Why cant i stop crying?? i feel pathetic.... </3

[lysie]

I am really down tonight. my day was awful and i am finding it very hard to be "ok"
No i dont suffer from depression, or anything similar....

I think my heart is breaking, (not sure if anyone can relate)

Today i woke up all positive and happy. I rang my SO and he said he was busy..... I told him that i had somthing important to talk to him about. and asked if he could pull the car over and just listen for a short while. because i really needed to ask him somthing.

He said i would have to wait for later when it was a better time to talk. Latly i have felt like he puts everything before me.... so i was sure i should make a stand and pretty much demanded him to give me some time then and there.....he hung up on me.
i re-rang and the conversation just spiraled downwards.

I am due to go visit him in 5 days. he told me that if i cant understand and stop acting stupid then he would leave me.

i still dont understand why he couldnt give me a short amount of his time just to help me get through some of the worries i have with coming to see him.... an argument started and he eventually said the words "i hate you" and dont bother coming to see me. which killed me inside....

I rang a couple of hours later and he was just getting ready for bed. He told me everything he was doing and why he couldnt talk. it made sense. but i am still feeling neglected and very hurt by what he said. before the convo ended he told me that i needed to grow up and control my behavoir, and if i dont he will not be picking me up from the air port..... he will leave a sign that says "your stupid"
the more i tried to explain how i was feeling the more he seemed to get angry and eventually he told me he was going to sleep and would talk to me tomorrow.

so now i am sitting here i cannot stop crying, my chest is in pain and i really dont know what to do next. I love this guy so much. the distance recently had been very hard for me. the communication is very slim also.

he says he does not want to talk about "serious issues" on the phone especailly after a hard day at work. and i am craving him to just be there for me like he use to be.

i have spent almost 4grand on this upcoming trip and i dont know what to do..... any advice...

[Laura_N]

With all the kindness, but honestly... Saying "I hate you" to someone you love is something you should never say. Ever. I was quite horrified when I read this post. The way your guy is acting is really unfair for you, and it sounds kind of immature from him to be escaping problems. When he is driving a car, it's not the best moment to start talking about things, but still... I don't know why he would tell you you must grow up and control your behaviour, because I don't know you, but at least the way he put things was bad. But whatever the situation, it sounds alarming. You're not pathetic, and I'd cry my eyes off if my SO told me things like that. *hugs*

Has this situation been going on for a longer period?

If he is neglecting you, perhaps you should consider writing a letter, like a long e-mail where you could explain how you are feeling. It might be good for you to put your thoughts down in peace and quiet without being scared of him interrupting you, and it could make him see the big picture. You should try not to attack or blame him, as it will make it sound bad, but usually starting things with "I feel..." sounds better than saying "you don't do this and that". It's really time to have a talk with him because the way he talked to you was totally unacceptable, and he must understand it. You don't treat your loved one like that.

Loads of hugs to you xxx

[Sunnyside193]

I dont think its fair or appropriate for him to be saying those sorts of things too you for a start. I can understand about not talking about serious issues on the phone. I think all you can do is wait until you see him in person and try then to voice your concerns. He is normally like this or is this different for him because if he is acting different there is most likely something bugging or concerning him atm. Hopefully you can work it out and have a good visit

[LilyChiba]

To be honest, that's kind of how I felt this morning. Me and my SO knew I was going to be doing an 8 hour car trip (min) today. I asked if we could yahoo call before I left this morning and he didn't get on until about an hour before I left (when he was supposed to be home about 2-3 hours prior). I left without a word to him and just left a message in chat (I came home later to see why he was not on and that he had thought I was mad at him). He called me whilst I was on my way to pick up the other car with my mum and I ignored it, since I would be driving. Talked to him a little when we stopped for lunch and then whilst on the road, told him to try and call me. Yahoo on the phone, first time I had ever used it. It was amazing to be able to talk to him whilst driving. I was alone in the car, my mother was in the other car. And I had headphones in to listen to music, so I was on handsfree. So I don't see why someone couldn't do that in reality for someone else.

