Announcement

**Haley53** · November 10, 2011, 01:46 PM

As someone who's on his end of the situation, being honest, I'm not sure there's a way to avoid his response to the situation. I think that it can be painful for anyone to hear that their partner needs space, even those who are able to respect it immediately; in my opinion, it's human to feel nervous and insecure over a situation in which your partner not only requires, but wants, separation from you. I think what's helped me through what my partner is currently going through, and his want for space/time to figure everything out, has been his continuing to communicate his needs and be honest with me. It really helped/helps me to hear the reassurance that he's not leaving and that he loves me, he simply needs time to re-evaluate himself and where he's at and figure things out. I think being honest with him would be the best thing, but be gentle about it. Reassure him this has nothing to do with him but that you have a lot going on and you need some time alone to think and sort through what's going on and process it, so if you don't respond to a text or hop on Facebook straight away, it's because you're taking some time out to take care of yourself, that it has nothing to do with him or anything he's done. Be honest, but be kind. I generally tend to prefer direct honesty, but considering this was, for me, a matter of the heart (with my partner), it helped for his honesty to be a bit softened with reassurances.

**littlethinktank** · November 10, 2011, 01:57 PM

Originally posted by megfashion View Post

what he doesnt grasp, is that i just want to have some space sometimes. the reason i snap at him sometimes or start an argument (of which, as he knows whats happening, he tries to stop it or be nice) because i have so much anger for whats been going on. and id rather just not talk at all instead of lash at him...

This sounds so familiar!

Your SO is probably really worried about you and wants to show his support and let you know that he's there for you. I'd suggest you acknowledge his efforts but try to explain that it is easier for you at times like these to communicate less than normal. Let him know that you'll contact him and that it isn't a complete "communication blackout" but that you have to do it in your own time. Good luck! Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

**Sierra** · November 10, 2011, 02:06 PM

My honest advice is just to tell him. It's not a reflection of how you feel about your relationship but how you're working through your life stressors right now. As someone who loves you, he should understand.

I'm a very independent person and there are times where that just needs to be respected. I tell my boyfriend "I'm sorry, I'm just going through a hard time right now and I feel a ton of pressure when it comes to us talking all the time and it's a bit overwhelming on top of everything that's going on." This way, he can see it's not his fault or anything he did at all, just that I need my space.

The sad thing to me is that sometimes my boyfriend wants to be there for me, he tells me that I don't have to weather the storm alone, but he's respectful of the time I need to myself. I try to be respectful of that for him too.

I would be direct, but maybe try using an "I message" modified a bit ... "I feel (insert how you feel) right now, and because of that I need some space. It's not a reflection of our relationship but I know that we'll be stronger as a couple if I can have some time to myself."

**megfashion** · November 10, 2011, 02:23 PM

hiya...

nonono i dont mean i want to separate from him. just there are some times when things get too much and i just need an hour or 2 (maybe even 3 depending on severity) just to reflect and think things through... noo i love him i wouldnt ever want to separate from him

**Haley53** · November 10, 2011, 03:01 PM

That's what I mean. :P I still see that as a separation. When my partner is tired and wants to sleep or read instead of wanting/needing to talk about what's gone on throughout his day, it's hard for me not to view it as a separation from me in that moment. That's all I meant.

**Zephii** · November 10, 2011, 03:26 PM

I wouldn't say 'I want more space" I'd go with "Because things are hard right now I find myself falling into quiet moods where I just don't have the strength to interact with anyone. I don't want to look like I'm pushing you away, because if you were here we could quietly hold each other and not say a thing and I'd love that most in the world, but sometimes I'm finding it difficult to take on board any new information or to even text back people without feeling overwhelmed. No one else will back up off me and let me get a grip on coping, but you're my best friend, so I'm not afraid to ask this of you. Some days I'm not able to shake this mood and I need you to understand. If you ask how I am and I say I'm feeling quiet, then I need to be quiet and I need others to allow me to be. Sometimes I'm going to need you to text me less or let me sleep rather than skype and that isn't because I love you less or you have done something wrong. Can you do this with me for a little while? I need your support."

Or something to that effect. Explain yourself well. Use "I" not "You". He's your SO there should be nothing you can not talk about, do not be afraid.

