Let's Talk About Red Flags

[Sierra]

Let me preface this by saying, everyone has different tolerance levels of different things - what may be one red flag to one person is not always the same to another. That being said, I thought it would be constructive to talk about red flags in a long distance relationship. Whether it be before you meet, talking online, after you've met, during a visit, any red flags.

Lets face it, we have much more trust in our partners and our relationships than the average person. We have no choice, so what do you look past and what catches your attention and scares you?

For example, for me, a big one in my relationship was that my boyfriend wouldn't allow me to visit him in Texas because of his living situation. I'm not going to go into detail - it's not like he was living with another woman, or there was another woman involved but his living situation caused him a great deal of anguish and embarrassment. To me, this was a huge red flag, I felt like he was hiding something from me, but given that he was open about his emotions regarding it, I was willing to give him a set time limit to rectify the situation and as such continue our relationship.

Another thing that bothered me in the very beginning, before we were even a couple, was that he never used his friends names. It also made me feel like he was hiding something, but I brought it up to him and said given the level of our friendship I would like it if he used friends names with me when he was talking to them because it made me feel more connected.



Of course then there are obviously other red flags that hopefully are such for everyone:
- Refusal to talk on the phone
- Refusal to give out any personal information, etc.


So guys, what red flags have you see, what bothers you, have you had any in your relationship that you've tried to overcome?

I hope that this thread can help some people who are newer to LDRs and those of us who aren't, take a close look at our relationships...

[HollzHeartsChris]

Well, for me, I think the biggest red flag is if your SO refuses to go on webcam with you at all. I instantly hear the alarm bells ringing because this happened in my second LDR and it made me instantly suspicious. I was vehemently told by him his webcam was broken but I could clearly see on his MSN that he had one and he just didn't want to go on it. I let it pass at the time because I'd spoken to him numerous times on the phone, but I was still cautious. I didn't trust him much. Now I look back and reflect, I think I was a complete fool, but hey, we all make mistakes right?

[Haley53]

Let's see.

In my previous LDR, the red flag I did not listen to, which I very well should have, would have to have been the fact he was his best friend's whipping boy, to the point it was his best friend's decision that ultimately ended our relationship. He gave him a "her or me" ultimatum and my ex chose him. Was it ultimately a blessing? Yes, because it gave me everything I needed to cut him out of my life completely (before I was aware of the "real reason," I was willing to try and be friends with my ex), but it was something I should have listened to in the beginning, because his best friend's powers and controls over him were almost immeasureable. And considering the way his best friend treated me and people in general? Well, I think you can learn a lot about a person by the people they choose to hang out with, and I think my ex being as much of a pushover he was should have been something I flagged as opposed to ignored with the idea that "at some point, it will get better." It never did.

I also should have listened to the red flag of when his best friend supposedly dared him to flirt with another girl and get her number, which he did and she turned him down for it... I found that completely disrespectful of me/our relationship and of her, too! Because what if she had actually had feelings for my boyfriend? :/ That would mean he'd either have humiliated/embarrassed her or he'd have been cheating on me, neither of which was ideal. There were a few things he lied about as well, which I should also have paid attention to and did not.

I can't say many have risen for me in my current relationship. I won't say I've never felt a temporary flood of insecurity, but it's never been due to what I considered a red flag. I think, for me, a red flag would be refusing to give out any personal information whatsoever while in a relationship (I feel that if you feel it's too soon to be releasing personal/private information, then it's too soon to be in a relationship), including, but not limited to, general location, Facebook, Skype, etc. and also refusing to ever go on cam with me at all. For me I think red flags also tend to be moving too quickly... Whether or not I have an interest in someone, I'm put off if they throw strong expressions of feeling out there before we've really even gotten to know one another. Even having liked my boyfriend as much as I did within the first month of our friendship, I cannot say I "loved" him at that point to the degree I do now and oftentimes am extremely turned off when someone claims to have such strong feelings for me without even knowing me.

[Engel]

Well, for me, I think the biggest red flag is if your SO refuses to go on webcam with you at all.

exactly what I think. ive read countless stories about people that said they had a boyfriend or girlfriend online they never met in person, and never even saw on the webcam, just to later find out they werent even the gender they said they were, or were just a totally different person from whom they said, impersonating someone else.

[Moon]

Gotta say, my boyfriend and I took two years to webcam, and we only do it very rarely We've had several visits though, and we work together, so we knew we were who we said we were.

For me, it's secrecy. There shouldn't be any reason to be evasive about what went on over a weekend, or about FB crap, or meeting friends, or your home. If you're looking for an honest, real relationship, you're open about your life with your partner, and are eager to share it.

