LDR a wreck...need opinions

[camryn90]

My hubby and I have been together married for 5 years. He joined the military, deployed, and then went on an unaccompanied tour. We have not been able to live together in 3 years. Our marriage was never perfect, but I honeslty enjoyed it until he moved to Germany.

When he first got there he turned into a completely different person. We argued constantly. He would hang up on me during phone or Skype conversations and block my number. He then began telling me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore and that he thought he might want a divorce. I was devastated. When he came home for a visit I discovered he had been calling a girl from his old high school 7-10 times a day. Sometimes they talked for hours, sometimes they used the webcam. He called me names to her and completely disrespected me. I considered it an emotional affair. He admitted that he would hang up on me and instantly go call her.

I didn't know if I could trust him again, but he cut off contact with her and began trying to repair things. I was so hurt and selfish that I ended up unintentionally doing the same thing to him with a man in my college class. When my hubby found out he was hurt. I apologized and did everything I could to make it up to him and have not done anything since to hurt him.

4 months later I thought things were going great. Then he started talking about this "pretty girl" with "awesome long hair" who reminded him of me. (She was the soon to be ex-wife of a fellow soldier who was going through issues.) He started calling her all the time and doing the exact same thing he did the first time. This time though he even spent time with her at her house alone and went out to dinner with her. I told him it made me uncomfortable and he told me that I am just controlling and ridiculous. He locked me out of his email, facebook, etc. which had always been open to me. He also started doing little immature things like deleting me as a friend on facebook when he was mad at me or deleting all male family members from mine. He would say horrible things to me and when I would cry he would tell me it was a joke and that I had no sense of humor. He eventually told me he cut contact with the woman, but when he came home to visit I found out he never did. She even left him a message saying she missed him already and good luck talking to me. I made the decision to leave him. After actually cutting contact with her and begging me to stay, I agreed...but I let him know that if he ever did anything like it again to me that I would file for divorce. (did I mention he spent all night at a widow's house "helping her through her issues")

Things seemed to get better. I had a weird feeling one day though and proceeded to reactivate his deleted facebook account. It showed he'd logged on several days earlier and all of his friends were exes or people he'd slept with. One conversation with one woman he told her that I chose not to move with him because I'm trying to keep my son (who is not his biological child) away from him. She asked him if he was still married and he told her no and that he was separated. The other conversation I found was completely sexual in nature. He was telling some woman what he wanted to do to her and vice versa and that they could make it happen.

Here I am though still not divorced. He apologized again but when I try to ask questions he gets mad and says I'm dwelling on it. I don't know if I can stay this time. I want to be with him, but I wish he was different. On top of all of that, he says horrible things to me and makes me feel like a sexual object. Tonight he even told me that he was laying there fantasizing about me and the 2nd woman he hurt me with.

I need opinions. Do I leave like I said I would? Do I take his word for it this time when he says nothing will ever happen like this again? I want someone who respects me and is proud to have me. I'm even afraid to try to have children with my husband because I have so many doubts about whether or not we will make it.

[sparklemepink22]

move on sweetheart... no woman deserves that...

[Zephii]

Sorry mate, but you need to leave him. Don't call him or give him the chance to hurt you or talk you out of it, serve him with divorce papers and get your life back. You owe it to yourself. <3

[Haley53]

The way I feel about it is that if cheating is forgiven once, it's seen as not necessarily an acceptable behaviour, but as a behaviour that's able to be forgiven. If cheating is forgiven more than once, then that thought process is only reinforced.

From where I stand, I cannot see him changing. I cannot see him ever accepting or seeing his behaviour as "wrong," primarily because it's something you've continued to forgive. Unfortunately he's learned that all it requires are some sweet nothings and a seemingly sincere apology, but if the apology were all that sincere, it would not have happened again or any time after that. It would have stopped with once and he would have made a significant effort to prove to you that he's worth it.

To me it sounds like you're both holding on to a dying marriage, or perhaps one that's already dead. I cannot see where he could possibly love you anymore or even care, really. As blunt as that is, you don't treat someone you love the way he's been treating you. You do not serial cheat. You do not attempt to manipulate and control through your cutting comments. You do not verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuse them and receive some form of brutal pleasure from it. He's told you you're being controlling and ridiculous as it is a projection and a denial of his own behaviour. He has minimised your feelings after pushing you to the point of feeling them, essentially laughing in your face because he was "kidding." He is not willing to accept his behaviour and that is why he is unwilling to talk about it. Of course it is your fault to want to communicate about that too, though, in his mind. And this man is not going away. I have the tendency to believe that people don't change that much fundamentally, that for those of us who end up in such relationships, we missed the red flags that may have appeared from the beginning, if we look for them, and in my opinion, the reason the distance has "caused" this to become an issue is because I think only when you're separated from being a biased source can you truly see what issues you're facing. And I think that the distance has done nothing more than make these issues more evident, because distance alone does not do this to a person, no matter how some people might disagree.

