1 week away from 1st meeting..Now having doubts

[LuvSsw]

Hello All,
I am finally going to meet my SO in person for the first time in one week. I have been waiting for this moment for so long. I dreamed about it constantly, how it would be, how he would smell, the first kiss, looking into his eyes, the nervousness.... All this was being driven by how he made me feel..always so attentive ...texting me constantly or sending emails full of loving words. I was in bliss because I'd finally let my guard down. He pursued me and I was guarded at first..but slowly he broke through that wall and I fell hard for him. Now..oddly..with our meeting only a week away..things have changed. The communication has dropped drastically. I'd be lucky to get a text or two every other day..and if I text him..it takes a long time before he responds..and his texts are all general...no more loving/poetic words. It used to seem like he couldn't get enough of me..now it feels like I am chasing affection. Now.....he says that it's like that now because he started a new job an that he's always tired and even when he gets home..he needs his 'down time'. well that 'down time' ends up equating to 'no time' because he won't talk to me at all. If i call...he either won't answer..or if he does..he talks real general stuff for a short time then tells me he's gotta go. This is making me awfully nervous about going to see him...not to mention feeling really hurt. I have backed off and don't bother him or constantly try to call him..to give him space..which makes it even harder when after many days ...like tonight..after not talking since a week ago(on the phone)...now that it's friday night..still no word...no call...no text. i got a text 2 days ago stating something like...'wow....only week til we meet!'..and then nothing else since then. We met almost 6 months ago online. And now the time has come...but the change in attention is giving me doubts....am I wrong??? Please give me some perspective..anyone.....I've never felt so lonely in thought.

[Laura_N]

Hey there!

My girlfriend is working hard, too. She is always tired after the days and didn't give me as much attention as I would like, and her e-mails were usually all general stuff too. So trust me, I understand how you feel. But then I talked to her. Many, many times. It took me over a month to get my point through, that I wasn't very happy with the way our communication was being and how I was tired to constantly competing with her job. But little by little things have improved, and I can see how she is really making the effort now.

I suggest you talk to him about it. While I understand my SO is really tired after work and her job makes her stressed, it's no excuse not to stay in touch at all. To me it sounds very unfair that you haven't talked for nearly a week. I think it's understandable that with a new job things are hectic at first when he is getting to know the people and habits in his new work place, but he should still at least answer your phone calls or text you back. Especially now that you are going to meet soon and you need reassurance. I would be really nervous too if I didn't hear from my SO before we met.

Just tell him how you honestly feel. He might not be realising the change because he's focusing on his new job so much. Good luck and loads of hugs to you!

[rhomy]

Hey!
I pretty much agree with Laura. A new job can really make you feel exhausted and maybe he is focusing on that very much and hasn't really noticed he is making you feel this way. Besides, I bet he is kinda nervous about your meeting too.
So try to tell him how you feel, but mostly try to be calm. His feelings won't change in one week, I think he is just overwhelmed.
And in one week you finally will get to hug him and be with him!!!
(I would love to meet my SO too )

Good luck!!!

[Kerry]

that was my 1st thought too- he was tired from his new job. I bet he is nervous about meeting you. when I decided to fly to meet my bf for the 1st time this summer we were both pretty nervous. it took me a few hours after meeting him to settle down and relax!

[Swederica]

Unless he got a job that forces him to work some 80-90 hours a week I can't see how he would be that busy. Yes new job, yes tired afterwards. Still though, it's quite a lot of time that is actually not at the job, unless as I mentioned he works 80-90 hours a week. I mean 20-30 minutes a day to write an email, a phonecall etc. Talk before going to bed. I know my dad is insane, literally. He goes up at 5.30 to work out an hour before work. Work from 7am-5pm and works out another 2 hrs after that. Gets home, eats dinner and start working around the house until 9, then he takes a bath and talks to his girlfriend, virtually fiance, for 30-60 minutes before going to bed.

About the meeting, don't dwell on it too much. It's going to be just fine if you're just yourself. The more you're afraid of something going wrong, the more likely it's going to go wrong.
Like when you have to speak in front of a big group of people and you're afraid you'll say the wrong things or stutter and well wouldn't you know it, suddenly you stutter.

[LuvSsw]

I am so thankful for all your responses. I had been holding this in and had no one to talk to about it and it is so generous of you guys to give me this feedback. I forgot to mention that the new job that he works at is from like 2pm to 10pm Monday-Friday..and I am taking classes during the week as well. But we used to text all the time throughout the day..even with this schedule and we'd just started skyping only about a month a go..we've done that about 3 times. I have raised my concerns about this change in our communication to him a few times..and he just keeps saying that he is tired...or he likes to watch his favorite shows on TV and therefore doesn't want to be 'tied to any communication device'. So the weekend..when he doesn't work...he now devotes to other things. I mean...I'm mega nervous about our meeting too..but that just makes me want to talk to him more..is that a female thing? Do guys withdraw when they feel that way?Will bringing it up to him again just push him away? All of these things were starting to scare me and I just knew he had fallen out of love with me and my worst thoughts were that he was just going through the motions with this meeting and then afterwards I wouldn't hear from him again. You all are helping to restore my positive approach to my situation. Thank you again...

[LuvSsw]

[QUOTE=Swederica;156755]Unless he got a job that forces him to work some 80-90 hours a week I can't see how he would be that busy. Yes new job, yes tired afterwards. Still though, it's quite a lot of time that is actually not at the job, unless as I mentioned he works 80-90 hours a week. I mean 20-30 minutes a day to write an email, a phonecall etc. Talk before going to bed. ............