[nicole]

At first, I had a problem dealing with the ex's, who were still on the scene. One was particularly persistant in trying to break us up. He always used to refer to her as one of his "Best friends", then later informed me they had dated before. I think if he had continued to continue the friendship with her, I would have broken up with him. Fair enough if exs are civil, but if they have someone in their life who has that much power over their decisions, so much so they are actively controlling their every move and choices, I would be out of there like a shot. Thankfully he came to his senses and cut her off, and he's no longer some psycho's man-servant.

Also, this has worried me in the past, but my SO has a best friend (D), and D has a wife but they've been a couple for 9 years now. So through their relationship my SO seems to have turned into their "Pet single guy". Whereas his D would drop everything for his wife, my SO got used to dropping everything for D. The worst situation was when my SO forgot our anniversary last year (well not forgot, but didn't realize what day it was in the week) and he arranged to hang out with D on our anniversary when we had our date arranged. It took 2 days of me being extremely upset with his "but it's DDDDDDD.... I can't say no to him" excuse till he realized D would put his wife first in that situation, and so should he. Thankfully, I think this is just a habit they all got into and he's breaking it now he's in "couple mode", and the friendship is a lot healthier.

Basically any situation where my SO lets people control him is a red flag. I don't like the feeling that I could be dropped at the snap of someone else's fingers. I like to be with someone who can make decisions for themselves and aren't "under the thumb" of anybody. It's funny, at the start of our relationship my SO would ask my permission before making a decision like going to play soccer, or go out with friends; it took him a long time to stop doing that and be more confident in himself.

[Sierra]

Well, for me, I think the biggest red flag is if your SO refuses to go on webcam with you at all. I instantly hear the alarm bells ringing because this happened in my second LDR and it made me instantly suspicious. I was vehemently told by him his webcam was broken but I could clearly see on his MSN that he had one and he just didn't want to go on it. I let it pass at the time because I'd spoken to him numerous times on the phone, but I was still cautious. I didn't trust him much. Now I look back and reflect, I think I was a complete fool, but hey, we all make mistakes right?

I disagree with this on so many levels. My boyfriend and I never used our webcams because we met, as a matter of fact, I only saw two pictures of him.
For my boyfriend is computer can't handle Skype, it'll crash the whole thing. Hell, youtube crashes it. Can't blame someone for having a crappy computer. However, if it's obvious they use one and are avoiding using it with you, then I think there's a problem.

Gotta say, my boyfriend and I took two years to webcam, and we only do it very rarely We've had several visits though, and we work together, so we knew we were who we said we were.

For me, it's secrecy. There shouldn't be any reason to be evasive about what went on over a weekend, or about FB crap, or meeting friends, or your home. If you're looking for an honest, real relationship, you're open about your life with your partner, and are eager to share it.

I agree, secrecy is a big red flag to me too. That's why I had such an issue with my situation with my boyfriend, I decided to give him an alternative and see if he followed up with it. When he did my fears were dispelled. I think it's so important to be open and honest, essentially it's the foundation and structure of a relationship. Plus, don't you want to share your life with the person you care about?


I also agree with people who are saying when the person they are interested in are easily influenced if not controlled by others actions. This is a huge problem for me as well. Not necessarily because I am worried I'm going to be dropped because someone else says so, but because it just shows a lack of independent thought.

So what else guys? Or what are some red flags for others that you have worked through?

[HollzHeartsChris]

I disagree with this on so many levels. My boyfriend and I never used our webcams because we met, as a matter of fact, I only saw two pictures of him.
For my boyfriend is computer can't handle Skype, it'll crash the whole thing. Hell, youtube crashes it. Can't blame someone for having a crappy computer. However, if it's obvious they use one and are avoiding using it with you, then I think there's a problem.

Fair enough. Everyone's different. It was just judging by the fact he had a webcam, and never used it, and also because of a couple of things that happened prior, I already had my suspicions.

[Engel]

Well, the only reason I would accept for not using webcam EVER (you can go at least nce to a cyber cafe, use a friends pc for 5 minutes, etc...), was if we met first in person and only after started talking online. for a friend, it doesnt matter for me not seeing each other on the webcam, but for someone i consider as a SO, without it, i would never let myself get even remotely envolved

[Minerva]

Rudeness/lack of respect to other people. Even if he's sweet to me, if he's an ass to others, red flag.

If he talks down about women. Once again, even if he's good to me, I find casual misogyny worrying.

Past cheating, especially if it happened more than once or recently. I can forgive a mistake made in youth, but if he cheated on his last 3 girlfriends, I'd probably stay away.

Racisim or homophobia or any kind of hatred.

