Feeling Neglected...

[Sierra]

I'm a good girlfriend. I always encourage my boyfriend to hang out with his friends, I never ask him to come home when he's doing this, I don't call when he's out with them, I just let him have his time to himself.

However, since he's started his new job 3 months ago things have really changed for us. Yes, we're moving in the right direction but with him working all the time we barely get to talk and it's frustrating to me. Now, he's spending more and more time with his work friends.

Here's my issue. Saying good night to each other via AIM is a big part of our relationship, it's partially when I need from him to feel secure. I get it that I don't get that when he's working nights, which is usually 2 - 3 nights a week, and then additionally he plays board games with his family on Monday nights and we don't get to say good night then. So that's now at least 3 nights a week I don't get to say good night ... now, he has started playing video games with his work friends one night a week and doesn't get home until 1am my time. I have to work in the morning and can't stay up that late. So now that's 4 - 5 nights a week we don't get to say good night.

I'm fine with giving up some of my time we spend talking together for him to expand his social circle, but I don't understand why he can't give me that one extra night. I tried talking to him about it, I made my feelings so clear and I really hoped he'd try to come home early last night, but again he didn't get home until after midnight my time.

We're talking about closing the distance and this is really putting doubt in my mind that he'll have or make any time for me at all. I don't know what to do. I can't change the way I feel about it, text messaging good night is not good enough for me, I want that hour we get to talk before bed. I don't want him to feel like I'm being controlling or like putting a curfew on him ... I'm just so torn between what I want and what he wants. I don't know what to do to change the way I feel.

[cybunny]

I personally don't think you should have to change the way you feel! It is not asking much for a hour a few nights a week.
He seems to have plenty of personal time to do with as he pleases, so I see no reason why he can't sacrifice a hour of it
for the one he loves!

[Sierra]

I personally don't think you should have to change the way you feel! It is not asking much for a hour a few nights a week.
He seems to have plenty of personal time to do with as he pleases, so I see no reason why he can't sacrifice a hour of it
for the one he loves!

He does make time for me, I usually get one night a week completely to ourselves, but it's the good night thing. Why does he have to choose to stay out so late? I mean, he KNOWS how it makes me feel but still does it ... I want to respect his right to have a good time and spend time with his friends but ... I guess I feel like this is in excess when he's a grown man.

[cybunny]

He dose not need to stay out that late that's the thing! I don't feel like it's in excess, as a grown man he should know that its the little things that count! Maybe he is not fully aware of how much those goodnights mean to you? We all know that relationships require a little sacrifice here and there. I know how much I love being able to say goodnight to the one I love, and can't imagine loosing out on that little bit of closeness. Men can be so unaware of how much a little goodnight chat means to us. Just don't feel like you are asking too much, because you are not. I hope you and him can come to a compromise on the situation the benefits the both of you

[Sierra]

He dose not need to stay out that late that's the thing! I don't feel like it's in excess, as a grown man he should know that its the little things that count! Maybe he is not fully aware of how much those goodnights mean to you? We all know that relationships require a little sacrifice here and there. I know how much I love being able to say goodnight to the one I love, and can't imagine loosing out on that little bit of closeness. Men can be so unaware of how much a little goodnight chat means to us. Just don't feel like you are asking too much, because you are not. I hope you and him can come to a compromise on the situation the benefits the both of you

Thanks me too. Last night I tried really hard to express to him how much it meant to me to say good night, and he took it as me asking him to not work night shifts, which wasn't what I was doing at all. I think if it happens again next week I'm just going to tell him flat out: "Look, I can't handle this ..." and see if he's willing to compromise a bit.

He did try last night, I mean at least he called me but the conversation was strained because I feel like it's rude to break away from your friends to make a cell phone conversation. Part of me wishes that saying good night to me means as much to him as it does to me, but now I'm not sure.

Also, all this being said, I did just see him this last weekend which leaves me super moody for a week after I come back and it's that time of the month so I'm super emotional.

[Laura_N]

I can understand how you feel but I guess there's nothing much to do but to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. I often feel like I'm being neglected too, and it makes me wonder if she'll make time for me even when we close the distance... For me, things have improved after I have just kept being honest with my gf and tried to get my point through. She sometimes sets her friends ahead of me too, and it sucks, because she's always busy but can make time for them. Sending you loads of luck and hugs!

[Miramaid]

I do not get any nights to ourselves at all any more. We do not even skype any more. And we talk like once a day. It is a HUGe shift in our relationship since we used to skype at least twice a week, if not every day, we used to call a lot more and IM all the time. All that is GONE now. So i know how you feel. And talking to my SO made things even worse. It really almost feels like I either have to settle for what i get or break it off.

[Sierra]

I can understand how you feel but I guess there's nothing much to do but to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. I often feel like I'm being neglected too, and it makes me wonder if she'll make time for me even when we close the distance... For me, things have improved after I have just kept being honest with my gf and tried to get my point through. She sometimes sets her friends ahead of me too, and it sucks, because she's always busy but can make time for them. Sending you loads of luck and hugs!

THIS A MILLION TIMES.
I've actually told him this too. He's done a pretty good job at putting those fears to rest for me, although they do pop up. Basically what he told me is that we are long distance now and can't actually spend time together, but when we can he'll make all the time for me in the world. Truthfully, I believe him.

