out, but I don't want to give up the slightest chance of being able to see him.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[Haley53]

Is it possible that you could both contribute to your going to see him? The way I feel about it is that a visit is for the both of you. If my partner and I would love for him to come out, and he doesn't have the money to get here, I'm likely to offer it up (assuming I have it). My argument? Simply that whether it's getting me there or him here, I'm still spending the same amount on air fare, and that the difference is paying to bring him here is doable whereas I don't/wouldn't have the money to go there. In general, travel is costly, but having had my boyfriend's help with my plane fare, and him having my help when he eventually comes out, does tend to lift a significant chunk of the financial strain, because 50% of that 900-dollar ticket, for example, can now go towards food, activities, etc. So what if you both talked about going 50/50 on plane fare? Or, if he's offered to help, then I'm assuming he may be a little bit better off at this point, what about if he took advantage of a school break and came to see you on a holiday?

[Aussiesoftie]

He works at the same time though. That's the biggest issue. He's a studying doctor and he's just moved to a new hospital. So he likely is better off in that department, but still. It's at least 2.5k just for the airfare itself. Then I'll be staying with him so I'd feel bad if I didn't help pay for things like food, power and all that whilst I'm there. Then, as you said, there's going out and doing things. Which, not everything costs money, sure. But I don't want to be so dependent on him like that, I'd just feel so bad. In the end, I'd just be happy being with him no matter what we did. That is a good view on things though. It is for both and it seems logical that it would be an effort on both sides. Ultimately, I just don't want to be like the people he's had issues with taking advantage of his good nature. That's the last thing I would want to do.

[Haley53]

My partner said the same thing of me. :P I tend to be excruciatingly cheap when it comes to me, myself, and I but I would say I'm a little too generous when it comes to other people, and it does end up getting taken advantage of (I am only recently learning to set boundaries on it), but coming from that end, what I told my partner was that I was offering because, as I stated earlier, it was being done for the both of us. At one point, he lost 50e, so I covered food for that morning and covered quite a bit for the rest of the day. Did it bother me then? No. Does it bother me now? No. I was a bit more "well off" than he was by that point - 50 euro isn't a small bit of money - and I wanted him to still be able to enjoy the day we had planned. Didn't want him to starve during it either. :P There were a couple other times I paid and he would get fidgety and nervous because he didn't want to be seen as taking advantage, and he protested quite a bit to my payments, but it was something that I offered and wanted to do. Would I cover him for anything and everything? Exceptions aside, likely not. I wouldn't pay for 100% of everything, primarily because I wouldn't be able to afford it, but again, it's also a partnership. There's a difference between accepting someone's help and taking advantage of it. My boyfriend and I splitting the cost of plane fare? Or having me cover it where he can't? Is accepting help. My ex, on the other hand, who was a cheap wad when it came to himself but who ordered the most expensive thing on the menu every time it was my turn to pay for meals? Well, that much is obvious.

Could you not look for work? Even doing odd or labour jobs? Save up from birthdays and holidays? etc. You could set up a savings account and deposit a portion of your money into it every time that you're able. It's not impossible to make it work, even if it might not happen tomorrow.