Seemingly Soul-Crushing Loneliness

[twicedouble]

Okay, the title might be a bit exaggerated.

I'm not sure if any of y'all remember me. I joined this site about a year ago and sad to say my attention span is a fickle thing. My (now) girlfriend and I hadn't started dating, we hadn't even met in person yet, we were just talking and seeing where things went. In the middle of April (2011) I went for a visit to see her (She lives in Florida, I live in California) and while I was there we started dating. Since then she's made a visit out here (August, 2011) and things have been going relatively smooth for a long distance relationship. No big fights, we find time to watch TV together and talk on voice and although I'm happy with her, I don't have to tell you that it is a struggle.

The two of us have very different dynamics: I'm very vocal about how I feel, she's more demonstrative (which doesn't exactly translate to AIM or even voice chat), I'm more of a stay at home and chill out kinda person and she's the same way but she enjoys going out with friends and doing stuff much more than I do. Now when we're in the same city, that's all great. I love going out with her and doing things. But when she's out with her friends, I'm sorta stuck here on my own.

I would love to go out with friends but I don't have many friends here and I'm really very awkward and shy in person, something I've had to deal with all my life and not something I'm particularly able to overcome. I just don't make friends very easily.

This is obviously no fault of hers. She's well within her rights to go out and do stuff with friends and I encourage her to go out and be her own person apart from me. I feel that's a very healthy thing to have in a relationship and I'm already clingy enough when we're in the same city. Last night she was at her mom's hanging out and today she's been at the fair. I talked about it a bit with a friend who has been in a similar situation but I don't feel like it really helped.

Anyway this is getting kinda long-winded. My question for you guys is how do you deal with the loneliness (those that experience it, obviously)? I presume there are other people out there in similar (if not identical) situations.

[kittyo9]

I make things. Sometimes the loneliness is so bad that I can't bring myself to do anything. But somehow I'm always able to turn it into a project. Usually I add a painting or drawing to my sketchbook about us. Sometimes I'll write something, sometimes I'll make something for him or to send to him. It makes me feel better because I'm getting all that emotion out into something visually expressive.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I get this way too. Except he's just generally busy trying to juggle work and university and performing, whereas I'm just at university. And a lot of my flatmates are a bit tame for me. I love going out, I love being sociable...but I still find making friends intimidating and difficult.
So yes, I know where you're coming from. And I sympathise. And I don't know how to solve it any better. *hug*

[rubydissolution]

I am in the same situation actually. I'm the introvert in our relationship, i don't have many close friends and the ones i have, have their own lives or they don't live close anymore. He has a handful of close friends and he likes to go out with them a lot. Before he came here he actually started ditching his friends to hang out with me, boy did i feel guilty. Now that he's back home while i miss him while he's away i'm glad he has someone to go out with and just be a guy with. I just hate when he asks me, bc my answer is always a little off. I'm trying to get him to just text me occasionally when he's out, just one or two to tell me he is thinking of me. It makes me smile and kind of makes me miss him slightly less.

I know its hard to be such an important part of their lives but not BE involved in their day to day musings. I think that's the hardest part for me. I just try to keep myself busy, and when i'm lonely I have a long stack of facebook messages to read to make me feel better. And I find when i'm desperate to talk to him, i either write in a journal (which i'm sending to him) or i send him a fb message or a text. Even if he doesn't respond i know he got it. I hope this helps a little.

[beckychan]

hmm I hardly find myself in this situation because both him and I are very tied to one another, and when we aren't talking/doing stuff with one another it's pretty hard to feel lonely else wise. We both have our group of friends, and if they're not available, we both have tons of homework to do or other things.

I know you said that you don't make friends easily, but it might be worth your while to work on that. Having the company of friends when you cant be around your SO is awesome. And its a great opportunity too, for you, to take that extra time and work on meeting people. To be honest, I'm really shy also. I promise you, 5 or 6 years ago I hardly had any friends. I didn't go to any of my high school dances or parties because I never had anyone to go with, not even a group of friends.. because I had none. Eventually, I made it my priority to meet new people and put myself out there so I didn't have to feel so alone all the time. I'm also really awkward as well, and it's something that I've had to learn to accept. I know you've probably heard this all before, but I think it will really help you alot.

And when it comes to dealing with your loneliness, aside from friends, I find that putting myself to work really keeps me from feeling down. Sometimes it doesn't always keep me from missing him, but it still keeps me busy and it keeps me moving. I don't know if you like to work out, but going to the gym is a good thing to do, and working out releases endorphins, so you maybe wont feel as sad.

[Snap]

I agree with all these posts. I've noticed that when I'm idle is when I start feeling bad for myself and lonely. The easy solution to that problem is to keep myself busy so I won't have time to mope. I have a lot of friends, but our schedules never match up so I might as well not have any friends. That means I had to learn to do things on my own. I do lots of crafts at home, go to the gym, bake, watch movies... Do any of these sound of interest to you? Another bonus of keeping yourself busy is that it makes time seem to go by faster.

This question might be stupid, but are you in school and/or have a job? Those are great ways to make friends and to pass time.

Once upon a time I used to be very introverted and shy with few friends. One day I was employed for a job that would not allow me to not interact with a bunch of people. It really brought me out of my shell and I've never looked back since. As beckychan said, you really need to put yourself out there. I'm also an awkward person but my friends (unlike my ex) see my awkwardness as a charm to my personality.

I'm confident that you'll find something up your alley.

[twicedouble]

A lot of good advice in here.

I really don't think I'm going to be able to meet people, it's kind of a psychological thing. I feel like finding ways to distract myself would be best.

I do find that when she texts me, even if it's something stupid like, "I saw a guy who looks like Paul Giamatti." (we both watch a LOT of TV/movies so that wouldn't be out of the ordinary) Would it be an unreasonable thing to ask her to try and text me when she's out?

Snap: It's not a stupid question, I do go to school. But I'm not generally lonely on weekdays because I'm busy enough, it's just during some weekends.

[rubydissolution]

I don't think one or two texts while shes out is unreasonable. When i'm out with my friends as rare as it is I am always sending or responding to a text. I feel like a text just lets ya know you aren't as alone as you think you are and even though shes out shes still thinking of you. Even if its something stupid. I sent a text the other night at work that said, "But...it has electrolytes. Its what plants crave." Jus bc i knew he was at work n would laugh.