i'm really confused...should i continue or take a break?

[Jgui]

THIS MIGHT BE LONG.. BUT THANKS FOR THOSE WHO TOOK THE TIME TO READ...

so i met my SO on a dating website few months back and we started officially dating like 2 weeks after knowing each other and seeing 3 times. I know it's kind of moving fast for some people but i felt so comfortable being around him even when we 1st met. I felt as if we've known each other for years and just reconnecting. But anyways the point is he is in the military and will be leaving in a year or so. I know this from the beginning before we even got together and was okay with it, we both wanted a serious relationship. About 2 weeks into the relationship i asked him how serious is he about us and he tells me "i think we're both very different people. i don't want to stop dating you just after 2 weeks because it takes longer than that to really know and understand a person and to find out if we're really compatible." with that said he tells me he doesn't see us working out in the long term... I left his house crying my eyeballs out while driving back home (we live 2 hours away.)

So recently we both made an agreement that we should verbally agree on how long we should stay together so when he leaves for his service I wouldn't be as upset because I've given myself months of time in advance to move on. We agreed to stay together for 7 months (because we both feel that's the right amount of time it'll take for us to know how we really feel) and see what happens, if he still doesn't see us long-term then we will break up; if it's meant to be then we'll stay together. Of course if things were to change before the 7 months period we can break up sooner.

My concern is i feel like my feelings for him is getting deeper and he is being reluctant. sometimes i have the urge of telling him we should just stop this right now because you and i both know what the outcome is, he is going to tell me he still doesn't see us long-term and im gonna end up hurt.... but at the same time i know i will regret say that..im so confused with what i should do..... he always tells me he won't hurt me and he wants whats best for the both of us. i am happy when im with him and i can feel he cares about me a lot. but when we're on the phone we have NOTHING to talk about and that freaks me out a bit...i feel like a total stranger when im on the phone with him.. we hardly ever text so adding not talking on the phone we have ZERO communication when we're not together..

he is my 1st boyfriend after my 5.5 year CD relationship ended 2 years ago and i don't want to lose him and scare that i will one day.. i really dont know what i should do anymore. part of me wants to keep trying while the other part is wanting to stop, i feel so torn in between....

[CynicalQuixotic]

Gah, this is a really tough situation. I've been on both sides of it, so, I really can understand where both of you are coming from.

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to your SO about this. Just say something like "Look, I really have deep, strong feelings for you, but I feel as if you're holding back," and see where the conversation goes from there. I think this something you both need to be 100% honest to each other about, even if it hurts, because it's not fair to you to invest so much emotionally into a relationship that has an expiration date, especially if he isn't on the same page as you are priority-wise. There's a definite imbalance of power here in that it seems as if he has all of the control in where your relationship will go and how long it will last, and it's definitely not an ideal situation. I wish I could give you better advice, but, I think it comes down to how comfortable you are continuing a relationship that is likely to end abruptly.

[Haley53]

Being 100% honest, I almost want to say that you can't stop love and you can't force it. In my previous LDR, I was aware it would never get as serious as engagement and marriage from the very beginning. It didn't change, even a year and a half later.

It sounds to me that he was honest with you, it was everything you didn't want, and so he's compromised, but though I do think it takes time to develop certain, and deeper, compatibilities with someone in a relationship, I also think that people have a pretty good idea of who's going to be long-term/short-term in the get-go. Hell, you have people who go out with someone they meet on a dating site once and decide they don't want to see the other person again. There's something innate within each of us - we simply know - and unfortunately, sometimes two people have two different senses.

To me this sounds like a friends with benefits situation, though I'm assuming without the "benefits." I had someone in my life who had feelings for a guy, and he didn't have feelings for her. They decided to have a sexual relationship. He was very honest with her about not wanting anything serious with her. However, that isn't what she wanted. She wanted to enter a benefriends relationship because a) it would give her a chance to "have"/"be with" him, even if it were only a FWB situation and b) maybe if they slept together and spent a significant amount of time together, he would begin developing feelings for her too. To me it sounds like you've both gone into this agreement, one with an open-mind, one with a closed-mind. He's aware that it's nothing serious, and you're the one hoping that through this time together, maybe he'll start to feel the way about you that you do about him. In my opinion, this is almost a disasterous recipe. I do not see ending up as anything other than hurt in this situation, simply because he's expressed his non-interest in you. Maybe he enjoys your company in friendship, but he's not interested in anything further/serious. I think hanging on is not going to change the result, other than it's going to hurt more after you've spent 7-months of your life on this man (I'm assuming it's not open?) and he still doesn't want you. I think you need to take his honesty for what it was, realise it's unlikely to go anywhere, and decide if you still want to have fun while it lasts.

