breaking up – easier LD or CD?

[Caitlin2009]

fine by me, this is the last i'll post about this as well but in the future dont get mad if someone doesnt agree with your thinking on shit, you wanted opinions. you got it.

[entranced.in.noise]

you dont put yourself in a LDR just because you want a better job, I'm sorry but you dont unless your partner is also ok with it.

Her previous posts - every single one of them - state that he did, in fact, say that he was okay with it, encouraged her to go, etc., and that she did not find out his true feelings on the matter until now: months later.

The story of my husband and me has always been: the same week I met him for the first time (in 2005), I applied to go study abroad for the first time, so I knew him for about 10 days when I submitted the application.

To get on with the story: I didn't want to leave him then and risk a relationship that was only 6 months old and IMO not strong enough to survive LD. So I cancelled my placement and stayed at home.

I took up work to support us and didn't take classes for almost two years because my husband couldn't work at the time. When he did start work, I started taking classes again and we both agreed that, now that everything had turned out well, it was time for me to apply again. I did and got accepted again.

He has told me that he didn't expect it to be this hard and shortly before I left, he said that one part of him had kind of been hoping I wouldn't get accepted or I wouldn't follow through this time. But he knew that telling me this earlier on might have made me back out (which he didn't want me to do for his sake) because when I made that decision of not going the first time around, we had agreed that I would eventually go later on. He congratulated me on having gotten the opportunity when I received the placement (I am a sponsored student… otherwise, I couldn’t have done it)

and I did not know about his true feelings until much later.

From what I've read, it seems that he told her that he WAS okay with it, and even ENCOURAGED it, but didn't say how he really felt about it until after she was already abroad and partially through the semester. Given she had already gone and paid, and this was an amazing opportunity, she certainly was not going to up and leave to go back home the second he said that. That's his own fault for lying to her and agreeing with her for years that she should apply again. He should have said something sooner.

IMO, marriage is not a binding ball-and-chain. Should you be with your spouse? Yes. But if they are given an amazing opportunity, do you really want to hold them back from that? People go LDR for work all the time - sometimes it is their own choice, they're given the opportunity and they decide to accept it, or sometimes it's the only option aside from quitting the job entirely (and if the wages and benefits are high and it supports the family...) I don't judge people who do this. They are doing what is best for them and for their family. The marriage might be rocky, but if it keeps the house payments going and supports the kids, especially during a financial crisis like now!, who can really blame them for going? It reminds me of that Oreo commercial of that kid and his father on webcam...

In Lunamea's case, she did not even go abroad for work. She went for her studies. Many study abroad programs are a semester abroad. A single semester. If that is enough to break up a marriage, then I don't feel the marriage was strong enough in the first place. (I don't know if this is Lunamea's situation or if she is there for much longer, but the point still stands.)

I am sure there are underlying issues to their marriage problems and that this is not the only cause, and I don't see why you would accuse her of lying. I read her posts in this thread, and it seems pretty truthful to me. For her to blatantly lie about her relationship, online, in a forum, just to gain the sympathy from others... I am sure she is above that; she seems like a smart individual, and has put her life on hold for her husband in the past, and is now sponsored by her home school to study abroad - she is not an attention-seeking twelve year old posting desperate videos on YouTube in an attempt to generate attention for herself.

You all have your opinions and I have mine, but personally, I feel that marriage is not a binding contract to remain directly next to the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Speaking generally now, as this doesn't apply to Lunamea's situation since her marriage is having troubles, a couple can make it work in LDR situations. Is that not what all of us here are doing? There is the phone, webcam, letters, visits (which can be fun if you're in two separate countries - it gives you an excuse to travel and be a tourist for a while!). And then in Lunamea's situation, she is coming home when the semester is over. A marriage should be able to withstand that, and if it can't, then screw the marriage, it isn't stable in the first place.

As for her choosing her career over her family. I repeat, she is there studying. It does not mean that she is going to remain in the United States to get a job. She went for legitimate reasons, in my opinion, and she has already stated why she chose to study abroad in the first place.

I study English, which can best be studied in an English-speaking country, which is why I went abroad, and I focus on American Cultural Studies… you catch my drift).

You are entitled to your opinion, yes, but in MY opinion, instead of calmly explaining yourself, you are being rude and attacking poor Lunamea - already stressed by exams and her marital problems - and repeatedly calling her selfish and a liar rather than actually giving her opinions or advice. Take a breather and remember that she is a person with feelings as well, regardless of whether you agree with her educational choice or not.

