Left Him For the First Time and Feel Awful

[Sierra]

I had a great weekend with my boyfriend and right now I'm on a plane on my way back home. This was my first trip out to see him and I absolutely loved it. We had such a great time and I couldn't ask for anyone better fit for me. We talked about closing the distance by the end of the summer and I feel encouraged by that, but my heart is breaking.

We've been doing this for more than 6 months now and have had the same amount of visits and saying goodbye never gets easier. As a matter of fact, it gets worst. I just want to be there with him, I want to not leave, I want to not have all the time apart when we are totally out of reach from each other.

I know my boyfriend and the future we can have together is totally worth it, I know he makes all the lonely nights worth it, but I feel like I'm dying inside.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Aww, darling, huge huge hugs. I know exactly how you feel. I've left my SO once so far too, but walking away from him at the security check was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It literally took every ounce of self-control I possessed not to tear back through the crowd and tell him that I changed my mind, that I was staying. Now I'm tearing up.

Just know that it will all be worth it in the end, when you're together, and hang in there in the meanwhile. I wish there was something anybody could do to make it suck even a little less.

[floridaellen]

I left my SO for the first time this month too. I bawled my eyes out all the way to the car and all the way home. I kept thinking that he was gonna turn around, run to me, and say "I'm staying. I'm not getting on the plane." I'm hoping next time it's better. Thankfully our next visit is Thanksgiving so it's not too far.
I know how you feel about it being worth it but it's lonely :/

[Jgui]

I totally agree with you, it doesnt get any easier.. Everytime me and my SO hangout i get really upset that our time together is ending.. The only thing thats holding me together is i look forward to our next visit as driving away...

[Sierra]

Aww, darling, huge huge hugs. I know exactly how you feel. I've left my SO once so far too, but walking away from him at the security check was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It literally took every ounce of self-control I possessed not to tear back through the crowd and tell him that I changed my mind, that I was staying. Now I'm tearing up.

Just know that it will all be worth it in the end, when you're together, and hang in there in the meanwhile. I wish there was something anybody could do to make it suck even a little less.

Walking away from him was the hardest thing, when I got to the top of the escalator I wanted to run back down and just say I'm not leaving, my mom can ship me my stuff and my car and I'll find a job there. I felt like I was 5 again and wanted to throw a giant temper tantrum. I know I should hold on to our future visits and look forward to them but I always feel desperate after I leave.

I was a wreck all day, cried the whole way in the car to the airport. It just wrenchs my heart out of my body every time. I need this long distance part to be over. I have no idea how you all stay strong enough to do it.

[msskunk]

**hugs**
I know how hard it's, but keep strong!

[nic&matt]

*hugs*
Just take it one trip at a time. It can get easier a little. Instead of focusing on "closing the distance" think "I have ____ days left till I see him!"

I'm sorry though, I understand. It just gets harder for some reason....but you get back in the swing of things sooner, on the plus side! Keep yourself occupied and busy until you're back in a routine you're comfortable with. Good luck! Summer really isn't as far as you think

[Sierra]

I know how right you guys are, it's just right after visits I get so depressed. I love my boyfriend so much and I just want to be with him, and as such the distance is infinitely frustrating. I feel so lucky we get to see each other every 6 weeks or so and I know this is so much more than most people get to see their SO. We are so blessed in so many ways. But my heart still breaks.

I hope everything works out and we are able to move in together at the end of the summer, I've never wanted something so badly in my life.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

*HUGE HUGS* I totally know that feeling too well. Every time we say goodbye it gets harder and harder. Our goodbye when I last visited took 15-20 minutes. We stood near airport security together and we kept on hugging and kissing and saying the goodbye, but I couldn't bring myself to go through. It took him telling me that I had to go to do it. He didn't want me to go either, but one of us had to take charge and actually initiate the goodbye. Once I got through security, I looked back and he waved to me again. I wanted to go back, but I knew at that point, I couldn't. I just broke down hysterically crying in the airport. I called my mom bawling my eyes out and she did what she could to comfort me. I felt so alone. That whole plane ride home, I kept on breaking down at various times and would just start crying again.

Just think, you're getting there! You're one less visit to closing the distance! =] Hang in there, it's hard I know. One day, it'll be so worth all the tears shed and all the goodbyes.

[Haley53]

For our first meeting, I went to see my SO. We both spent the previous night in tears and the following morning doing our best to hold it together. At the airport I pretty much withdrew while clumsily getting everything together - I was surprised that he was unallowed to follow me to Check-In, even helping me with my luggage. I've never had an issue with that before, in America or London - and then we had that most horrible bit of downtime between when you have everything finished and all you need now is to go through security. We didn't want to let each other go. :/ And I felt much like you did. Every step I finally took (took a while to actually say "goodbye"), I felt like stomping my foot down and saying "I can't keep doing this" (even though it was my first visit to my SO, it was the fourth goodbye. I'd been in one LDR prior to this one) and deciding right then and there to stay, but somehow I made it through. And some things made it a bit funnier, not at the time, but looking back, like how I watched the bathroom for a while to see how busy it was before deciding it would be a good place to go in and cry, and as soon as I did, this huge group of women followed me in, hah, but it was excruciatingly difficult. The idea that we'd only get to see one another 1-2 times a year until we closed the distance made it all the more painful, because between then and next summer did, and still does, seem like such a long time.