Always wanting to know exactly where I am at all times. Keeping track of me and my friends and where I'm going and getting upset if I go off the "schedule".

Critical about how I dress or cut my hair or my looks. Critical about my friends and family and any attempt to isolate me from them.

To sum up, anyone who is rude, ignorant, and controlling. Those types of people make me run really far, really fast.

[msskunk]

My red flag is when our next meeting wont happen. I know he is so busy build his business and to accomplish his project, I realize that situation need his responsibility, time and commitment. This year we canceled our meeting twice, 1st because my best friend wedding and the other one because his business condition.
Sometimes I have doubt about our relationship, but I know he is the one that I look for and I want to be with him no matter what happen.

[Fyrestar]

/apparently my opinion is jaded aggresive and not valid.. removed.

[Miramaid]

- he had a dating profile while still dating me and he was active on it and for a long time refused to take it down saying he was looking for friends on there (the problem is still there even after 1.5 years but to a lesser degree)
- that he used to snoop on the internet to find info about me and then would indirectly question me to see if i would lie (and i did on a few occasions)
- he cheated in previous relationships
- he has some anger issues and it takes him a LOT of time after an argument to talk to me
- he very rarely, almost never, apologizes
- he doesn't seem to have any sort of a plan on HOW we are going to close the distance (we both know it will be YEARS before we can but HOW is a different issue)
- i do not think he will marry me in a future
- the recent one is that he did not invite me for Christmas this year (he is going to visit his sister in another state. She is his only family and i never met her)
- sex (enough said)
__________________________________________________ ______________

We are only talking about negatives so for those of you who wonder why i even put up with it, it is because of the positives and because of the kind of person i am: i have HUGE tolerance compare to others.

[Sierra]

Well, the only reason I would accept for not using webcam EVER (you can go at least nce to a cyber cafe, use a friends pc for 5 minutes, etc...), was if we met first in person and only after started talking online. for a friend, it doesnt matter for me not seeing each other on the webcam, but for someone i consider as a SO, without it, i would never let myself get even remotely envolved

To me.. and this topic originally pissed me off.. but all feelings are valid as are all points..

Red Flags.. if he does things that go against your nature/beliefs/ ideals.. these are BIG ONES.. because how compatible do you think you will be if you close the distance?

Cams? Sorry gals and guys - I don't get the pleasure of seeing him like that.. but that IS my relationship.. and I UNDERSTAND it as he is always on camera and under media scrutiny.. We have to fight to make time for each other and we do this regularly.. any LDR has to have TRUST.. without it.. and honestly any relationship.. without TRUST it is screwed - forgive my bluntness..

Does not cam'ing mean I doubt him? No not at all, he took the time and effort to CALL me on my bday. From Japan.. with a 14 hour time difference.. when the package he shipped arrive.. and I had my cam on.. as I opened the gifts.. and.. I know he loves me.. and he knows I love him.

What I am trying to say here is that each relationship is DIFFERENT and UNIQUE and some things may be red flags.. to SOME people.. but it doesn't apply to all relationships ...

I've been in a ldr once before.. and when I met the guy.. I knew within 10 minutes. he wasn't who he portrayed to be.. but .. this man in my life....we talk about everything under the sun and moon.. from one aspect to the other and while he may not always agree with me.. he agrees my opinion is valid.. we have blunt honest conversations.. COMMUNICATION is EVERYTHING in a LDR..or any relationship- if you do not have that.. you are f'd. Blunt, and honestly.

I don't really understand the aggressive tone to this post. As I said in my original post in this thread, I asked what a red flag to you is.

For me not webcaming is not a big deal at all, I mean, in any way, shape or form, but no need to get all bent out of shape because it is to other people.
Most of our relationships are established from meeting online and lets be honest, there are a ton of people who are out there to take advantage of others, you'd be foolish to not have some things to look out for.

I totally agree with disrespecting women, and for me, being in an LDR context, cancelling a visit is a red flag too. Or not buying a plane ticket when he said he's bought it. -- Not that my boyfriend has done either, but these would be HUGE deals to me.

[beckychan]

Webcams are not a factor what so ever in our relationship. Fortunately I met my SO over voice chat, and not through text so I knew right away what is gender was (although for some people it can be hard to tell). I didn't even care to know what he looked like until I started to develop some serious feelings. We've only ever skyped maybe 5 times total... but we trusted each other enough to meet in person!

A big red flag for me is when stories he tells don't seem to add up. Like if I asked what he did today, and then a few days later he tells me something different, or things don't connect. I hate feeling like I'm being lied to, and that is definitely something I would have to watch for. (thank god my SO is really good at never lying)