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**Moon** · November 14, 2011, 12:48 PM

To be completely honest, from the sum of all your posts over the last months, I'd have to say kinda, yeah.

For example, when he made the move you gave him the ultimatum about, you posted how upset with him you were because he didn't consult you about his lease, instead of giving him a little show of appreciation for getting it done so quickly. I see so many of your posts are completely concerned with your own needs and how they should be met, but I've never seen you post about ever being concerned for him, or giving him what he needs. I'm not sure exactly that I'd use the word bully, but from my third-party, unbiased view, you seem overly concerned with your own wants and needs in this relationship without giving as much to his, or making it so that BOTH of your needs are addressed.

Now, you can yell at me if you want, but I'm not saying that to hurt you, you did ask. One thing I've learned is that you should never, ever take someone for granted and both parties are equally important in the relationship. Instead of getting upset over everything, try being easier and letting the little things go. So many fights can be avoided just by looking for what someone is doing right, instead of looking for what they did wrong.

I could, of course, be completely wrong. Afterall, most of the time if we post something, it's about ourselves, and our problems and maybe there's not as many posts about what awesome thing(s) our SO's may do. Like I said, I truly don't mean to hurt your feelings with any of this

**Sierra** · November 14, 2011, 12:59 PM

I actually did show him a ton of appreciation for getting it done quickly. I sent him a house warming gift and told him of my appreciation daily. I don't generally post the great things in my relationship because I don't really need feedback or a pat on a back for doing them. I admit, I was frustrated, but did I not have a right to be?

I am really concerned with his needs being met, I truly am. But I need my needs met too, which is what I post about on here. I don't need advice on how to meet his needs, I adjust my life to facilitate things between us. Like I said, I don't really post about that here because I know how to make my own changes as needed to better my relationship.

Maybe you're right, but it makes me so sad to hear that. I don't want to be mean to him, I just want a healthy functioning relationship, and this includes both of our needs being met. As I tend to have a problem with boundaries and standing up for myself, this is what I post the most about.

IDK though, maybe everyone is right and I'm doing something horribly wrong. I feel so bad. I encouraged him to pursue his dreams and support him in them, I try to be a good girlfriend ... idk. If I'm a bully I'm obviously doing something so wrong, but then why would he love me and want to be with me?

I don't know how to fix the situation or what to do. I don't want to do this to him.

(I do want to add, I HAVE been extremely frustrated lately, not just with him, but with life, I'm going through a lot of changes and just having a really hard time)

**Biddlybiddlybombop** · November 14, 2011, 01:17 PM

It's a common thing to talk to people about the issues in your relationship rather than all the lovely nice things, because, like you said, most people don't need help with what they're happy with.
Having said that, this is one of the problems you've presented for us. And like Moon says, a lot of your posts do focus on your needs rather than his, but you've said that you have problems with standing up for yourself, so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, I agree, it does sound like you've put a lot of pressure on him to make things go your way. And I actually think that out of everyone, it'll be your mum who will be able to see the truth here most clearly. She knows you in person, she probably knows more of the ins-and-outs of your relationship than we do, she also knows your SO. So, I think you should listen to her.
I'm not saying that you are being a bully towards your SO, but I think that you should talk to your mum some more about what she thinks it is that you're doing to merit being called "a bully".
The other thing I think you should do is talk to your SO and see if he feels that you're being a bit...overpowering? And if he says yes, then maybe you should keep that in mind next time you want a particular outcome from your relationship. I have no doubt that you want him to be happy too, but maybe you need to give him the opportunity to TELL you what he wants from you to make HIM happy. Maybe he's bad at standing up to you. Maybe acutally, you're motivating him. You don't know til you ask. It's scary, but he's who you're going to get the truth from.
On the other hand, I also want to praise you for being able to be vocal in your relationship about what you want out of it, especially if you're just learning how to overcome your problems with boundaries and standing up for yourself. It's a great strength to have, as long as you know which degree of assertiveness you need to work to.
Hope I've helped.

**Haley53** · November 14, 2011, 01:23 PM

I will consider this further when I have time/am not so blurry-brained, but I did want to say that I feel "bully" is a harsh term. Given this:

As I tend to have a problem with boundaries and standing up for myself, this is what I post the most about.

I actually feel what you're going through is normal. For anyone who struggles with boundary setting and asserting themselves, there will come a point that they get fed up of being the doormat. There will come a point they start worrying over what they need and want and if those needs and wants are being met, and there will come a point they start wondering how to go about presenting those wants and needs in a way that they will be met with understanding and fairness. And I don't think you're wrong for this. I don't believe that every single want/need you've mentioned has been unreasonable. However, I also feel that once someone finally does start standing up for themselves or being more assertive or setting more boundaries, they can sometimes go overboard with it, because based on the fact setting boundaries is something they've never done, they need to learn, through trial and error, how.

In my relationship with my ex, I'll admit I was probably a little bit pushy. I do feel my reasons for what I wanted, and the wants themselves, were justified, but I perhaps did not go about in asserting those wants/needs in the best way. However, my ex was also the first person with whom I actually began to consider that hey, I'm part of the relationship too, and he was the first person with whom I began experimenting with boundary setting and asserting that I had my needs as he did too. Coming from a history of abuse and not setting those boundaries and being far more passive than assertive, I was perhaps a little bit more aggressive with some situations than I should have been, but I needed to go through that process before I learned a balance. I know that my current partner significantly helped me with/find that balance, considering he's an assertive person himself, so where I would test the waters of my assertion, he would be there to assert himself and point out if anything seemed unfair or one-sided. Even in our friendship, he did this, and I have thus, through experience, learned how to be assertive without being pushy or aggressive. I watched my mother go through this in her work. When she first started setting boundaries, she also was a bit more pushy/aggressive than she should have been, but now, she's relaxed a lot more and has found that balance between doing what she needs to do for her and her relationships with her employees, clients, client's parents, etc. Is it possible that you could talk to your SO about what was said and talk to him about how you're feeling and perhaps come up with a compromise that there's a safe space for him to be open with you if he feels you're being pushy/unfair? If it's something he'd be willing to do, and something you'd be willing to accept, it would give him a say in situations and it would also help more clearly lay out the difference between assertiveness and aggression and setting boundaries and demanding them.

Personally, my guess would be that you're struggling to find a balance, not that you're a bully.

**Sierra** · November 14, 2011, 01:26 PM

I did talk to my mom and she basically laughed at me and used the moving situation as her main example. I don't deny that I had to be forceful to make that happen, but I was at my threshold of tolerance. It's unfair for him to not allow me to visit him at all. That HAD to change for us to be in a relationship. While I agree, yes, that my mom can offer some great outside perspective, she also had a long history of purposefully sabotaging my relationships.

Last night I talked to my boyfriend about it and he said he didn't feel like I was a bully at all and that was a ridiculous thing for my mom to say, but nothing can change the fact that I see the points she made and it hurts me deeply to think I'm doing that to the man I love. It's really shaken me to the point that I don't want to ask ANYTHING of my boyfriend.

I don't want to, or mean to bully my boyfriend and like I said, it hurts me so much to think that I am. As a matter of fact I can't even think about it without crying.

I think I mentioned it in my first post, but regarding closing the distance I think I'm going to tell him that maybe it's a better idea for me to get my own place and then he can decide when we can move in together. Then again, maybe my presence there at all is wrong. I don't know.

All I know is that I HAVE to make decisions regarding my life right now and both my boyfriend and I have agreed that we only have the tolerance to maintain the distance for so long before we have to close it to make our relationship work.

I'm really just trying my best to maintain a healthy, well balanced relationship. I don't want to be a bully to my boyfriend, I love him too much. I feel so awful about this. I really do feel like I've been the worst girlfriend in the world.

**Haley53** · November 14, 2011, 01:30 PM

Another thing I thought of, on reading your last post, you said you can see some of her points as being valid/having merit behind them. Why not look at what those points were and how you can prevent that from happening in the future? You can't change the past but you can certainly control what choices you make in the future. If you see something in your behaviour that could do with changing, regardless of who pointed it out, and we all see it sometimes (whether or not we admit it), then change it. It isn't the end of the world. For example, I see how insecure I'm being in regards to my partner's ex, so it's something I'm working on correcting in myself. Perhaps this is something for which you could do the same?

**Minerva** · November 14, 2011, 01:33 PM

I can't say if you're overbearing or not (I don't think you're a bully), but each relationship has its own dynamic. But if he doesn't have a problem with how you are, try not to overthink this. You might be overbearing, he might be laid-back and it just balances out. It's a good idea to keep a check on yourself to make sure in your quest to define your boundaries you don't turn into a bully or abuse his agreeable nature, but if this dynamic works, then it does.

**Moon** · November 14, 2011, 01:41 PM

You're not the worst girlfriend in the world, or you wouldn't care about this

I think sometimes we get too wrapped up in the technicalities of the relationship (Are my needs being met? Is he doing that right? How can I make xxxx better? What exactly did he mean by that?!) than just enjoying it. It's OK to stand up for yourself, you should do that, but if you over analyze every step, the spontaneity, joy and fun starts to fade fast. Not everything has to be a big discussion, sometimes a "Huh? Why'd you do THAT? Oh, OK, next time could ya let me know first?" is all that's needed.

Just be careful not to be over critical or have impossible expectations and you'll be fine. Happy and fine. You've recognized a potential flaw in yourself, and you're trying to make it better, you can't ask for better than that.

**Engel** · November 14, 2011, 01:41 PM

Originally posted by Moon View Post

To be completely honest, from the sum of all your posts over the last months, I'd have to say kinda, yeah.

For example, when he made the move you gave him the ultimatum about, you posted how upset with him you were because he didn't consult you about his lease, instead of giving him a little show of appreciation for getting it done so quickly. I see so many of your posts are completely concerned with your own needs and how they should be met, but I've never seen you post about ever being concerned for him, or giving him what he needs. I'm not sure exactly that I'd use the word bully, but from my third-party, unbiased view, you seem overly concerned with your own wants and needs in this relationship without giving as much to his, or making it so that BOTH of your needs are addressed.

Now, you can yell at me if you want, but I'm not saying that to hurt you, you did ask. One thing I've learned is that you should never, ever take someone for granted and both parties are equally important in the relationship. Instead of getting upset over everything, try being easier and letting the little things go. So many fights can be avoided just by looking for what someone is doing right, instead of looking for what they did wrong.

I could, of course, be completely wrong. Afterall, most of the time if we post something, it's about ourselves, and our problems and maybe there's not as many posts about what awesome thing(s) our SO's may do. Like I said, I truly don't mean to hurt your feelings with any of this

this is what I gather from what you posted as well. but I see your reasoning behing many of them. abut the living situation, I would also not feel confortable with not being able to visit my SO in his house, so I understand why you gave the ultimatum there. but about moving in together, it would really be better to find your own place first. CD has its own chalenges, and going from LDR to living together from one day to another, can be quite a shock, so even though you can sleep over at each other places all the time, at least for the begin I would think it is better to live n your own. he may be agreeing with living together out of fear to lose you. so keep mentioning living alone for a couple of weeks. its normal to protest when its first brought up, maybe he can think you are testing him or something. bt when he sees you would be ok with each of you having your own place at first, he may feel more free to say what he really thinks about it. if after talking about it for a couple of weeks you see he still wants to live together, no matter what, go for it, girl!

**Sierra** · November 14, 2011, 01:58 PM

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

Another thing I thought of, on reading your last post, you said you can see some of her points as being valid/having merit behind them. Why not look at what those points were and how you can prevent that from happening in the future? You can't change the past but you can certainly control what choices you make in the future. If you see something in your behaviour that could do with changing, regardless of who pointed it out, and we all see it sometimes (whether or not we admit it), then change it. It isn't the end of the world. For example, I see how insecure I'm being in regards to my partner's ex, so it's something I'm working on correcting in myself. Perhaps this is something for which you could do the same?

To be honest, I just didn't see another way. It was either change, or lose the relationship. My patience is not never-ending. I am going to change a few things, basically, not ask anything from him. I feel like I have to.

I've always been walked all over in a relationship and he doesn't do that to me, but he's not a doormat either, he definitely stands up for himself when he feels I'm being unreasonable. I'm trying, really hard, to be a good, supportive girlfriend, and I thought I was doing a good job until my mom made this comment and I really thought about what she said.

Originally posted by Minerva View Post

I can't say if you're overbearing or not (I don't think you're a bully), but each relationship has its own dynamic. But if he doesn't have a problem with how you are, try not to overthink this. You might be overbearing, he might be laid-back and it just balances out. It's a good idea to keep a check on yourself to make sure in your quest to define your boundaries you don't turn into a bully or abuse his agreeable nature, but if this dynamic works, then it does.

He doesn't have a problem with the way I am based on our conversation last night. But like I said, I can't help but recognize the points my mother made were valid. Maybe he doesn't see that as me being a bully, but I can see how that could be perceived that way. I'm trying. I really am.

Originally posted by Moon View Post

You're not the worst girlfriend in the world, or you wouldn't care about this

I think sometimes we get too wrapped up in the technicalities of the relationship (Are my needs being met? Is he doing that right? How can I make xxxx better? What exactly did he mean by that?!) than just enjoying it. It's OK to stand up for yourself, you should do that, but if you over analyze every step, the spontaneity, joy and fun starts to fade fast. Not everything has to be a big discussion, sometimes a "Huh? Why'd you do THAT? Oh, OK, next time could ya let me know first?" is all that's needed.

Just be careful not to be over critical or have impossible expectations and you'll be fine. Happy and fine. You've recognized a potential flaw in yourself, and you're trying to make it better, you can't ask for better than that.

I feel like this flaw just may be who I am. If my mom thinks I'm being a bully, I can't see myself stopping to stand up for my own needs when they aren't being met, just like I would expect him to stand up for himself. Her comment is really making me want to take a step back and not ask anything from him.

I'm just really conflicted. On one hand I can see how I've been a bully, on the other hand I can see how I've just been standing up for myself and getting fundamental needs met. To be honest, if some of these weren't met I couldn't see myself continuing on in the relationship, they are that crucial.

Originally posted by Engel View Post

this is what I gather from what you posted as well. but I see your reasoning behing many of them. abut the living situation, I would also not feel confortable with not being able to visit my SO in his house, so I understand why you gave the ultimatum there. but about moving in together, it would really be better to find your own place first. CD has its own chalenges, and going from LDR to living together from one day to another, can be quite a shock, so even though you can sleep over at each other places all the time, at least for the begin I would think it is better to live n your own. he may be agreeing with living together out of fear to lose you. so keep mentioning living alone for a couple of weeks. its normal to protest when its first brought up, maybe he can think you are testing him or something. bt when he sees you would be ok with each of you having your own place at first, he may feel more free to say what he really thinks about it. if after talking about it for a couple of weeks you see he still wants to live together, no matter what, go for it, girl!

I think it'll be better for me to find a place of my own when I first move out there too. I think this idea will be met with resistance, but I've been waiting to bring it up to him now for about two hours, he just has to get home and hop online. I think that me saying this is going to hurt his feelings but I guess you never know. I just ... I can't impose myself in his life and I'm NOT trying to. I don't want him to feel like I am, and I don't want the rest of the world to think I am either.

**Sierra** · November 14, 2011, 02:58 PM

Well we talked about it, he assured me over and over again I wasn't a bully I just gave him the iniative he needed to make changes he already wanted to make.

We decided to live apart when I move there which now that I looked at the expenses involved is pretty overwhelming but I guess we have to do what we have to do.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

**Sierra** · November 14, 2011, 05:22 PM

Well we talked some more and monetarily it doesn't make sense for me to move out there without living together, so I guess for now our plans of living together at the end of the summer are what we are shooting for.

He said I'm too caught up in my guilt right not to realize that neither of our goals have changed and that he wants to be with me and we'll make it work. Part of me knows he's right. I just feel AWFUL.

**Mara** · November 14, 2011, 05:56 PM

Honestly, I find you the furthest thing from a bully. I don't find you controlling or manipulative or bossy or any of those things.

The only thing that I might have found a bit forceful is when you gave him the ultimatum about moving, but that's only because I personally don't like ultimatums. I feel like ultimatums, in a way, force someone's hand because it's either this or this. BUT in your case, he wasn't happy where he lived anyways and he found nothing wrong with how you handled the situation so I don't even find that to be a case of where you 'bullied' him.

I know your mother surely means well, but mothers aren't always right about everything especially when it comes to the intricate details of a relationship.

And if living together is the best option, then why not do so?

**Sierra** · November 14, 2011, 08:04 PM

Because I felt like I was just forcing his hand at something again. Thank you for your kind words.

I don't like ultimatums either and I HATED giving him one. But it was the truth, he had to either let me go out there or I couldn't continue on.

I wish we could just live together, it would save us both so much money and I can't afford to move there, and then hire movers three times to move there in the first place, move in with him, and then move into a house like we planned. He said he still wants us to move in together and August is fine.

I'm just confused and pretty lost, and honestly scared and depressed. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing. SO hard. I'm trying so hard to be a good girlfriend ... it just hurts to hear someone say I've been failing at it and use such a strong word towards me that is just so ugly in it's connotation.

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