I just think he doesn't realize that sometimes I need time too, and I don't need much of it, just an hour at night would be nice. Maybe I should start writing him letters when I'm lonely, that might make me feel better and is a good way to pass the time.

I hope that your situation works out as well and you get the attention that you need. I've been thinking lately "What do I need to feel more secure in this relationship?" and I've talked to my boyfriend about it, but I have no real answer, it's something I really do need to think about.

I know I'm going to keep telling him how I feel and hopefully he'll get the point. I have to remember, he's a man and they don't operate the same, nor can he read my mind or expressions through IMs.

Maybe this is just a test of our communication.

[Mara]

Basically what he told me is that we are long distance now and can't actually spend time together, but when we can he'll make all the time for me in the world. Truthfully, I believe him.

But talking on the phone or online when you are long distance is spending time together. Maybe he doesn't realize the significance of the time the two of you spend together before bed to you, but I can understand why that would be important to you. I also understand you being worried about how things will be after you close the distance.

Have the two of you talked about that? He probably won't be able to change the fact that he works some nights even after the two of you close the distance, but would you be okay with him going out and staying out late nights in addition to working late?

[lucybelle]

I feel like when couples are LD someone might get slack. Your relationship should be treated the same as if you were CD. He should spend time with you. And if you were CD and asked him to come home before midnight, he should do it. Just like he should do it now while you're LD. It's still a relationship.

[Bethypoo]

You should not put down the way you feel. You are entitled to his time and it is great that you understand and allow him to have his own time with himself or his friends. He needs to be able to adjust. He needs to be able to make priorities and you do need to be one of them. He sees his friends at work and he has his time with them but he does needs to be allowing time for you. And i completely understand when the goodnights is something that makes you feel secure.

Talk to him about it. He seems to be someone who is understanding and honestly maybe doesn't even realize that things have changed a but just bring it to his attention.

[Sierra]

Well I had a conversation with him about it and it didn't go as planned. He basically said he's making time so we can talk in the morning, I said I appreciate that but it's just that little bit of conversation before I go to bed that means everything to do me that I don't want to sacrifice.

I don't know if I was not effectively communicating my needs to him or what, but he kinda shut down. He said he's trying to make time for both me and his friends and I basically told him it's not my fault that he works nights and his friends don't, these are things he should have considered before he left his desk job and took a job as a server (I didn't say that exactly but I said something along though lines). I told him that I really appreciate the efforts that he's made, and I expressed my concern that things will be this way when I move there.

I thought that we'd be able to come to some compromise, but it didn't seem like we did. I told him I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend and that's not my goal, I just want some of his time.

Basically, he doesn't see or understand my side of it and I'm frustrated. I know sometimes he needs some time to think about what I've said so I'll give it to him and I guess see what happens next weekend.

I wanted to tell him, being in a long distance relationship requires sacrifices and compromise on both of our parts. I do this by waiting for him and being available when he is, but I need a little in exchange. I told him I didn't feel like I was being unreasonable or asking too much, he knows how much that little bit of time talking before bed means to me and he had told me it means a lot to him too but when he doesn't back it up with actions his words are empty.

Like I said, I don't know how it'll go next week but I hope this stops. He says he's making time for me and I told him that I get to maybe talk to him for an hour or so a day now, he told me I was exagerating, but here it is, his day off, we talked for a little while, he told me he's be online so we could talk again and he's nowhere to be found.

I'm at the point where I want to give him a taste of his own medicine, just go to bed early at night, stay super busy during the day and then maybe he'll understand where I'm coming from but I also know how immature that is.

Thank you all for the advice and support, hopefully he can work this out so we can both find a happy medium.

[Haley53]

-rp- I don't currently have the time/ability to do more than read, but in about an hour or two, I'll come back and post a little something. Simply wanted to let you know that you have been heard, and I have been in a similar situation in the past (with my ex), so I will offer to you what I can.

[Ms.Justine]

I think men sometimes need to be reminded of their women. I am not trying to make it seem like you did anything wrong or anything like that. Just maybe because you gave him a longer leash he thinks he can do whatever he wants. It seems as though this behavior has progressed...and grown into the mess it is now. Honestly, if you have tried talking to him politely let him know that what he is doing is putting a strain on your relationship and if he is serious about a future with you he needs to rethink his priorities. There is no reason why he should be out that late hanging with his buddies? Like really? It's sick sometimes the bromances men create.

If he can't make some time for you - regardless of how good he is to you. It says something about his character and potentially how he will be in person. Let him know sternly that if the relationship continues this way...eventually there won't be a relationship or future with you anymore. You could easily find someone a lot closer who will make the effort for you. Let him know you love him - but there's got to be a change or some sort of compromise.

Hope this helped, and I don't sound like a complete bitch. But I felt like this way with my ex - and I kept trying and trying to make it work. But when it all boiled down his friends were more important than me. I just don't want you to be hurt the same way I was.

[CynicalQuixotic]

There is no reason why he should be out that late hanging with his buddies? Like really? It's sick sometimes the bromances men create.

Everyone else has given great advice, and I would only be echoing them, but it's this sentiment that I very much disagree with. Sierra's SO is an adult and can go out with his buddies until 1 am every night if that's what he feels like doing--expressing disapproval of this will only alienate him further and be entirely counterproductive. I would instead focus on how it's making you feel that he doesn't check in at least to say good night, that's definitely not too much to ask.