"But You're Not Engaged ..."

[Semperfikindoflove]

I guess I was very lucky growing up with parents who are very understanding and are also aware of the changing times as well as the divorce rates. You highlighted what I said before about living together before marriage and making sure you can coexist. Another good thing about living together before marriage is that you are able to smooth out the rough patches in living together before jumping in for a life long commitment. I agree with the statement that you can go back home and all of that if it doesn't work. You aren't stuck in something you want to get out of.

Here's another thing I DO NOT understand. A ring (it's a symbol of marriage, it's a symbol of intent to marry) is NOT a commitment in itself. I had a girl today say that she had been engaged to this Marine recruit, she was pregnant, and they were supposed to have a life together. He just sent to a "Dear Jane" letter from boot camp (for all those who don't know it's basically a break up letter in some form usually to a military personnel but this time positions were swapped). She is now unengaged and pregnant with his child. It is not a guarantee of a life together by any means. So my overall argument would be do what you need to do girl to be happy with your life and don't let anyone stop you. No ring and no material object is worth more than the love between the two of you.

[Sierra]

I have to say when I moved in with my SO I was a little worried because we had never had that "our future" talk before. It seemed to me that most couples on here that had closed the distance were either engaged, or had at least talked about the possibility. I did want some sort of commitment from my SO, I mean I left a whole lot behind to come down here. But I didn't need an engagement or anything. Just a "I'm in this for a long haul" type of deal.

And my friends and family were (are) extremely supportive, thankfully. Maybe if you can convince them that you two have a serious relationship, they'll back off a little. But in the end, you're going to do what's best for you.

I don't need a ring on my finger, but I do know that he and I are in this relationship because we see ourselves getting married. This was actually a "condition" of us even entering into a relationship. My mom's point was this: If you're the one giving up everything, your life, your job, your home, you should have a ring. Well what if it were him? They wouldn't expect me to give him anything lol.

I tried to tell my mother that my boyfriend and I talk about getting married, it's not like we're just messing around and wasting time but she didn't want to hear it. I'll keep trying though.

Yeah I myself don't get the whole get married before you move in with each other thing. Although I personally won't have a choice in the matter, I would have prefered to live with him for a time before jumping in for the long haul. You just get to see what you are in for in the long run, as opposed to getting married, moving in and not liking where you are. If you're in the same country and don't have to worry about visas and the sort, I'd say go for it. Live with him and find out how compatible you two really are. Absolutely nothing wrong with it and if things don't work, you can always go back home. Simple. I don't think family sees that though.

We don't have any visas to contend with AND I have something to come back to. I just feel like true love is worth the risk, and expected much more support than I got from a family that seems so liberal.

Oftentimes the people we love have a different opinion of what's good for us than we do They also have trouble seeing the children in their life as responsible adults. That's OK, they're only trying to protect and guide you as best they know how. That doesn't make them right though, and you have to do what's right for you, and if you make a mistake, you learn from it and move on, that's life. I would let them know firmly, calmly and logically why you're moving and that your mind is made up. Let them know you appreciate their concern, but this is something you need to do. There's nothing wrong with living together anymore, but sometimes older people still see it as a bit taboo, especially when they don't really get LDR's and the special difficulties they have. Do what you need to, and good luck!

I think this has a lot to do with why my mom is having problems with the whole thing. But the truth is, I'm 27. I'm not a child and it's time that I live my adult life the best that I can. I guess I hoped that my family would be excited for me to start this new part of my life with someone I really care about who treats me well and was kind of taken aback by the lack of support - when they've been supportive of our long distance relationship. Part of me wants to ask them, what did you guys think was going to happen? One of us has to move to make this work and it's easiest for me.

I've been trying to explain that this is a decision I'm really excited about and proud of. I do think my mother felt guilty last night because I just broke down crying saying how unhappy I was and here's my chance at happiness and everyone is discouraging me over something silly. I also did tell her that this is the decision that I've made, and while I'm open to things changing in the future, as it stands right now this is the path I'm choosing and I love her dearly but I have to strike out on my own, just like she did herself.

I agree with moving in and testing the waters before getting married if that is your choice. I'd like to move in with my boyfriend sometime, even before marriage, but I don't think we'd get to do that (for long) because of immigration laws and what not. As for your family's reaction: I definitely agree with what everyone else said about you having to decide what is best for you and that unfortunately means not everyone's going to being happy with it or even agreeing/supporting your decision. You can't lead life by making everyone happy. It sucks, I know. Believe me, I feel the same way like you do. Sometimes I want to bang my fist on the table and scream in their ears "Damn you, I just want acknowledgment and respect for the way I live my life!" But, oh well, I can't depend on their reassurance all my life. I'm going to get their opinions and listen to their tale of experiences because they're important people to me, but ultimately I have to do what I think is best for me.

I also see another perspective to this. I don't know your family, but if it were my family who were being old-fashioned in that regard (they're usually very progressive) I'd rage and rant same as you and be depressed at first but once I'd calm down I try to put myself in their shoes. This is usually what I do when confronted with disapproval. Maybe they're just afraid and want to know you're cared for. You're going to move far away from them where they can't keep an eye on you. Maybe that's where they're coming from with the old 1950s mindset. IDK. It's what my family would do. IDK if your family would do the same...

I do see my family's point of view, this is a big change and I'm giving up a lot for a relationship. I'm sure they are all worried I'm being impulsive and going to regret this decision or my boyfriend and I are going to break up. I wish they could see it from my eyes and understand the love that he and I have for each other. While my path may not be the path they would have chosen for themselves or for me, not all of us are lucky enough to find the people we are meant to be with local to us.

