Asking my SO for the same respect...

[Bethypoo]

So as some of you may remember, my SO did the sweetest thing by reading to me until I fell asleep a few weeks ago when I was really upset. Anyway, when I was upset though, I text him in advance and let him know there was a lot going on and as much as I wanted to be with him and to talk to him, I needed to figure some stuff out on my own (nothing having to do with our relationship)

Now, he is going through quite a but. Studying for the ASVAB for joining the Coast Guard, the holidays are hard since both of his parents don't talk to him... by choice and among other family issues, and now his grandpa is getting really sick. I have been the one he wanted to talk to. But now, he is defiantly putting up walls and pushing me away. I ask if he wants space and he says no that he wants me to be there more than anyone and really appreciates me trying to be there for him. But his actions say otherwise. Delayed texts and very quiet phone calls at night. Im going home for thanksgiving on tuesday and will be there until sunday morning and the timing could not be better.

I've told him I will give him space. He says he doesn't want that. So do I keep pushing and reminding him i'm there? Do i give him space anyway? Ugh. I just wish he would give me the same respect I do him and let him know what I need. Maybe it is because he is a guy and his way of communicating is different.

Thanks for the help guys!

[Jgui]

i think it's harder for guys to open up with their feelings and emotions. i think a lot is going through his mind right now with his grandfather not feeling well, studying for exams, and the approaching holidays. Even though he tells you he doesn't want space but since his actions tells otherwise i would just let him know that i am here for you if you ever need anything. my doors are always open to listen when you are ready to talk and sort things out together and leave it at that.. you're still being there for him but not consistently reminding him about it.

i hope things will get better for your SO and wishes his grandfather a fast recovery.

[Haley53]

My partner has been like this. Earlier, even, he was more affectionate with me and sweet to me than he has been in three days, which was preceded by an overload of it, so he's been something of a walking contradiction lately, not to mention that sometimes it feels as though he's not interested in talking with me at all (short responses, length of time in between responses, etc.), but the way I see it is that that's his way of responding, and understandably, to the situation he's in? And if I'm this confused, then he's ten times it. :/

What I've really had to learn to do is go against what we grow up being taught - actions speak louder than words - and accept his words for face value. "I love you" has had to substitute for the affection he used to shower me with. "I miss you" has had to substitute for him telling me how much he wishes me there and why. A short conversation has had to substitute for the conversations we could normally have for hours at a time. Sometimes even small talk has substituted what would normally be easy conversation, but the awkwardness of it (the small talk) has complicated things. I have had to deal with anger, coldness, sometimes with not being spoken to at all... And though those actions do, admittedly, say one thing, when he tells me that he appreciates that I've been there? That it means a lot to him? Begs me not to desert him? Says he doesn't want space? etc.? That's him being sincere as far as he's capable of being right now, and I would guess it's the same with your partner. Whether or not he has the energy to affectionately express how much he needs you or how much you being there means to him, he probably means exactly what he's saying. Colour me sexist, but I've often found that whereas girls sometimes speak in code, many/most men do not. If he says he needs you more than anyone, if he says he doesn't want space, then he probably means it.

Personally what I've done is carry on as normal without expecting much in return. Sure, some topics are off the table, such as sex and kisses, but that's down to our situation and the fact we're currently without a label. However, I still use pet names, and tell him I love him and miss him, and I still talk of cuddles and physical affection. I still treat him same as I did when he was my boyfriend only with some restrictions. I do this whether or not he returns it. I do this regardless of how he responds, because I'm aware of that it's something he appreciates/that means a lot to him, and I'm aware that love is such a universal language, it's being received whether or not he's showing me a sign of it. Because of everything he's been through, I've really had to put myself and my insecurities aside, and I would recommend that that happen here. I would carry on as normal. Don't cease being affectionate, don't start responding negatively to his actions if he's quiet/doesn't seem up to talking, etc. - this may even throw him for more of a loop (it's possible he's not entirely aware of his behaviour) - and simply talk to him as you always have without any expectation of his responses. He'll have good days and bad ones, I'm sure, but what's important is to listen to what he's saying to you and trust it. Remind him that you're there for him, but don't go overboard with it, because he'll talk when he wants to/is ready to talk. Personally, I would consider trying to keep things light and fun and as enjoyable as you possibly can, even if he may not be in his normal state of mind at the moment.

[ChibiFelicia]

I find it really difficult to comfort my man when things are going upside down for him. He's the type who doesnt want to open up and tell me whats really going through his mind, his way of dealing with things, says he doesnt want to worry me. But of course it has the opposite effect. When i look at it, he is pushing me away and putting up walls. When we talk on skype, he hardly speaks (during the times of hardship). He tells me he just wants to listen to me either talk about crap (cause he find my rambling on soothing) or just know i am on the other side of the headset. So we end up not saying a single thing. I know it sounds a lil silly but singing has always helped me feel better. So i sing to him (and no im not a good singer i just enjoy it) he normally ends up falling asleep, which otherwise he wouldnt have done.

In my experience, they mean what they say. He's not trying to push you away but it is difficult. I find being too pushy about communication can rub them up the wrong way. So i'd cool it down and just literally be there and dont expect too much back from them.

[weetzie]

I would just relax and let him do his thing, but don't disappear completely. Be there for when he needs you. And honestly, the ASVAB will be fine. It was actually some required standardized test that they jumped on us when I was in highschool, and I don't think they warned us about it, so nobody studied. I got high marks on the parts that I'm actually good at (low on stuff like auto shop, or whatever it was called.) So he should be fine with that :P

[Bethypoo]

Thanks guys. I think it is just hard because with women, there are so many underlining meanings and such. But you are all right. With men, they basically mean what they say. So I think that I am going to drop the issue and take his word that he is fine and just be there to listen when he needs it and just remind him more than i already do how much I love him.

Thanks again!

[MissJamie]

Colour me sexist, but I've often found that whereas girls sometimes speak in code, many/most men do not.

Too true. Too true! Men often mean just what they say. We woman could really take a lesson in being direct sometimes.
Just continue to be there for him in what ever ways you normally are. He may want the normalcy of the day to day life that he shares with you. He may not want to talk about any of whats going on right now, but rather have you as a happy little escape to take his mind off things.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

[megfashion]

when the SO's father passed, he did exactly this. he passed in february... it is now november and we are back to being sort-of on track. he did things such as not texting for a long long time, one-worded answers, and varying from being really passionate in the bedroom (hehe) to not wanting to hug or touch me... this is actually only really just stopped. even now sometimes its "im busy" or something... although ive had a lil talk with him about that....

as long as he knows you are there, he will look back and remember how you were there. if you lay into him about it he may just push away even more - let him sort out how he is feeling, and when he knows he will tell you; sounds like he will eventually.

hugs x

[Xanahtas]

People deal with things differently. I know when im stressed, i dont want to talk much or anything, but i still want my SO on skype or msn, just so i dont feel so alone. My SO is the same, so if he wants me on skype, i'll sit there for hours just on skype with him and if he wants to talk, we talk.
It'll get better *hugs*