[entranced.in.noise]

This deserves a separate post, I think.

In regards to the actual point of this thread: is is easier breaking up LD or CD? Honestly, I don't really know. This is my first LDR, so I can't say. I know that in my previous CDR, the three times that my ex had broken up with me, he had done it via text message every single time, once when we were even in the same building. That killed me, knowing that he couldn't take more than a text message to do it. I felt like he was a coward and was afraid to face me. It hurt. I don't really know if it was because it was LD or if it was because it was done via text message without any regards to how I might take it. Just don't do it by texting, although I'm sure you didn't plan on that in the first place.

I hope whatever decision you choose to make is right for you, and I certainly hope that any problems you have are resolved - whether by going to marriage counseling, separating, divorcing, etc. I wish you the best and I hope that he understands that he can't hold a grudge against you for studying abroad when he explicitly told you that you could go. On another note, I hope that any animosity that you have towards him for unfounded reasons gets recognized and corrected as well, because you certainly don't want to end this and realize years down the line that it might have been your fault after all.

Good luck with your exams!

[ioanna]

Lunamea, all i can say is i'm sorry things have gotten so hard...
if i had the choice, i would probably go for waiting till i'm back ; and i like molly's suggestion of staying elsewhere for a while...
i guess i would like to do it CD and face to face, because i've personally had so many cases of misinterpretations and such when on the phone... and well on the phone you can lie more easily, or hide your true feelings... face to face its very much harder, so i would get a better view of what is really going on, and what the other person really feels...
i wish you loads of strength dear... hang in there..

[Inga]

I have broken up over phone (in an LD) and in real life (CD). Both were hard, but even in CD, you can choose not to see your ex for a while... You can create distance in every situation. So I don't see that as the most important thing in this decision.
I think it's best to look at your situation now: you have a few weeks to go, with a lot of exam stress. If I would be in your situation, I would tell my partner how i feel, even about the doubts on breaking up. It would get a load of my chest and create some space for me to study and focus on other things. You don't have to make any final decisions now. I think suggesting a separation at least until you move back is best for both of you. When you move back, live with your family and go from there on with your husband.

The best of luck and wisdom with this!

[Alisz]

I'll be honest, I've been reading the posts and replies and I'm a little confused about the timeline. So, forgive me if I've gotten some things mixed up.

From what I gather, you guys were LD? And then he moved closer to you? He felt alienated there from language barriers and lack of people to talk to (I know how that can be...) and then you left to go study abroad? So, now you're upset that because while you're away he's trying to meet friends and spend time with them?

I think you might be taking the situation a little too personal. Did you ask why he wanted to join the gym? Maybe his friend asked him and he saw it as an opportunity to make a new friend. Obviously he's lonely there without you (as you said that's why he goes out) and I don't really blame him. You can't expect him to stay inside the entire time you're away. I don't expect that you do. :/

But it seems like the problems go deeper than just that one situation. Maybe a relationship counselor would help? I don't think you should throw in the towel yet before really trying to work it out. You got married for a reason. I think it'd be worth it to try to work through your problems. ^^

As to the original question, in the long run LD I think is easier.

If you're the one doing the breaking up, it's easier to get on with your life. Out of sight, out of mind.

If you're the one being broken up with, it forces some alone time. Like I said in a previous post, there was little chance I would bump into my ex or hear anything about him unless he contacted me.

I think also, LD there's less chance for getting back together. That could be a good or a bad thing. Sometimes you break up with someone and then you instantly wonder, "Did I do the right thing?" If it's CD, there's more opportunity to say you made a mistake and want to get back together. So, I guess it's also bad to break-up out of anger LD because before you can say you're sorry, they might've already moved on. Just some food for thought. :P

[lunamea]

I'll be honest, I've been reading the posts and replies and I'm a little confused about the timeline. So, forgive me if I've gotten some things mixed up.

From what I gather, you guys were LD? And then he moved closer to you? He felt alienated there from language barriers and lack of people to talk to (I know how that can be...) and then you left to go study abroad? So, now you're upset that because while you're away he's trying to meet friends and spend time with them?

