Feeling Neglected...

[Minerva]

My SO and I had growing pains with communication. We were both on IM all day, but most of the time, he'd be at work or I'd be at work, so it wasn't quality time. We have about an hour or two a day in which neither of us is at work, and he used to get home and IM with me while also playing WoW. And I'd surf online while we talked. But I started to feel like we were hardly talking, despite the fact we were both online with each other 18 hours a day. Of course given the amount of time we were on together, the fact I felt neglected made me feel ungrateful and needy. But I didn't feel either of us was devoting real time to talking and being with one another. We worked out that we would Skype each day when he got home from work, and we would do our best for me to say goodnight to him each night (I work nights and if it's busy I can't always say goodnight).

It's worked out very well, and I don't feel neglected anymore and I don't feel possessive and jealous of his friends or the time he takes in his game.

I think what you really need to do is each commit to a time that's YOUR time, no matter what, and stick to it. If saying goodnight is really important to you, then he needs to make an effort to do that for you. But at the same time, compromise means you may not get as many nights as you want, as he may not have that particular time available. That doesn't mean he's not committed to you, but if his life circumstances are such that he works nights or that's his only time to go out with friends... well, this might be something you need to let go of for right now. If he's making a commitment to you at another time and sticking with it, he's not really neglecting you. People need time with their friends. The situation sucks, but it is what it is.

Compromise might mean you have take one for the team. I hate to say that, but compromise doesn't mean everyone gets what they want and are happy about it. Sometimes you both have to give up something to make things work. Just make sure you get SOMETHING, make sure you do get time. And hold him to whatever compromise the two of you work out.

But I do understand how important the goodnights are. I love that I can do that with my SO, and I'm lucky our schedules usually work out that we can.

[Sierra]

Everyone else has given great advice, and I would only be echoing them, but it's this sentiment that I very much disagree with. Sierra's SO is an adult and can go out with his buddies until 1 am every night if that's what he feels like doing--expressing disapproval of this will only alienate him further and be entirely counterproductive. I would instead focus on how it's making you feel that he doesn't check in at least to say good night, that's definitely not too much to ask.

I haven't alienated my boyfriend at all, throughout our relationship and our friendship before that I have never expected anything of his time. However, we both made a big deal about how important it is to talk a bit before we say good night to one another and how wrong everything feels if we don't. As such, this is something that I've come to love and cherish and a very important part of our relationship for me. Before his new job, there was one night or a week and maybe Friday we didn't get to say good night, unless it was via text and I took it for the team. Then when he started his new job, and had to start working nights, we got to say good night, including by text even less. Which I totally understood and didn't complain about. NOW, he's choosing to play video games with new work friends and not come home at a reasonable hour to say good night to me, which means that he's taken away the most important part of my day now for usually 5 nights. That's too much. Work I understand, when he has family game night, I understand...he goes and hangs out with his friends all the time and comes back at a reasonable hour to say good night to me, but NOW he's adding another night where he can't be back in time and it's so he can hang out with his friends.

I have never alienated my boyfriend from his friends, I encourage them to hang out together, I ask him why he's not hanging out with his friends when he isn't, I rarely text unless he texts me first when he's out with them and I never call. I've never asked him to not hang out with his friends and spend time with me or anything like that. I haven't alienated him.

Yes he is an adult and he can hang out with his friends for as long as he would like, however, that doesn't have to be something I tolerate or want in the adult I'm dating, especially in a long distance relationship, and I'm entitled to that. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean that he should have to put up with me spending all night at a male strip club. This is something that I need from him within our relationship to make it work so we can endure the distance. A relationship is full of compromises, I make many for him, he can make a few for me too. If he wants to be with me. If he'd rather play video games and not talk to me, that's fine, he doesn't have to be my boyfriend.

The issue isn't that he doesn't check in, it's that we used to have this 'special' time together and now I've pretty much lost in completely. This is an important component to our relationship. He now has added another night where we don't get 30 minutes - an hour to talk before bed when we rarely talk at all.

This is important to me. I'm an adult too, and it can be. How about how he's alienated me?

My SO and I had growing pains with communication. We were both on IM all day, but most of the time, he'd be at work or I'd be at work, so it wasn't quality time. We have about an hour or two a day in which neither of us is at work, and he used to get home and IM with me while also playing WoW. And I'd surf online while we talked. But I started to feel like we were hardly talking, despite the fact we were both online with each other 18 hours a day. Of course given the amount of time we were on together, the fact I felt neglected made me feel ungrateful and needy. But I didn't feel either of us was devoting real time to talking and being with one another. We worked out that we would Skype each day when he got home from work, and we would do our best for me to say goodnight to him each night (I work nights and if it's busy I can't always say goodnight).

It's worked out very well, and I don't feel neglected anymore and I don't feel possessive and jealous of his friends or the time he takes in his game.

