Needing advice about getting too attached :)

[savoie-truffle]

Okay so I have two actual issues here. Getting too attached and clingy to my SO and the problem of coming on too strong when it comes to his family.

So first and foremost how the HECK do I keep myself grounded about my feelings and not plan out our futures together hahaha, some background he and I have been friends for over 4 years now, and off and on (due to distance and conflict hehe) for nearly 3. Ive liked him since I met him and soon after I started to "like like him" hehe. We got together again in July and now we are LD again because of school. So here is my problem... when Im both 3 years and only a few months into this relationship how do I find balance? I really dont want to come on too strong or scare him off but at the same time why would he want to be in a LD relationship with me if he didnt see this going somewhere (oh yeah ultimately the idea to be official and continue LD was his). I've been saying for the last 3.5 years "Someday Ima marry that boy" haha so I also feel like after all that he should know that at least some part of my really does want that for us. On the other hand I realize that he is a guy and at 22 he probably isn't thinking the same thing as me. Also if I were to put a timeline on his feelings for me it would be maybe 4-3 years ago we were friends and then friends with benefits until maybe a year ago when he realized life without me in it wasnt as fun or happy.

Sooooo advice.. how you you guys keep from scaring your SO away by asking questions about your potential future together.

On the other note family.... I haven't gotten to spend much time with his parents yet I do REALLY like them I also thought that they liked me as well, they were always so kind and accommodating. This past summer I got to spend a lot of time at their place and talk alot with his dad and even a bit with his mum and thought things were going great. Recently I sent out a postcard saying something along the lines of "Thanks so much for making me summer better" because really they truly did (on top of just being the reason my bf exists :P ), they gave good advice, fed me, invited me over, and just were there for me if i needed it.

Tonight I asked him if they had received the card and that is when things got sour. He said that his mother was a bit creeped out by it... She had even said that she didnt think we were close enough to be sending correspondence back and forth It really hurt me to hear that because I thought what I had done was completely normal. I just wanted to stay in touch so that ultimately when we are back together again I dont have to start all over again. He went on to say that "maybe if we had been dating for like a year it would be okay but they just dont really know you very well"
Which I suppose is true but from my point of view how the hell are they supposed to get to know me if we dont stay in touch...

So in this case what I guess I need advice on is ultimately how do I set boundaries? I really dont want to frighten them. and also how do I deal with this? Do you think its just a case of different personalities or am I really in the wrong? Im sure the sting will pass with time I would just hate for it to be awkward the next time I see them.

Oh I forgot to mention that I am also getting mixed signals from his parents seeing as his dad says things like "Come stay with us" and "if you ever need anything" and just stuff like that.. I mean he and I are definitely closer but maybe its just his mom feeling that way?


Any input would be sooo appreciated thank you so much

ps Yes I am VERY aware that I am overly sensitive

[Haley53]

I'll think more on this; however, I wanted to note that I am actually quite curious as to the mother's reaction. Seems strange to me she'd find a "thank you" note "creepy" since she's the one saying the things she is, not to mention that everyone likes to feel appreciated. :P If I can come up with nothing more to add, then I simply want to say I think it's nice and appropriate to send someone a thank you card after they've accomodated you for a spell of time, and there was nothing wrong with what you said or the fact you sent it. Wanted to console you that her reaction comes off as a bit atypical, and that you didn't do anything wrong by sending it.

[kiara_silver]

hmm im just going to ramble, not sure if you'll find this helpful or not.
Me and my SO have been dating nearly 2 and a half years, and i was scared to talk to much of our future lol, i would be worried i might freak him out, or scare him that im rushing things. But he's fine with it, encourages it and thinks about our future too. We talk about kids and marriage and all that. But it depends how comfortable you two are. I actually asked him early on about kids and marriage lol, i used to question him all the time.So i do think you can have these conversations anytime, if you keep it light and make clear that your not planning your wedding now, just talking about it and so you know that's where your relationships headed. (so maybe not details on your wedding color schemes lol) But you guys have to both be comfortable, not all guys are the same, or hmm idk actually, ive only been with my SO, and he thinks like me in that aspect. You know your SO best, but I think if your thinking about these things, you should be able to share them with your SO.

About his parents, i find that a bit strange that she got creeped out by a thank you note? I personally don't know my SO's parents, but they just recently found out about me. And I think as family, you should be able to get to know them. If in love with there son you plan to stay in his life, so that means your in there life too. Getting to know them slowly seems like a good idea? Maybe smaller ways to get to know her and his family, like small email every month or so just to say hi, how are you? Not sure actually. I plan to send a simple Christmas card this christmas to his family, just to say happy holidays. To me family is important, and weather you get along or not there family. But maybe it's just the whole LDR thing, and they just won't feel comfortable till tthey spend more time in person?

[Mara]

I'm going to try to be as politically correct as possible here, but excuse me if I don't come off totally how I mean to. I suck with words. :P

I do think you are coming on a little strong with this guy. You've obviously cared about him [been in love with him?] for a long time and now that the two of you are together you are sort of jumping ahead instead of starting at the starting line. I don't think anything's wrong with that except from the way you made things sound he isn't quite there yet and neither is his family.

I don't think you did anything wrong by dropping his parents a little note, but if this was your first time meeting them this summer [which I am assuming it was] I can see how his mother might have found it strange that this girl that he's just started dating and they just met is all of a sudden sending them post.

With his parents, I'd just back off and let them lead any interaction that would go on between all of you. They probably don't see you as a 'serious' girlfriend yet and probably aren't too interested in getting to know you, to be perfectly honest. It's always been my experience that parents take more interest when they see that you are someone that will be sticking around a while and in some cases parents just aren't interested in building a relationship with their son/daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend. I would just focus on making things polite and friendly when you do see them and if they wish to build a relationship with you, I would let them initiate.

As for your guy, I would just talk to him to figure out exactly what he is thinking/feeling about the two of you. Ask him if he sees a long term future between the two of you and from the way he answers that you can judge what you should and shouldn't say or bring up with him.

[savoie-truffle]

Thanks guys.

Ive calmed down a bit and come to the realization that maybe its just the way their family runs I think at some point even he was like dude why are you following me around? (way back in high school) ha.
At the same time though Im not entirely sure, it wasn't the first time we've met and before I left we spent a couple hours just chatting so I dont know I thought we were on that level but like you said there is nothing I can really do its not like I set out to freak anyone out

As for my actual issue with my SO I agree I shouldnt have to feel like Im holding back so I think I will bring it up with him, I think Im just at that terrifying stage where I dont really know what to do at this point Im new to the LD thing and its getting really REAL. When we spent everyday together and could see each others reactions things like this were never an issue but its getting hard to gauge things because we are only communicating on text and the occasional 5 minute phone call (his computer just died.. Majorly).

I mean when we got together I made it clear that while Im aware that juts because we get together doesnt mean we will work out that I really meant business like Im not fooling around I would love to be with him some day, and he seemed to agree. On top of that our two "end goals" in life (aka our grown up dreams and aspirations) really seem like they would meld well. I think it is just the what are we doing for the next two years is what is bothering us. Hopefully if I get back there for the holidays we can sit down face to face and chat about our plan. I would like to have some sort of tentative "closing date" or a backup plan for if one of us cannot make it to the other right away due to something unexpected (like if he gets a job there after school and I still have another year vs. if he doesnt would he come here?)
does that sound good? Im really hoping its just the lack of communication thing going on which is what it seems to be, its just hard to know really
and in case you havent noticed I worry a lot

thanks again for the advice

---------- Post added at 02:35 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:34 AM ----------

I'm going to try to be as politically correct as possible here, but excuse me if I don't come off totally how I mean to. I suck with words. :P

You did fine, maybe not what I wanted to hear but definitely constructive and Ill remember it thanks for the honesty!

[Semperfikindoflove]

I understand how that can be as far as being afraid to move too fast. But the thing I would say is you'll know when he is ready to talk about those things. My best friend and I weren't even dating when we had a discussion about that but that's because we both knew we wanted a future together even when we weren't together. He will give you hints and let you know that he is ready to move to that next step. It can be hard not wanting to talk about those kinds of things but just keep your head up, it will come with time. Let him be the one to bring those things up.

As far as the parents go, I really haven't had that issue because my best friend/boyfriend's parents and I hit it off instantly. I have spent time in the past with boyfriend's families while they were away on deployments and boot camp. But I think even though you spent time there over the summer, it takes quite a bit of time with them for everyone to feel completely comfortable with each other. Again, just give it time. If you need anything let me know.

[Malaga]

It's always been my experience that parents take more interest when they see that you are someone that will be sticking around a while and in some cases parents just aren't interested in building a relationship with their son/daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend. I would just focus on making things polite and friendly when you do see them and if they wish to build a relationship with you, I would let them initiate.

+1
My parents, Dad in particular, would always tell me that he has no need to meet my boyfriend unless he was going to stick around. He doesn't like to meddle and while he was always friendly with any of my boyfriends and they all felt welcome, he never developed any kind of relationship with them. It's nothing personal and he didn't dislike any of them. He just didn't want to get involved much. I think it will be different once we get engaged, that'll be for him a sign that the guy plans to stick around.

Also, mothers are always a bit more protective of their sons than fathers are, I have a brother and I see it in my family too. So I think for a son's girlfriend it's always easier to hit it off with his father than the mother, as mum's usually take a bit longer to warm up. That's just instinctive I guess, nothing personal really.

I stayed at his parents' place a couple of times, they were very friendly and it was really easy to chat. His mum made plans to take me shopping next time I'm there, etc. Still, while I'm not there, all our communication goes via my boyfriend. He'd tell me that she asked about me and I'd tell him to send her my regards. She recently had a birthday and I just told him to wish her a happy birthday for me. I'd never think of calling her or sending a card. Who am I to her? I know that she likes me, but I'm neither her friend or a family yet.

Just try to be patient and everything will work out great.

Good luck xx