Yeah, the timeline is complicated, I know. Nah, we weren't really LD... when we met, he lived with his sister and her family, a 2-hour train ride from where I was, but then we moved in together and got married. Then, when he had to go abroad to get his visa and stuff, we were LD for 2 months once and then another 3 months or so again. I guess he did feel isolated at the beginning of our relationship because he didn't speak German very well and had no friends where we lived.
Then again, what I said about him being alienated because of language etc. - that would also apply if he was here with me in the US, because he doesn't speak English. What I did in my post was a theoretical painting-the-picture of what would have happened if he came here to the US with me. My point being that, even if he had gotten a visa to join me in my study abroad endeavor (and we could've afforded it), I'm not sure he would have liked it.

I think you might be taking the situation a little too personal. Did you ask why he wanted to join the gym? Maybe his friend asked him and he saw it as an opportunity to make a new friend. Obviously he's lonely there without you (as you said that's why he goes out) and I don't really blame him. You can't expect him to stay inside the entire time you're away. I don't expect that you do. :/

I don't expect him to stay home all the time when I'm away. Right now, I wouldn't mind too much if he went to the gym every day, even if we couldn't talk much. I'm much more concerned about him having all these friends and hobbies once I get back (in 1.5 months) and not having any time for me anymore. He said it was his idea to join the gym and he never once asked me if I wanted to come, too, that's what has me worried. He talks a lot about the things he wants to do lately, and doesn't make any plans for us... just today, he said he wants to visit his brother (who got his visa to emigrate to the US this week and will be living in NJ with his wife)... he didn't include me in these plans (which is pretty strange, as he doesn't speak English and has never been on a long-haul flight!). Oh, yeah, and of course, he said it would be "much too complicated" (applying for a visa, long-haul flight, no English knowledge...) to come visit me here in MN, but now he's making plans to visit his brother in NJ...

You're right, the problems definitely go deeper than this. Right now, my strategy is just to tag along. Things like what I just said happen all the time now and I think that actually helps me in letting go, because I feel he doesn't make plans for a future together with me, anyway.

[lunamea]

So, I guess I should give you guys an update on the situation. Over a week ago, my hb and I had a serious talk about whether we should a) break up now, b) try living together when I get back home as usual or c) if I should stay with my parents for a while and we'd only meet until we have figured things out. I would've preferred c) because the transition will be hard enough on me as it is, but my mom said that we need to get along when we're living together, not just for a few hours on the weekends, so that made some sense, too. My hb then thought I was of my mom's opinion that living separately for some weeks would be pointless and said that given the choice, breaking up right now might be easier for both of us. It was a lot of drama, we both cried and were basically in shock when we faced the possibility that everything might be over. I realized that I wasn't ready to let him go without having seen him again and we agreed that we'd give it a try.

Ever since, we've been trying really hard... I promised to give him more space and not be too demanding/controlling, so I'm doing that now and he tries to make more of an effort and make plans for us, but it is difficult. We're both deeply hurt and scared that it won't work out. Also, he said he really hopes things get better when I get back, but he doesn't really believe they will. He doesn't believe that we can change and get along better in future, so that just makes me miserable...

Also, I'm kinda feeling I am playacting by holding back my negative opinions and feelings and I'm scared I might get too accommodating. For example, about the gym thing, my hb now said that he'd rather go with me than his friend, but I hate the gym (always have) and would only go to spend time with him. That doesn't seem right to me.
Ever since our big let's-give-it-another-try-convo, we're both walking on eggshells all the time and sometimes that just sucks. We've agreed that beating a dead horse now before I even get back is pretty pointless, but issues that will arise once I'm back just keep creeping into our (otherwise forcibly light-hearted) conversations. We're just trying to stabilize things by keeping it light-hearted and agreeing that we disagree on certain issues. I feel that in the past we've been concentrating too much on the things that keep us apart rather than the things that keep us together. We know that love never was our problem, so we're just trying to get closer again and then see if we can find a compromise once I'm home. While that sounds good for now, I can't help but feel the first fight after I get back home might end everything and that thought is just kinda paralyzing... so, while I'm glad that I'll see him again, I'm also scared.
I hope the three weeks of travelling that are ahead of me will bring further improvement, as we won't get a chance to talk that much to each other, so that should give both of us space and me things to do to distract me from this "in-between" status we're in right now.

[Zephii]

Relationships are only doombed when those in them stop trying. We're all here for you mate, wishing you all the best
Peace, Love and Carrots xx