I think what you really need to do is each commit to a time that's YOUR time, no matter what, and stick to it. If saying goodnight is really important to you, then he needs to make an effort to do that for you. But at the same time, compromise means you may not get as many nights as you want, as he may not have that particular time available. That doesn't mean he's not committed to you, but if his life circumstances are such that he works nights or that's his only time to go out with friends... well, this might be something you need to let go of for right now. If he's making a commitment to you at another time and sticking with it, he's not really neglecting you. People need time with their friends. The situation sucks, but it is what it is.

Compromise might mean you have take one for the team. I hate to say that, but compromise doesn't mean everyone gets what they want and are happy about it. Sometimes you both have to give up something to make things work. Just make sure you get SOMETHING, make sure you do get time. And hold him to whatever compromise the two of you work out.

But I do understand how important the goodnights are. I love that I can do that with my SO, and I'm lucky our schedules usually work out that we can.

His schedule works where he can 3 nights out of the week. It used to be 6. I realize he has to work nights now and do not complain about that at all. However, he's choosing another night now where we don't say good night. Not for work, not because he can't hang out with his friends, because he can, but because he would rather hang out with these friends until extremely late (and I'm two hours BEHIND him). I don't ask him to not spend time with his friends - it's the opposite.

I do like your idea that we make time commitments when we'll be available for just each other. I think this would help me feel more secure. I want to say too, I am not jealous of his friends, I just want a few minutes to say good night when he's available, instead of him being a slave to the xbox.

Thank you everyone for the help and giving me things to think about and knowing more what to say to him when we talk. I don't know what I'd do without this place.

[Mara]

For the record Sierra, I agree with you 100%. Yes, he is an adult, but in relationships we all have to make sacrifices and honestly, I don't see how it's such a big sacrifice that he would just come home at a reasonable hour. If you were there with him would he still think it was okay to stay out so late? I may be a bit biased because this sort of thing is a pet peeve of mine, but IMHO it's not okay for him to take another goodnight conversation away when you've already sacrificed a few a week due to his job and his family.

I wouldn't see anything wrong if this was an occasionally thing, but a weekly thing with his coworkers and all the time going so long that the two of you can't talk on the phone? No, that's not okay.

I do hope the two of you can work this out, but I don't think you should have to give up yet another night.

[Minerva]

I just wanted to say I was never really jealous of his friends either -- just that I felt neglected and that made me feel like I must be jealous. I was like you (and still am). I encourage him to go out with his friends and play his online game (he's more of a homebody and so his time on WoW was the major issue for us). I absolutely didn't want him to quit the game, but many times I did feel like he was choosing the game over me, and that upset me. In reality he was just getting too absorbed in it -- it's easy to do as it's become his hobby and his social activity.

He's explained to me if I were there, he wouldn't play as much, which at first sounded like an excuse. But I realized he needs to socialize, and this was his way of doing it. If he wasn't playing WoW, he'd be sitting at home alone. I know the circumstances aren't the same for you and your SO, but it helped me to think that if I was there, he wouldn't feel the need to socialize with other people as much.

I really think regular, devoted time will help you feel important to him. In just a few weeks, it's completely changed my relationship for the better. Instead of thinking a game was more important than me, I now know I'm the most important thing to him, and I no longer feel like I'm neglected and he no longer feels guilty for spending time with his friends.

And if a goodnight is THIS important to you, keep telling him until he gets it. Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most, and maybe he's just not getting how important it is to you, even though you're telling him in every way you can. He might be having a hard time relating to what you need. So keep telling him.

Best of luck.

[Haley53]

So I failed on my promise. I should have left it at "later" as opposed to couple hours. :/ But here's where I'm coming from.

Reading your thread, I'm not sure where I stand. I can see both sides. On the one hand, I can see where he might want to spend that night hanging out with his friends. No, it's not like he can't see them at other times, you're right, but perhaps there's something different about meeting every, let's say Wednesday for simplicity's sake, night that can't be accomplished if they met instead over the weekend. For example, maybe it's one night/the only night that all the boys can get together instead of, say, four out of five.

Or it could very well be something you said: "new" work friends, "new" job. When did he start? It's possible he's still trying to find his footing. He not only has to find a place in the work force but in the work place. It's similar to starting university. What's the easiest way to meet people? Joining clubs, sports teams, sororities/fraternities, etc. All can be time consuming, yes, but all are ways of making the transition a little bit smoother/easier and all are ways of meeting new people and making "fitting in" easier. Depending on how new he is to this job, perhaps this is his way of joining those clubs, sports teams, etc. Perhaps he's not sacrificed your goodnight conversations completely but more temporarily. Perhaps this is something he's doing in the now so that he can become more established at his work place and fit in more with his work mates. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be an accepted member of the group and as harsh as it sounds, he may not want to be "that guy that goes home before midnight to please his girlfriend" same as many on LFAD have expressed not wanting to be "that girl that left her old life behind for a man." I think that we can all fall sway to the pressures of social criticisms and again, depending on how new he is to his job, this may not be something he's willing to compromise on for the moment.

