Wanting to Give Up

[LilyChiba]

To be honest, I was in an LDR when my father passed on nearly 6 years ago now. I was 18 at the time. He was my best friend and the only person in the world I could turn to without any issues and blab whatever I wanted to. Whilst ultimately, that relationship didn't work out, it was months later that I ended it and for other reasons. All I can say that helped me got through this was what would said parent think or do. Dad would have wanted me to keep my chin up and keep on walking. After all, his fav song was 'Don't worry, be happy'. That was pretty much his life motto. Live your life and be happy with it. There is nothing wrong with being sad or missing them, but there is no reason to waste a life because they are not in it. In fact, live twice as hard for them! For note, he was 50 when he died. I'm now half that age. I worry quite a fair deal on that, but I still do what I can to smile and keep my life going. It really wasn't great for the first year, because I ended up moving out of home to get away from my mum. She got worse with the verbal abuse after, so yeah. I know how hard it can be, but you just have to keep trying as hard as you can. Especially if your SO is supportive. I look back on it now and mine wasn't. He would always try to get me online during that week I was dragged to live in an apartment right across from the hospital. Worst week of my life and instead of being there for me, he was an asshat. Ah well though. The things we do when we think we're in love.

[Zephii]

I always try to avoid these threads, because such a simple thing as reading and replying brings it all back... but I guess I should stop being a coward.

We'll start with: It's perfectly normal not to want a relationship when your mum is dying or has recently died. I know when my mum was kicking the bucket the best thing for my family would have been to get away from that guy I was with - but the extra stress of dealing with him was not something I could take onboard. I found out the extent of his lies and my foolishness, then eight hours later mum showed me the morphine drip and told me she had a month to live. You can't deal with anything at that point. I took the guy aside and told him "I'm pausing our relationship. I don't have time to either work this out or leave you, so for the next month you need to just support me and not be an arsehole. Please help me."

When it's all happening you just need someone who will take your shit a lot of the time. I've read through my old chat logs with Obi, and some of them make me cry. I said the most horrible angry things to that boy and now he's a man and still standing by me.
Watching someone die reminds you that there is a chance you will watch everyone in your life that you love eventually die. There's a risk and it seems like a big one at that time. Truth be told I'm still afraid Obi will die and leave me, which is why I'm hard on him about eating right and getting exercise even though he's 25. The stuff that goes through your head when you're grieveing is often a bit crazy and usually pretty damn selfish.

People who tell you he doesn't love you or need you are probably just idiots. Walking away is the best way to deal with it, but telling them they are idiots is more fun.

With the empathy, I do hear you. You can turn it off, or atleast tone it down. There are mental exercises you can do, meditations, that for want of a better way to put it create a psychic sheild around you. You can also "draw your aura in" so you absorb less of the free-floating shit that goes on around you. (I hate talking about this stuff. I sound like a fluff). You also might like to google "chakra hooks" or read this book.

I totally understand you wanting to run away, curl in a ball and hide, especially since this is going to go on for a long time. He's not going to be ok tomorrow morning when he wakes up, and chances are in a few months when he is "ok" he'll still fall apart randomly or have the nightmares. But then, why would you have the gift of empathy if you weren't supposed to use it to help people? He needs someone and chances are he's pushing a lot of other people away too. Those people may not wait for him to get better. He needs someone who's strong enough to help him.

I... there's like no advice or words of comfort that I can give right now that don't come from a religious standpoint, probably because when my life is messed up the Gods are the first people I turn to. Frustrating! So, I'll give you the choice of hearing about it or not. Let me know. If you like I'm more than happy to pray with you or help you take comfort from spirituality.

Take cares, we are all here for you. You are stronger than you know.

[Haley53]

@Lily - I'm not the one who lost my parent. My partner is. :/ And I really am trying so hard to be supportive for him, and I will continue to do so; it can simply get wearing, which sort of leads in to my response to Zephii.

@Zephii - That response really helped. I can't say what it was that hit home about it for me, but it did. Maybe because it's someone not my mother who's adding validation to my idea that this is normal for him to be doing/going through. Maybe because it was so honest and so personal and I appreciate you sharing it with me, because it is so relevant and because it does give insight into "the other side."