[Engel]

he sounds childish.

a "youre stupid"sign, really?



like, Really?? -.-

[snow_girl]

I can understand him not pulling over while driving as it is not always safe to do so, but he sounds extremely childish. Can you refund your flight? If not see how the trip goes, if you aren't feeling it then say so long.

[lysie]

He came online recently, and has pretty much ranted off to me about how i was intending to make him angry on purpose. in all honesty i did act a little childish i think. this has been going on for some time either since he started working full time. we have both spent alot of money on going back n forth for visits. so he wants to put all his time and energy into working to get here. but he believes in doing this i think he shouldnt have to be stressed from me. i do my best.....

i am only human. i do tend to ask the same questions which he answers regularly which i know makes him angry but at the time they seem valid.

I am beginning to wonder if the distance is really ruining the way our conversations are being perceived. so i am guessing the best bet is to just wait until im there to talk about everything in person.

[rhomy]

He is telling you to "grow up" and he says "I hate you" and "I'll put a sign saying Your stupid"?
I guess he is the one who needs to mature.
I can understand he is busy and he also may feel nervous about you going there. (don't think it's just you, that goes both ways) But he should have been a little more comprehensive. Or at least try not to hurt you.
Probably you are both sensitive and overwhelmed but it's not a reason to treat you badly.
I would go and see what happens, try to speak "face to face" and then you'll see.

I hope everything goes perfectly, best vibes for you!
Good luck!

[JEREIANEDREI]

I feel you honey...at the moment we're having the same situation...lots of hugs to you...
Good luck to us... :'(

[carolynred]

Wow, I honestly cannot imagine going through what you did. I did have something similar happen to me, only it was not a LDR (even though it felt like it at some points). The most important thing to do, which I neglected to do, is communicate face-to-face. Phone calls, messages, and facebook IM just doesn't cut it for these types of things(in my opinion). Take this opportunity to have that face-to-face interaction. I have a feeling it will clear things up between you two by A LOT!

Remember, try to focus on taking care of yourself for right now. You sound like a very caring person who puts others before yourself because you want them to be happy. Don't let this upset you too too much. There is going to be rough patches in any relationship, and this is probably one of them. Take a deep breathe, and remember, while your relationship is important, so are you.

You will make it though this, it looks like a lot of people are here for you

[Semperfikindoflove]

Ok so reading this post I was in shock that this would happen to such a sweet person as you! I have some experience with this so I can give you some advice.

My ex was like this after he got back from boot camp. When I called him, he always had something to do even when he wasn't working. Whether it was hanging with the guys or just messing around, I barely talked to him. When he had a life threatening issue come up, that's when he changed but it was only for a few weeks. When I went to see him, everything was perfect. Once he came to visit back home, I didn't matter to him at all. We got in the car and he told me he hated me, he called me names, told me to shut the f*** up. He really was neglecting me every chance he got. It really hurt. Now we're broken up and there are days I see photos and miss the good memories but the other days I don't really care. He treated me badly and I found the one person I kept leaving for me ex was always amazing, he was my best friend.

Don't ever let anyone treat you like that. You don't deserve that at all. I wouldn't see him if he only puts in a real effort when you are there because that is not a good relationship when that is happening. Good luck, if you need to talk let me know!

[Minerva]

You know what? He sounds straight up abusive. Unless you're 12, you don't talk to people the way he talks to you.

And this right here is a HUGE RED FLAG:

He came online recently, and has pretty much ranted off to me about how i was intending to make him angry on purpose.

That's something abusers tell their victims: "it's YOUR fault for making me angry!" Don't buy this line. He can't control his temper and he says hurtful things and THAT'S HIS FAULT.

You seem cowed and meek and it makes me wonder how long this has gone on. You're buying into what he's saying and making excuses for how he treats you. It's not the distance. He's an asshole. Sorry, you just don't talk to people you love the way he talks to you. If you love someone, you don't toy with them the way he's toying with you. No one deserves to be treated like this.

This relationship is very, very toxic, and I can't see how it will get better. He's blaming you for how he's acting and you're letting him. Most people with a healthy ego and mind wouldn't put up with this kind of treatment. I'm not saying this is your fault -- not at all. It's just either your esteem is so low or he's broken you down to think there is something OK with how he's treating you. And it's not OK.

