Is it wrong to cuddle...

[HerSunflower]

with other people outside of your relationship?

My girlfriend and I have never had to think on this since I never found out she cuddled with other people until this summer. I somehow brought it up, I can't remember how, it must've been curiosity. "Have you ever cuddled with more than two people at a time?" And she said she had of course but only out of pity for one of the persons. Well I went online as I was concerned about this since I had always thought that cuddling,even online, was something special only couples did and found out that she was someone elses "cuddle buddy". I broke up with her as soon as I saw that because my heart couldn't bare the thought of her touching someone or even having that thought of someone...to call that alright really tore my heart up. She eventually told me after much questioning that it was just because she simply "didn't know it was wrong" like.... I just want to be told by someone other than her and a few others as to what it means. I've been told by some that cuddling doesn't have to hold any attachment so it doesn't mean anything unless the person means to be romantic towards that other person. I have been told that friends can do that simply because they're being playful with each other even if one of them is in a relationship? I don't know if it's just me and I'm wrong...and maybe I need to rethink all of this business because to me it's the worst sort of pain I have endured, to hear her say she's cuddled with someone...or that she thinks it's okay.
But there's something else. I forgave her for it if she promised to NOT cuddle with anyone outside of "us" and to tell me that if she was starting to feel like she couldn't keep that promise to tell me about it so I could help her.
Well, recently this friend of mine who likes me to some degree asked me to cuddle with her to which I replied no but when I asked my girlfriend about what she thought she said I should do it if I was ok with it...and that she was the wrong person to ask? And apparently she tells me that she can't tell me otherwise since that would make her a hypocrit since she cuddled with other people before but I want to know what she thinks in the now, how do I get her to tell me what she really feels? She's such a closed book when it comes to these difficult topics and when it comes to things that she feels ashamed about, I don't know what to do. Help.

[Minerva]

These things ALWAYS need to be defined by the couple in question; no one can answer this but you. You have to define your boundaries together.

Once you've defined the boundaries, stick to them. If you thought her cuddling with other people is crossing a line, don't do it just because she said it's OK. If you think it's wrong, don't violate your own morals. Because even if she says it's OK, you'll end up feeling guilty. Don't compromise yourself.

And she needs to get over her guilt and talk to you. A relationship shouldn't be tit-for-tat, I hurt you now it's ok for you to hurt me back. That's not healthy. Tell her you want to define yhr boundaries, that you need the boundaries, that it's very important. Tell her what's in the past is in the past, and that you both need to move forward and figure out together what's OK and what's not. Because if you can't do that, you're each at risk of hurting the other.

[Sora1101]

I guess it depends on the couple. I know that if my SO was cuddling with another girl platonic or not it would really hurt me, like you I find that cuddling is intimate and a very loving gesture one only does with the person they like or are in a relationship with. There's just something emotionally connecting about cuddling, at least that's how I see it. I know a couple of people that find cuddling to be just something you do when watching a movie ect.

If you really want to talk to her about this issue you need to frame your questions in ways that don't make it feel as though you're angry or upset, it's understandable that she wouldn't want to talk to you about you wanting to cuddle with another girl, that's just hurtful, if she asked you your opinion on whether or not she she wants to cuddle with guys you'd be upset right? Obviously because you made a fuss about that whole thing to begin with. You both just need to talk things out, either agree to disagree and move on or set some ground rules like no cuddling on a bed, no spooning, stuff like that, things that you don't feel comfortable with.

[kiara_silver]

I know im going to have a different view then others. To me cuddling to intimate. Im a bit of a possessive paranoid girlfriend. I mean friendly hug okay, or If there really close friends, and there all just watching a movie maybe sitting close? But cuddling i find as snuggling up arms wrapped around each other. I actually don't have any male friends lol and all I hang out with is family so I can't really say. Me Personally, I find cuddling intimate in that sense. Since ive cuddled with is SO. When being cuddled it makes me feel secure, all snuggled up to him. I wouldn't do that with any other guy, and i don't think I would like him with his arms around a girl together on the couch or someone sitting in his lap or anything like that. So i think I wouldn't like this either. But I also cuddle with family, my siblings. And even huddle up with my cousins. And thats not in a intimate way, I guess it depends. You guys have to set the boundaries and say what you think crosses the line. Find a compromise. Tell her you want to sort this out, and really share your feelings with a LDr you have to have these talks even if there uncomfortable or hard. It's important to know how each other feel.

