How to Cope with What Today Would Have Been? :/

[Haley53]

It would have been our 7-month anniversary. Not a huge one, but he was always silly about wanting to celebrate/make a "thing" of our monthly anniversaries. And though many here would still say there's still a relationship, simply without the titles, and though he agreed that there's still a thread of commitment even without them, and though our relationship hasn't changed and though things have almost been better since the pressure of those titles has been lifted off his shoulders, because we're not official, we don't get to celebrate our 7-months.

I had crippling nightmares all night last night, which to be honest were outweighed by the fact I got about three hours of consecutive sleep, which is something I haven't had over the past while (it's been worse, understandably, over the past week), but they still woke me up wanting to cry. I texted him about them but he's been busy and hasn't had a chance to text back. He texted me back within five minutes of my initially texting him in the wee hours of this morning, but I missed him because I'd fallen back asleep. :P But I feel like those nightmares and the series of events within those nightmares have only exacerbated and amplified the pain of recognising what today would have been.

I realise I shouldn't put much stock into a day, or an anniversary, or even a title, but when for the past six months, you've jovially celebrated, it's hard when the month comes around that you can't celebrate and further, when you look at the reasons why. Though, as I've reiterated numerous times, the circumstances are understandable, I still miss the little things when the opportunity for them comes about. :/ How do you cope?

[Sierra]

I wish I had some advice for you, but all I have is support. Throw yourself into things you love and enjoy your day. You haven't lost your man and I believe he'll come back to you when he has his own time.

Try to stay happy, play with your pets and enjoy your day. I know it seems horrible now, but I really believe you won't be separated or long.

[Haley53]

Well I'll have class until around noon, and then I'll be meeting my mother for a ride home come 2. I had hoped she'd have work for me, but she's not sure she will. I do know we'll be going on a walk or a run later this evening and probably out to dinner after, so it's currently a matter of filling up my afternoon. I'll likely fill it up with catching up on Amazing Race, Mike & Molly, and studying...

I know he's not lost to me completely. Like the other night we were discussing Disneyland and how he still wants to go with me at some point, because he'd been really looking forward to it and it was somewhere I promised to take him (his father always made empty promises they'd go, and his mother wasn't well enough to). He's told me we'll see each other again. He's said such sweet things to me. To be honest, I think I'm the one being a hindrance at this point because I'm focusing so much on the lack of titles as opposed to the still very presence of our relationship (which we've both spoken about, been open about, and had heartfelt conversations around. Apparently I've blabbed to more people about our break-up than he has). I need to stop. I didn't realise titles were so important to me. :/ But I think it's mostly hard because this is the first relationship in which I absolutely loved doing the silly little teenagey little things I've never had before, the things that allowed me to be "a girl." :P But I suppose I'll do my best to keep busy/my mind off it.

[Sierra]

It's ok for titles to be important to you, but keep this communication going. You told me that he begged you not to abandon him and I think in his time of crisis he needs you to prove to him that you're not going anywhere. I know it's unfair to you, but sometimes we have to go through really hard things to make our relationship work.

If I actually had money to make it out there, I'd bring my puppy and we could go get dinner but I'm dead broke.

[Bethypoo]

Go forward with the day. I feel like i should have more advice or something else to say but I really dont think that there is anything that you can do other than acknowledge the day, and try to keep busy. Sorry hun. we are all here for you.

[Haley53]

@Sierra - He reiterated that the other day. I was basically assuring him I would not leave through this process and he told me he didn't mean through this process, he'd meant in general. Later on in the conversation, I copied and pasted what I'd posted on the thread about the deepest thing your SO has ever said to you, told him it still meant the world, and he said he still felt that way. So I told him I was torn between wanting to say "I know" and "okay." I told him I wanted to say "I know" because I would want nothing more than to be in his arms and be holding him and making promises and even risk kissing him and "okay" because I can't, but even though I can't, I still can't ignore the invisible thread of commitment and devotion I still have to him/our relationship. I told him that I still see him as a partner and that I didn't mean it like "boyfriend," I meant like a companion, someone with whom I had such an incredibly close connection with that I couldn't possibly recreate the bond with anyone else. And I said that the closeness didn't go away because being able to call him my boyfriend did. And he told me "That last bit (that was the last bit of a longer spiel) is how I feel. That's why I asked you not to leave." And I trust him. Call me naive, but I do. :/

I had a friend I may tell you about privately, who has been saying some extremely cruel (imo) things about him, that I thoroughly disagree with, but it may be her, the naysayer, whose nagging voice is only further igniting my insecurities. However, I would never, ever abandon anyone - let alone my god given mate - to go through this alone, despite my friend's disagreement with it.

And I probably would not be free today regardless. :/ But I will totally cover for whatever we decide to do when we eventually meet up, since you're driving down. I wouldn't consider it fair if I didn't compensate for driving and gas in some way.

@Bethypoo - Thank you. <3 I may post on the blog I've been keeping him that he still wants me to keep. That way I can still acknowledge it but in an appropriate way... Hm.