I have noticed the "selfishness," and I've forgiven it. I've had so many people tell me they wouldn't tolerate this or that but I can't see it from their point of view. My mother, when my grandmother passed away, I was 12 and my sister was 9, and my mother still felt suicidal and honestly considered it for some time. She said never constantly, but there were moments it would pass through her head and she would wonder if that was her way out. If my mother, who is in all honesty my best friend and I am so incredibly close to her (as he was to his. I can at least relate on that level), considered commiting suicide when she had a 12-year-old and a 9-year-old, in my mind, anything is possible. And I don't consider it selfish. Does it hurt me? Yes, but it's understandable, and that's why I forgive it. I forgive it because even though it isn't easy - there are days he'll be affectionate and then days he'll be so cold and ready to curse at me - I understand that it's a product of what he's going through. He even told me himself he's realised what a dark person he is, through this experience, and I told him that that is where he's at; it is not who he is. Which I think he appreciated hearing. There are some things I've told him he doesn't need to trust, that I'll trust those things for him, and he's said to me that he appreciates that too and has really vulnerably relied on me in that sense. So I'm not sure why I feel as unneeded as I do...

It's hard, though, because we both tend to feed off the other's mood. Some days he'll shut me out completely if I mention feeling anything other than happy because he can't handle it. Other days, like I believe I mentioned earlier, he'll sit there with me for hours consoling me and promising me he's not leaving me and that he's there for me. But he can tell when I'm lying, and so can I. He does say that I bring him great comfort and that I make him happy, that I make him feel safe, cared for, loved, and like he has someone who's taking care of him. Then there are the days where he's very stand-offish. I think those are what I have difficulties dealing with the most, those moods and the unwarranted anger. I'm very, very sensitive to being yelled/cursed at, and I'm even more sensitive to being shut out/down, so it's been a difficult process, but I refuse to give up on him. I refuse to believe that this is it for us. And maybe I'm being stupid, maybe the one friend who believes I'm in denial and he's saying what he is to soften the blow of breaking up with me... Maybe she's right, but then I have people like you and my mother completely affirm things for me.

And the nightmares are already setting in, as I mentioned in my OP. :/ I have no doubt this is only the beginning. I was hurt when he said the stuffed dog I bought him didn't help, even if I can't expect it to. He told me that he wished I was there to give him sleep cuddles and keep him safe. He later said, in response to a message I sent, that he's not sure what would help with them but that talking to me did. So it's mostly up and down, a lot of hot and cold, and a lot of mixed signals, though I imagine this is normal.

And I am certainly strong enough to stay. I do feel a little bit insulted because he made some comment on his ex's wall post (on his wall) that was a little bit flirtacious or that could be interpreted that way, which has made me wonder if he's not leaning or relying on her even though I can't see that being the case at all, and he has iterated to me that I'm the only one allowed to say or suggest some of the things I do because I "get it/him." When I apologised for overreacting to the issue of/with his ex, I told him that there was a part of me that felt like I could leave him with her, let her care for him, and that he'd be fine, and he told me that's not the case at all and he doesn't want me feeling that way/was sorry that that's how it made me feel. I'm trying not to let her bother me as much but for some reason she's all I can think about. I swear to god, I'm letting other people get to me and I shouldn't. I should listen to things like my heart/intuition and people like my mother, who have sharp intuition themselves, not people projecting their issues onto my situation, but it's hard when it tips off an insecurity... However, I also imagine that I'm imagining his want to be and talk with friends. He's been hanging out with them more or less pretty frequently, but feels frustrated and upset because they're not being very supportive and they don't get it, so I imagine that his need for everyone but me is imagined and amplified by my own insecurities that I'm working on for his sake.

I'll Google what you suggested and look into the book as well and I would certainly be open to hearing what you have to say. The subconscious work I mentioned? I did it with someone certified in Psych-K. Not sure if you've heard of it but it doesn't stray too far from the things you mentioned. :P I use "the Universe" as opposed to the Goddess or a God, but I certainly feel that spirituality is very much one in the same in varying religions, if you look close/deep enough. I have no issue using your terms or learning your prayers or of some things that have helped you. Considering you mentioned auras, chakras, and shielding (which I do need to work on), I have a feeling our spiritual beliefs might match up more than they would with, say, someone who was a devout Catholic.