That said, if he's already well established and these friends can be considered friends and not "work friends" or "new work friends," then I do think this is an issue I would raise with him. In fact, it may be an issue I would raise regardless because as I stated earlier, I can see your end of it as well. However, though I do think he needs to understand how important this is to you, I also think you need to understand that you may not be able to get exactly what you want from this situation. For example, you mentioned that one night he phoned you to say goodnight? Perhaps this is something you'll have to temporarily get used to or that you'll have to adjust to for the time being. Or maybe you will have to settle into a routine of text messages or mini phone calls for a while until he gets more settled into his job. I think it was Minerva who said sometimes both parties have to sacrifice something in order to gain from it, so don't go in completely stubborn to any other available option, but also hold true to what you need from this relationship. If you can't get it from a text message and he can't give you an AIM call, then I would think about what are some other ways you can receive it from him. Perhaps, for example, he might consider spending every other Wednesday (again, for the sake of simplicity) night with his friends and the other two Wednesdays with you. Or he may come home early two Wednesdays out of the month. I would sit him down and really genuinely talk to him about how you're feeling. I do think that you need to go in with more than "I really need this goodnight conversation to feel secure in our relationship. It's one night of the week." Perhaps more of an open attitude, such as, "I know you value your time with your friends, and it's great that you do, but I'm unhappy because I miss our goodnight conversations, and I was wondering if we could sit down and work out a way to compromise so that we're both happy?" and then brainstorm together. Put out there what you're not willing to sacrifice (forbid "I'm not not going to stay out late with my friends" and "I'm not going to sacrifice our AIM conversations" from entering the conversation), what you both need, and some possible solutions. See if any of yours are close or could be combined to create a situation that works for the both of you. And I do agree with Minerva that a set time to spend with one another could/would be good.

[Sierra]

He's been at his job for several months, I wouldn't call his work friends new friends. He's officially worked there for 3 months and unofficially for 4 - 5. He's definitely found his place at work, and while I understand that point of view, it's not what's going on here. While he might not want to be that guy that wants to go home at midnight to talk to his girlfriend, I don't want to be the girlfriend who's boyfriend never comes home because he has better things to do.

We talked about it again and I asked him if he could commit one day to me (one afternoon/evening where he comes stays home to talk to me) and one night he'll be home to say good night a week. He said that he wanted to do more than that and I told him he's having a hard time giving me these two days so lets go from there. I guess I've just got to wait and see.

This IS an ongoing problem in our relationship, but on another level. When he gets caught up in something that's super fun and isn't going to make it home like he told me he's going to, I've just asked if he'd let me know, and he has trouble doing this. When I told him my concerns about moving out there his response was "But you'd be coming with me everywhere" and I politely told him I have severe insomnia and need 8 hours of sleep a night, my days of staying out to obscene hours during the work week are long over. If's fine if that's what he wants to do but it's not for me.

I guess we'll just see what happens.

[Haley53]

Ah, okay, I misinterpreted what you meant by "new" then. :/ I didn't mean that bit about the girlfriend offensively; I actually really meant that to apply to if it was a recent job he'd picked up and not something he was established at (I do think people tend to be more understanding once you've been accepted into their circle, so to speak), so forgive me as I misinterpreted what you meant by the use of the term "new."

I can certainly agree with the issue of letting you know... I think it's only fair and only respectful. My ex used to make Skype dates with me only to essentially stand me up. "But Ashley (his best friend) popped by!" only cut it for so long when I was well aware he had my number and the ability to even text me, if he didn't want to give me a call and if he couldn't get online to leave me a message saying he wouldn't be on as opposed to leaving me waiting there until much later in the evening, when he'd finally tell me he'd gone out. I did think it lacked a significant amount of courtesy for me and I would say the same for your SO. Yes, people get caught up sometimes, it happens, but it's important not to leave the person you made plans with/to be on for hanging if you have a mean of contacting them. :/ So I will agree with you there, and knowing more about the circumstances of his job, I do agree that he should be able to compromise at least an itty bit. I'll hope he follows through on what he says he's going to. <3

[CynicalQuixotic]

The issue isn't that he doesn't check in, it's that we used to have this 'special' time together and now I've pretty much lost in completely. This is an important component to our relationship. He now has added another night where we don't get 30 minutes - an hour to talk before bed when we rarely talk at all.

This is important to me. I'm an adult too, and it can be. How about how he's alienated me?

You misinterpreted the tone of my post. I never meant to insinuate that you did anything wrong at all--I just disagree with the sentiment that it's inherently a terrible thing if your boyfriend stays out late with his buddies, and I was trying to point out that stressing that point might backfire and cause further discord. However, it's upsetting you and causing strife in your relationship, so therefore you have every right to make your feelings known and your boyfriend has a responsibility to your relationship to compromise with you. That's what I meant to say. I'm sorry if I came off terribly bitchy, I was definitely not implying you were in the wrong in any way.