how did you find out s/he was cheating?

[Miramaid]

This is not a question about our current SO (even thought if that is the case, please share), but if you have ever caught your ex or current SO cheating, how did you find that out? Was it an accident? Or did you have a gut feeling and looked for evidence? Or did you go as far as hiring a private investigator or asking your friends to follow your partner? How did that happen?


I will share my story. I caught one of my exes on accident. I was working that day and he knew i was working so apparently he took that girl home and all. Usually I would be at his place and after us having sex, watching some movies and eating food, I would leave around 4 before his parents were home. The day I worked, my ex didn't know that the managers gave me a car and a driver to drive around and distribute our promotional materials to different locations. And just around 4 that day a driver with me in a car was passing by the bus stop near my boyfriend's at the time house. And here he was with that girl kissing her and hugging her and putting her on the bus before his parents were back home...No word were needed I knew exactly what was happening before that. I asked the driver to stop the car, got out and walked right to him and told him that i hated him and said to that girl that she was just one of many. I was in so much pain! Too bad I had no courage to actually yell at him and slap his face or kick his balls. I so wish i did. That was the end of our relationship. Two years later he found and and apologized asking me if there was a chance for us. But there was no going back for me.
_____________________________
P.S. i spoke to him on hte phone that day before work and he was all lovy dowy as always saying "i love you" and stuff...We did not have any issues so it came as a total shock to me

[rhomy]

Mmm... well for me it was totally a gut feeling.
He was having a "drugs issue" by that time and his personality has totally changed. And he was going out so much (he always did but this time I felt it was different) so one day I just used his e-mail password. I've had it for months but never used it, and that day I just felt it.
When I opened his account there was an e-mail from a girl who lived in my parents city. (I met him in University) And the e-mail said a lot of sweet things including a last sentence saying: "I miss you everyday a little bit more, love you"
As I didn't know what to do by that time (I was 20 and not very experimented in relationships) I waited patiently and 2 days after, I sat next to him while he was checking his e-mails and playing dumb I asked "what is that e-mail about? The one which has "I miss you" as a subject?"
He inmediately deleted it. GUILTY move! And I said," I wanna see it! it is still in the Recycle bin". And he printed the e-mail and tried to play it cool and saying she was a friend he helped getting a job in Spain and whatever.
I just couldn't believe the stupid story he told me!

I tried to leave him but he played the "rehab card" and made me feel guilty for leaving him while he was in recovery. (YEAH! SICK RELATIONSHIP, I KNOW!) But after several months I fell in love with another guy and left him.
And now I see how fucked up everything was, and btw... he never recovered. He is still a MAJOR LEAGUE junkie. So I'm glad I walked away.

I'm not sure if I would have hired a private investigator or that because I think that makes you go crazy. The big problem is trust. As soon as you stop trusting your partner, I don't think anything a private investigator would say would help you feel calm (in case he didn't find anything) and definitely I trust my guts hehe.
Now (that I try to be a way more mature person, lol) I wouldn't check his e-mail either.
I trust my SO completely. But trust is earned and even being more than 6000 miles apart (where he could cheat and nobody would know) I know he is not cheating.
I think guys are worse cheaters than girls. I mean, they do stupid things as "walking the other girl to the bus and kiss her in the street" or just leave an e-mail from the other girl in their accounts.
Sometimes I think they wanna get caught... :S

[ChibiFelicia]

For me i just had a feeling he was with someone else. I was young (16) and it was a long time ago and he just told me he did. Well at first he told me a new girl started at his work place then he started getting friendly then stopped talking about her. A while later he just told me.

[Dauntedpoet]

I had no clue.. believed my ex completely about everything. I posted on his myspace page and noticed a post from one of his female friends. No big deal, he had lots of female friends..until I noticed her photo..of her looking all sexy laying in bed.. was in OUR BED in our bedroom. I divorced him and have had trust issues ever since.

[Semperfikindoflove]

For me it was my ex with my best friend's mother like figure. My best friend was in love with me and he found out. He told my ex that he had better tell me or he would do it because I was too amazing of a person to do that to. My best friend defended my honor and I owe him so much for protecting me. My ex and I are still good friends to this day because I forgave him and he went on deployment, I feel that sometimes if people make a mistake that they wouldn't normally make because an error in judgement I can give them another chance. It was worth it, it doesn't mean you're weak at all, it means you have the strength to move past something that hard. I honestly just let it go and trusted him again. We figured out we were better as friends and now my best friend and I are making it work It's all worked out perfectly for me!

[MadMolly]

I just knew he was by the way he was acting. We were living together at the time. We were lying in bed and he was texting so I just glanced over his shoulder, saw the dirty text, flipped the F out and demanded to read the rest of them. Ouch.

[Sharon Q]

I found out the last guy I dated before my SO and I got back together was cheating from my SO
see we've been off and on for three years. At one of the points when he and I were off I dated this guy named Josh.


Josh was friends with my current SO's friend Jayson. Jayson had told my now SO what Josh was really like. He of course told me and I thought he was just upset I was with someone else. I got mad at him, Then a few days later this girl messaged me and told me the whole story. I had come to find out that he was a total manwhore and even had some girl pregnant.

I don't talk to him anymore.

I'm very happy my SO was there for me

[Malaga]

until I noticed her photo..of her looking all sexy laying in bed.. was in OUR BED in our bedroom.

Jesus what a stupid douche!