Thank you so much. <3

EDIT -- Also, I very much believe in your sentiment, about the gift of empathy. I'm a psychology major, but would love to get certified in Psych-K, and I would also love to find a healer to be my mentor, though I'm not sure where I'd go looking. I think that's where I feel a bit different than most people, too, because they might not get it but even having never been through it, I do, even if I don't understand it fully? And I know enough that there is a reason we are going through this together, a reason that I was able to meet her first (a month before this happened), a reason that this is happening now and not in the future, etc. I can feel it. I simply am terrified by it because I'm not entirely aware of what the purpose is, though that's how life works, innit. :P

[CynicalQuixotic]

I don't have time to write out a long response, but I just want to say that I'm so sorry that things are so unbelievably shit. You're so wonderful for sticking by your SO's side, even if things are up in the air now. That's real love right there. I agree with everyone else to keep making yourself a priority. Also, I know it's probably really difficult, but I think it'll save your sanity immensely if you try not to take your guy's moods personally--he's going through an upheaval (well, you both are) and I think you might just have to weather the storm for a while.

If you feel like you're going to hurt yourself, please, please, please tell someone. You're bright and lively and interesting and have so much ahead of you.

You're being so strong throughout all of this, I'm seriously in awe of you. I hate to add another cliché to this post, but, just keep your head above water, darling.

*super hugs*

[raiblade3]

*HUGE HUGS!!! we are all here for you! Never feel reluctant to talk

[Haley53]

@CynicalQuixotic - It's a hard thing to describe, but it feels like a part of what's so difficult is trying to remember to do this or not to do that. For example, I'm trying to keep from fretting over his ex, from feeling bitter or pissy or angry about how the situation played out. I'm trying to keep from getting jealous of his friends, envious of their ability to hang-out, frustrated over the fact they get free text messages, etc. I'm trying to keep my insecurities reigned in about feeling unwanted. As much as everyone here, and my partner, too, says it's not about me/his feelings for me, it's hard not to feel unwanted, turned away, or rejected. :/ And I'm trying to remember that I can't take his moods personally... It's all very difficult, because doing each of those things requires an exhausting amount of energy.

But I do love him. I love him immensely. I sometimes wonder if he's aware of how much, considering the moods that I go through, because I do have up days and down days as well. There are some days I'm tearful and resentful and sad, and others I feel hopeful and courageous and strong. But he means absolutely everything to me. He is my world. I have loved him since I met him. I vowed to be there for him to take care of him then, nearly three years ago, and I have yet to break it. Like I have said on other posts, even my mother of all people, my mother who has consistently worried I would get married too young, following in her footsteps, says we have something so special between us, that she has never seen such a pure and innocent love that she sees between us, and quite honestly, I have always described him and I as having an evolved/adult form of "puppy love." He has an innocence about him that everything he's been through has not managed to steal from him... He means the world to me. He's the risk worth taking, really. :/

@railblade - Thank you. :]

[CynicalQuixotic]

@CynicalQuixotic - It's a hard thing to describe, but it feels like a part of what's so difficult is trying to remember to do this or not to do that. For example, I'm trying to keep from fretting over his ex, from feeling bitter or pissy or angry about how the situation played out. I'm trying to keep from getting jealous of his friends, envious of their ability to hang-out, frustrated over the fact they get free text messages, etc. I'm trying to keep my insecurities reigned in about feeling unwanted. As much as everyone here, and my partner, too, says it's not about me/his feelings for me, it's hard not to feel unwanted, turned away, or rejected. :/ And I'm trying to remember that I can't take his moods personally... It's all very difficult, because doing each of those things requires an exhausting amount of energy.

Don't beat yourself up over feeling whatever you're feeling, you're going through a lot and have every right to be upset about anything and everything. I just don't want any of that pain to be compounded is all.

[Haley53]

I would give anything not to feel the way I do. The morning I found out about his ex, I swear, so much emotion and crap was stirred up. I ended up crying for nearly 6 hours straight, which resulted in a lot of throwing my guts up as well because I was sobbing that hard. I cried off and on Friday. Friday night, was fine, Saturday, was more or less okay. Dealt with yesterday but then evening hit, and I ended up crying another 4 hours straight. It's hard not to feel stupid over it. :/ However, I do realise that as much as I dislike it, it's also healing to vent, write it out, talk it out, cry, scream, etc. And it also helps having my cat around. Ever since my partner decided he could no longer do the relationship, my cat and I have been falling asleep entwined almost every night, when usually he sleeps beside me but in his own little space. He's such a sweetheart and I swear he's the only reason I get through such emotional turbulence sometimes; his purr gives me something lovely to focus on. Currently my mood is in a neutral state, as you can likely tell by what I'm writing. I believe it's because I'm too exhausted to feel much of anything. I should try and sleep or at least lay down and relax but I'm appreciating the numbness currently. :/ I'll try and bear what you said in mind, though, I really do need to learn not to beat myself up... I think a part of it is because I do feel anger and resentment and I've internalised it because I can't stand the idea that I might actually be angry at him for doing what he needs to do. I almost hate myself for it.