[Sierra]

I think it's really important that you talk to him and express how you are feeling. I have two ideas here, the first, being that you are right, he is more reluctant than you are, and the second is that you're scared of getting hurt because of the deadline that you guys put on your relationship.

I think the most important issue here is that you say you aren't communicating and have nothing to talk about, you have to find some middle ground. I strongly believe that if you allow your relationship to continue with nothing to share, it won't work in the long run. I also strongly believe that it's important to have separate and similar interests - this allows you to find something to talk about. If you guys don't have any common interests find/make one.

For example, my boyfriend loves football, I hate it. I decided to play fantasy football with him for one season and I'm totally obsessed and can't wait for next year. On my visit with him this past weekend we spent all day Sunday watching football and you know what, it was so much fun, I couldn't have asked for a better Sunday. Likewise, he has expressed that he is willing to give some of my hobbies a try. I love to ride horses and he's never been on one but has agreed, and often brings up going riding to me. I am VERY appreciative.

I'm rambling. Basically I think if you are feeling this concerned you should talk to him about it, it's the least you can do for yourself and for him. Best of luck.

[Jgui]

I think it's really important that you talk to him and express how you are feeling. I have two ideas here, the first, being that you are right, he is more reluctant than you are, and the second is that you're scared of getting hurt because of the deadline that you guys put on your relationship.

I think you're right, I feel scare of falling when I know we're going to end this relationship soon.. Yet I am also holding back because i feel his reluctance. We do talk a lot when we see each other in person just when we're over the phone we have nothing much to say.

[Jgui]

I think it comes down to how comfortable you are continuing a relationship that is likely to end abruptly.

Thanks for your advice, I think I was more okay with the idea of him leaving and this relationship won't get anywhere far. But after being with him for months and getting more comfortable I fear of his leave even more. I was the one that actually suggested the expiration date on our relationship because I didn't want to end up being the one that gets hurt, but from the looks of it either way I will be the one hurting. I'm definitely going to bring up the conversation with him this weekend.

[Jgui]

It sounds to me that he was honest with you, it was everything you didn't want, and so he's compromised, but though I do think it takes time to develop certain, and deeper, compatibilities with someone in a relationship, I also think that people have a pretty good idea of who's going to be long-term/short-term in the get-go.

He had told me before not once, but twice that he dont see us long-term but for him it takes him longer than 2 months to really realize what he sees in us. When we met I wasn't the one that wanted a relationship. I was perfectly fine with us just being friends and Im usually not the type that jumps into a relationship with someone after seeing them once. He was the one that told me he wants me to be his GF and he is looking for a serious relationship and not a fling. (so you see why I'm so confused?)

My friend had broken it down to me that long-term and serious can be two completely different things.. Serious relationship as in exclusive (which we are) long-term is engagement/marriage (which he doesnt see)

Thank you all for your advice, I do really appreciate them. I will have a deep heart to heart with my SO later this week and hope things will clear up..

[Sierra]

I think you're right, I feel scare of falling when I know we're going to end this relationship soon.. Yet I am also holding back because i feel his reluctance. We do talk a lot when we see each other in person just when we're over the phone we have nothing much to say.

This changes a lot for me and my opinion. Firstly, we all build up walls to keep ourselves from getting hurt. I believe that every relationship we are in is going to fail, except for one. Nobody looks forward to a broken heart. However, you guys talk a lot in person? That's great! Maybe he's not much of a phone talker and you guys just do better with face time. I know this isn't conducive to a long distance relationship, but my boyfriend and I talk just fine over AIM and in person, but on the phone our convesations are usually short and sweet. I'm just not much a phone talker.

I think you need to tell him how you're feeling and find out how he's feeling as well.

I do want to tell you that I want through something similar just recently with my boyfriend. I placed a deadline on our relationship saying that if he hadn't made a situation where I can come see him where he lives by November, we were going to have to break up. The months dragged by and I got more and more nervous and started to look for excuses regarding why this relationship just might not work. But he surprised me, got a place, and everything is fine now.

I kept telling him how I was feeling about the whole situation and how anxious it made me feel, I told him I wasn't nagging him, it was just that I cared about him so much I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I was so scared though I put up all these walls that ... well, I'm surprised our relationship made it out of it.