[Dziubka]

I'll start of by saying that I've never actually been in the situation, but...


...I think it wouldn't matter to me if my boyfriend actually was cheating on me. If I had a suspicion I'd ask him about it. If he can't present a logical explanation for whatever it was that made me suspicious, then I'd consider him a cheater.
Basically... if I couldn't trust my boyfriend, then there's no sense in keeping the relationship up. It doesn't matter whether I don't trust him because he really is a cheater or because I'm paranoid or hysteric.
Either we can't be happy because he's a cheater and I'm not ok with that, or we can't be happy because my paranoia is destroying our relationship. So what's the difference really if the outcome is the same anyway?

[MadMolly]

^ I agree completely!

[heylittlekrissy]

I'll start of by saying that I've never actually been in the situation, but...


...I think it wouldn't matter to me if my boyfriend actually was cheating on me. If I had a suspicion I'd ask him about it. If he can't present a logical explanation for whatever it was that made me suspicious, then I'd consider him a cheater.
Basically... if I couldn't trust my boyfriend, then there's no sense in keeping the relationship up. It doesn't matter whether I don't trust him because he really is a cheater or because I'm paranoid or hysteric.
Either we can't be happy because he's a cheater and I'm not ok with that, or we can't be happy because my paranoia is destroying our relationship. So what's the difference really if the outcome is the same anyway?

I'm going to have to politely disagree with this here. While I do think trust is very important in a relationship, I also feel that if you're willing to let someone regain your trust and if they're willing to work for it, in time, it can be done, but only is both parties are completely willing to give it another go. I also think that one's paranoia is something that can be worked on, if you're willing to do so.
But in the same token, I do agree that if you do have some suspicions and they cannot provide any explanation, that should probably raise a red flag.
I just think that this is up to each individual/couple to determine if the situation arises.

[Dziubka]

I completely agree that you can regain trust and that paranoia or extreme jealousy is something you can work on and overcome.
But only if the partner with the paranoia or jealousy issues actually realizes that it's them that's having issues and not their SO being unfaithful.
You can also regain trust after one of you has cheated. It doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is over (well, it depends on the people invovled. If you can't forgive cheating, that's fine).
Generally what I wrote is obviously, how I see it. I don't believe in re-gaining trust for me. My trust is so hard to lose, that once someone does manage to lose it, regaining it isnt an option. If it works for others, more power to them

I've been on the receiving end of this. At some point my ex became convinced that I was cheating on him. We were long distance at the time (but had been CD for a year) and apparently because I didn't send him a text every hour or talk on the phone for hours every day, that was a sure sign I was being unfaithful.
Well... I tried to explain that it wasn't the case, but he wouldn't believe me.
His accusations were completely unjustified and I was very hurt by them. It made me realise that there's no future for us. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that low of me. Maybe if he had realized that it was only his insecurity and apologised to me, I would have stayed with him. But unfortunately (or fortunately, for things turned out pretty well for both of us) he didn't, so there was no future for us.

[heylittlekrissy]

I completely agree that you can regain trust and that paranoia or extreme jealousy is something you can work on and overcome.
But only if the partner with the paranoia or jealousy issues actually realizes that it's them that's having issues and not their SO being unfaithful.
You can also regain trust after one of you has cheated. It doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is over (well, it depends on the people invovled. If you can't forgive cheating, that's fine).
Generally what I wrote is obviously, how I see it. I don't believe in re-gaining trust for me. My trust is so hard to lose, that once someone does manage to lose it, regaining it isnt an option. If it works for others, more power to them

I've been on the receiving end of this. At some point my ex became convinced that I was cheating on him. We were long distance at the time (but had been CD for a year) and apparently because I didn't send him a text every hour or talk on the phone for hours every day, that was a sure sign I was being unfaithful.
Well... I tried to explain that it wasn't the case, but he wouldn't believe me.
His accusations were completely unjustified and I was very hurt by them. It made me realise that there's no future for us. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that low of me. Maybe if he had realized that it was only his insecurity and apologised to me, I would have stayed with him. But unfortunately (or fortunately, for things turned out pretty well for both of us) he didn't, so there was no future for us.

And while I did not doubt you had reason behind your argument before, this presents a clear view to me as to why you feel that way, and I definitely do see your side on this matter also

[Bobbiejeanne]

Well, my story is no where as exciting as your guy's stories.... right after it happened, he called me. No slapping, no sexy texts, no red flags... just that!

For the most part, I believe most cheaters are repeat offenders, they have some form of fear of commitment, or low self-esteem and they believe cheating is the only way to stay happy.
My situation, while is cheating, doesn't seem to have those big red flags...and I think we can work past the mistrust I have for him, and that we can move on from this.
But I know my situation is 1 in a 100, and if it was anyone else other than him... I probably would have probably dumped that boy's sorry ass (pardon my french)

[Miramaid]

Well, my story is no where as exciting as your guy's stories.... right after it happened, he called me. No slapping, no sexy texts, no red flags... just that!

For the most part, I believe most cheaters are repeat offenders, they have some form of fear of commitment, or low self-esteem and they believe cheating is the only way to stay happy.
My situation, while is cheating, doesn't seem to have those big red flags...and I think we can work past the mistrust I have for him, and that we can move on from this.
But I know my situation is 1 in a 100, and if it was anyone else other than him... I probably would have probably dumped that boy's sorry ass (pardon my french)

WOW! Some people actually come out and confess right away? WOW!