I see my therapist Wednesday, though. I am really unsure of how to bring up how I've been feeling to her. I'm scared she'll be disappointed, I'm terrified my mother will have to be involved again... So much fear, insecurity, and uncertainty lately, about everything I even used to be confident in. Odd.

[Zephii]

You're a real champion, you know that right? If you don't know I can totally remind you every day for a month

I'm bone tired, so I'm not going to attempt anything long tonight, I fear for my cohesiveness. But, one thing I'm thinking is well... you remember your mum telling you about 1000 times "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all"? I reckon that's useful in more than one way. If I'm cranky or upset sometimes I can't control the shit coming out of my mouth, and luckily I know that and I can tell people not to make me speak because I don't want to hurt them... the moral of this story is maybe when he's being a dick you can suggest doing something that doesn't require speaking. Maybe watching a movie together, or you could read to him. Or something. Whatever you're into, but hopefully something that takes his mind off things until he gets a grip again.
You're probably helping him in 100 little ways every day. You know that text you sent he didn't respond to? He smiled when he read it, he just didn't have the energy to write back. The soft toy that "didn't help" probably gets a lot of attention. I can see from your posts that he's still trying... sometimes he doesn't succeed, but it's clear he doesn't want to hurt you, and I believe he'd be pretty lost if you weren't there.

Hang in there. I'll come back to this when I'm more awake. *hugs*

[LilyChiba]

Sorry for the confusion. Bit of a hard day for me when I was reading. But ok, now I understand, I guess I can't really say I've been on the other end of that yet. I guess.. just remind your SO of some of the things I said um and be there. It's all that can be done

[Haley53]

You're a real champion, you know that right? If you don't know I can totally remind you every day for a month

I'm bone tired, so I'm not going to attempt anything long tonight, I fear for my cohesiveness. But, one thing I'm thinking is well... you remember your mum telling you about 1000 times "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all"? I reckon that's useful in more than one way. If I'm cranky or upset sometimes I can't control the shit coming out of my mouth, and luckily I know that and I can tell people not to make me speak because I don't want to hurt them... the moral of this story is maybe when he's being a dick you can suggest doing something that doesn't require speaking. Maybe watching a movie together, or you could read to him. Or something. Whatever you're into, but hopefully something that takes his mind off things until he gets a grip again.
You're probably helping him in 100 little ways every day. You know that text you sent he didn't respond to? He smiled when he read it, he just didn't have the energy to write back. The soft toy that "didn't help" probably gets a lot of attention. I can see from your posts that he's still trying... sometimes he doesn't succeed, but it's clear he doesn't want to hurt you, and I believe he'd be pretty lost if you weren't there.

Hang in there. I'll come back to this when I'm more awake. *hugs*

Maybe I should turn that into a statement, write it down, and post it on my mirror. :P

And yes, I agree. He sleeps with the dog every night, holds it in his lap while he's on his computer, etc. He says he loves it a lot and most of the time, it brings him comfort. I will have to remember that bit about the texting though. I tend to send little messages and if they don't get a response, then I start wondering if they were inappropriate or if I made him angry etc. Of course the couple times I've brought it up, it's been that they made him happy but he was tired and didn't get a chance to respond. It's also been an adjustment getting used to the new capacity for affection. I'm used to him being pretty open and affectionate, so when I take the time to do something, say, a video and only get "The video made me happy this morning lol. I love you. <3" I start worrying that it's forced or that something is going on that he's not telling me or some other big bad wolf type thing, and I need to stop driving myself mental like that. But it's similar to how saying "I want kisses" is okay one day and then the next day, it will go ignored. I think what I need to remember/bear in mind is that he's at where he's at and I need to stop pinning meaning to every little detail.