[Riyko]

Honestly you two have to decide what is okay and what is not okay for your relationship, but me personally i would be upset if i was with a guy and he was cuddling with another woman. While cuddling seems innocent, it can lead to less than innocent things and that no matter what is not cool if you are in a relationship.

[Haley53]

Way I see it is if you got so hurt over your girlfriend cuddling another man/friend, then there's no reason for you to be doing it, and I would honestly question why you questioned her. Did you really do it because you want her opinion on it (why would you compromise your morals when you're the one who instated the boundary to begin with?) or did you do it because you still feel resentment over the issue/are not completely over it and want her to feel similar to the way that you did? Because if she didn't care about it, even if it's not something she's currently doing, that wouldn't give you any leverage at all, is how I see it. And I'm not painting you out to be some horrible person, either, I think there are a lot of us who in our hurt and anger want our partners to hurt as much as we do/are/have, but I think you need to step back and ask yourself why you're asking her if it's okay when it's something you're clearly not okay with. Just because she cuddled in the past doesn't mean you can punish her by cuddling with someone else now, when it's been established it's not something you want her to be doing and that you don't agree with.

[HerSunflower]

I'm asking her if it's okay to check up on her because people around me have made me doubt her, I didn't do it to hurt her. I just don't know what to do if she say's she's ok with it, I mean it's a big deal to me.

[NineInchNails_x]

For me, anything more than a friendly hug is not okay. Cuddling is something that's pretty intimate to me, and I would not be okay with my boyfriend cuddling another girl. Definitely talk to her about it..she might really not have known that you wouldn't like it, especially if she felt no guilt before this and it was the first time it came up. I say just learn to forgive and forget, and she can learn from her mistakes, and ask her to not do it again.
(: I hope everything works out well for the two of you. Good luck!

[Bethypoo]

i kind agree with the person above me and kirasilver. First of all these things need to be defined by each individual couple. Some are more open than others. But all of this needs to be defined to prevent situations like this.

If it is a big deal to you and you are not okay with it, then you need to tell her this and she needs to work with you. I have cuddled with my female best friend when there has been a devastating event (my mom dyeing) but that is about it. With my male friends, other than hugging, that is about it.

It may sound lame, but I believe in not doing something that I wouldn't want chris to do. If what im doing would make me mad if he did it, then there is no reason for me to do it. Maybe explain that to her. If it is something you are that uncomfortable with then you need to communicate that wither her. Let her know you dont want to cuddle with anyone but her. She should respect that.

[Zapookie]

Cuddling is very intimate, and I've only ever cuddled with my SO. I wouldn't ever do it with anyone else, and I would also be upset if my SO were to tell me he was cuddling with another girl. I would ask what was the reason for doing it and why he felt it was okay.

[BlueCat]

To me, cuddling someone else is a big no. I might sit close to a girlfriend of mine if we're watching a movie, but that's different, absolutely nothing intimate there. Cuddling with someone of the opposite sex is just a no, even if I see my boyfriend hug another woman it stirs something in me :P I don't really think it's jealousy, I just think it's because I feel like he should only be hugging one person (me). Even though hugs in greeting or goodbye between good friends is perfectly normal and acceptable. I guess I just like feeling secure in knowing that I'm his.

[Haley53]

In my opinion, if you spoke to her and she feels guilty about it, and promised she wouldn't do it again, you need to work on trusting that, as opposed to using your experiences to gauge her reactions and opinions on it. If you want her reassurance, then I think you need to tell her that directly, as opposed to coming at her with that some girl wants you to cuddle with her and you want to know if it's okay.

[beckychan]

Because my SO would kill me if I cuddled with another guy, I would not do it.

HOWEVER, for a good half of my life, I've been around a group of people who are much like family. It's the people who I work with at an overnight camp every summer. We get pretty close to each other, considering we are pretty much cut off from the outside world for 3 months so it's easy for us to treat each other like brothers and sisters. To us, cuddling is just a friendly gesture. So in other words, it could be the people shes hanging around. Maybe the dynamics of the people she's cuddling with is extremely platonic, but to be fair to you, you don't know them and you wouldn't know what the relationship is like.

MY SO is the same way you are, he barely tolerates me talking to other guys, so cuddling with someone else is a no-no. Of course I would never want to, but putting myself in her shoes, you might want to not be so harsh next time. I would say that it's fair to ask her not to cuddle with other people, but it's also important to respect how she feels too.

[Miramaid]

It depends on the people.
I know it would not be ok with me

[MadMolly]

Cuddling is not a big deal to me really.