I don't want to compromise for convenience, I'd rather fight and work hard for something truly special. I know that I'll move past their feelings about the situation and be excited for myself, but it's going to take me some time to get there. I wish I didn't need and crave my families approval, but I do and I can't change that. I just want the people I love to be happy that I'm happy.

I do know that I'm going to continue to talk about being excited to move and hopefully someone will come around and start everyone else coming around too. I just don't wan t to leave with everyone whispering in my ear: "You're making a mistake" when for the first time I feel like I'm not.

I guess I was very lucky growing up with parents who are very understanding and are also aware of the changing times as well as the divorce rates. You highlighted what I said before about living together before marriage and making sure you can coexist. Another good thing about living together before marriage is that you are able to smooth out the rough patches in living together before jumping in for a life long commitment. I agree with the statement that you can go back home and all of that if it doesn't work. You aren't stuck in something you want to get out of.

Here's another thing I DO NOT understand. A ring (it's a symbol of marriage, it's a symbol of intent to marry) is NOT a commitment in itself. I had a girl today say that she had been engaged to this Marine recruit, she was pregnant, and they were supposed to have a life together. He just sent to a "Dear Jane" letter from boot camp (for all those who don't know it's basically a break up letter in some form usually to a military personnel but this time positions were swapped). She is now unengaged and pregnant with his child. It is not a guarantee of a life together by any means. So my overall argument would be do what you need to do girl to be happy with your life and don't let anyone stop you. No ring and no material object is worth more than the love between the two of you.

I would think that my mother would have been much more progressive in her thinking, but I guess when it comes to her own daughter, she's not.

I agree with you, a ring is NOT a guarantee. Hell, I know someone who agreed to marry someone one day and LITERALLY was dating another man the next day. I need to do what makes me happy, that's what I have to pursue, that's the path I have to follow. I know it might not be for everyone and I don't expect it to be, I just want a "Hey, I'm proud of you, good luck"

I just hope they come around in the next few months and don't keep nagging me about this. I don't even want my boyfriend to know my family is turning this into an issue.

[lucybelle]

We don't have any visas to contend with AND I have something to come back to. I just feel like true love is worth the risk, and expected much more support than I got from a family that seems so liberal.

It is.

[Ms.Justine]

So let them be shocked! Look, there is not much you can do to change there minds in this situation. It may shock them, or make them uncomfortable or whatever, but you just kind of have to accept that not everyone is going to approve of your decisions. That's just part of life.

If I were you, I would have a talk with them and say, I love you and I respect your opinion but I also know that this is the right thing for me and that I may have a different view than you on living together before marriage. I accept that you wouldn't have chose this for me and I don't need you to approve, I just want to know that I have your support and that you'll still be there for me.

Hopefully, they can give you their support and love even if they don't agree with what you're doing.

Agreed, Well said!

[Moon]

I think this has a lot to do with why my mom is having problems with the whole thing. But the truth is, I'm 27. I'm not a child and it's time that I live my adult life the best that I can. I guess I hoped that my family would be excited for me to start this new part of my life with someone I really care about who treats me well and was kind of taken aback by the lack of support - when they've been supportive of our long distance relationship. Part of me wants to ask them, what did you guys think was going to happen? One of us has to move to make this work and it's easiest for me.

The problem is that parents of adult kids sometimes don't know when to let go, as a parent of an adult kid, I'll tell ya, it's HARD But, that's not your problem, it's your Mom's. Yeah, it's a problem for you in that she's not being supportive, but the letting go part is something she's gotta figure out for herself. At 27, you're more than old enough and mature enough to make this decision on your own, you have to do it, regardless of how she feels. If she's otherwise a reasonable person, she'll get used to it and come around. You aren't a child, but you are her child, and always will be. As parents, we kind of always think we know better than our kids, and when we realize that sometimes we don't....well, it's a bit of a shock! Again, not your problem. Just be very matter-of-fact about it, don't be too emotional and don't leave much room for discussion. And, I think you SHOULD ask her what she thought was going to happen, it's a good and valid question.

In short, stick to your guns and go forward with your life. It might be hard on your mom, but that's something all parents have to inevitably deal with. There may be nothing you can say to make this better in the short term, but after its all said and done, and she's used to it, it'll all be fine.

[Jgui]

We're not living in the 1940s anymore. This is the 21st century people don't have to be engaged or married to live together. I was living with my ex-boyfriend for 5.5 years; I moved in with him after dating for 3 months.

Most people believe that they should move in after getting engage to see if they are gonna kill each other before tying the knot. I personally think that's a bit too late. Haha! Move in then engage should be the new plan

[Sierra]

The problem is that parents of adult kids sometimes don't know when to let go, as a parent of an adult kid, I'll tell ya, it's HARD But, that's not your problem, it's your Mom's. Yeah, it's a problem for you in that she's not being supportive, but the letting go part is something she's gotta figure out for herself. At 27, you're more than old enough and mature enough to make this decision on your own, you have to do it, regardless of how she feels. If she's otherwise a reasonable person, she'll get used to it and come around. You aren't a child, but you are her child, and always will be. As parents, we kind of always think we know better than our kids, and when we realize that sometimes we don't....well, it's a bit of a shock! Again, not your problem. Just be very matter-of-fact about it, don't be too emotional and don't leave much room for discussion. And, I think you SHOULD ask her what she thought was going to happen, it's a good and valid question.

In short, stick to your guns and go forward with your life. It might be hard on your mom, but that's something all parents have to inevitably deal with. There may be nothing you can say to make this better in the short term, but after its all said and done, and she's used to it, it'll all be fine.

Thanks. This is really helpful.