Our only method of contact has been through Facebook or text messaging. :/ And currently, he's out of credit. Usually if he starts to curse or get angry at me, I'll ask him to please not curse at me and offer to give him space if he would like it; usually he doesn't want it and stops cursing and apologises for doing so. If it's an immediate product of tired, such as if he's coming off cold/angry and has mentioned being tired, which tends to be his vice anyway (I have never seen anyone get crankier when tired), then I usually tend to keep the conversation light or remove myself from it completely by bidding him sweet dreams and a goodnight, whether or not he ends up going directly to bed after. The couple times we've talked on MSN, once for 4.5 hours, the other for 6.5 hours, over one weekend, the anger/cursing has been less of a problem. It's a little bit easier because that's pretty instant/direct whereas the signal is unreliable so either of us could be sitting on a text message we misinterpreted if our phones decide to wonk.

I simply feel like I should have gotten used to this already. It's been a month today. :/ I imagine hitting these anniversaries (same with holidays, birthdays, etc.) is going to be an aggressor for a foul mood for him. We'll see; it was for my mother, naturally/understandably. But I look forward to your response when you come back. I really am trying to cope with this the best I can, and I really do hope that I settle more into a routine/get more used to it as time wears on. Even if we haven't been separated the full month, I feel like I should have gotten used to his treatment/behaviour or at least the sporadic pattern of it all. Hurr.

@LilyChiba - No worries, I thought when I wrote it that I might portray it in a bit of a confusing manner. I still appreciated your response and support.

[Zephii]

I wouldn't think it's something you can get used to because it isn't consistant. He's all over the place like a mad-woman's what-name! But either way a month is nothing really. It feels like it drags because of how rough it's been but really it's just 30 little days.

See to him that video that "just" made him happy, is probably a pretty big thing - because not much at all has the power to make him happy when things are like this. It's like everything is under a thick black cloud and when the sunlight gets in it's often weak or brief - but when it does get in, that's still a triumph on your end, that still nourishes those things trapped under the cloud. (Wow, I sound like Obi today, end bad analogy!)

You need to learn to be as kind to yourself as you are to anyone else. Speak to you like you're a friend, a thrid person. Give yourself the reassurance you would give a mate in the same situation. When the bad thoughts come, talk back. Tell yourself "Don't be rediculous, he's just busy." or "I'm doing a good job of letting him know I'm there for him. He doesn't need to speak for me to be companionable."
While you're there try to do one nice thing for yourself every day. A serve of your favourite <healthy> food. Twenty minutes of quiet time reading in the garden even though the dishes await your attention. A bubble bath. Something small every day. Because to look after anyone else for any period of time you need to look after yourself first. You deserve love too but sometimes the only people who can show us that are ourselves, at least for a little while.

One thing that often helps me through things when I think I can't do it anymore is "To Dare". - The second principle of Wicca. I remind myself that by walking this path, I've agreed to not run away. That I will face up to my responsibilities no matter how hard they are. I'm not allowed to say "Oh I'm just a failable human" and lean on a theory that I'm inherantly flawed through sin - I can't just fail and be forgiven. The only way is forward. Sure I still pray and say "I'm scared I can't do this, please make me stronger today" or whatever, but I know that the only way is forward.
These principles can be taken in steps too - The first being "to know" - You already know you are doing the right thing. Lots of people don't understand and are putting you down, but in the quiet of your soul you know that you are following the course most natural to you. You know it wont be easy but you still know what's right for you as a person. (Trust yourself). "To Dare" is taking that knowledge and standing by it. You know you're doing the right thing, now you Dare to follow through. You keep walking forward. Some days you might stumble back or fall down and you don't think you're getting anywhere. And you're no where near the "light at the end of the tunnel" to give yourself hope. (Have courage)