**Miramaid** · November 10, 2011, 04:01 PM

I did not read the comments, but you sound VERY much like my SO and it always hurts me when he does that. I always feel like he either has someone else or doesn't love me any more since he doesn't even want to talk to me and we are long distance. I always feel that it is extremely unfair to me because I can not be with him and cook him dinner not just sit next to him and be close, or help him out with little things so at least the little things do not get in his way when he is stressed. I can not do any of that, I can only listen to him and be the shoulder to cry on if he feels like it or just even be quiet on the phone, but at least feel like he is not pushing me away and I am involved in his life.

I do not know what to advise you because those kind of things are very painful. Giving someone space and not talk for a day is ok but if it continues and the communication slows down, not everyone's heart grows fonder because of that. Some people actually grow apart and some people feel like there is a lot of growing apart.

**Sunnyside193** · November 10, 2011, 05:29 PM

@Zephii I couldnt have worded it better myself. I agree with what others have said your just going to have to tell him. I would make sure you explain because of everything you dont have as much time to interact with him and that sometimes you just need a little time to work some things out.

**Haley53** · November 10, 2011, 07:10 PM

@Miramaid -- But sometimes it's healthier for both parties. For example, I recently found out something regarding my partner that has caused me to want to step back and look at the situation from a different perspective. Could I ultimately reach this perspective communicating with him indefinitely? Likely so, but I will be able to approach the issue much more clearly and objectively if I first take a step back instead of letting my emotions govern my reactions. Sometimes people need a little bit of time to breathe simply so they can think and clear their own heads/minds without having to worry about anyone else. What I'm doing has nothing to do with my partner but rather it's something I need to do for me, and I'm doing it for the both of us. Quite frankly, if I communicated with him immediately about the situation as opposed to taking a step back to come down from my irrational, emotional standpoint, I would likely end up lashing out or end up seeing the situation unfairly as I was still being emotional, whereas if I take a couple days and contact him after I've had time to think and cry and work through my emotions, I'm less likely to end up lashing out and taking my stress out unfairly on him, and so it's better for both of us in the end. You can't love or care for anyone else if you don't first love or care for yourself, so I honestly see megfashion as making a decision that's not only necessary for her, but it's only going to better/strengthen her relationship with her partner because she'll be in a much better mind when they speak, as opposed to if she needs some time to think/breathe but has to worry about keeping up with texting everyone else.

**Bethypoo** · November 10, 2011, 08:57 PM

I just had to do the same thing with my SO. I just had some stuff i needed to work out and didnt want to talk. I told him that I needed some space form everyone and that i jst needed some time to figure some stuff out and that i was sorry but i just needed it. He asked if it was about him or us and i told him no but i didnt want to talk about it. He just said okay that he respected my space and was there when i was ready.

You just need to do the same. He will respect that and will be there when you need him.

**Silvaria** · November 10, 2011, 11:09 PM

Heh...my SO is bipolar, and when he wants his space, he tells me in no uncertain terms: "I'm feeling moody and just want to be left alone. It's nothing against you, it's me."

So, I leave him alone. And when his mood passes, he comes back to me.

However, I wasn't always so understanding...early in our relationship, anytime he wanted space for his moods, I took it completely wrong and actually ended up pestering him MORE, which made things worse.

Honestly, I'm not sure there are any "magic words" you can say that will make him understand...other than something simple and to the point, such as, "I'm feeling really withdrawn right now, and I still love you tremendously but I need to be left alone to sort things out in my head. I'll write/call you as soon as I'm feeling better."

Good luck with however you approach it.

**Miramaid** · November 10, 2011, 11:35 PM

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

@Miramaid -- But sometimes it's healthier for both parties. For example, I recently found out something regarding my partner that has caused me to want to step back and look at the situation from a different perspective. Could I ultimately reach this perspective communicating with him indefinitely? Likely so, but I will be able to approach the issue much more clearly and objectively if I first take a step back instead of letting my emotions govern my reactions. Sometimes people need a little bit of time to breathe simply so they can think and clear their own heads/minds without having to worry about anyone else. What I'm doing has nothing to do with my partner but rather it's something I need to do for me, and I'm doing it for the both of us. Quite frankly, if I communicated with him immediately about the situation as opposed to taking a step back to come down from my irrational, emotional standpoint, I would likely end up lashing out or end up seeing the situation unfairly as I was still being emotional, whereas if I take a couple days and contact him after I've had time to think and cry and work through my emotions, I'm less likely to end up lashing out and taking my stress out unfairly on him, and so it's better for both of us in the end. You can't love or care for anyone else if you don't first love or care for yourself, so I honestly see megfashion as making a decision that's not only necessary for her, but it's only going to better/strengthen her relationship with her partner because she'll be in a much better mind when they speak, as opposed to if she needs some time to think/breathe but has to worry about keeping up with texting everyone else.