These have been my thoughts exactly.....and we used to communicate in some form everyday...what does this all mean then? A loss of interest?

About the meeting, don't dwell on it too much. It's going to be just fine if you're just yourself. The more you're afraid of something going wrong, the more likely it's going to go wrong.


Thank you for this....I will try hard to employ this advice~

[loveknowsnodistance27]

I'm sure he's just busy and stressed with the new job. My SO is busy with his schoolwork and a job, so I'm in the same boat. We used to text nonstop last year, but now I barely hear from him at all. I've gotten used to it, though I'm not thrilled that I barely get to hear from him. Also, my SO seems to have gotten very comfortable in the relationship, so maybe he doesn't feel the need to text me constantly anymore. That's possible that your SO may be feeling that way too. He's also probably nervous too about meeting you! Heck, whenever I go visit my SO or when he comes home for break, I still get nervous and we've been together 14 and a half months, and have been best friends for almost 13 years now. But, it's the best feeling in the world when we do finally get to see each other. No need to be nervous, it'll be so much fun! =]

[Swederica]

These have been my thoughts exactly.....and we used to communicate in some form everyday...what does this all mean then? A loss of interest?

There can be several reasons beyond or along with new work that keeps him busy. He can be comfortable in the current position, in other words doesn't need you to the same extent as he used to.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he doesn't love you anymore nor am I saying that I'm correct. Just that there are several stages in a relationship, and he might just be one stage ahead of you. I know my former girlfriend was and I went through the same sort of neglect. Once more don't let the word "former" scare you as the reason we broke up is not related to the neglect.
I'd just talk to him, if I were you, about it and tell him how you feel. Obviously that's the only way he'll know how you feel and that you need more attention than he's giving you currently. 20-30 mins is not much to ask for from the person you love and the person who loves you.

[Haley53]

On top of what everyone else has said, there's also the fact that nerves can do strange things to people. I would say in the month before I went to see my partner, we both responded to the tension and nerves by disagreeing about things that didn't even matter. Though I can't say we ever had full-fledged arguments, we certainly bickered like children leading up to the visit. It was almost nightly the week before! Yet when we met and touched and held one another and kissed for the very first time, our nerves melted away. We got along splendidly, our chemistry was wonderfully present, and the month went better than I could ever have hoped for. I would say it was one of the happiest times of my life, and I was terrified it would go wrong because of all the bickering that'd led up to it. So perhaps the nerves themselves could be another reason for your SO's behaviour? The same way you may be wanting more frequent reassurance, or the same reassurance you've had throughout the rest of the time, he may be retreating a bit, not only to make room for the downtime he requires after a day at work, but simply because it may be his way of dealing with the anxiety, and I think we all know that simultaneously wonderful and horrible twisty gut feeling at meeing your partner for the first time. XD Though work may play into it, it may also be, subconsciously, the nerves as well, because I can tell you my boyfriend and I don't bicker like that often and we only had one "big" disagreement on my holiday, which was down to me/personal reasons.

[LuvSsw]

Ok....I am feeling calmer now and doing alot less freaking out you guys! Thank you! Oh you've given me much to think about. Y'know when I'm alone with my thoughts, it can get crazy. Perhaps as Swederica has said, my SO is one stage beyond me. Maybe I'm still honeymooning and he isn't. I woke up this morning and my heart plummeted when I realized that he still hadn't responded to a text that I sent him yesterday.So I then signed in to the forum and was so happy to see responses The support is helping me make it through my day. And Eclaire's perspective on what nerves can do.....wow...it actually gives me hope. I'll take 'hope' over the feeling that I'm losing my love! ~ loveknowsnodistance27 maybe he has gotten comfortable in the relationship, and that's a good thing yes? I suppose it would be insane for me to expect it to never get to that level. I guess i was just feeling a little needy/neglected. I'm trying to stay busy. I'm encouraged by the amounts of time you've been with your SO's. The excitement is coming back. I hope I can hold on to that feeling this week until I'm standing in front of him *gasp*

[Swederica]

I hope everything works out for you two!

[princessmeg1328]

Everyone else has given you great advice! Nerves do a lot of awkward and horrible things. You'll be together soon, and sometimes talking face to face about these types of things are for the best. Try not to get too freaked out about it. When you're together, you'll know if it's right. Good luck to you!

[LuvSsw]

Ok....11/4 is the official date. I'm flying to see him....(oh wow seeing it typed on the screen like that just gave me a jolt!) I find myself looking at pictures of him over and over trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will be seeing that face ....in person. Thank you all for your positive and honest replies. I will give you an update when it's all said and done....and I hope I'll be all smileyfaces

[loveknowsnodistance27]

loveknowsnodistance27 maybe he has gotten comfortable in the relationship, and that's a good thing yes? I suppose it would be insane for me to expect it to never get to that level.

That is a very good thing that he feels that way! =] I'm still not quite to that point yet...I'm a lot like you and I worry about losing him so much. I get insecure sometimes, but I am getting better about not worrying if I don't hear from him. It's a work in progress and there are some days I wonder if I will ever feel as secure and comfortable as my SO does, but I know I will over time. Hang in there, you can do it! You guys are together about 6 months, right? I didn't notice this change in my SO until about 13 months into it or so. I guess for some it's easier than others. You have plenty of time, and you will get there too in time. Have a great visit, which I know you will!