The third principle is "To Will", which takes me on a tangent.
Many empaths I've worked with have more than the ability to feel what other people feel. They can influence people to feel the way they wish to. It's a two-way communication. The hard part is that the easiest way to do this is to already be feeling that emotion yourself. (I'm sure there's a way to do it without feeling it yourself, but I don't have those leetskillz lol) and of course it's much easier for a lot of people to think themselves into sadnes or anger than it is to generate happiness inside themselves. I also find it easier if I can touch that person, but I'm sure that's no necessary, it's just a crutch that I'm too keen on.
Basically, the way it works is you involve yourself in the feeling (love or contentment seem a lot easier to "hold onto" than happiness for some reason.) you want to "send". We'll go with love because I know you have plenty of that. Take time to generate a strong feeling. Think of all the things that make you feel loved, listen to a song or watch a movie if need be. Gather it up inside you until you feel like you're so overwhelmed by love that you think you could burst. I find it easier to visualise energy like a coloured liquid or mist. Find a way for your mind's eye to "see" what you have inside you. Gather it all in one place (Your heart or your hands are the most common ones suggested). Now visualise the effect you want it to have. Do you want it to wrap around him like a cloud? Or sheild him like armour? (Love might not be the best for this, but whatever.) Do you want it to wash over him like a wave and bring a smile to his face? Do you want it to seep into him slowly and keep him warm? There's a lot of things you can "program" your energy to do, because it's yours. So pick something, and then send it out. That's the hard part - letting go of the energy. Which is where touching the person comes in handy because you can just let the energy flow through your hands. Some people immagine the energy shooting from them to the moon and bouncing back to their traget like a satalite. Other's can just "let it go" and trust it gets there. I'm not great at explaining this. Maybe get an open minded friend or your mum to practice with you if you're not confident it works?

Wow, now if that didn't make me sound like a freak, this next thing wont. There is a short simple ritual that you could use as well. All you need is a pretty flower and a vase, but you can be more elaborate if that's your style. (It's basically a kid's spell nothing wrong with that). Raise your emotion like we just talked about, but when the time comes release it into the flower. Imagine all kinds of great things happening to your target person. See them feeling loved and having good fortune. See them smile. Know you have the power to help them. (at the time you do it, you need to believe it will work. If afterwards you feel silly thats fine, you just need to suspend disbelief for a little while).
Say something like this:
"Universe I ask <his name> be blessed,
He fills my life with happiness.
Return to him three times three
The <love, comfort, happiness, whatever> he has bought to me"

If you can send him that flower later, so much the better, but if you can't you can keep it and repeat the process a few times. (Maybe keep it, dry it or press it and then send it? If you think it would be well recieved)

I'm sure I'll be back later. Take cares!
(PS - You're still a champion, today and every day.)

[Haley53]

I will read your response soon, Zephii.

But I feel like I've been thrown for another loop. I'm home from the urgent care centre at my university. She debated sending me to the ER but ended up carrying out tests there. I'll be seeing her again Thursday for the results. The issue is that it could be a bleeding ulcer, for which I was pretty much told I would need to be sent to the ER for some sort of surgery/procedure because it's something I could end up dying from. And I'm terrified. There's the chance it could be gastritis, but I vomited blood this morning; she says her tests will tell. I'm being reassured that this has been scoped out, so if worse comes to worse, I'll go the ER and get it fixed. Unless I decide to go completely untreated, I'm not going to die (assuming a bleeding ulcer is what it is), but it's one more damn thing, and waiting until Thursday is not going to do anything for not worrying/stressing further and aggravating it - whatever it is - even more.

[Zephii]

Holy that sounds serious. I dunno how anyone could expect you to not stress. But, chances are good that they will fix you right up, no matter what it is. They reckon the youngins heal well
We're here for you.

[Haley53]

Read your response. <3 Thank you so, so much. I swear I need to print out your responses and have them on hand for reference...

I have a friend who is a Priestess, so she may be willing to work with me on the one exercise, although I imagine my mother would as well (though she's been busy). I often find that envisioning energy in colour is easier as well, but I am also extremely visual (also very tactile, as you mentioned as well). It's certainly something I will practice/focus on doing. I love the idea of the flower as well. He loves every little thing I send him, especially if it has some significant sentiment behind it, and I am due to be sending him a package as soon as he moves in somewhere and can give me the address, so maybe that's something I'll do and then press the flower and send it along with everything. May I ask what the importance/significance of it being a flower is?

I realise this isn't a very long response, but I truly, truly appreciate everything you wrote. I will be printing out what you said about "To dare" and "To know" and I'll be doing the exercises you wrote about "To will." That actually quite cheered/excited me.

EDIT -- I'm an extremely psychosomatic person. I'm a regular medical mystery to my doctors. :P I even had them bring in interns today to oggle over my thyroid because of what it's done... Ha! But they're convinced there's some medical, rational, scientific/biological explanation. When I mention that it's tied in to my mental and emotional state quite heavily, they scoff and say, "your emotions don't have any influence over that part of your body, though." My arse they don't. >_>