He makes me feel really guilty

[Hololz]

So recently, My SO and I have been having some problems. We're arguing alot more than we normally would. Its normally me bringing something up thats bothering me but then he normally just gets in a mood with me and will find some way of assuring me its actually my fault not his, then I feel guilty. His favourite at the moment seems to bringing up the fact that I was the one that moved away, and therefore its my fault he's upset. I am on a placement on the east coast of the USA as part of my undergraduate degree, and will be here until july/august 2012. We have been apart for 4 months now but I am visiting for a few days at christmas which I am more excited about than anything!

This is not the first time he has done this. When I first started at university he would make me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with new people and make new friends even though we saw each other once every 2 weeks. Eventually he moved to the same university city so we could be together more often, but nothing really changed, and we still only saw each other once a week if we were lucky due to our respective work loads. At some points it felt like we didnt have to make a special effort to see each other any more as we could see each other when ever we wanted.

I understand that after the effort he made to move all the way to be with me that he would be dissapointed that I moved over 5000 miles away, but I dont think he really has the right to use against me in an argument or just to bring it up in an effort to make me feel guilty and upset. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to really improve my carreer prospects (working with the leading scientist in the field), and he told me that he completly understood why I wanted to go for it! I feel like its really starting to damage our relationship. What do you think?

[carolynred]

I'm sorry he is doing this to you *hugs* What bothers me is how much he is blaming you/making you feel guilty. In any relationship, its a team effort, and pointing fingers at one person will not solve anything. I agree when you say that he is using the moving thing as a way to make you feel guilty is NOT acceptable. If he's going through a touch time, you might be the only person he can vent out on because he had to move. Now that being said, that doesnt give him the right to hurt you.

I think maybe he needs some space to calm down. Then see if you two can sit down and have a serious talk. He needs to stop doing this to you since you said he has done this more than once. The burden should not be all on you. It sounds like you are a great SO and he should see that.

Remember we are all here for you

[kittyo9]

I had some trouble with my boyfriend making me feel guilty for going out with friends for a while. He would get so jealous that I was spending my Friday night out instead of with him and would make me feel so bad afterwards because he felt like we were spending less time together and he'd get so upset. Eventually we had a long talk about it and decided it was definitely unfair of him to make me feel so bad about being social with other people. He agreed to work on it, and since then he has been a lot better about it.

Does he know that he's making you feel so bad about it? It sounds like the kind of thing that needs to be discussed, in depth, to understand why he makes you feel that way and ways you two can make those negative feelings go away (besides just being together).

[Jgui]

he should be proud and supportive of your decision. Being in a relationship with someone shouldn't mean owning them, it should be about support and compromising. Have you talked to him about how he is making you feel with those comments?

[Silvaria]

Going to echo Jgui here, he should be VERY supportive of your decision...I'm sorry to say this, but guilting you about something that will improve your life is selfish and immature. I could understand if he had a fit of loneliness and did it once, then apologized...but repeatedly? Not good.

So yeah, you might want to consider explaining to him that this is making you feel frustrated and as if the relationship could be damaged, and if he still continues, then you'll have to reconsider whether or not he can handle the distance at all.

[Miramaid]

I would like to hear his side of the story

[Hololz]

Thanks for the advice guys, I will try and talk to him about it next time he brings it up. I just want to stress that he is a really great SO in every other way. He is my rock and I can talk to him about anything. I'm really very lucky to have him, alot of guys would have just walked away at the thought of a long distance relationship, but I respect him for the fact that he atleast wants to try. I just wondered if anyone else is in this situation or has had a similar thing happen to them? I do feel bad about moving away from him, but, the way I see it is that its not forever, and we do have plans to eventually move in together once we're both done studying. It just bothers me that he claims to be supportive and understanding, but will then say things that make me feel guilty. Its confusing.

[Bethypoo]

I have a friend whose boyfriend is doing the same thing to her about other situations (they are CD) and I am a straight shooter and if i thought she did something wrong then I would tell her. But she hasnt. He just always turns the situation out on her and somehow she is the one who is apologizing. If you make a mistake fess up, if not DO NOT let him turn things around on you. Yes, you were the one that moved. But it is done and here you are. He needs to get over that and not make you feel guilty for it. You need to tell him that. He has made the choice to stay with you and work with you on it. Therefore if he wants to leave then he should. But breaking you down over it isnt fair.

You need to tell him that and stand up for youself. There is no reason to feel bad. You are where you are and he needs to accept it and move on and work on the relationship. Not beat you up over your choices. good luck hun.

[Haley53]

I agree with Bethypoo.