And look at you, too. Should someone in a healthy, stable, and committed relationship and with healthy, stable ideals be struggling so much with the decision at hand? There is no trust in the relationship anymore, and why should there be? But it's caused you to raid his Facebook, e-mails, etc. and flip when he shuts you out. That is not healthy. The words and the things that he's saying to you, the things that he's doing, you are internalising, rationalising, and denying the fact that they are not going to stop. That is not healthy. Look at the fact that you want someone who loves you, is proud to call you his own, respects you, etc. and look at the fact you're putting yourself through a relationship in which you're getting the opposite. You're scared to have children because you're scared it's not going to work. Listen to that, because your gut will tell you more than your heart ever will. I've never seen making decisions in relationships as being all head or all heart, but rather more based on the gut, because I think if we take the time to be honest with ourselves, emotions aside, all logic aside, we know what we have to do.

I think that you need to cut your losses and go, because I cannot sugarcoat the fact that this relationship is never going to get any better. Whether or not you think you have the potential to be happy with the marriage, he does not, and you cannot keep the relationship alive if it's a hundred per cent one sided. I say get a divorce and do what's best for the both of you. I watched my mother spend 19 years with a man who abused her, this family, and who cheated on her, and let me tell you that she was everything he did not deserve. I would guess that you are more than he deserves, too, and I think you owe it yourself and to your son to find a man who you're not afraid of, hurt by, demeaned by, cheated on by, etc.

Edit -- I want to add, too, that the decision won't be easy. Doing it won't be easy. Getting through it won't be a cake walk. But the best decisions in life are often the hardest ones to make, and if we can push through and break through the surface on our last final kick, then ultimately we will be able to see what was the blessing in disguise. I promise you that there is happiness beyond him and beyond this, and that this is only going to get worse if you do not put a stop to it.

[Mara]

I want to be with him, but I wish he was different.

This is always the sign of the end of any relationship even if the person in question wasn't a serial cheater and emotionally abusive, which he is.

You don't want to be with him, you want to be with who you thought he was and who you want him to be.

Leave now before things get any more complicated. I know it's hard. I know you scared of being alone, but seriously, anything is better than this. The man that you wish he was is out there somewhere, but you've gotta let go of the bad before you can catch and hold on to the good.

[xAngelx]

I would just try to move on <3

[Jgui]

I believe in the saying "once a cheater always a cheater." He has hurt you numorous times and cheated on you emotionally. I think being cheated on emotionally is almost worse than physically. I can't imagin having my SO divide his love and emotions with me and another woman.

It is very tough to move on from a relationship (especially married) but I feel at this point is better to leave than stay around and get hurt some more. Truly there is a other person out there who will treat you like a real lady and give you undivided attention and love, which you deserve.

[Zapookie]

No, I believe you should move on. Divorce him. He is not the person he once was, and you're still clinging on to the hope that he will revert back to that. You even said that you'd hoped he'd changed after the first woman, but he did it again and that just proves to you that he has made no effort whatsoever. Also, when you even try to bring the topic up, be pushes it back on to you saying you're being paranoid and controlling. This is a form of emotional abuse. He knows what he's doing, and he knows he can get away with it because you'll just take him back time and time again.

You need to put your foot down and say NO. This is the last chance he's had and he has screwed it up. You need someone who is going to be a good role model for your son. He needs a father figure who is going to be there for him and his mother and not mess you two around.

Please, you know in your heart that this isn't right. File for divorce and never look back. Give yourself some time to heal. You WILL find someone else. Someone who will treat you like his queen and accept your son as his own, and love the both of you like he never has loved anyone else in his life.

[LilyChiba]

You deserve better. If he's done it more than once, he's not going to change.

[Silvaria]

Personally, I believe in the power of change and so do not subscribe to the, "once a cheater, always a cheater" notion...however, the way you're being treated goes beyond that.

Hanging up on you, blocking you, lying about you to others, saying cruel things to hurt you, making you feel like a sex object...is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

That being said, my only advice is this: Read back over your post, but pretend someone else wrote it.

Would you actually advise them to stay with a man who behaved in this manner, or would you tell them to run the other direction and never look back?

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

This relationship sounds so unhealthy. And to be brutally honest, I agree with what everyone else has posted. He's not going to change. Normally we forgive people, because they're sorry for their actions. If he was truly sorry for his actions, he wouldn't still be making the same mistakes. I don't think, now, that you can fix this relationship. I think it is best for you both to cut your losses and move on, because by the sounds of it, you're just making each other crazy and miserable.

[snow_girl]

He said he would stop his actions on several occasions and failed to do so. Don't let him manipulate you anymore, stop contact and leave him. There are many men out there that would never imagine treating you like he does. That is not the way a marriage should be, leave. Be strong and do what is right.

[msskunk]

You deserve better, say good bye to him and move on.

[heylittlekrissy]

If he'd only done it once, I would say to still try and make it work; but you know he's done it numerous times already, and you don't deserve that. You also don't deserve to be treated like a sexual object or the verbal abuse he's put you through, no one deserves that. I can't see him changing, because honestly, he's showing no intentions of changing, even though he keeps promising too. You should move on, because it looks like it's just going to become a vicious cycle, and you're only going to continue to get hurt if you stay. Even if you still care, you owe it to yourself to leave and find someone who truly loves and appreciates you.

[Kelly.92]

Just like everyone else has said on here...
You deserve so much better, than wishing your marriage was something else when it's evident that he is not going to change. He has had his many chances, he should count himself lucky, you have been too forgiving.

Get out now before you get even more hurt by him.
It's not going to be easy for you, but in the long run, you will know that you have made the right decision when you find someone else who treats you like a real person, a real lover, in a real relationship.

Good luck.. you deserve to be happy. Remember that fact.