I'm usually better at phrasing things, but my head is scattered lately, so I'll just be blunt. He's emotionally abusive. That often escalates into physical abuse. He's not sorry for how he's acting. You're excusing his behaviour and trying to make things work with him, to the point of sounding desperate. I'm really worried for you.

Let me say this one more time: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THE WAY HE'S TREATING YOU. It's not your fault. And there is no excuse.

Please be careful and take care of yourself.

[lysie]

Thankyou everyone. I rang today altho i tried my hardest not to.... he acted like everything was ok. Which confuses me a great deal. Said to ring back in a couple of hours as he was busy driving home from work.

I am feeling very ill today from all the crying yesterday, and i am trying to process everything.
I wish i could just get on with my days without worrying over this shit as there are only 4 to go till i travel that 30hour flight.... i keep praying for things to look clearer.

Best case scenario is its all in my head
Worst case scenario is it isnt and i will be in canada for a month alone :S
Altho i get along with his family very well so i guess things will be ok.

I just keep wondering what i did wrong? and how to fix it.

I am the type of person who wants to resolve issues as soon as possible but apparently this one cant be resolved right away.

he keeps telling me i just dont get it..... when i ask what there is to get he gets shitty. maybe there is somthing wrong with me.

[lysie]

You know what? He sounds straight up abusive. Unless you're 12, you don't talk to people the way he talks to you.

And this right here is a HUGE RED FLAG:



That's something abusers tell their victims: "it's YOUR fault for making me angry!" Don't buy this line. He can't control his temper and he says hurtful things and THAT'S HIS FAULT.

You seem cowed and meek and it makes me wonder how long this has gone on. You're buying into what he's saying and making excuses for how he treats you. It's not the distance. He's an asshole. Sorry, you just don't talk to people you love the way he talks to you. If you love someone, you don't toy with them the way he's toying with you. No one deserves to be treated like this.

This relationship is very, very toxic, and I can't see how it will get better. He's blaming you for how he's acting and you're letting him. Most people with a healthy ego and mind wouldn't put up with this kind of treatment. I'm not saying this is your fault -- not at all. It's just either your esteem is so low or he's broken you down to think there is something OK with how he's treating you. And it's not OK.

I'm usually better at phrasing things, but my head is scattered lately, so I'll just be blunt. He's emotionally abusive. That often escalates into physical abuse. He's not sorry for how he's acting. You're excusing his behaviour and trying to make things work with him, to the point of sounding desperate. I'm really worried for you.

Let me say this one more time: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THE WAY HE'S TREATING YOU. It's not your fault. And there is no excuse.

Please be careful and take care of yourself.

Thankyou. I spose deep down i just dont want to believe that. when we are together he is a completely different person. he says sweet things still amongst the fights. and he does apologise when he has gotten angry. just this last fight we have had its leaving me extremely scared and yes indeed vulnerable....

[Haley53]

Thankyou. I spose deep down i just dont want to believe that. when we are together he is a completely different person. he says sweet things still amongst the fights. and he does apologise when he has gotten angry. just this last fight we have had its leaving me extremely scared and yes indeed vulnerable....

I want to add to what Minerva said and mention that it's all a part of the cycle. You've got the intense period of abuse, oftentimes then the honeymoon or the make-up period, where it's "baby, I'm sorry" and a myriad of sweet things/gestures, and then you've got the "quiet time" where things are building, building, building until it gets to a point he gets set off again.

It is nothing you have done wrong. I understand that it is so much easier to believe that it's you, because if you accept it as your fault, then you feel maybe there's a chance. If there's something wrong with you, then it's something you can fix, and you don't have to accept it as being your partner or as part of the relationship. I did this for two years, saw things wrong with me and let him off the hook, but in the end, it was still the same. Nothing changed. He continued to treat me the same way he always had, continued to manipulate and abuse me, no matter how many times I tried to take the blame and fix what I hadn't even broken. The thing is that he has to own up to his actions and take responsibility for them, not after-the-fact/in that honeymoon phase, but after the argument. He's continuously making this out to be you, you, you. "It's your fault," "you do it on purpose," it's something "you're not getting." And someone like that does not have the capacity to change, or at least they're not looking to access it.