when you live together and have children (if that is something you ever want) you are not going to have a luxury to not talk to your partner or children. You will also have to do other things and be nice to them and work through your personal problems in a different way. Better start early than when you are already married and gonna end up divorcing because of the "differences".
Everyone needs some time alone sometimes, yes. Everyone gets stressed. But withdrawing is not a solution. A day to relax is ok, but longer than that means a person needs to learn other ways to work through problems (does NOT apply to situations when there is a death in a family or some other huge thing like that).
That is my personal opinion. You do not have to agree

**Haley53** · November 11, 2011, 12:01 AM

It's actually recommended that when you live together, you take a break/breather if you feel you're about to get into an argument with your SO or if you feel your tensions rising and the need for space, and you walk away. My mother used to walk away when my father would want an argument, saying that she wanted to talk but only when he was willing/wanting to talk, not yell, and she would go and write down her thoughts and then later sort them out in a way she could present them to him when they were both calmed down; he used to hate it before he got shut up by his psychiatrist who told him what my mother was doing was actually healthy. My partner and I had breather-time when I visited, as well, which was a comfortable silence (him on his computer and me reading on his bed) that allowed us to have "me-time" without being completely isolated. He and I had one argument, my initiation, and he also told me he would talk but only if I was done shouting, and this was after we'd taken time to cool down. A friend's psychology professor has a "safe space" house. You are not allowed to raise your voice or yell. If you want to argue, you take it outside, otherwise, you stay in and work on communicating effectively or you take some alone time and then come and talk about it later. It's actually very normal to take time/space in close-distance relationships and marriages. In my opinion, marriages fall apart without it.

However, reading back through your post, it sounds like you have a SO who draws away from you continuously, leading me to believe it's more of a communication problem on his end than it is about the need/want for space. As megfashion said, she mentioned sometimes needing 2-3 hours to breathe/reflect/etc. Hardly sounds like withdrawing for days or requiring more space than is healthy. I agree that withdrawing for as long as you mention your SO does is painful if it's in response to regular stress and situations, but what megfashion is doing is actually healthy and in my opinion, cannot be compared to someone who withdraws more permanently and for longer periods of time.

**Miramaid** · November 16, 2011, 03:13 PM

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

It's actually recommended that when you live together, you take a break/breather if you feel you're about to get into an argument with your SO or if you feel your tensions rising and the need for space, and you walk away. My mother used to walk away when my father would want an argument, saying that she wanted to talk but only when he was willing/wanting to talk, not yell, and she would go and write down her thoughts and then later sort them out in a way she could present them to him when they were both calmed down; he used to hate it before he got shut up by his psychiatrist who told him what my mother was doing was actually healthy. My partner and I had breather-time when I visited, as well, which was a comfortable silence (him on his computer and me reading on his bed) that allowed us to have "me-time" without being completely isolated. He and I had one argument, my initiation, and he also told me he would talk but only if I was done shouting, and this was after we'd taken time to cool down. A friend's psychology professor has a "safe space" house. You are not allowed to raise your voice or yell. If you want to argue, you take it outside, otherwise, you stay in and work on communicating effectively or you take some alone time and then come and talk about it later. It's actually very normal to take time/space in close-distance relationships and marriages. In my opinion, marriages fall apart without it.

However, reading back through your post, it sounds like you have a SO who draws away from you continuously, leading me to believe it's more of a communication problem on his end than it is about the need/want for space. As megfashion said, she mentioned sometimes needing 2-3 hours to breathe/reflect/etc. Hardly sounds like withdrawing for days or requiring more space than is healthy. I agree that withdrawing for as long as you mention your SO does is painful if it's in response to regular stress and situations, but what megfashion is doing is actually healthy and in my opinion, cannot be compared to someone who withdraws more permanently and for longer periods of time.

It is healthy if what she is doing doesn't last days in a row. But no she did not specify how MUCH space she needs and for how long. So I assume it has been going on for a while and she wants to be left alone for a while. If she only needs a couple of hours or even a day, then yes, I agree that it is healthy. But more than that becomes even abusive (some psychologists proposed to consider "ignoring" in relationships a form of abuse and I must agree that it sure feels like abuse for the other party).

Announcement

how do i tell him this...

how do i tell him this...

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment