breaking up – easier LD or CD?

[So_Far_Away]

In regards to the year abroad and marrige thing I have an opinion, everything else.. well i think that no-one should be unhappy in their relationship. But I'd like to say to all those people who are saying that if you're married you shouldn't 'leave for a year' that you clearly don't know what you are talking about. A year abroad is a really important thing for a lot of degree programs, people leave their families to go to uni for three or four years, it really isn't a big deal to have a year away as part of your education. Yes, it will of course put a strain on a relationship, but in the same way that people have no right to tell us that our LDRs are more likely to end than a CDR, those who havent been in that situation shouldn't be saying that a year away will hurt/destroy/whatever that one.

My parents are married and my dad has been living in Italy for the last two years due to work. Why couldn't he take us with? It simply isn't logical. We thought he would be there for no more than two years - now looking like a few more to go - so there's no point in up-rooting everyone else's lives too. He didn't have to take this job, but that's what he wanted to do, and my mum didn't stop him.

IMO, people shouldn't have to settle for things just because it makes life easier at the time. I'm sure my bf would love for me to be at a closer uni to him, my family want me to be closer to them. Instead, I've gone where I wanted to go, and where it has made me the happiest. Yes it's a bit harder, but this is where I want to be.

[Zephii]

I wanted to reply to this last night (before it go so convoluted!) but I didn't get a chance.

Caitlin and everyone else who believe life ends with marriage - it doesn't. If you don't look after the individual needs of the TWO PEOPLE (or more if you swing that way) in a relationship, those people become less than what they were and the relationship deminishes. Besides, marriage is at least in part about making your self and partner into better people. If I marry Obi here in Canada does that mean I can't go back home to study? Would it be selfish of me to study in a country where I understand the system and can save us thousands of dollars? Or am I supposed to put us into debt for a very long time - or worse not have a carrer at all - because I've chosen to be with a person who's interests conflict with mine? No, I think that's out-dated and short sighted. Besides one year (or even four as in my case) is nothing compared to the rest of a person's life.
Perhaps Lunamea's HB agreed not realising how hard it would be? Or perhaps he didn't think she'd follow through? Or maybe he just wasn't honest about how he felt. But really, that is not her fault. If he can't open up and say his piece, that's his bad.

As to the original topic, I'd rather break up LD, I think a phone call is sufficient. Email or txt message is wrong, imo, but a phone call would be just fine. CD breaking up requires a lot more strength to follow through (for me anyway). When the person I'm leaving starts crying or looking shattered I want to take care of them and often mistake sympathy for rekindled love...

I'm sorry it has come to this between you though. Do you think a marriage councilor might help or something?
Personally I don't think you're being controlling and I would interpret those signs in the way that you have. Perhaps we think alike? I don't know. But there is obviously something there that does need a solution, it's just sad if it has to be divorce.

[ValadinShadow]

Everyone has a different opinion on the dyamics of a married relationship. That really isn't what I see as most important in this situation. Who ever is to blame, things aren't so good right now....maybe no one is to blame. What's done is done, and now to deal with the fall out... LD puts a HUGE strain on things. My question is where things this bad when you guys were CD? Because I know that my SO and I are all of a sudden having stupid little misunderstandings that blow up into huge fights because we are both lonely and missing each other. He goes out with friends, and then calls me when he gets back and is too tired to talk. That makes me mad. He calls me while I am at work, and I can't talk, and that makes him mad. Both situations are stupid, and neither should get mad. The point of all this is did all this start when you went to study abroad? Is it something that might get better when you are CD again? I agree with Zephii that maybe marital counselling would be a good idea. I think both of you are being a little unreasonable, frankly. You about some things, him about some things, and I think that a neutral third party would help push through a lot of it.
No one should have to live with a relationship that makes you miserable. But a marriage is something worth working on and fighting for. You say you still love him. Good! Fight for him. Fight for the relationship you want. Get some help. Don't abandon a marriage because things are rough right now.
Now, I'm not saying stay in a relationship that is abusive, or that you truly feel is not worth fighting for. I don't know your whole situation, and honestly, I read the original post last night, so I might not remember something right. Do what is best for both of you and good luck!!!!

[xsomanymilesx]

i think it depends on the person - if you have obsessive tendancies you might like stalk them if you broke up CDR or something, but then i think sometimes its easier to get closure in person - and over msn especially if you are the one who is getting dumped you feel helpless and vunerable - like you cant express yourself and try and get them back.
i think all breakups are shitty, and it just depends on the person.

[lunamea]

Thanks for all your opinions and thanks especially to the people who try to see my point of view, too.

I don't know why I feel I have to justify myself, but I do. As for you, Caitlin, I do not know why you take the time to reply to this thread if you don't believe that what I'm telling is the truth, anyway. I would find better ways to spend my time than to accuse people of lying on a public forum. I'm anonymous here, so I have no reason to lie about whether my husband agreed to me studying abroad. My views and my story are certainly clouded by my judgment and I don't know how they could not be, but they are not fabricated.
I actually like seeing how opinions diverge on this subject, and I think a lot of people think it's not a thing to do when you're married. I accept their opinion, as long as I don't get accused or outrightly attacked with hurtful comments. As so often in life, though, things are not as black and white as they seem to be.

but she was already married!!! and i agree its a great opportunity but why not take them along so they can experiance it with you? thats what im getting at as well, there is no just YOU in marriage anymore or in a relationship, in moving anywhere especially if your already in the same household its 50/50 and you have to compromise, with this she just up and left. I dont believe for a second he was all for it. It's selfish to me because you dont make any big decision like that without at least talking it over with your partner first in full detail.

You're not being respectful to me in that you not only accuse me of lying, but you neglect what I did say in various other threads before. It's not like I changed my story at one point, so you're, in my opinion, not free to question my honesty in this respect.
The story of my husband and me has always been: the same week I met him for the first time (in 2005), I applied to go study abroad for the first time, so I knew him for about 10 days when I submitted the application. As you also know from previous posts, we fell in love and started a relationship that was already pretty serious by the time I received the ok to go from my home university (also, I don't know why you think I'm not studying in my home country - I have made clear that I am in a bilateral exchange program between my home university in Austria and the university in Minnesota here... and I study English, which can best be studied in an English-speaking country, which is why I went abroad, and I focus on American Cultural Studies… you catch my drift).
To get on with the story: I didn't want to leave him then and risk a relationship that was only 6 months old and IMO not strong enough to survive LD. So I cancelled my placement and stayed at home. I took up work to support us and didn't take classes for almost two years because my husband couldn't work at the time. When he did start work, I started taking classes again and we both agreed that, now that everything had turned out well, it was time for me to apply again. I did and got accepted again.

Caitlin: I dislike that you almost make it sound like I went without ever talking to him - what kind of b**would I have to be to not even talk to him about it? It doesn't make sense, as I don't think that any person would take that kind of BS from someone else... I don't know anyone who went abroad and did not discuss it with their partner (that they care about and continue to want to be with) first. What oftentimes happens, though, is that the partner agrees when they are, in fact, not totally okay with it (because they love the other person enough to want the best for them or they are too proud to admit that it hurts them etc.)

but she was already married!!! and i agree its a great opportunity but why not take them along so they can experiance it with you?

I have already explained this, but I'm happy to do so again - the reason is quite simple: Because he wouldn't have gotten a visa (he is not an Austrian citizen, so he only has a visa for Austria ATM and applying for a visa to come to the US without citizenship of an EU-country would be more than difficult, even if he applied as my "dependent" to go with my J-1 student visa). Trust me, I've done my research on this, and I've had my fair share of experience with immigration agencies.
Second, we couldn't have made it financially: as a dependent to a J-1, he wouldn't have been able to work in the U.S., and I'm only allowed to work on campus (which means jobs paying 8.25$/hr) and we would've had to live off-campus. He would have sat at home all day long in a country where he doesn't know the language and I would've been super-stressed out with working, studying and the usual household stuff. And I certainly wouldn't have mingled with American students here.

Perhaps Lunamea's HB agreed not realising how hard it would be? Or perhaps he didn't think she'd follow through? Or maybe he just wasn't honest about how he felt.

I think all of these reasons apply. He has told me that he didn't expect it to be this hard and shortly before I left, he said that one part of him had kind of been hoping I wouldn't get accepted or I wouldn't follow through this time. But he knew that telling me this earlier on might have made me back out (which he didn't want me to do for his sake) because when I made that decision of not going the first time around, we had agreed that I would eventually go later on. He congratulated me on having gotten the opportunity when I received the placement (I am a sponsored student… otherwise, I couldn’t have done it) and I did not know about his true feelings until much later.

My current problem is that I think things will continue the way they are now even when we're back to CD. As I said, due partly to other circumstances, things have been changing between us already before I left and he did things that made me feel he didn't care that much about me anymore. Since I got approved to go study abroad, it's been more pronounced and I don't see that changing in the future.

ETA:

ad marital counselling:

I have suggested it to him but he doesn't like the idea. As I said, he thinks it all is not that serious and I'm just being melodramatic and marital counselling would be unnecessary. He thinks all I need to do to make things better is "snap out of it" and be less selfish. He doesn't feel like anything he is doing is wrong, because he either has a right to decide about these things (looks/money/vacation/time) on his own and/or it's none of my business.

[garnet]

I actually like seeing how opinions diverge on this subject, and I think a lot of people think it's not a thing to do when you're married. I accept their opinion, as long as I don't get accused or outrightly attacked with hurtful comments. As so often in life, though, things are not as black and white as they seem to be.

I just wanted to state that I think I'm one of the oldster posters here, I'm 29, and had an 11 year marriage. I was just answering from my own experiences, and personal feelings on marriage. However. Learning that you had this opportunity once before, but put it on hold for your husband, that does change things a bit in my mind. You have a unique situation. He let you halt for him, so now it should be his turn to halt for you. He knew it was coming...
My apologies if any of my posts were harsh or rude.

All of that being said, I still, with the exception of military families, feel that you should not create LDRs after marriage on purpose. Just my opinion on it. Some of your perspectives may change after you've been married. Maybe not. But being married DOES change the dynamic of a relationship in ways I never expected. (This is not directed at the OP.)

Back on topic, if in my heart I had let go, I would end things long distance. It will I imagine be easier on both of you. I was broken up with both LD and CD. It was easier to move on when we were already apart.

[So_Far_Away]

All of that being said, I still, with the exception of military families, feel that you should not create LDRs after marriage on purpose.

I know it's really off topic, but I was wondering why you feel that the military is the only reason for 'creating' LDR after marriage? I know lots of international students who are married and have left their famlies behind, my parents are LDR, as are some other random people I know who have been married a good couple of decades....

[garnet]

I know it's really off topic, but I was wondering why you feel that the military is the only reason for 'creating' LDR after marriage? I know lots of international students who are married and have left their famlies behind, my parents are LDR, as are some other random people I know who have been married a good couple of decades....

We are all entitled to our own opinion, and that is mine. I'm not bashing others who disagree. There are a lot of things that can be done, and can be made to work, but are perhaps not ideal. To me, this is one of them.

[Caitlin2009]

i am way too tired to read all of what everybody said back but i did skim a bit.....


I'm in no way bashing anyone or there opinions, im merely stating what i see and sharing my own opinion. I'm think you are being a tad bit on the selfish side, and yes with the exception of military families you dont put yourself in a LDR just because you want a better job, I'm sorry but you dont unless your partner is also ok with it. Yeah fine you can have your own life with doing things in a marriage im not saying you cant, but to purposely put yourself in a LDR just because you want a better job only tells me you would put your career first before your family any day. And when people gave you advice on how to make up after arguing you gave them excuses and put the blame all on him, YOU are the one who should be repairing it because YOU wanted to leave in the first place, so you cant expect him to be all happy with it that your gone, and then expect him to have no life and to sit around waiting for you to call. thats very unrealistic, and honestly i do sense your not telling us the whole story. sorry but i cant help but feel that way

[Lumos]

when it comes to any relationship especially marriage there is no just YOU anymore and you should be looking out for what your partner also wants, You sit here all upset because your marriage is over, but yet your the one that made the decision to go abroad and study, that alone is the most selfish thing ive ever seen anybody do, why the hell couldnt you go to a college near you or a few towns away from you???

What you're saying makes it seem like almost every one of us is selfish. I don't really see how lunamea's situation is any different than a couple being LD because of a job transfer (or the military), or high school couple going LD because they choose different universities.

My SO could transfer to a university closer to me; he's smart, so I'm sure he'd be accepted easily. However, besides making his tuition several times more expensive by being out of state, transferring schools can be very detrimental to your education. I've heard of people being set back years by doing this because the degree plans at the universities were so different. Also, he is at his dream university. Do I think he's selfish for not transferring? No. I'd love to be with him, but I also love him, and want what is best for him. His education is important to both of us. I don't hold this against him, and he doesn't hold the fact that I haven't transfered against me.

The fact is that our lives can't revolve solely around our SO (even though it feels like they do sometimes). Work, education, and family are all important as well. There has to be some kind of balance.

[MadMolly]

As for the breakup thing; I would do it long distance. I am living with my BF at the moment and I've tried to break up with him a few times now as things are wayyy too messy for me to deal with, but every time he manages to pull me back in or holds me until i hold him back and makes promises - I can't just log off or hang up, I always forget my resolve when I see his face. :-( Perhaps you could let him know when you get back you will see him a few times, but you both need some time apart from eachother completely to get your head clear.

[Caitlin2009]

What you're saying makes it seem like almost every one of us is selfish. I don't really see how lunamea's situation is any different than a couple being LD because of a job transfer (or the military), or high school couple going LD because they choose different universities.

My SO could transfer to a university closer to me; he's smart, so I'm sure he'd be accepted easily. However, besides making his tuition several times more expensive by being out of state, transferring schools can be very detrimental to your education. I've heard of people being set back years by doing this because the degree plans at the universities were so different. Also, he is at his dream university. Do I think he's selfish for not transferring? No. I'd love to be with him, but I also love him, and want what is best for him. His education is important to both of us. I don't hold this against him, and he doesn't hold the fact that I haven't transfered against me.

The fact is that our lives can't revolve solely around our SO (even though it feels like they do sometimes). Work, education, and family are all important as well. There has to be some kind of balance.

im not saying that at all, there are certain circumstances where its ok to do so but there are certain exceptions, and your right there has to be some kind of balance but in this case there isnt any!! to me theres only one thing she seems to care about and thats her future career. *shrugs* i dont see it any other way, but i still feel theres alot she's not telling us. She wanted our opinions and she got mine. what do you want me to say? Im not gonna pretend i support her situation when i dont, its extremely fishy to me

[lunamea]

Lumos, you're speaking from my heart and I'm happy for you that you and your SO are both so selfless and accepting of the choices the other makes for their personal development.

garnet: You were not at all harsh or rude in any way and I understand and accept your opinion. You made it very clear that it is your opinion, instead of stating it as if it were a fact.

The only thing I'm very much against and get truly upset about are things like this...

yes with the exception of military families you dont put yourself in a LDR just because you want a better job, I'm sorry but you dont unless your partner is also ok with it. [...] and honestly i do sense your not telling us the whole story. sorry but i cant help but feel that way

You may feel however you want about it, but repeatedly accusing me of lying/holding back vital information and repeatedly claiming that my husband was not ok with me going when I tell you he was (and I'm the only point of reference you have, so if you don't want to believe me, don't, but why tell me this all the time??) does not contribute anything to the discussion or help me in any way. All you can do on a forum is to take what people say at face value, unless they contradict themselves or make it otherwise painfully obvious that they're not telling the truth, but you have no reason other than your gut feeling to accuse me and I feel seriously offended by how you formulate your responses.

I came here for advice and more than that, I asked a general question and wanted to get other people's stories and experiences. I did not post to create enemies or offend anyone or get any more upset by unfounded accusations and hurtful rhetoric.

[Caitlin2009]

and i think your taking me the wrong way sheesh im not trying to make an enemy of you. Im not trying to offend you in anyway im just telling you what my gut is telling me, that i dont believe for a second he was ok with just letting you go. You asked for opinions did you not? I've never sugar coated things and i dont plan on starting now. I might sound a little harsh but thats the way i tell my opinion especially when i dont feel certain things are adding up

[lunamea]

to me theres only one thing she seems to care about and thats her future career. *shrugs* i dont see it any other way, but i still feel theres alot she's not telling us. She wanted our opinions and she got mine. what do you want me to say? Im not gonna pretend i support her situation when i dont, its extremely fishy to me

I never asked anyone to support me, I asked for people's opinions. I got yours and I accepted your first post, in which you said that I already knew your opinion on this matter from an older thread. You've made it clear before that you think my behavior is not right and that you're on my husband's side. Leaving it at that would have been enough. I have no idea why you find my story "fishy" while you believe everybody else's posts and you cannot even give me an explanation.
And just to clarify: if I only cared about my career, I would have gone through with the study abroad plans already the first time, I surely would not have stopped studying to be able to support my hb and me when he couldn't work and I sure as hell would not have spent a thousand dollars on a plane ticket to see him during Christmas break.
We're not going anywhere and this is turning into a serious argument, so in order to prevent the thread from being closed, that is that last I'm going to say to you on this topic.

As for the breakup thing; I would do it long distance. I am living with my BF at the moment and I've tried to break up with him a few times now as things are wayyy too messy for me to deal with, but every time he manages to pull me back in or holds me until i hold him back and makes promises - I can't just log off or hang up, I always forget my resolve when I see his face. :-( Perhaps you could let him know when you get back you will see him a few times, but you both need some time apart from eachother completely to get your head clear.

Yeah, I think you're right. I've been thinking about living with my family again when I get back, at least for the first few weeks so we can sort things out and not get all emotional. The transition period is going to be hard enough for me as it is, I think, going from LD-fighting to living together from one day to the next would just make everything more complicated. I still have to talk to him about it, but I think it's the most reasonable thing to do.