All I can say is that I empathise. <3 But you have a date for closing the distance and you have dates for seeing one another again, and as hard as it is to leave your SO time after time, the waiting will be over before you know it! And when you finally have closed the distance, all of these tears will have been worth it. <3

[Sierra]

You know, I insisted that he drop me off at the curb. I can't have him follow me in the airport, I'd never leave. The one thing I found interesting was that the whole time we were driving there he was like "Man this really sucks" and I told him I knew, it's hard for me to leave him at the airport, it makes me feel like I'm abandoning him. I did feel like throwing a tantrum and I took forever to get out of the car. I just stood there holding him and wishing that I never had to let him go.

I've been in a long distance relationship before too Eclaire, but honestly, no good bye has felt like this. I think it's because I know that's where I want to be. I want to be there with him, and we'll have that before I know it but we still have to wait. At least this visit we had an extra day to spend together. It was so hard not to go running back outside to him and beg him to let me stay but I know it's just as hard for him as it is for me.

Right now it's hard to focus on the closing the distance date, there's a lot that has to be done before then and I'm kind of ... well I'll make another thread about it in the upcoming few days.

Anyhow, this goodbye I did rush into the bathroom and totally broke down sobbing in a stall. There were some people in there but I couldn't help it and then I dragged myself into the nearest restaurant that served alcohol and drank a bit to take my mind off it.

I know he's worth it, I know the goodbyes, the lonely nights and the tears are worth the love that we share. I patiently waited for two years to get the man of my dreams and for him to realize how perfect I was for him, and now that I have him it's worth every bit of suffering until we can be together. But man, it does suck.

Thank you guys so much for showing me all the support you have and sharing your stories. Misery loves company right? I hate to know that your hearts break like mine do, but at the same time, it's good to know here I am in a community where people experience the same heartbreak.

[Haley53]

No, I know what you mean. There's a definite difference between this goodbye and the one in my previous relationship too, but it was such a heart shattering feeling that I, in my upset, questioned is it worth it. And of course it's worth it, but in that moment all I could really think was about how unfair it all was that some people meet their soul mates down the block and mine lives across the ocean. :P So I can relate on the hand, too, that sure, you have a future together, but everything that needs to be done... I stress about Visas and complications more often than I should, considering things wouldn't be happening for a while and especially now, considering that everything has been put on hold due to what he's going through. It's difficult.

If you ever need to vent or talk, you can always PM me.

[Sierra]

No, I know what you mean. There's a definite difference between this goodbye and the one in my previous relationship too, but it was such a heart shattering feeling that I, in my upset, questioned is it worth it. And of course it's worth it, but in that moment all I could really think was about how unfair it all was that some people meet their soul mates down the block and mine lives across the ocean. :P So I can relate on the hand, too, that sure, you have a future together, but everything that needs to be done... I stress about Visas and complications more often than I should, considering things wouldn't be happening for a while and especially now, considering that everything has been put on hold due to what he's going through. It's difficult.

If you ever need to vent or talk, you can always PM me.

I felt the same way, this goodbye made me question the relationship. I remember when I broke up with my ex-fiance, I felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces, it feels like that when we say goodbye and then I'm in such a funk, it just gets me questioning things. I guess, nobody likes to be upset and feel hurt -- it's the getting through that, knowing it's not intentional and looking forward to the future that makes our relationships strong.

Thank you so much for the support, I appreciate it more than you know.

---------- Post added at 10:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:20 AM ----------

No, I know what you mean. There's a definite difference between this goodbye and the one in my previous relationship too, but it was such a heart shattering feeling that I, in my upset, questioned is it worth it. And of course it's worth it, but in that moment all I could really think was about how unfair it all was that some people meet their soul mates down the block and mine lives across the ocean. :P So I can relate on the hand, too, that sure, you have a future together, but everything that needs to be done... I stress about Visas and complications more often than I should, considering things wouldn't be happening for a while and especially now, considering that everything has been put on hold due to what he's going through. It's difficult.

If you ever need to vent or talk, you can always PM me.

I felt the same way, this goodbye made me question the relationship. I remember when I broke up with my ex-fiance, I felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces, it feels like that when we say goodbye and then I'm in such a funk, it just gets me questioning things. I guess, nobody likes to be upset and feel hurt -- it's the getting through that, knowing it's not intentional and looking forward to the future that makes our relationships strong.

Thank you so much for the support, I appreciate it more than you know.

[Mara]

To me, the goodbyes are the worst part of being in a ldr. I can deal with the not seeing each other, but leaving the person you love is like someone ripping your heart out. *hugs* Oh, a lighter note, I hope you enjoyed your visit.

[Engel]

leaving them is somewhat harder, because we want to stay but cant! but being the one left behind isnt easy either.... awww


*hus* for you!!