I get that he moved, and I get that once he moved/transferred to be closer to you, you were then presented with an opportunity that took you further away, but the way I see it, is though he has every right to want you to compromise or to work with you so that things might improve between you two, his moving to be with you does not give him leverage. It does not give him the god given right to sit there and say "hey, I moved for you, so now it's your turn to make the big/compromising sacrifices." And this is why I've never agreed with making a decision based solely on your SO without considering what happens if it should not work out, because that's something we all need to be prepared for when making a move/commitment.

Personally, I would sit him down and I would be firm with him. I would honestly tell him to stop turning this around and pinning it on you when it a) won't be forever and b) is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for your future. I have never agreed with anyone's decision to sacrifice their schooling or careers solely for their SO - make compromises? Yes. Sacrifice? No - simply because I do think too many people forget the fact that you need to have a solid life independently before you can think about building your life together. I commend you on recognising the opportunity and taking it. So I would honestly be very strict about the fact you're not going to let him make you feel guilty for taking it. Honestly, if he doesn't listen to reason, I would be so firm as to say "I'm not going to sit here and let you make me feel guilty over a decision you not only encouraged me to take, but that is an opportunity I needed to take to enhance my future. We can talk when you're not going to sit here trying to make me feel guilty over it," and leave. Every time he starts trying to pin the situation on you, firmly but diplomatically point it out, and leave. Will it piss him off the first few times? Likely, but eventually it will get to a point where that behaviour is not rewarded with your upset, apologies, guilt, etc. It will get to a point he realises that that behaviour actually gets him nowhere, and so long as you stick to making sure he's well aware it's unacceptable, it should stop.

[lucybelle]

I would like to hear his side of the story

Ditto to this. I just moved to be with my SO and if he upped and moved 5000 miles away for a year I'd be PISSED. Even if it was good for his career. I'd be supportive and tell him yes he should go, but I'd be so resentful. I don't think it's fair. I mean perhaps you didn't know about this program until after he moved to you, but still. I can totally understand why he's upset, and I bet he also feels betrayed.

But now, there's nothing you can do but continue with your program. You shouldn't hinder your social life, but you still need to give him attention. Talk this out and find out why he's feeling the way he does. Ask him to think carefully before he speaks. Is he speaking facts? Or is he saying things because he is hurt?

[Hololz]

Ditto to this. I just moved to be with my SO and if he upped and moved 5000 miles away for a year I'd be PISSED. Even if it was good for his career. I'd be supportive and tell him yes he should go, but I'd be so resentful. I don't think it's fair. I mean perhaps you didn't know about this program until after he moved to you, but still. I can totally understand why he's upset, and I bet he also feels betrayed.

But now, there's nothing you can do but continue with your program. You shouldn't hinder your social life, but you still need to give him attention. Talk this out and find out why he's feeling the way he does. Ask him to think carefully before he speaks. Is he speaking facts? Or is he saying things because he is hurt?

I can understand why he's upset, and I've never denied that, although I want to make it clear that I never asked him to move closer, it was his idea. After he discovered he was going to lose his job, he started searching for university courses. I would have totally understood if he wanted to study at a better uni somewhere else (and I told him that), but he actively chose universitys that were closer to me. Of course I am very thankful for this but, one of the reasons I was hesitant was that I never wanted him to feel resentment towards me about moving if things, for some reason, didnt work out.

We were CD at the beggining of the relationship (Jan-september 2009) and saw each other atleast every other day. We were then LD from Sept 09-March 10, and close distance again from then until june 2011 (Except for 3 months over summer 2010 because of his course ties). But like I said, even though we lived 1 mile from each other we never went back to seeing each other every other day due to our work loads.

We speak at least 3-4 times a week on skype, and message each other everyday, I often tell him of my plans in advance so he knows when he will and will not be able to speak to me and visa versa.

I think it is definitley something we need to discuss as a couple though. Thankyou for your take on the situation.

[Rach321]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds difficult. These are the two things I thought of, I'm not sure it will help. I hope it does.

1. No one can make you feel guilty except yourself. I get that his actions may lead to that reaction in you, but no matter what he says, the guilt is coming from you. It really isn't his responsibility to make you feel better for your choice. Not to say you made the wrong choice- it sounds like a great opportunity. The same is true for him. He needs to realize that he may feel bad that you're not there, but he's responsible for asking for what he needs to resolve those feelings, rather than just focusing on what you've done.

2. Is what he says truly cruel? Or does he say the things he says because he's hurting? My guess that if he is an overall caring and loving person, it's probably the second one. In that case, can you find ways to talk about it and find a resolution so that you're able to pursue this opportunity but he also feels like his needs and wants are being met?

It seems like this is something you both need to talk more openly about. When he says things that make you feel guilty, do you tell him this? Does he provide solutions for what would make him feel better? It's really important that you find a way to talk about it. I wish you the best!